it's 5am & im having trouble sleeping tonight
since you aren't here.
so i'm just listening to cigarettes after ***
& all my favorite moody songs in our room,
in the dark, with my headphones pushed into my ears.
it's kind of peaceful & beautiful & dark,
but it's not the same as when you're here.

i can feel your soft, smooth skin still slightly lingering on my fingertips,
yearning to feel your warmth against my body.
i can smell your fragrance next to my flushed cheek
as i press my face into my teddy bear,
he's wearing your cologne sprayed shirt.
i slowly scroll through the few photographs i've claimed of you
& with a steady smile on my lips,
i dream of a day you could finally see yourself as beautiful as i perceive you.
my heart is with you, doing all the things i'm unable to do here.
i'm unable to hear you say "i love you too" & "goodnight" in your sleepy deep voice,
unable to adore you as i stroke your forehead
& nuzzle into the curve of your neck,
unable to giggle & kiss your cheek
as your hand searches for me in your sleep,
unable to turn over & feel you pull me in tightly, close to your chest,
unable to awaken to see your sleepy morning face
& watch your lips slowly curl into a half-smile as i tease you by mocking your morning caveman grunts,
unable to see your beautiful bright blue eyes staring back into mine
as you finally open them
& i hear you say "good morning" softly...
but my heart is there, holding you, kissing you, cherishing you, protecting you.
although it's so difficult to sleep without you
& it pains me to see your side of the bed, empty,
i swallow my sadness & breathe deeply for the moment i get to see you again.
for the moment i will hold you tight in my arms, kiss your soft loving lips
& see your lighthearted smile once more.
& when i can't sleep, i just write poems
about how i miss you & love you & how breath-taking you are to me.
you know i've always had a way with words,
always been able to write pages describing anything & everything
so it touches the mind or the heart.
& now, here they are, all my words,
inspired but clumsily strung together
for you.
even your absence inspires the best of my words to come forth
like an endless love song
& i'm blessed that you are in my life.
i'm blessed & honored to belong to you.

it's 5:30am & it's difficult to sleep without you.
so i write about you, to keep your essence here with me long enough for me to sleep.

its been years since i've seen you last
& seeing your face
created so much fear
of my past coming back to haunt me.
i think you've come for revenge,
to let your rage come through
or maybe just clarity.
& you tell me of all these sweet
but sad things.
of how you never let me go.
& for a moment i felt powerful
for having such an effect on you
even after all i've done.
& then i realize
all i've done.
& i cry for hours.
my heart has come alive again
just to drown.
am i to blame again?
have i done this to you?
did i really destroy your life?
i had prayed from a distance
that you would find love
& be happy with someone
who could love you
like i never could.
am i to blame for your misery
even though i wasn't there?
but i can't fix it, i can't fix you.
i moved on years ago
& i've found a beautiful love
i've felt guilty for so many things,
mountains of guilt for my actions
but i've never felt guilty
for* not *loving someone
until now

if happiness was
a cake,
i wouldn't get
a slice.
i would circle around it,
smelling,
wanting & drooling
over it.
but never daring to
take a slice.
waiting for everyone to take
their share.
& when everyone has taken
one or two,
i see the empty cake plate
& sigh.
my stomach grumbles at me
again.
i am hungry, starved of food
again.
but i refuse to take a slice
of cake.
& like a sick girl, if i was offered
a bite
of someone else's slice & i ate it,
i'd *****.
purging myself of the things i'm not
allowed to have.
because i'm not a girl who deserves
this cake.
& i cry myself to sleep asking myself
"why"?
why can't i just eat the cake
& be happy?
but i still refuse to take a slice
of cake.
because it seems so much easier
when i'm empty.

there was  ice  wrapped
around my   h  e  a  r  t,
f r  e  e z  i  n g  it shut.
& then  the  ice  started
m  e  l   t  i   n  g  away,
but i  suddenly  started
f  e   e   l  i   n   g   cold.
cause this  ice,  burning
i n s i d e   my   v e i n s
has   made  itself  home.
cause   once    this     ice
crystallized,   my heart
got  f  r  o  s  t  b  i  t  e.
so  just because  the  ice
is  gone,  doesn't  mean
that my  heart has been
s       a      v      e       d.