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nina Jul 2017
i used to swim a lot.
  i swam so much,
    my mum used to call me a mermaid.
      i'd take three deep breaths,
        then dive into the pool head first.
          & even though i was told not to,
            i'd keep my eyes open.
             as i swam,
            merely inches from the bottom,
          i kept my eyes wide open.
        i'd see the rays of light,
      breaking through the surface.
    as i swam,
  wiggling like a mermaid,
deep beneath the water,
  i kept my eyes wide open.
    i'd happily watch,
      as the lines of light,
        danced across the floor.
          to me, those reflections
            at the bottom of the pool,
            looked like marble tiles,
             lines of blue smoke,
            or lights from shiny shells.
          it was always peaceful.
        graceful,
      magical,
    beautiful,
  it was always my happy place.
& your eyes...
  they're pale blue,
    with little hints of green.
      & i stare at the lines of blue,
        dancing in your irises.
          it's as if the goddesses
            of the water
              have blessed you,
            with shards of water.
          shards of where my heart is home.
        & when i miss my happy place,
      all i need to do,
    is dive myself into your eyes.
  because your eyes
are my happy place.
»a.b.
nina Jul 2017
8w
i wish i understood
why my heart aches
nina Jun 2017
ahh love,     self love.
the more  self aware
i become, the more i
bloom, the less i
destroy & the
happier i
feel.
"ahh love, self love.
the more self aware i become,
the more i bloom, the less i destroy
& the happier i feel."
nina Jun 2017
i'm sorry that i'm not happy.
but all the lives i have lived,
all the heartache & pain
have caused my unhappiness.
it's nothing to do with you.
all it is, is the past.
telling me that love means pain
& that if they don't hurt you constantly
it's not love.
my past tells me that love
is always perfect & happy,
that there are no issues in love,
love is perfect.
all these ideals & perfectionism
sabotaging my relationships
sabotaging my happiness.
telling me that this is wrong
because i was raised in contradiction.
contradiction is my home.
i've seen the war between my parents
i've heard the screaming of insults
i've witnessed the anger
i've been the blank screen
on which to cast the anger on.
i was taught from a very young age
that my failures were catastrophic
instead of a normal process of life.
i was taught that my temper
was a way to gain the attention
i so desperately craved.
i was taught that my pain
was insignificant & invalid
that i was a brat for feeing anything
except grateful.
i grew up thinking that nice
was boring & unsatisfying
& that danger & manipulation
would fill the empty void.
i grew up with negativity, pain
& contradiction
clouding my every thought,
clouding my every judgement,
shaping my every decision.
so i'm sorry i'm not happy.
saying "it's not you; it's me"
sounds like such a cliché.
but it couldn't be more appropriate.
forgive me.
clearly i still have some inner issues to deal with.
nina Jun 2017
my heart is on fire
my throat is closing in
my eyes are leaking
& im breaking down
i'm worried
that this is all in my head
what if i'm forcing this?
what if i'm not?
what if i love you?
what if i don't?
what if
what if it's in my head
& im self-destructing
i'm so sick of these
"what if"s circling my head
so what if
i'm confused
only because
**i don't like the answer
nina Jun 2017
i have
the strangest dreams.

i've dreamt of skeletons,
walking on their hands.
i've dreamt of sleeping,
& having nightmares,
a dream within a dream.
i've dreamt of a huge storm,
with a tornado,
whipping a car at my house.
i've dreamt of seeing my ex,
asking about his daughter
& talking as friends.
i've dreamt of seeing another ex,
arguing with him again about,
who's to blame for the breakup.
i've dreamt about friends
i used to have
suddenly asking me out.
i've dreamt about my body
morphing into a skeleton,
then dissolving into ash.
i've dreamt of gum stuck
in my teeth but every time i pull,
there's still more gum stuck.
i've dreamt about my love,
suddenly having enough of me,
just as everyone has.

i've dreamt of so much.
dreams are said to have meaning.
but when i search for a meaning
i'm left more confused than before.
but still,
i have the strangest dreams.
nina Jun 2017
i feel so happy
no worries, no doubts, just love
it is that simple
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