Loneliness is a deeper pit
Than any other in my soul.
It consumes every bit
And starts to eat you whole.

God created a symphony
And it’s the most beautiful song
And it’s the sound
Of your laugh.

God created the stars
But the brightest he saved
For your eyes
When they light up.

God created the soothing sounds
Of waves coming on land
But made the most soothing sound
Your voice.

God made the cities and plains
For the perfect balance of busy and calm
But the most beautifully complex
Was saved for your mind.

Six foot four,
Two hundred and sixty pounds.
I see your shaven neck
On strangers bodies
And I’m back there.

Right back where I can’t feel my hands
Alcohol spilled on my dress
Your hands are somewhere
And I am dead.

But, I already was.
You didn’t know that you were into that.
*** with dead souls.
Unfortunately my body was alive.

A causal day, ruined.
Brought back to that night
Just because of some mans
shaven neck.

I can feel the ache still.
Stomach churns
Anxiety chills
I did it again.


Then I remember other nights
Nights that I fought back
Nights that I was passed out
On some mans bathroom floor.

I can hear your laugh
And still feel your hands fight me
And hearing you say “just stop, you want this, you do it with everyone else”.

Skin feels like it’s not connected
to my body.
And breathing gets hard,
But not you.

Because you’re not here.
Not you, not the other men either.
And I’m back to today, in line,
Getting lunch.

And I am alone.
But I am not dead anymore.
Flashback is done
Now to eat a salad.

Warm summer nights
Intended to be surrounded
By fireflies and kisses
Replaced by “hell smiles”.

Those smiles I would give
When the world was bad
But making you mad
Would make it worse.

Living through hell
With a smile on my face
For years on end
Getting comfortable there.

I unpacked my thoughts
With the occasional housewarming gift
Quickly followed by the
Beer trickled fingertips.

If those sticky fingertips
Saw anything but my fake joy
I’d be reminded I was in hell,
So, I smile.

Liquor bottles tipped over
Spit in my face from the sharp
Sound of the start of the word
“*****”.

That’s what I am.
A ***** who smiles through hell.
A ***** who catches your fall,
And keeps you from jail.

Hell smiles.
The one thing that keeps me sane
Through the nights of your terror
Is smiling in my living room of your brain.

Here, bruises are like weeds;
Insignificant, a nuisance.
Up my arms, down my legs,
Another night I smiled in hell.

But I moved out of that living room.
I forgot how to smile in hell.
And you didn’t like that,
So you found someone who could.

Now I’m alone in hell
Forgetting how to leave
And grasping for more
Than hell smiles.

A lonely tree
Broken, afraid, abused.
It craved comfort
And it craved love.

There, there, lonely tree,
For I will be your sun.
Shining on the ground
Helping your leaves grow.

A scared tree you are,
Filled with broken branches.
I will help you grow new ones,
Stronger than the old.

A healing tree you are,
Starting to grow new buds.
Still so fragile,
Your branches are all new.

A happy tree you are,
You dance in my rays
And they only shine for you
Grow happy tree, grow.

And a growing tree you are.
My rays bounce off you
So everyone sees your beauty
And gets shade from my rays.

A loving tree you are
Giving me purpose as the sun,
Giving you life
Is what makes me shine.

A busy tree you are,
Housing new life,
Wishing just once
For a cloud all day.

A happy sun I am.
Even when the clouds
Block my rays from you,
I know you are under there.

A cloudy sun I am.
Some days I peak through
And glimpse my happy tree,
Forgetting about my rays.

A sad sun I am.
Happy tree is there,
But happy tree, is busy tree,
And forgets about the sun.

A rainy sun I am.
Let the rain fall for days,
Only to hope my busy tree
Is growing.

So much time used up
On something I thought
Would be lifelong
That was murdered by the creation.

So much time used up
Filling my voids
Bandaging my wounds
And avoiding my heart.

So much time used up
Having sleepless dreams
Eating anxiety soup
and trying to break my mind.

So much time used up
Washing my face in tears
Putting on the makeup
That masked my dead face.

So much time just,
Used up.

Then you.

So much time used up
Listening to that voice
Soothing as the breeze
Scary as the ocean.

So much time used up
Letting our souls out
Talking about anxiety meals
And holes barely stitched together.

So much time used up
Learning all about your heart holes
Stitched with gut wretches
As she made every hole.

So much time used up
Grabbing your hands
And showing you how to sew
And we sewed each other up

So much time used up
After we realized we shared
The same string to sew our hearts
and now they connect forever.

So much time used up
Listening to our heart string tunes
Play a new song
Of soul love

So much time used up
Laying head on stomach
And afternoon laughs
Sprinkled with our breaths

So much time used up
On dreams of you
Anxiety soup isn’t
Served here anymore.

So much time used up
On never having enough
Time with you,
My love.

Kisses.
Sweet and soft.
Childhood.
Innocence.

Faster.
Heavy breathing.
My heart, it beats
I can feel every pump.

Stomach.
Leaping,
Then diving.
Roller coaster.

Clothes.
On, happy.
Slipping, and scared,
Hands grasp at my dress.

Kissing.
Scary.
Breathless, gasp.
Closed mouth.

Faster.
Head spins.
No.
Say no fast.

Stomach.
Dead leaper.
Alive fire.
Tucked into lungs.

Clothes.
Battling hands.
Defeated hands.
Clothes off.

Kissing.
Forced.
Lost consistency
Dead.

Faster.
No, no, say it fast.
Breathe.
Fast pumps.
Pumps of pain.

Stomach.
Empty.
Hollow guilt.
Swelled up alcohol.

Clothes.
Gone, missed.
Coveted bedsheets.
Grasping for cover.

Kissing.
Dead.
No more.
Death.

Walls.
Build them up.
Break them down.
Build them taller.

Every word, every whipser
Is either adding a brick
Or taking one away.
But never staying the same.

You broke it all down
And I threw away the bricks.
I didn’t know that I should have saved
At least one.

You came in and looked around
I let you move right into
Every corner that used to be guarded
By the walls i put up.

Slowly, I forgot where i even put my bricks.
I wouldn’t need them anyways.
You took them all away,
But i didnt know you would steal them.

You lit the bricks on fire,
And you burned the house down.
See, you still had your bricks up
And built more with mine that you stole.

I am left brickless.
Its almost like im homeless.
Everything is out,
Nothing is protected.

But you.
You are walls that are miles high.
I can see the bricks you stole from me
Scattered about your walls.

But while im laying on the ground
That is the only thing left after the fire
I look around and notice,
There is sunlight.

No walls are up,
And the mind is shattered.
But while yours is built up and safe,
Mine, has the sun.

Sometimes i remember
The nights of alone
Not laying in bed just by myself
But truly, completely, alone.

Its dark outside
But that doesnt compare
To how dark it is inside
This house of flesh.

Skin, bones, muscle
I learn every day about them,
How they move, how they express
But not how they love.

Isnt it crazy
We use these parts to love
But these parts alone arent anything
Other than bodies just touching bodies.

What about thoughts?
Are thoughts love?
A human brain has thoughts
From the time its born to death.

When do we formulate thoughts of love.
To our mom when she nurses?
Or our dad when he checks for monsters?
Dolls, toys, trucks, when is there love?

But the soul is different.
There is no soul scan
Or soul therapy.
It just, is.

Its alive without being woken up
Its there when everything is broken
But what is it filled with?
Spirit, passion, love.

It is not in our bodies to love
It is not in our brains to love
It is in our soul
Our third part.

Maybe that is whats missing.
I forgot to feed you.
Youre withering away
Like anything would.

A body without food is broken
A brain without books is empty
And a soul without nuture,
What happens then?

Broken. Empty. Death.
A soul without nurture is dead.
Nothing happens without a soul.
No life, no love, no awakening.

Was my soul here from the beginning?
Is there a start and end to you?
There is to my body and my brain
But what about you?