And your intellect is wasted.
Let me tell you, your words will lose their depth.
Because she hears them and smiles,
but they are hollow to her.
They are just an extension of you.
Just another second, third, hundredth chance at half-assed affection that won't last the week.

I wonder what will become of your words.
Of your presence that fills all spaces in conversation.
I wonder what will happen to your heart.
That is more authentic than most and so contrasts her own.
Your mind that follows no one else.
And eyes which love your mother
and long patiently for the sea.
Your head that is tighter than your hold on me.

If she manages to ensnare you
with her black lips and hungry heart,
then I will forever wonder
If she is pulling these things apart.

It could be a million people.
It could be my demons.
It could be the problems I'm not dealing with.
It could be the people I'm trying not to think about.
It could be the thing I need to hear most.
It's almost definitely not you.
But, heaven help me, it is.

Because you are my demons.
You're a problem I'm avoiding.
You're the person I try not to think about.
And you have become the voice I need to hear most.
So on the other end of this phone,
screaming at me like an angel,
it almost definitely is you.

And, heaven help me, I'm picking up.

I won't cry about you.
I won't write about you.
And maybe you won't exist.

I tried to create something from this,
but my piano did not bleed.

The sound that came out meant nothing in my ears.
It spoke of nothing and asked for nothing
and reminded me of you.

And now you're going to leave,
but my piano did not bleed.

Have you known the winter days?
Late February falls like frigid snow
Merciless undertow
Of evergreen and alpenglow
And grey ground pavement walking
Like Grocery shopping
and weak chai tea
Moonlengths from all family
And surrounded like strawbury temptation,
Late night lamp light contemplation
And drowsy-dampened mornings
Grey glaze of diluted boring
Spattered over every orifice
Charcoal eyes, platonic kiss.
Pull your bow to shoot and miss
Tell me all this is is what it is
And I will tell you, “okay”
(but you know this isn’t what I wanted)

Hide the roadsigns
Blur the guidelines
This is how I love you

Have you known the winter days?
Late February fell like fire on hell
And shook me from my sleep
Ashes cover snow-banked heaps of rubble
I slice my wrist on the sharpened stubble
Of your half-assed beard
(this is how I bleed my dear)
This is how I bear my soul
******* smile
And dominoes
Carnation cults
And buried bones
(This is how I build your throne)

Hide the gravestones
Burn the rainbows
This is how I love you.

And have you known the winter days?
Late February fallen like Lucifer to the underworld
We both knew I wasn’t altogether that typeof girl
But we pretended anyways
Alcoholic halo haze
And foreign intervention
Of somewhat insidious intention
And the legitimate logistical question
That defined our discourse on fear
(this is how I think my dear)
This is how I speak my mind
All that grey
Those missing roadsigns
Smoke and soot and
Blurry guidelines
And Gravestones gone
And rainbows ash
(and we are never coming back)

This.
This is how I love you.

I said your name today.
I thought I said your name.
But I must have said something else.
Because it did not hold the same significance and pain.

The words on my lips were as foreign
as the names of places you've been.
It didn't fill my head with foam-
didn't flood my lungs with ocean.

And the miles and seconds and days and months
did not crush me under your smile.
Because I said your name.
And it was just your name.
And it has lost its charm for a while.

He means very little to me-
on a regular, uninterrupted day.
But when he talks to me,
he is maliciously welcoming.
He's toxically enduring
and determinedly warm.

It's possible Stockholm Syndrome,
it's definite injustice.
Sweet, sweet injustice.
Sweet interruptions.
My sweet bitterness to his sweet nonchalance.
And then;
sweet realisation that I may not be alright,
but merely distracted.