The hammer falls
And this tall elegant mirror
Cracks and shatters into a thousand jagged pieces
Crumbling to these aged oak floors

The tears are flowing from my eyes
I wonder if you hear my cries
Such a long time has gone by
Yet I recall the day perfectly in my mind
Your body was cold as you whispered good-bye
Yet, your deathly appearance made me hide
Finally, I got the courage to speak on that dark date
But, when I grabbed your hand, I was far too late
Your hands had grown cold
Your glow no longer gold
Your eyes, so vibrant in the life I never thought you'd lose
Had finally went dull, they had been dying since noon
I screamed to the heavens, head in my hands
My knees buckled, the inability to stand
Forever I will hate my darkened heart
All because its fear refused to let me say good bye at the start

One slice, two slice, three slice, four
Five slice, six slice, seven slice, more
You can follow the trail as I walk out of your door
To the world of hate, where we all want more
Where the ones you love become the ones you hate
And the ones you hate just want to discriminate
Each drop of blood, every single tear
These groans in my throat, all born from fear
If you can't take me as I want to be
Then, one slice, two slice, two slice, three

My demons come out to play.

At the edges, their dance is alluring
Their perfumes swirl around me like ***** smoke
And I fiend to tumble deeper down the rabbit hole
To remember
Or to forget
Those inescapable repercussions.

On my throat
Across my face
Dragging me back and pinning me down
Inside and out.
How they haunt my dreams and rouse me relentlessly
Until unconsciousness is no longer an escape
And wakefulness is a constant battle
Oh, how those hands have conditioned me
Fore, I am at a point where my reflection looks bland without colour dancing across my skin
Or his hand-prints a perfect recollection as to why I must obey

So, until I can recognize the woman in the mirror whose only colour is her own
My demons inch closer while you love away my pain

Drowning in the air I can no longer sense buzzing and swirling around me in melodies and soft caresses.
That would spring my steps and twists my fingers into beautiful worlds of colour and chaos.
Now, it just blows inconveniently and loud around everything that surrounds me.
I have become anchored in this underwhelming realm of ****
No longer can I see past the flesh around me; the hazy shadows leaving sneak peaks to the souls they carry
Or feel the ancient spirits of the trees with milennia of knowledge and wisdom slumbering soundly.
Nor hear the Goddess sing in the crisp, quiet caress that came with the fallen snow.
No.
My life has become controlled by this...this small atrocity that absorbs all my colours and leave me dulled and gray
I'm calm and clear; but so calm I am empty.
There is no music in this new mind of mine
And my magick feels locked away
Is this normal?
Who would darken such a sunny day?
I say as I swallow the pills anyway.

I see sunshine in your eyes
And moonlight in your smile.
My effervescent star;
My rainbow child.

Eagerly, I await that flutter in your chest
Or your head laid gently to my full breast.
With lullabies and whispers, we'll lay you to bed
And a kiss upon your small, curly head.

For I have sunshine in my eyes
And moonlight in my smile.
With you, come new life;
My darling, rainbow child❤

The light of the sky darkens
And clouds roll in thick
Lightening flashes in my eyes
Thunder cracks like a snapped twig
All the happiness is drained away
As the clouds swell in pride
I lay on the ground, cold and drained
I've lost all my fight
Suddenly the ground quivers
All the structures shake
Raindrops gush from the near-black sky
And I'm slowly washed away

The sun is bright
But the sky is dark
The birds are chirping
Yet I don't hear a single lark
You stand beside me
Yet you're so far away
Your lips form words
Yet I can't hear what you say
I reach out my hand
Your touch I crave
Yet I only hit glass
No matter what I do, it won't break
Now the tears stream
A river falls from our eyes
My reality has been broken
Now I know you never, truly, silenced my cries
After all these years
Of living a lie
My life is shattered
And I finally realize
In my dreams, I was with you
But, in reality, I have died

For the first time
In too many years
I look to a mirror
And what should I see
But a beautiful and loved woman
With a smile in her eyes and a gasp on her lips.
After so many years of uncertainty
I finally recognize the reflection

A voice echos through the trees
It makes me feel weak in the knees
All the hate is clear in my mind
When I'm alone I can finally cry
"I hate you! You worthless! You just waste the air!"
I can't believe I thought you cared
As I curl up under the night sky
I hold the blade to my wrist and let out one more saddened sigh
First pressure, then pain, then ecstasy
I know this is the only way to finally be free
As the darkness closes in, I see their faces
The ones that had held me together through the ages
Their voices echo through my mind
"I, I want to to save you. Want to save your heart tonight"
I know you tried, but you can't always be right
Thank you for everything, but no one can save me tonight

Society tells me my size 22 hips
Are disgusting
That the hole in my lip
Is atrocious
My pointed nails, my blue hair, my black clothes
Are products of the devil
I am given freedom of religion yet, I am condemned because my Goddess is not
your God
I am poked and prodded at because my sexuality goes beyond laying with a man
In my state, I cannot marry a women because society is so entrapped in their perfect religion
How is this a fair world if I cannot be me?
As a woman, I am expected to keep my opinion to myself, bear children, and serve a husband
Yet, I am independent and creative
I thrive to make my own path
To be successful in myself and those closest to me  
To be unique and to question everything I will not conform to a society in which I cannot think for myself

I believe in what cannot be seen
Therefore, I am crazy
I work better alone; think better on my own
I keep my words in my brain because they aren't the same as everyone's
So, I am depressed
My body composition is curvaceous and *****
So I starve myself to get the body society has entitled as perfection
But, what of my body?
Do I live how I see fit?
Hiding from mirrors and cameras, covered up by the baggy clothes boys wear on a day to day basis
Or do I entomb myself in a decaying corpse to live a short life of perfection
No.
I will walk with my head held high and my skirt blowing in the wind
Because I will not conform to society's definition of perfection

I crave affection in the physical form
Therefore, I am a ****
But you don't know my back story
You do not know how my entire life I was deprived of the emotions I so desperately craved
I don't know how to feel when a feeling is all that is offered to me
So, I remain alone
Because I am not beauty in society's eye
Therefore, I am not your first choice
Even though everyone says 'do not judge a book by it's cover'
I am cast away before you get to know me
Before you know my talents, my hobbies, my aspirations in life, my goals, my struggles, the reasons behind my words
Because society has been taught to love with the eyes and not the heart
What about the pigmentation of my skin complexion?
Society automatically disregards me as a troubled teen
That I will just become another statistic of the African-American populace
But I say I won't
Because my ancestors fought and died for their freedom, therefore I should fight for my say in my life
I will not be fat-shamed
I will not be ****-shamed
I will not be black-shamed
Because I cannot and will not conform to a society in which I cannot be me

Twelve years of difference
I still can't stay away
I've been swept up in your voice
And pulled into your games

The thought of loving you petrifies me
But the thought of forgetting you stabs  
It seems I'm stuck; not a soul at my side
Doomed to wander, heartbroken, through the lands

Here I stand in the darkness
As my heart swells at the mention of your name
Our story is as great as Daniel and Lucinda
Yet, I bet we could put them to shame

So, as the days are rolling by so slowly
And I just wish to call you mine
I'll sing the song of a hopeless romantic
Trapped in the wrong time

His first kiss, her last kiss
By the bars of the cell he put her in
His love is the love of a bestmans' girl
Who's two hearts follow her across the worlds
This mad man that never realized he waited too long
To love his sweet, Riversong

As the flaming hues of yellows and reds and oranges
Gracefully fall across the horizon
The sky darkens.
The receding rays of gold fire and frost blue
Fade into deep ceruleans and violet purples
Until there is a world of an unlimited shade of blacks and silvers
Decorated with a galaxy of stars
Spanning every shade, tone, and hue of a rainbow
And everything is, was, an will always remain
An explosion of colours

You said you loved me that was a lie
So while your lips meet hers i'll go cry
A pain so huge it seeps from my pores
And forces me to hide behind closed doors
All this for you now look what i've become
A cold lonely girl meant for no one
I guess now i finally see
What happens when you love someone irrevocably

Choking on my breath
Drowning in the shockwaves of the difibulator pressed to my chest
At rest with no rest
My physical form of matter will sleep for eternity
While my spirit is trapped
Trapped choking on that last breath
Where I tried to say everything but nothing at all
"I'm sorry
I love you
Forgive me
Don't let me go"

I am now so still
My dark skin so ashy white
I can hear your heart breaking
And see the silent river flowing from your eyes
But I thank you for this experience
For showing me how it feels to be loved and be in love
For the time I ran when you broke me down
How you searched every corner of our little towne
Your love is one I'll never forget
Your smile one I will never lose
So, as I'm taken from your arms
I pray you will know
I can always find you
Because you've taught me where broken hearts go

The night is around me
Surrounds me
Encompasses me in its arms
It hides me
Guides me
Holds me close to its heart

The night so defiant
So infrangible
So thrilling
It holds my head up high
Supports me
Disciplines me
It's infatuated with this heart of mine

The night so dark outside
So atramentous
So incubating
It teaches me how to be
Alluring in my eye
Unquenchable in my desire
The night, so bright, is where I aspire

The pen is crusted
Dry and rusted
The ink is red
It grows brighter as I use it again and again
Each layer a story with a saddened end
No one understands why the pen is my friend

The paper is brown
Torn and frowned
Covered in rough-edged lines
The pen on paper is the only way to pass the time
With each line, a tear stream down my face
No one understands why I craze the way it makes my heart race

The paper is too stained and the pen too dry
My friends see my face and wonder why I have cried
Then I pull out the paper from behind my sleeve
And their gasp echo through the trees
They pity in their eyes let's me know I'll write again
Now, do you understand? My skin and the blade are the paper and the pen

Nothing is better than The Rush.
No feeling in the world can compare to the high.
The smell of a powdery mountain overtakes my nose.
The tingle of a warm syrup slithers through my veins.
The inhale of smoke swarms into my lungs.
And the days slowly fade away.

Nothing is worse than The Crash.
When you can feel the euphoria dripping out of every crevice.
The stink of the sweat that rains down over my clammy skin.
The aches and shadows that encompass my sunken eyes.
The cramps that seize me and ******* my body.
Make me realize the I can't live without the high.

Sitting on the window pane
You look out at the autumn skies
Remembering the events of a month pass
It all plays across your eyes

The loss of the friend you thought you knew
Your family falling to ruins
The pain of falling victim to abuse
You wish none of it was true

Then, the sky is dark
Lightning flashes
Thunder rumbles
And all your electricity crashes

A tornado swirls close to your home
Dust flies through the trees
The ones you know run for their lives
But you open your arms, ready to be free

You open your eyes
The tears begin
You let out a saddened sigh
No, not this time, for it was the storm in your eyes again

Have you ever had a feeling you can't explain?
Lost and alone
In love and in pain
When you want to cry and scream and punch things until your knuckles become a ******, bruised mess.
And, at the same time you want to to be wrapped in the arms of your lover with your ear pressed to their chest?
But, there's so many feelings, you get overwhelmed and shut down
And you find yourself staring blankly at a wall for hours with nothing but a frown.
That feeling that envelopes your mind so it's empty and whirring at the same time.
The one that won't go away no matter how hard you try.
Yes? No? Maybe it's just me.
But I've got that feeling and it makes me want to scream.

January 8th of 1998 is the day your game began
Already holding up an enraged mother in a fatherless home with your small, infant hands
As the years go by, it all gets better, you can see the light of day
But just hold on, my dearest friend, your teenage years are on their way

November 23rd of 2011 is when the tables are turned
You befriend the sad, lonely girl and shed light on her tattered world
Up and down this round goes and you hold each other for dear life
It may seem endless, but I promise you, things will turn out right

April 19th of 2015 you are reaching the last of your bluffs
No matter how many times you go over it, the terrain always remains rough
This hand you were dealt is a nasty one, with tears and screams and fights
Just hold on, I've been there and survived it, and I will serve as your guiding light

Cheers to the girl with a mind bigger on the inside than it is on the outside
Tears to the mad woman who can never keep up with the up side and the down side
Yes to the silly girl, the happy girl, the fun girl searching for adventures
No to the mature girl, the scary girl, the dark girl making choices and suffering consequences
Fun for the mad woman that sees world after world
Done is the good girl that has gone to war
This girl and this mad woman, living side by side
One in the dark and one in the light
But under the skin, in their two hearts, where the truth really hides
You'll find nothing but fear, guilt, rejection, and lies

Today is a silent day.
A "lost in thought" kind of day.
When reality is not my first choice because my mind focuses on all the sharp, pointy things
And Today is not the day to succumb to sharp, pointy things.
I'd be fine if it wasn't for this book I started today.
Today's book is about a girl who likes sharp, pointy things.
And they keep describing it in such vivid details,
I can almost feel my skin splitting and a river pouring out.
But, Today can't be the day I break.
I've traded the sharp, pointy things for paint brushes
And the only designs on my wrists are done in pen.
But, Today, the world is weighing on me
And I just can't escape.
148 days is such a hard number to obtain.
And zero so easily found
But, I will reach 149.
Today will be mad
But, Tomorrow will be proud.

Pain and anger
Fear and lust
I want to forget
I want to be touched
I wanted to hide
I wanted to run
But I'm here in your arms and captured in your clutch  
I want to be rocked,
To be ruled and ride
I want to be trapped and buried alive
I want to be torn and torn in two
I want to feel every inch of you
But you want me to be a good girl and follow the rules
And I want to be naughty and show you how to use your tools
I'm torn between wanting you or running to hide
But if you hit this first
You'll know when I decide

Hiding behind lipstick and cigarettes,
She slips on a tight dress
Only to slip out of it again and again.
This girl,
This teenage girl that clutches her secrets as she steps onto a midnight street
Where everyone thinks she's just a piece of meat.
They can bite and tear into her until they're satisfied
And then leave her laying with tears in her eyes.
This girl,
This teenage girl, who has already had to learn how to survive.

For hours on end she slips in and out of the dress,
Her clothes disheveled, her hair now a mess.
All she holds onto is that she can make it through.
So, with a stack of cash and a warm cup of Joe,
She shuffles and limps the long way home.
"Food" and "Rent" is laid on the table
And she steps in the shower, barely able.
The tears flow freely with no one is sight
This girl,
This poor, teenage girl, who has become trapped in the night.

A part of me loves you.
Loves to hold your hand and laugh at your jokes,
To hug you tight and never want to let go.
I miss you when you're gone
And hate when you leave,
A part that cries when you're sick
And is happy that you still breathe.
I want to say you know me,
My hobbies and my dreams.
I want to say I have a dad that truly loves me.

Then, there's a part of me that hates you.
Hates that you broke my heart and left me behind,
Never wiped my tears when I started to cry.
I pray that you forget me
And never want to come back,
A part that knows you've chosen your liquor over me
And hopes you have a heart attack.
I want to forget your face,
Your name, your number, and your life.
I want to forget I have a dad that has caused me so much strife.

These parts coexist inside me.
A never-ending battle inside my heart.
Hate can win or love can lose,
It depends on how my day starts.
So, patiently I'll wait for that inevitable call
That day your heart ceases to beat,
Until then there will always be
Two halves of a whole that make up me.

Bone, muscle, and tendon
Then love, hate, and redemption
An emotional roller coaster
A broken bridge
A few memories we have all hid
A lost word
A forgotten phrase
Time we have lost
And lessons we have gained
A secret, a story
A little bit of gory
But, most importantly
What no one can see
Under my skin
Deep in my heart
That is where you will find the real me

Overwhelmed and underwhelimg
In the things most important
Drowning in the air I can no longer feel
Buzzing and swirling around me in melodies and soft caresses
That would spring my steps and twists my fingers into beautiful worlds of colour and chaos
Now I have been anchored in this underwhelming realm of ****
I can no longer see past the flesh around me
Feel the spirit of the trees
Nor hear the Goddess sing in the falling snow
No.
My life has become controlled by this...this small sponge of chemicals that absorbs all my colours and leave me dulled and gray
I'm calm; so calm I'm empty
There is music no more
And my magick is astray!
Is this normal?
Who would ever want to be normal??
I say, as I swallow the pills and start another day

I am but a leech, desecrating in lilly glossed waters;
Clotting beautiful beads, like bracelets, across wet flesh.
Desire is a horseman in this world, coming to close the curtains on the day.
Why stop? For lashes from the scepter that was to guide us?
Fractured and rotten; yet we still cling for a taste of a crumb of the life once held within it's dead trunk.
Death. But an old friend and a forgotten enemy greedily tickling this slicken frame.
Fingers float tempting whispers to my every nerve and I long for my senses to set ablaze in those writhing clutches
Screaming from inside for release that teases and tingles like the ****** that never comes. Shaken and slightly shrunken
Light blazes at the doors, searing and scorching the very flesh that holds a withered frame
No longer seeking escape,
I slither back to the darkness I seem to have forgotten was home once before

Welcome to my haven
My prison
My heaven
My hell
Welcone to my life

Life was easy before I met you
Before I could recall all your perfect imperfections with ease
Your messy hair
Your lanky arms
The depth of your eyes when you try to hide your sadness
Even as I write this, I see them in my mind
And my heart swells with pride

Love wasn't in my vocabulary before I fell in love with you
I never knew the sensation of a quickening heart when you are near me
I didn't realize I could babble so fast and incoherently until you said you loved me
How beautiful a smile can be when it's for you
How bright a soul can burn at the sound of you name
Since then, I know I'll never be the same

My heart never beat so fast until you broke it
My eyes never cried so many tears until you punched a hole in my chest
I never knew pain at a ten until that ungodly night
Yet, five years since the day we met, we still stand side by side
After the fights and the words and the rivers we've cried
We can still share 'I love you'
We can still dance through the night
Laugh and hold each other tight

I have never felt such deep emotions until I met you
And, as our lives progress, our love will stay true
So, my dear, I finally see
Exactly what you've done to me

Sprawled across the maroon waters
Your hair tumbles like the sea foam green waves on the shore
Your chest rises slightly as my head lies on your heart
Boom! Boom! Boom!  It flutters like the wings of a hummingbird that joyfully zooms to and fro
What of the small smile on your face?
So bright yet timid that the buds of a spring flower envy you
My arms encircle your slight frame
They slide into place like a puzzle piece
A sign from the courts you are truly for me

Splash! A tear falls into the puddle of others that have fallen
I can feel your heart beat, so broken
Do you feel the beat of mine that broke for you?
I know you don’t hear it
Sense it
Feel it
I stand with you in the storm
It reflects the pain inside of me as you cry over another
Always second in your life, but always here
The pain will fade
Another will come
You’ll smile and tell me you’re in love
I’ll return your smile while inside I cry until you break again and I blow up
But, here I stay
For, I cannot find the strength to run away

Here we lay
Limbs entangled like that of a tree
Our fingers laced tighter than my DC’s
Your pink lips the envy of a newly opened rose hover gracefully over mine
Your eyes that are bright as a star lead to your soul
Did you know they turn from green to grey in the winter?
You may not like it, but they are gorgeous
Two lonely weeks from the anniversary of the day we met
Here we stay in each other’s arms
After a long, dark-filled wait
All it took was a simple phrase
A smile spreads across my face
And we seal our dreams with a soft kiss as our hands lace

Finally, I have found Where the Sidewalk Ends!
Well, less "Where" more "What" and "When".  
The sidewalk is our timeline and each fixed point is an end!

Around our aura parts the currents of space and chaotic life.
Where we've both been trapt in its waters and we gained our years of fight.
Battling towards each individual branch, we see emanates of sounds and lights!
With laughs, cries, and hues galore we parade our guiding lanterns high!
For in the distance is curdled screams of wedding bells and flashing purple skies.

All this time bobbing in the waters, but it taken so long see
At each Sidewalks End, the darkness recedes and reveals pieces of you and me.  
Where a lantern collects a moment in time, each dew drop holds our melody
Each star holds pieces of a fragile heart, and every End is only The Beginning.

The walls
The white walls
The white walls that wall me in and never let me leave
Closer. Tighter. Smaller.
The walls grow close around me until the only thing inside is....me
No air.
No words.
I cannot breathe
I should not, could not, will not leave
These white walls are a part of me
A part so distant, yet so near
A part that counts my falling tears
Oh, white walls, white walls
The product of my greatest fear

How will I ever be a mom
When my baby maker is as broken
As this dark heart?
What an unfair world

The pristine crystals of ice
Glisten under the light of the moon
And the snap of crisp twigs underfoot
Startle those not immune.
The sparkling white,
A blanket of encased life,
Is a frigid treat
To these cold eyes.

If you be Mercedes, I'll be Benz
If you be best, I'll be friends
If you are cloud, I'll be nine
And if I am forever, you must be mine
The words are a phrase
The lines a rhyme
The paper is us
The pencil is time
As long as the pencil does not break
The memories of us will never fade
So, as this pencil grows weak, all I'll ask to say
Is if you forget me tomorrow, remember me today

Will you hold my hand as I cry out your name
Or walk away with your head held in shame
I found your love to be my drug
That kills my body as it shoots through my veins
Through my veins to my heart
From my heart to my brain
Until I am completely yours; consumed by your game
Swallowed up by your words
Memorized by your touch
God, I could never get enough
But, now that your love has withered me
And I am just a dried up husk
You've taken to the world alone
And left me in your dust

I feel my heart slowly crumbling
Does it still beat or does that fail too?
Has the warmth it once held finally turned as cold as my being?
Has it finally given up on my like everything elsein life?
Down, I feel my mind tumbling
Words fall upon my ears as it breaks
"You never meant anything to me"
"You have always just been a pawn in my game"
The world is falling in on me
I wonder
Should I stay?
Or should i go?
The answer, nobody seems to know
I feel the bruises you  left on my soul
Did you know you caused the scars across my wrist?
The bruises spread out over my swollen fist?
Of course you do, and you are so proud.
Now the pills I will swollow down
Before I go, I'll sit here and write
Desperately, my tears I will hide
Clawing at the surface, while inside I die
And slowly fall asleep as my eyes try not to cry