I overthink everything.
I overthought this starting poem, writing and re-writing it time and again in my mind, smudging the subdurma and grey matter with graphite smears and flecks of rubber eraser.
I’m not a poet
I’m not artistic or good enough
I’m not comfortable with vulnerability enough to let people see me as
I don’t know if I trust myself enough to not betray everything
I’ve ever believed in with my musings and thoughts from
Somewhere. That thought was cut and backspaced prematurely because I’m obsessed with perfection and pleasing everyone but pleasing me isnt okay because
I’m not okay to let myself be okay.
I’m done. I have to let me be me, and let go of the
I I never was, but was presenting alone
My mother wouldn’t like this poem. She’d say it’s choppy and why doesnt rhyme and what are all the spaces for and I don’t like poetry or get it and I think it’s just a bunch of people pretending to be impressed by something they don’t understand
This isn’t for you, mom.
I love you, but it’s not for you.
when a poet falls in love with you
you can never die
they will notice the way
you rub your palms and look down
when someone is angry at you
and the way you smirk
as you pull away from a kiss
they will notice how you can't sleep
without your body touching someone else's
how you never crease any pages of books
and how you close your eyes when you dance in your kitchen
with your record player on
they will find all of the words
that they see you as
and turn them into something beautiful
people say you die twice
once when you stop breathing
and when someone says your name
for the last time
if you fall in love with a poet
they will never stop
mentioning your name
you will be alive
Imagine how many people
Have fallen temporarily in love with you
On the train
On the street
In the car
In your room
Or after you'd fallen in love with them.
I almost forgot about you today. A sizable
spill of coffee shot me to my feet, holding
up my mocha-soaked notebook like an
unclaimed child. A dozen eyes found
me at once---a security measure meant
to bring shame to a klutz breaking his
social contract. Attention for **** living.
When the pain receded I stood in place
and imagined you brushing your teeth.
It feels like suicide
i'm with you
How could I reach you
if even mountains
can't touch the sky
it's kinda like dodge ball
but you can't throw back
buzz buzz* my phone goes off
3:02 am on the clock.
It's you agian.
At the same time
With the same message
Then a tap tap tap at my window.
buzz buzz "Please, let me in"
I text back "no"
tap tap tap
This time a voice
"Let me in."
He'll be back
He always comes back.
Just a nightmare I had once
We walked around
We talked the whole time
Your smile made me nervous
Every time you messed with your hair it made my knees weak.
You're everything I look for
You said let's do this again
The weird part is
I haven't seen you in two years
And it felt like I saw you yesterday
You're blue eyes looking in my green eyes
When you would just look at me and listen
You would smile when I made a dumb joke
I want to see him again
The blonde haired and blue eyed boy
Still don't know if it was a date lol
Sometimes I read other peoples poetry and I realize that it's those words I've been secretly harboring in my heart; and someone was finally able to explain them to me.