oh honey,
i'm having trouble breathing
as the tears mix up with sweat
and the ragged breaths won't rest
i'm still trapped in this purgatory
between forgiveness and regret
or maybe
just disgust and resentment

when will this waiting
ever end?

it all started with
a night of poetry and music
between artists and lovers,
making music and art
like they do when making love
speaking in tongues and lust
even angst from their lungs

but i was with him
all through the night
when i knew
all i wanted was
to be with you

oh if you only knew
this silence leaves me blue
between lingering breaths
and cigarette smoke
i still yearn to be with you

so maybe it was the
excessive alcohol or ******* poetry
or maybe the live music
blended together in loneliness
and yearning
or is it the blank statement
against the white wall?

but this confusing as ****

my thoughts were swimming
in beer, nothing more
and at the very back of it
was you sleeping
but subconscious tried to
wake you up
poke you with what ifs
and what nots

i pulled out my phone
and let my loneliness overcome
didn't know it was wrong
like dominoes they all fall
one by one
realization built a spark
as my conscious came apart

tore my heart out the next day
i used the aftermath's blood
to write you an apology
filled with regret and dismay
29 hours after
i used my crafted letters
to sincerly construct
a sorry

but you said to wait,
until the demons go
until you find yourself
at peace whenever
you look at me

and i did. i did wait.
amidst the confusion and regret,
i'm still waiting for you
to rip my walls down
and envelop me in
your arms

but purgatory's version
of a painful torture is
in the mind games,
after all
setting up fires
that can burn you alive

keep in mind
what my mother used
to say about flames,

"don't set yourself
on fire
to keep the others
warm."

The loud shatter of silence
dissipated into space
into time being and now
Consumed by your eyes
or just your lingering presence
/ s i l e n c e /
There's just something about you
that leaves me oh so blue
(blue as the desolate ocean;
  blue as the tranquil skies)
Idled soul like the hands of vanity
Now wrinkled with so much profanity
The stars aligned with your eyes
glimmering with doubt and lust
And still, still, my love
my question remains.

*Why disturb my quiet?

I am quite certain that
the earth isn't flat,
all the roses will wilt,
voices lose their lilt,
reds and yellows will fade,
in time, every shade
and you will never know
when they come and go
but have a little faith
for things can be great
know that a girl like you
can be a treasure too
this friendship is a gift
no one else can lift

the perfect mistake
doesn't come into your life
as an ugly thing

oh darling, it's like
warm fire on a cold winter
heating up your skin

it's like finding this
oasis in the desert
quenching up your thirst

it even comes as
human presence on sadness
candle in the dark

the perfect mistake
never regrets hurting you
and will eat you whole

it's thought-consuming
like a passionate first kiss
creating daydreams

fulfilling wishes
like shooting stars in the sky
or is it your eyes?

comes as a surprise
the kind that leaves you breathless
filling the spaces

the perfect mistake
won't come with horns and tail but
as this boy you like

Gusto kita.
Gusto kita, pero hindi maari
Hindi ka puwede maging parte ng oras ko
Na ika'y ilalagay ko sa unahan
ng mahabang listahan
Ng mga taong mahalaga
Dahil importante ka man sa akin,
Ika'y hindi sapat
Para isakripisyo ko ang lahat
Sapagkat ika'y natatanging gusto lamang.

Gusto kita.
Gusto kita, ngunit hindi ko alam.
Hindi ko maiposisyon ang sarili ko
Sa dami ng panahon, oras, at tao,
Sa halo-halong emosyon at salita,
Sa kinalalagyan at kawalan,
At sa mga napakababaw na dahilan
Sapagkat ako'y natatanging gusto lamang.

Gusto kita.
Gusto kita, subalit ako'y pana-panahon lang,
Nandiyan kapag kailangan mo
Kapag ika'y nalulunkot at nalulumbay
Na parang ang mundo'y kinakalaban
Ang puso **** duwag
Pero tumitigil lumaban kapag
Hindi na kailangan
Sapagkat ako'y natatanging gusto lamang.

bughaw, tulad ng iyong sining
                 sa bawat salita ay nanginginig,
                 natataranta kada tumitindig
                 isipa'y nasa alapaap tuwing
                 awit ng giliw ay naririnig
luntian, tulad ng iyong

i'm still searching for you
in spaces and places
in crevices and in-betweens
making sense of the air that i breathe
and the emotion that i feel

i've always admired
how a blank white wall
looked back into my eyes

how it reflects as
pure, whole, pristine
into my deep dark eyes

how it pulls out
another set of trigger
into my soul

about how it makes
so much sense
my mind is white
blank
plain
dull

until you set
this explosion of colors
with little time-bombs
e v e r y w h e r e

as if these hues
represent
the way we are,

or more importantly,
the way we're not

how these reds
that should indicate
passion
love
lust
***
impulse

but they won't
cover up
the whites

instead they wash away
like water
against these blank walls

as if
your love for me
was never real anyway

as if i was nothing
to be lost
to be thrown away

as if the greens blues oranges
can stay
but you were yellow

you covered up
so much space
so much time

as if it symbolizes
your impact on me

how i cannot forget
this rendezvous we have

once or twice
or just whenever
you feel like

how can you not
forgive me?

i never forgiven myself either.