What do you expect?
For me to sit here and say, “I love you”
When you don’t even do the same.
You don’t treat me like you used to.
So please, I beg of you,
Do Not Hate Me.
Do not hate me when I love someone else.
Do not hate me when I tell them I adore them with all my heart.
Do not hate me when they’re the one I think about constantly.
Do not hate me for falling out of love with you.
I stay because I fear breaking your heart, breaking the promise that I’d love you forever.
You don’t even bat an eye at me,
So forgive me when I love someone who loves me too.

It is so hard to put into words,
All the ways you make me feel.
At times its difficult for me,
to tell which parts of you are real.

What we have means so much to me
and it hurts to never really know,
if im getting all of you,
or just the pieces you choose to show.

Im trying to overcome this doubt,
and regain my trust in you,
but im afraid and I can't forget,
all the hell you put me through.

You swear youve changed this time around,
youre not who you were before,
But ive heard that line and I,
don't want to be hurt anymore.

If you love me like you say,
then show a little respect for me,
All im asking for is the one thing
youve never provided: honesty.

When you left me
My heart imploded and
It felt like I died

But I was still breathing
And each breathe tasted like smoke
From the fire you lit inside me

I loved you and felt more
In my emotions and my body
Than I think I ever will again

The hot mix of love and anger coursed through my veins
While the cold sting of forgiveness and emptiness filled my lungs
And it left me a freezing, burning mess of confusion and contentment

You were awful to me most days
I cried myself to sleep to your silence
But if you were nice the next morning I rejoiced and felt happy again

Now I am rotting inside
Because what I feel for these women
Is not what I felt for you

I feel empty vibrations in the caverns of my chest
I hear depressing gongs in my ears as they tell me they love me
I feel nothing when I say it back

This guilt is a vine that grows throughout my body
It begins in my lungs and steals my breath away
And it forces my limbs to act without emotion

I am cursed with genes that promote impulsivity and high emotionality
And by a past muddied with traumatic events that still hinder my existence
And by my own choices that have led me to hurt so many innocent people
In my quest to find myself

I am so broken and I don't want pity
I just want to understand why
I ruin every good thing that enters my life

Every day I have to maneuver between reality and what's in my head
I cannot determine if what I feel is real or if it's just the result of years of repression
All I know is that my rotting insides are overgrown with vines that keep me moving
Even though I just want to die.

Something happened. I didnt know how to feel. A walk seemed like a good thing to do. I followed the trail. I got angry. Why? It doesnt make sense. But it does make sense. Why? So angry. Clenched fist and uneven breathing. I cant do this. Stop. Breathe. Stop. Sit. Count cars. 25 cars speeding down the freeway. I see them. Do they see me? 50. Calming. Counting. Losing track. 100. They keep coming. Sometimes many all at once. 200. Sometimes sparce and few. 225. All these cars. All these people. So many lives. So many in different situations. So much i dont know. 300. 300 people have just passed me. Its been no longer than 10 minutes and so much experience has just driven by. I may never know their stories. Never to be seen again. Fleeting. Gone. 300 people who dont know me. Dont know my story. 300 people. Some would care. Some are too busy. Sure, some empathetic. Some feeling pity. Walking. Thinking. Numb. Smile at the nice people passing by. People pass and yet the road seems deserted at times. Walking.

There is an end. Though it maybe not quite an end. Things are not the same but thats where you end up.

I turn around and walk back.

if I tie your wrists to the arms of a chair, until your fingers turn purple and muscles tense up for lack of circulation, your limbs incapable of movement, your body no longer under your control, do you think I could match the pain you made me feel when you decided my body belonged to you?
If I lock you in a jail cell, seven feet by two, key between my palms scraping against my flesh, blood dripping from my open tissue because somehow you still hurt me even when you can't touch me, do you think then maybe I could escape from thoughts of you breaking free, able to invade me again?
if I drown your eyes in hydrochloric acid, would the color burn away like the way you stole the color in mine? Like the way you stole the colors from my life?
I can only see in meaningless shades of grey, for the rare moments I actually choose to open my eyes

when you slid your tongue down my torso and bit into my skin with your carnivorous incisors to write your name
when you penetrated my soul with an uninvited spirit to shift mine out of the way
when you decided I was no longer inside of my body, for I had to make room for you
you forgot to bury my mangled corpse and
you left me to the ground to be fed on by the animals with blood on their breath
and I'm running out of meat