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O Dec 2017
It's a drug I cannot quit,
A power I must obtain,
Its something I must take,
And never something I will give,
It consumes me,
It devours.
I cannot breath,
It will not let me free.
Do I fight or let it be?
Please, I promise it's not me.
Control,
I'm breaking,
Or maybe I'm just broken,
Is this why it chose me?
Because I'm so very weak?
I am constantly fighting an internal battle. I'm disliked by many, and others don't really know me. I hate myself for all that I am and sometimes, I really think I'm better off dead.
O Dec 2017
Tired                                        
Dragging           ­             
I just need sleep
                             Desperate
                    Longing
                      Slowl­y I creep
Twisting            
Turning
                       Leaving me
You're gone
I'm lost
I hope I'm dreaming
Forever lost.
O Aug 2017
I am different
Just like you.
I wear my hair up when I read,
I don't hit the right notes when I sing,
I forget to think before I speak,
And I trust no one,
Just like Moulder taught me.

Every time I want to hurt myself,
I cut my hair,
Everytime I want to cry,
Smoke fills the air,
And when I'm desperate to be heard,
I reach out to notebooks that are tear covered.

I'm different, oh I'm different,
Just like everyone else,
I'll blend in to the crowds,
Just to be tripped over.
I don't feel so strong all the time. Life has lost it luster and here I live.
O Sep 2017
It's that feeling that hurts
Way down low,
Deep in the pit of your stomach
And deep in your soul,
That pain, that disgust
That raging ball of hate,
The feeling that you're never good enough
That feeling that never dissipates.
When you've shared your heart
Maybe a bit too much,
And everytime they hurt you,
You feel it right in your guts..
Why do you keep hurting me after I've shared so much?
O Jan 2018
I've got a dark place in my heart.
A place that likes hurt,
A place that accepts abuse,
And in this place I find solace,
I find warmth and confusing joy,
So hit me as hard as you can,
Beat me until I can cry no more,
But never say you'll leave me.
That, I could not endure.
I'm trying to find new coping mechanisms.
O Jun 2019
You tell me I move too fast
I think you're stuck in the past
Wishing I were yours
Yet I'm still sore
Sore from your words
All of your verbal abuse
How could I ever find love for you
When all that is, was
And I've packed my bags for good
You had the chance to stop me
With just one word
Yes.
It's been a while since we talked
And I still dream of you
Funny how you're always grey
In a world full of color.
I just think we had an unrealistic view of who we were as people. Treat your next one right..
O Jun 2018
I feel it in my nerves,
A jolt that goes through me when I see them with others,
A fear that picks the strings of my heart,
Why am I not the one?
I open my heart,
Lay out all of my feelings and hurts,
Just to be swept under the rug again,
Why didn't you choose me?
I get headaches and lie down,
Somehow trying to drown,
I am not this which holds me,
Jealousy.
It's not one of my best writes, but I have to get it out somewhere, and what better place than here. I don't mean to sound like the whole world revolves around me, but it does feel that way when the negativity starts seeping through the cracks. I'm sorry.
O Oct 2017
I look forward to nothing,
Thanks to you.
You promised me the world,
Yet you never came through.
You are all talk and no action. I'm getting really tired of you.
O Dec 2017
Ruins,
I am ruined,
I ruin you and me,
Ruins,
I'm in ruins,
Trusting only me,
Ruins,
I have ruined,
The glue in between,
Ruins,
Oh, I ruin,
Every path that crosses me.
I smoke when I am angry and when I'm sad. I smoke now in a parking lot, thinking of what we had.
O Jun 2018
Things that should be long forgotten.

They roam through the hallways of my mind,
Scratching on doors and knocking on walls,
Trying for attention of any kind,
I rub my temples and put down my head,
I try to focus on lighter thoughts,
But here I am drowning again,
In the confines of my panic box.

(Deep breaths, they say)
Where they chain themselves to stay,
(Count back from ten)
The ghosts of memories sink their claws in.

Things that should be long forgotten,
Yet the world triggers them again and again.
I have never been diagnosed with anything, I would hate to say that I have a condition that I don't. I am scared though, I am very strong willed and feel I have the strength to get through anything, but I do have triggers and people can see it on my face when it happens. I have to leave if it's visual, I have to change subjects if it's verbal. My hands sweat and my body shakes. My heart pounds and my head races. For moments I can't even comprehend whats going on and I immediately go back to the bad place and I start to panic. I try not to inconvenience anyone with my problems but sometimes it's too intense for me to handle. I project how I feel onto the people I say I care about and I just don't think that's fair.
O Jul 2017
****, where has the time gone,
Time from which no man can run,
Memories outdated, used as pawns,
In this game involving everyone.
I gaze upon waters that shine no more,
Gaze with eyes fixed upon your
Fallacies in which I use to fill
Empty holes inside myself.
Remember that you're not forgotten,
These memories and thoughts they drown me,
I'm fighting the current unable to breath,
Transfixed by long lost memories.
I don't cry for help,
Even when I can't breath,
In these waters I share with thee.
"But the thing about remembering is that you don't forget." - Tim O'Brien

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