I am nothing but a broken china doll
Who has been glued back together
With that same, painted on, red-lipstick smile,
Pretending those cracks on my face
Aren't actually there
And that people will just think I'm ugly--
Not that I have been shattered into fragments
And struggled to stay together;
No, I am just ugly, not a survivor,
They'll never see the pain I've felt
And that's okay,
It's better this way,
So I can pretend, as well.

"I can't wait for ten years.
I will finally have my life
Together."
The irony is repulsing
For your life was long together by then,
Because it was long over--
In one month, as a matter of fact,
Of you saying that;
Could you really not wait for ten years
When everyone but a few
Have forgotten you?
You don't cross their minds all the time,
That pain has healed from ****** wound
To infected scab to nasty scar to
A faint little mark
Barely visible
That is fading
More and more
Every
Single
Day,
Just like you.
I remember you, though,
Too clearly
For I was in that car
Lying next to you,
Lying,
Saying "It will be okay,
Help is coming"
And you passed so easily
And I stayed too easily
And your blood that covered me,
It won't wash away,
It's a stain
I see
Every
Single
Day,
Just like you.
Every time I close my eyes,
I remember a car ride one month before the last:
We were so done with school, relationships, part time jobs,
You grabbed my hand as I drove and smiled,
"I can't wait for ten years.
I will finally have my life
Together."
Ten years later,
I'm so sorry.

I wouldn't quite call it love,
I would call it feelings
And to me, that is stronger
For love is just a feeling
But so is my disappointment
And my hope and anger and
Explosive anxiety;
Feelings include my best days
And my worst, the bubbly in
My chest and the butterflies
Bursting throughout my belly;
They include my dreams and fears,
Every thought that passes me,
And you, my friend, bring it all
Out of me, like a siphon.

I feel disappointment when
I don't get to see your face
And I feel hope whenever
You smile and anger whenever
I let my anxiety
Turn my best day for the worse
As I feel butterflies and
Bubbly inside and have dreams
Of us, yet my fears always
Win, but you're still in each thought
That does travel through my mind
Because out of all the feelings,
As I have many feelings,
The strongest feeling I have
Is just love for you, my friend.

I'm so selfish.
I think every time you see me,
You judge me;
Every time I speak,
You judge me;
Every time I laugh too loud,
Stutter, tell a story, or ask a question,
You judge me.

I think you must think of all
The negatives
And judge me
And that's so selfish of me to think.
Why?

Because I never stop to think that maybe
Just maybe
Every time I see you,
I judge you;
Every time you open your lips,
I judge you.
Every smile you share,
Nervous gestures you make,
Or conversations you start,
I judge you.

You probably know this
And you probably think I judge some things,
Maybe many things,
In such a negative light
But I don't.
I never could.

So I am selfish,
Beyond measure,
For thinking that you're thinking
So mean about me
Without thinking about your thinking
When it comes to you.