i long for the body i used to have.
strong and fierce.

obsessing over my weight
and the food i consume
comes far too easily.

can't be mentally stable and healthy,
can't be happy and healthy.

no solution.

they all tell me
i'm soft,
calm,
a peaceful presence,
someone to turn to for comfort,
a shoulder to lean on,
a warm hug,
selfless,
inviting,
deep,
happy,
and so much more that i only get a glimpse of
once in a million moments.

that desperate cry in the night,
so soft nobody noticed.

one for safety,
liberation from nightmares,
freedom from the pain.

crawling out of bed,
only to see the sun decided
not to shine today either.

she knows her Father is out there,
but she can't feel Him there anymore.

she can't feel the hope,
the light shining through the darkness.

a hope she clung to so tightly
just days before,
is nowhere to be seen amongst the agony.

When all energy is drained from my body,
when my bones creak and crack
and my body has no strength;
I put my trust in You.
I trust that You will use me for Your glory.

Father, use me when I don't feel usable.

All you require is my faithfulness and trust,
then you restore me.

Lord, use me when I don't feel usable.

When I'm broken down and life isn't perfect,
use me even then.
When my flaws and scars are evident to all,
use me especially then.

King, use me when I don't feel usable.

When my heart is broken, and I reject you;
even then use me to bring glory to Your kingdom.

Savior, use me when I don't feel usable.

from across the room,
there she is,
still a ray of sunshine.

we run towards each other
and hug so tightly,
our smiles ever so wide.

we drive around,
music playing,
with the sun shining
through the trees.

we walk around and
catch up on a year
of life events.

i realize how much has
changed in our lives,
yet we're still great friends.

we link arms
and share our
memories together,
from so long ago,
yet so clear in our minds.

we talk about the future
and put each other in it,
knowing or hoping
we'll always be friends.

this loneliness overwhelms me,
it took hold of my heart
and won't let go.

its not the kind that can
be cured with a
touch of a friend.

its the kind that fills
you with cold
every time someone
reaches out.

its the kind you
can't imagine living without.
its the kind that
you fear will never leave.
its the kind
you don't know
how to cure.

still, you live your life,
you put on a smile
and lie,
as the loneliness slowly
swallows you whole.

like a tsunami,
it all hits me so hard.

so much to do,
but no motivation.

so alone,
yet I see faces every day.

i'm stuck in a tsunami,
with no way out.

pulls me further,
pulls me deeper.

how did i get in?
how do i get out?