Nobody loves her best and that’s okay
Because her car drives faster than they can run
And her sweater is big enough and her hair is tangled
Like she just rolled out of bed
But bed isn’t home
Not anymore
Bed is anywhere she can close her eyes for more than a second at a time
Home is the structure built inside of her chest
Not quite a human with a human’s anatomy anymore
The bones are twisted the wrong way
Scraps of the past caught in the joints
Wrapped up tight like a flag in the wind of a tornado
And that’s all she’s becoming
But it’s still hard to breathe
And she would trade it all,
Trust me,
She would trade it all
Give up the speed
Give up the power
Give up the ability to knock them down and make them wander around in the dark
For the chance to open a front door
And not fear what’s on the inside.
Fear doesn’t truly move her
Fear actually locks her knees and freezes her lips
But a moving target is hard to hit
So she’s trained herself to run
And she’s going to keep going, screaming all the way
Take me back
Take me back
Oh god, bring me home.

I gave you my summer;
Sea salt stung my aching knuckles
And the salt from your skin burned the cracks in my lips.
I gave you tea candle nights;
Firefly and Arnold Palmer
Topped with bug spray and dusted with chlorine
Rolling over and over until I felt sick
With your taste in my mouth and your heartbeat in my head.
I gave you my will to breathe that night
And with every shot I took, you took more.
I gave you the days of cold breezes and warm afternoons;
When the sunset burned like fire
And I needed your hands to keep mine warm.
Pumpkin on my tongue
Lattes and ale
And a long drive to the apple trees
Where we got lost for hours, you and me.
I gave you my shoulder and my shade
I gave you my light heart and carried your weight.
I gave you the light I needed to see
And for those next few months, I was blind.
I gave you my stumbling legs and frozen fingers
Wrapped in a down blanket on a queen size bed
I gave you every inch of my skin and touched every inch of yours,
All alone here on the floor
but still, I was empty.
With no blood in my veins
and no heart in my chest.
Vacated and lost
A beggar girl whose lost eyes you despise
Whose heart is wilting beside yours
Who calls for nameless people in the middle of the night,
While you lay beside her losing sleep.

We walk around blocks

We walk around corners

We walk around and around
and I don't think we'll ever stop

Because if I were to pause for just one second

I might fall apart

and you'd see the pieces sliding off my face
fingertips falling away to bone
my muscles frantically screaming, trying to move
but the deed would be done and I'd just be your mess on this stranger's sidewalk.
the face you watched grow in your likeness now unrecognizable
the mess left behind after New Year's Eve
the minute after midnight when everyone is still too busy cheering to notice
but you'll see it
because you raised me and now I'm falling
and you can't save me
you can't save me anymore.
And you won't even want to try.

I am your baby girl, not a disgrace
not a failure that you can't even claim as your own
Mommy, can I come home?
Curl up in your chest next to the family I've gotten to know so well,
made a home in your rib cage that I can't ever quite leave.
are you even aching now that I'm gone or was my space that easy to fill?
because I'm sitting here broken and empty and her arms are around me
and it's a sad excuse for a hug but it's all I have
because you left me out
you cut me off
and it's cold out here.
Mommy, can I come home?

When you feel sunshine in your mind or rain in your bones
When you feel hatred in your bloodstream or love stab your heart
I will be there to assure you that it's real
and okay
and good or bad it'll pass
So either hang on tight or let it go
Ride the wave to the other side and if you crash
I will be the hand that pulls you out,
the sand is dry just a few feet away
and I will lead you back to solid ground

Don't you think it's a little early for a breakdown?
Holed away in your basement bedroom
Lying about your mental age
And downing bottle after bottle,
Stolen from your parents' fridge.
Isn't this a bit too much?
And a bit too late?
It's been three weeks and you're choosing to feel it now?
Pick up that shovel and head outside,
We have work to do.

I'd rather stink like a cigarette
than smell your skin lingering on mine.
I prefer the nicotine rush
to the surge in my blood when your lips touch mine.
I'd rather hear the click of my lighter
than the hiss and explosion of the Fourth of July
An ashen glow of smokey tobacco lights my way
And I'd rather put trust in this fading fire than
put my trust in the pounding of my chest
and the sparklers in my eyes
Because there's always one more pack
at yet another corner store
But, my love,
there's only one of you
and you're fading so fast
And without my addiction, how can I last?

you spread your love across state lines

and i'm sitting here crumbling under the pressure of my names

and i'm wondering how you could spread yourself so thin

and still be whole

when i'm having a hard time just walking out of my bedroom door

and seeing my bloodlines splashed across

this 60 by 100 lot

but you were willing to cross those lines

and share so much of yourself

and i'm still afraid of carving into my own skin

for myself

to see what's inside

for fear of someone finding out and wanting it for themselves

all those gardens inside of me left to grow in someone else's hands

helpless while i watch myself **** over

overgrown

underfed

give me love,

but here you are

opening your gates and letting the floods through

what happens when the garden of Eden gets washed away?

all of the topsoil washing out to sea

roots worn out, removed by gentle hands

one by one

open season in your chest

until you were emptied

and there was no more garden for you to grow.

and i just kept building my walls too high

but one day i looked over because i heard your screams

and i saw you and your broken stems

soiled petals and trampled earth

so i opened the door

intending for you to stay just for a minute

for the taking of tea

or a glass of wine

but look at you now, growing like a vine

on the wall of my secret garden.