this is not the path I wanted to go
this is not how I wanted us to grow
I’ve been down this path once before to know
this is the feeling of tumbling down a rabbit hole
what have I done
or rather, what have I let happen
I said I wanted us to stay pure please
please don’t push me down the rabbit hole I said
you don’t know how hard it was for me
to find my way out the first time
and you don’t know I haven’t been home since
haven’t smoothened out creases in this rumpled white dress
haven’t found how removing these stains work
and yet, here I am, again
you know, mud stains on this white lace seem fitting
you took my hand and led me down the aisle
an aisle I knew I’d walked before
I recognised the rotting leaves
the trees that seemed to wail “you should leave”
I knew soon we would arrive at the rabbit hole
I never pushed you away, only said please
white rabbit,
I should’ve known you were the white rabbit
entranced by pocket watches only counting hours
ticking off seconds and watching time closely
this is the hour you will take me by the hand
this is the minute I fall for you
this is the split second before I say “I do”
white dress, you chose this for me, white rabbit
just to see at the altar how I would look in white but sullied
“I still can’t believe how you look next to me,
just like a ******* bedroom scene”
we used to be so decent
mud stains, creases, the only things sincere about me right now
white rabbit, you knew the exact moment I would fall
down the rabbit hole
again

sometimes hearsay isn't enough
I'm digging, digging,
oh, just raking up the flower bed

you have a sweet face
open yet so guarded
what secrets do you hide behind cherry lips?
you will share them with me over cake and cold tea
you will not take them to your grave, it's impolite

pray tell, what brings you here
and who gave you secrets
speak, those lips aren't just for the painting
why so silent, lady? silence is impolite
I said, you will share your secrets with me
I've already prepared cake and tea and a soft bed for you
(is it normal to be so angry)

the tea is cold, I apologize
you see, we have no warmth in these parts
you're new here, so you have to learn quickly
secrets are our currency

you have lips like a flower, quite dainty
(flowers also die easily)
don't make me pluck the petals, one by one
woman, deflowered
you will share your secrets, one by one

yes of course, I will send the painting to your husband back home

I walk out onto the veranda
in the living room, the butler picks up cherry-red petals and stores them in a jar
I see the flower bed in the distance (at least what's left of it)
I did my best digging it up, I believe it makes a soft bed
I told you, she will not take her secrets to her grave

fret not, woman, oblivion is not an issue
I will see you in flower beds, and in portraits of guarded smiles
your family will remember you in the painting I sold to a museum instead

woman, portrait
you're no longer a mystery
thanks for sharing your secrets over cake and cold tea

little little carmen
so immodest without a care
dancing with that red dress on
and singing awful songs

little little carmen
flitting back and forth
so girlish in the midst of boys
so manly among girls

little little carmen
you're so quick to fill your head
with nasty jokes and ***** thoughts
I wish you'd show a little shame

little little carmen
don't say a single word
they'll tell you you have issues
and to "keep those ****** legs closed"

little little carmen
you are the best-est of them all
I loved you for how crude you were
how you brought me ungodly thrills

little little carmen
tell me what it is you want
you are the best, yes I adore
my blood red, snow white *****

little little carmen
all wrapped up in her head
got them wrapped around her finger
but she had never felt more dread

little little carmen
you're so full of life and worldly light
I never knew why you reeked of death
while you made love to the devil every night

lovely lovely carmen
never spoke of light at the end of the tunnel
you were always hovering there
I'll throw your ashes into the air

lovely lovely carmen
I learned this dance from you
your ashes look like blackened snow
as sullied as you were

lovely lovely carmen
I've memorized your song
I'll sing this tune as loud as you
they whisper *carmen never dies

I remember
when I found out
I was
“****”
or something
and there was only
the jolt
and horror
a bit of a trauma
as I trudge, I find
I took one step forward
and two steps back
I was never careful where I trod
over time, I find
we take on
the roles we were assigned
I do not know
when the name took root
I only know
I used to be less crude
as I trudge, I find
things cheapen
over time,
we fill
the shoes we were given

my fighter, did anyone tell you
you have a penchant for taming things
be it weapon or woman
or animal
I am your pet
but strange how you never thought of me as that
I know you wanted to put a collar on me
but held back
you are gentle, sweet-tempered with pets
the only part of you I identify with
is the savage you in battle
observation of hands
can’t think about your hands for too long
or I start getting goosebumps
all the weapons you’ve embraced
all the women intimate with your skin
did you notice I changed my earrings
after you said studs would flatter me well
for a while I wanted to please you
then I faltered, feared and fled
my soldier, did anyone tell you
my mind was enthralled by you
but my heart forever wavered
always wondered of the danger you posed
and whether I had the capacity to commit
for being fond of me
you were a tragedy
to the world you were just a martyr
for me you were tragic romantic
you asked me why I could never look you in the eye
I’d been meaning to ask
what did you see in me
and why did you take me in
I could never be sure
if your affection was founded only on pity
I’ll admit I feared you
because I could never comprehend
how you thought about me
or what it was you wanted
you looked at my apprehension, said
“it’s okay I’ll wait”
instead I waited
to see if there would come a moment
of sudden “oh she’s not the one”
if I could see into your mind
perhaps I could have helped you untangle
the mess you felt for me
my warrior
fighting to the death for many things
I will never turn to you
like flower face to sun
I will never run to you
like tamed canine runs to man
when they ask me I will tell them
when you stroked me you were gentle
but so magnificent in your rage

take me to bars we’ll try that ginger beer you told me about
in return I’ll introduce you to the softest corners of my mind
buy me a ticket to that R21 show about that man and the lady
in return I’ll tell you stories of how my life has been and lessons learnt
walk me to your car and we’ll go on late-night drives
in return I’ll be your companion and keeper of secrets
you lean over and fasten my seatbelt
finally found someone to be an older brother figure
then I remember
the last time I said someone was like a brother to me
and how that ended
I’m smiling so hard right now
at crude jokes and glow-in-the-dark bikinis
tonight you dream of you and me
in the club and you in the bikini
me with a moustache
promoting glow-in-the-dark bikinis and hair removing cream
your dream ends here and mine picks it up
so we’re in the club
you in the luminous bikini and me with the moustache
and it’s all fun and games until I lost you in the crowd
I wept and I wept
you see I’m so quick to fall on sadness
and so quick to call your name
then I remembered you were glowing in the dark
so I found my way back to you again
“hold on to my shirt ***** don’t get lost again”
I like you this night
it’s a stay up late with me kind of night
laughing at your silly stories kind of night
cats mating
and no caffeine boost kind of night
when someone takes you away
I will try and laugh it off
the same laugh
with which I respond to you calling me funny
I’m not funny
I’m only funny when you make me funny
hey, what’s she doing here
now we’re doing that cliche thing like in the movies
hey, don’t hold his hand if you’re just friends
please
please don’t leave
when you are taken away
I will try to gently let go of your shirt
you are one foot ahead and I have one foot in the grave
when we head into crowded places
tell me to wear the glow-in-the-dark bikini under my clothes
so you don’t lose me in the dark

I don’t care you know, just make me up
but I suppose if I don’t do basic character designing first, you’d have nothing substantial to play with
opened the character settings page then gave up
oh well you can just fantasize about this hollow husk
just physical, for starters
I’d still be honoured
you ask me how I’m doing
I laugh so loud the ceiling shakes and neighbours come out of their houses
I started losing my footing since I stepped into this hellhole
you know, my vision is blurred
just take advantage of me
I won’t even retaliate I might even play along
hey, the me from pre-quicksand
I miss you please come home
this house is something like a hollow husk
I can’t see clearly anymore
I should probably get some glasses
even then I’d still let them play with me
I always levelled up my combat but neglected other skills for self-preservation
cooking, crafting, farming, hunting, etc.
is the person in the mirror the same as the person in the photos
****** doppelgängers
I’m quite the expert at investing in things I shouldn’t
and subtly letting people down
hey, the me from pre-quicksand
I think you should come home so I feel more myself
so maybe I can once again be kind(er)
and a little more wise
to see with unclouded eyes
and stop wandering off unarmed into the great unknown
when you’re back, pass me the ****** glasses
hey, idiot in the quicksand
can you at least try to ask for help
instead of struggling there like a *****
you’re sinking deeper
so I’m hollering and screaming at the top of my lungs
frightened faces peer out from windows opposite
forget it I’ll make a home of the quicksand
when I was still in control of the game
I should’ve trained some skill to get me out of this *******
or at least deal with it better
because now someone else is playing me
to some stranger I passed the reins, saying
“I don’t care you know, just make me up”
I’m in chin-deep
just launch me into battle without ammunition
I’ll simply die, then respawn, then die, then respawn, then die, then respawn
again
and again
oh well I guess this isn’t so bad
by the time the me from pre-quicksand comes back
there might not be a need for her anymore
nor for ******* glasses

we are back to ten
preteen novelties, bralettes, tents

you meditating, holy book in hand
quiet scribbles, I pen something for you
a meditation on how the light falls
so strikingly on your face

ink bleeds through the page
you are in so many of my dreams
knight in shining armour
rumpelstiltskin twirling, spinning gold

I hear you say “she’s so deranged I’ll take her”
I smile and look away
something fragile flutters
I catch myself blushing

this moment blossoms
into a hundred more bad poems

each morning it dawns on me I am not that fragment of myself I was the previous morning
rebrand and reveal, rebrand and reveal, fall in love with every character I play
I am always murdering and resurrecting every facet of myself
an endless and repetitive series of seeking the light, being the light and rejecting the light
forever I remain The Obscure And Terrifying Great Unknown
nobody recognizes me. little parts of myself keep falling away like this
in helping people forget me, I am always both safe and at risk of vanishing
now watch me materialize into everything you ever wished for, now watch me flake and disappear
this life is but a massive game of Now You See Me Now You Don’t and nobody can ever win
read about Alice in Wonderland shrinking and growing, changing and morphing
read it ten times in my childhood before I realized I am the girl called Alice
if The Looking Glass was a glass prism, I am a ray of white light
I step into the glass only to shatter into seven different people
I am not that fraction of myself you first encountered
when you first glimpsed me glowing, I was only the moon reflecting the light of something else
if anyone tells you it’s not possible to be four-and-a-half people in a day, they are wrong.
can you remember what it’s like to not be losing yourself?
please tell me
I always wonder what it would be like to observe me in a magnificent divergence.

my dear
lying cold
lucifer shot a bullet in your head
in your skull it laid embed
la petite mort—
the little death,
or so it's called
you are as cold as marble
but wait, are you shivering from the cold
or are you trembling with shame
mona lisa,
pleased to please ya
I want to die I want to die
how I'd love to take apart
the shattered fragments of your skull
to rearrange the pieces
—as a kid I loved puzzles—
and maybe piece you together purer
oh look, darling
the sun is rising
for the millionth time, the little death
but you're still breathing
oh darling
morning brings a new terror
perhaps in the morning you'll die again

I solemnly swear
I say things I don’t mean
and curse at everything
stuttering around in heels I used to wear
fakely excited at every **** thing
like I have to fill every awkward gaping hole
everybody knows
who is right and who is wrong?
I stopped asking a long time ago
where I am in the distance
I hear only loud noises I feel nothing
I will not come out of my shell
funny how I say it like I have a choice
girl, you’re so out there yet so withdrawn
I solemnly swear
days collide into one another and I don’t lift a finger
I’ve been having dreams
where I throw people overboard just to save myself
waiting for them to drown before crying
“man overboard!”
how do I tell you that there are parts of me that rot and keep rotting
do I tell you I didn’t call the ambulance
I shouldn’t tell you I set the house on fire
wake up every mourning and solemnly swear
my condition started improving from the day you left
I’ve only been getting saner and saner
but even so, not much more myself
I should have more regard for life in general
I was not raised this way
walking the streets only half-awake
can I please live half-asleep
my mind didn’t use to be this blank
what is right and what is wrong?
I ceased wondering a long time ago
has it been two months or two years since?
I told you where I am time does not flow in a linearly fashion
I solemnly swear
the world should just revolve around me
while I judge you so hard
get below me
I am so awful just kidding
is it the time to be serious or immature
I give up just kidding
you wanna play the pretending game
two can play at that game
right hand up
look serious now girl, you can laugh later
yeah right hand up but not too high
palm facing out, say the stupid line
I ****
“I solemnly swear I am decent”

I eat anger for breakfast and pride for lunch
the same way you would not throw sticks at a bear
please do not provoke me
I have a low tolerance threshold
I know I carry myself half-asleep
and haven’t given you much to praise
please do not belittle me
I admit I have no case to defend
I know I am but please do not tell me
I am a disgrace to any cause, or to anybody
at the moment I would not like to make conversation
the way I am conversation only begets damnation
I would not like them to see me swathed in wrath
unfortunately
sometimes the anger goes outwards
sometimes the anger goes inwards
I do not know what it is that drives it out or in
when I go
just let me go
you will not have peace if I stay
everyday something is born and something perishes
I feel my anger swelling
I will continue to swim into its sea

oh, woe is me
forgot to water my cacti for five months
and accidentally left all my sentences hanging
I can’t stop drawing smiley faces with noses
and making rude jokes and laughing at them
my pet turtle is dying
came home and sat by him for a long while
his eyes are swollen and his shell peels
and still he tries to stay alive
I quietly watched him struggle to breathe
then proceeded to accomplish nothing
the sun says “ha, loser” as it goes down
the moon fades in on cue,
looks at me and tells me “get yourself together”
my mother prays about me every night
my father rebukes me every morning
I’m sorry I can’t be more useful
or bring more glory
lol did I just pretend to be upset because
I felt that that would be the correct (expected?) reaction
like I’m supposed to feel some remorse
to be indifferent, or not to be indifferent
that is the question
the sun is setting just for me
I can give up too
is it possible to give up if I never tried
did I try
I lay in bed and pretend to sleep
I’m sleeping so I don’t have to face anything
what do you mean put in effort
what kind and how much effort do you consider effort
dragging my body out from under the sheets in itself is trying
making myself some coffee to stay up at night is trying
gathering my books into a neat stack on a table is trying
oh, but you know, I can’t say I actually tried
I don’t want to talk until I’ve cleared my head
not like there’s anything up here anyways
God please grant me an ounce of common sense
while struggling with myself, I think of the smiley face with the nose
I’m guessing that’s the kind of expression I should be making about now
I should stop treating life like a bad joke
but I have yet to find something that makes me cringe that badly
or facepalm myself that hard
occasionally the universe tells a good joke
I slap my knee like a great grand pappy and laugh nonstop
sometimes it is annoying and meaningless
I sit in the shower for an hour nonstop
obligations glare at me harder
“go away I’m naked”
“so not only are you a failure, you are a naked failure”
I slap my knee and laugh nonstop
that was an example of one of life’s good jokes
I get out of the shower and into the bed
again I pretend to die
vaguely I recall
the other day stepping out the shower all I remember is
please forgive me please forgive me
three words tripping over themselves and mind reeling
watch out, shitstorm approaching
by habit, I panic
see the correct response is to climb out from under the sheets, make a coffee and arrange my books in order
don’t forget to look really anxious
I spend most of my life huddled with knees drawn up against my chest
praying for storms to pass and wars to end
7pm the sun will tell me again “can you not be pathetic”
and the moon will fade in on cue, saying
“you’re still all over the place”

grey night tugs at a sliver of light
nightly I decay and my innards cry
faithful eyelids shut and screen
Deflowerment — sold out, night and day
I am star of the show, I am prima donna
lifeless first lady of the stage
I am a tired flower, one that has bloomed too many times
passionless, devoid
almost anti-climatic
like sad fistfuls of grass or something milked dry
I crawl toward The Little Death
yearning only to be ensconced wholly in a white Void

I take the long way home
novelty keeps wearing off
I am so tired
strange, I thought I was always conserving energy by
being asleep twenty-four-seven
days keep colliding into one another
I get lost
and fall and fall
mostly it is overwhelming and then
sometimes it is underwhelming
every minute (or every second?)
very “what is going on”
another “if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” crisis
carpe diem
seize the day
come on, seize the day
my aunt told me bad children have awful curly hair
I would know
someone call the senior pastor
good riddance gracia
gracia just be constant
can you stay in one form
just one form at a time
people shake their heads
I am looking but not seeing
hearing but not listening
all the time, I say all the time
my mind flickers then fails
I fail to draw the line
I don’t have a ruler so the line wavers
the line doesn’t deserve to be drawn
here just take the pencil
I’ll hold on to the eraser
just to erase every ****** mistake
and maybe myself
we have no ruler
with shaky hands
draw the crooked line
it looks like the road I often travel

I am the child whom Jesus loves,
So undeserving and yet so graced.
Jesus the Lamb cried God our Father
As blood was spilled for sinning souls.
Oh, to gaze upon Him as Saviour, lover!
Praise Him from whom all blessings flow.
His shame for my salvation, His life for mine,
By grace I have been saved.
Father, Son and Holy Ghost
Once I was crossed but blessed tenfold
One hundred and twenty percent, I'm told
—One hundred twenty percent and more
****** slain lamb, my trespass offering
By blood I have been blessed.
Jehovah Jireh, Provider, Yahweh!
Forever and ever,
Amen and amen.

zzz...
me dozing, or the buzz of human interaction
she tends to her cacti
he heads out the front door into a new day
birds are talking to one another
circling overhead, fantasies
or a memory of crossing a busy street with you
I stir my coffee and it splashes out
printing stains on a patterned tablecloth that vaguely resembles winding roads, street maps
between adoration and lust
I choose obsession
sometimes I think I see your face in passing windows
or behind the steering wheel
of a speeding car uncertain where it's headed
between tenderness and bitterness
I choose anger
they enjoy asking me what it was like
thing is, I wasn't in the backseat of the car when it happened
nevertheless, I tell them:
it's the feeling when you have somewhere to be at eight a.m. and you wake up at ten
it's heading out the door, then remembering something you forgot and having to go back inside
it's breaking into a run to catch a bus
and the bus leaves
between reason and madness
I choose risk
it's replaying scenes on a broken record
of that day you perished in traffic
as I sat behind the steering wheel in an SUV
uncertain where I was headed

it’s hard to be afraid when I am with you
“and to you, darling, to you, when I am with you.”
it’s been good, and also a new kind of rough
baby, I like it rough
until the distance between us took me
shook me
violently by the shoulders
at this point I have all the love I ever needed
is this real life
and where is the fear
they have so much to say, like
it wasn’t meant to be, or,
I’m an easy girl, and too innocent
for dangerous things
hold up, I’m the youngest in the game
but no less aware
they have so much to say, but only I know, I know
at this point I realize I no longer give two ***** to modesty
would you believe me if I said I know what I’m doing?
what am I doing
please don’t let go
I haven’t gotten better at being myself
I have gotten even better
at saying things I don’t mean
at shapeshifting
at getting lost, and falling, falling
I am always
always
chasing a kind of feeling
this time, will it be electrifying?
please don’t say I’m slipping away
please trust me
I really want to
I’m so sorry
what makes you feel like you can take on the world,
hold on to it
hold on
please don’t let go
hold me
let go
I adore you
I do, darling, I do

we will always say we are not ready
for fight, for flight, or for anything
wanna feel “it can’t get any worse than this”
wanna feel risk and adrenaline but make it out alive
civilians fleeing for their lives
the world is small and bodies get weary
there is only so far you can run and so long before your body gives
not to mention your mind
when minds go, people break
life has a limit; when it is time, we go
is time supposed to flow linearly
I continue being flippant
when it comes down to it, some will lash out at me
some will feed me medicine
and some will shake their head and leave me to the wolves
I play with my beads and taste the air
not yet, it’s not time yet
haha
lately I’ve been contemplating the reason why I’m not willing to commit to colour
I think for people like me, when we try to assign ourselves to a hue,
we end up more colourless
somehow
I see three different places when I know it’s one
an hour feels like a day and
a month feels like an hour
sit tight and buckle up
we’re catapulting headfirst into the last hour
did anyone tell you
it’s a dangerously fine line between fight and flight
literally
shall I fight or shall I take flight
we take cover in shades of grey because the less colourful we are
the less we stand out
the less aggressively we are pursued
in the end we are still defined by our lack of colour
as I type, people murdered because they are branded by colours
or lack thereof
I don’t enjoy thinking about it
I pull at the grass and observe cloud movement
not yet, it’s not time yet
yay
there are arrivals, and then there are departures
when they arrive, they arrive here where people are
when they depart, nobody knows for sure where they go
maybe there are many destinations
like hell and heaven are just two of many
maybeeee
I hope we all just perish into a void
chugga chugga choo choo
on my way to departure
one day we’ll be at death’s door knocking
“little pig, little pig, let me in!”
or attempting to smash the door in
“or I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in”
as some people already are doing at this age
what if we broke in hoping for the void
but instead landed ourselves in hell
“thanks for nothing” “thought this was gonna be good” ” ugh”
I return to pondering petty problems
like rice weevils in my rice
choo choo
“We have arrived at Death’s Door. The fate transfer is about to commence. Please do not miss the transfer if you wish to come aboard.”
if this were a book, I’d be the character who fears death
and funds research for life-extension or immortality
just that I’m kind of broke
if only I could—
snip snip
cut a bit off someone’s life and paste it on the tail-end of mine
haha
when it’s my time to go,
I will say I’m not ready
as I have been saying every other day of my life

head bowed and knitted brows
I can’t lift my eyes off of the ground
what was it you said the last time,
about “chin up, God’s face is there in the clouds
look for the silver lining, it’s in every cloud”

I’m sorry I can’t do it

named my fear Abel and my wrath, Cain
named my pride Jordan and my lust, Jezebel
“don’t name them,” I was cautioned, “you’ll get attached to them”
I don’t think I will see you again
I am an avid sinner
and you, a man after God’s heart
I would say congratulations on making it to heaven
but I’d much prefer it if you were here

my account:
I think I heard Him calling as I fell through the cracks
but whether it was Him or my imagination,
I couldn’t be sure
in times of despair we often hallucinate of hope
thought I saw a hand reaching
but was it dragging me or lifting?

your account:
I remember watching as she fell through the cracks
and He called her name softly,
coaxing her gently back home
I saw His hand reaching,
swiftly breaking her fall
but she thought it was attacking
and so she fled

I wonder what it’s like to show up at the pearly gates
hopeful heart and bated breath
or downcast eyes and wringing of hands
I’ll come before the pearly gates only to be turned away
as Saint Peter flips through the Book of Life and shakes his head
sighing at the sad vacancy where my name used to be
my dear, I don’t think I will see you again
please tell God I thank Him for calling my name
and extending a hand to break my fall

tell Him I’m sorry I ****** away

Abel and Jordan, they are my friends
Jezebel and Cain, my partners-in-crime
the bond was forged as soon as I named them
and I found myself growing to fall back on them
they lived with me here on tangible earth
while it felt to me like God lived only in the clouds
needless to say, I grew closer to sin than salvation
what can I say, they are what is familiar

you told me there’s a silver lining to every cloud
I didn’t tell you
when once in my rage I ripped it to shreds, discovered:
the silver lining in my cloud
was a sliver of tin foil and nothing more

old themes, the uttering of half-dreams;
to have: lust as the fruit, or love as the bird
been thinking about prayers and how they don’t work
you are my favourite player,
you are my one and only
not really
I would sing you lullabies but you don’t like my voice,
I would bring you flowers but flowers only remind you of funerals.
I keep wanting to reinvent myself
then end up with too many versions
game plan, what’s my game plan
does there have to be a reason for everything?
do I have to explain why I gave my queen up
or why my engine can never start
later, later,
wanted to be some kind of electrifying
no ***** given, that sparks burn out
I’m not in a good place
I hate this place
here they stifle me everyday to save me
like I wasn’t already doomed from the start
got your gun cocked to my head
I’ve got my knife pressed to your throat
deadlock stalemate
wanna bet which one is faster
no regard whatsoever for consequences and responsibility just
living speed and risk and trauma
got me hook line and sinker
got you wrapped around my finger
thank you thank you thank you
of all the pieces on the board you’re my favourite pawn
*not really

woke this morning on the wrong side of bed
or was it somebody else's bed altogether
the birds were screaming and I felt like shrivelling
why is it that mornings either bring dread or fresh terror
I'm angry at more things yet again
I'm not sure I mean to slam these doors or glare
do I feel like stringing words or writing music
why is it that human speech sets me on edge
the heart is in actuality quite small
(the size of my clenched fist before I drive it into the wall)
we set up mirrors around the perimeters of its insides
to make it look larger, encompassing and more roomy
did you say symmetry or did you say cemetery
not sure if I wasn't listening, or you weren't clear
isn't speech meant to be understood

went to sleep on the wrong side of bed
or was it somebody else's bed altogether
you were humming and I was daydreaming, listening
the only thing in my head "what am I doing"
do you feel like sexting or do you feel like sleeping
I like it better when you call me "pretty" and not "beautiful"
I fail to comprehend strings of words flying out your lips
but when you touch me I understand
we hold our false large hearts in beaten chests
(the redness of skin tearing as I claw at flesh)
we play around with foolish words
and when dawn breaks we dress sore clawed backs
fading in, fading out
trying our hardest just to recall how to look clean
our sweetness lies only in the night
and steadily, bitterness comes every morning

i feel for you a tender feeling
i wish i could crush inside my palm
          to have and to hold,
not even a baby bird is so fragile
                  from this day forward,
cradled in shaking cupped hands
not yet, not yet
i repress the urge to smother,
                       for better, for worse,
fix my gaze as it starts to scream, contort
into the thing i wait, poised, to ****
            for richer, for poorer,
used to wait for the day i could proclaim
                   in sickness and in health,
with every conviction and fibre of my being
that it is real and it is good
          to love and to cherish
not anymore, i think
inhibition mechanism, top-notch
i file my nails and sharpen my teeth
hold my breath and count back from ten
once this ends
     till death do us part
i go in for the ****

do flowers bloom for us to ****** or do we ****** flowers because they bloom
is it logical to ask this way
I sense this is the day
to stroke your hair or to kiss your hand
to trust you or to be shrewd
recurring flashbacks to all the times you spoke of valour
and how I loved you as you spoke
do you fancy me or do you pity me
romance won’t last long on sympathy
you know that resolve you’re clinging on to, looks an awful lot like dread
this morning you’re struggling between affection and integrity
did you put her on happy drugs or will you send her to therapy
you can’t be the fugitive and the police
do I need a brother OR DO I WANT A LOVER
PURE ******* OR DADDY ISSUES
to fight for you OR TO FIGHT YOU
ARE YOU SAFE FOR ME OR ARE YOU NOT
TELL ME
DID YOU LEAVE BECAUSE I CHANGED or were you drawn to justice and fair play
SHOULD WE GO ALL OUT or should we draw the line
DID YOU TURN ME IN or am I thinking too much
SENSED FEAR IN YOUR VOICE OR WAS IT IN MINE
HEARD YOU SCREAMING OR WAS IT ME
CAN I STILL SEEK REDEMPTION IF I FIRE THIS SHOT
CRIGGER FINGER
I KNOW I PULLED THE TRIGGER ON YOU
BECAUSE I HEARD YOUR SKULL BREAK
I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE CONTROLLED THE TREMBLING OF MY HAND IT WAS IN SELF-DEFENSE I PROMISE
I SWEAR THAT BULLET WASN’T MEANT FOR YOU— AND THE MIRRORS, I DON’T RECALL THEM CRACKING
I ONCE WAS FOUND BUT NOW AM LOST
COULD SEE BUT NOW AM BLIND
I USED TO SIT AT THE RIGHT HAND OF PEACE
SO CALM AT THE FEET OF LADY LUCK
UNWAVERING IN THE FACE OF MORTAL DANGER
AND UNFALTERING EYE-TO-EYE WITH FEAR
I SAY, FOR SWEET BLOOD THE WORLD CRIED
AND EVERYBODY LOVED YOU AS YOU DIED
after the burial did I stay for crimes I had to pay
or did I steal myself away

it ends, like a soft sigh
for pleasures shared
and could-have-beens
may have forgotten to tell him:
it was dazzling while it lasted
but cold light sometimes,
he brought me shivers and darkness
made me scratch my skin shouting
WHO AM I
did he know? just who he was falling for?
said he had something to tell me
I knew ****** well what it was
I coaxed it out of him, confession time! “I love you.”
yes! he took the bait,
hook, line, and sinker
thank you thank you thank you
no regard whatsoever, for consequences and my responsibility, just,
wanted something to feed my own ego,
I’ve got quite a palate for thrill and trauma
another one down, thanks for adding to my collection
of trampled feelings and extracted confessions
it ends, with a soft sigh
of a man quite broken,
and a girl’s sated ego

I am smothered
in love that was never mine for the taking
I want to give
love
and to take it, also
to make it
if you get what I mean
what goes up
must come down
we revel
in something that resembles
an ocean
name it “love” and say
our love is deeper than
the ocean
drowning
in ocean depths
or suffocating in the
sheets?
when the sea dries up it leaves
sick, sticky,
saccharine
residue
love perceived and
love in the light

I really hate all the things you brought with you, they
push me into dark corners

stage one

you had a certain appreciation for artistic pieces
and a flair for crafting blue-black beauties
you looked at me and saw a blemished canvas
you said, "ah, potential for abstract art"

"thanks. let's take it slow"
so you led me by the hand
and laid flitting kisses
marking spots your fingers next would brush

stage two

blues too jarring and too much black
you created art you didn't understand
you threw a sheet over me
"cover yourself. you're a fright"
and with trembling hands
dragged out a fresh unblemished canvas

you were too afraid to breathe and I was too ashamed to speak
now it's all too unforgiving to think about your hands
you can't bring yourself to touch me and
I can't look you in the eye

you carried on with your masterpieces
while I stayed hidden under that sheet
I've heard it said
nobody likes to look at their mistakes

stage three*

I don't see him anymore

I think about how we smothered the best of us in apprehension, heat, regrets
and if I had to speak to him again I'd feel the same shame

never thinking, acting by instinct
like wild animals on a summer evening
it was an exciting picture
its undoing was it had little meaning

and now we carry our shame in different ways
he carves crosses into his veins,
I bury bruises he carefully laid

if looks could ****, Kiryuin
you would be a blinding death
the kind where you don’t even know what hit you
wish I could tell you you are dazzling
some electrifying, superhuman-or-hell’s-worst-demon kind of dazzling
there are no chinks in your armour
I was born not to be leader but to be your warrior
you have subdued me, you have my reverence
to be one of four fighters I am due
to follow you
to fight for you
to gladly spend my days in your shadow
my lady of diamond, it is my honour
you have the most exquisite expressions
so unshakeable and so unimpressed
so sadistic and yet,
so compassionate
goddess of war and bride to power
Kiryuin, indestructible
you take my breath away
you have my allegiance
you have my life, the best of me
my queen
we stand with you
ride the winds and triumph forth
look death in the face and laugh

you know things about me that unsettle you
you've seen me in pitiful states and in proud ones
when I emerged from rooms in tears over nothing that awful
you looked at me, no judgement, only wondering

you've seen me for my selfishness, my neglect and awkwardness
and still
you embrace the parts of me that lapse into fits and fall behind
you have your own problems but still care about mine
how are you so gentle to someone so unkind

you are my blessing
you are a miracle without having to try
the shards in your life are more piercing than mine
and still
you take care making sure my fingers are fine

you're sugar, spice and everything nice,
you're lovely and brave and oh, so kind

I should have paid more attention that it wasn't special treatment

you're lovely and brave and unbiasedly kind
you're sugar, spice and tragically nice

that day in the church I saw you in white
tending to a girl with eyes resembling mine
and a heart, believe me, even smaller than mine

that sunday I was shaken with a tender feeling
like jubilee bells ringing on a fearful june evening

you're a home to the homeless
and a beacon for many
definitely god-sent,
Jesus of Nazareth you were to plenty

you're so nice it laces my chest with a curious ache
I know your affection is more than I should take
you were— you are, my good old hearth
fireplaces were built to be shared in parts

I pray once in a while, giving thanks for you
for the tissues and bandaids and warmth that you bring
and if life itself isn't already a miracle for you,
I hope one day you get yours too

someone’s sobbing in the room upstairs while
i have been chasing ghosts of you
nothing compares to—
[a wailing siren drowns me out]

i have been having *** with a ghost since you left
there is nothing quite like it
i like her sighs, and looking into her eyes
i like the way your—
[a cosmos of white noise blanks me out]

i am stumbling through static calling out your name
what was your name again?
i may have been calling ten thousand different things
neither of us can find each other
we had passion and we had violence
personally i loved your rare gentle loving
how your hands seemed to form—
[a clap of thunder breaks my train of thought]

funny how if you listen closely applause sounds a lot like downpour
i was reading about the movement of tectonic plates
at divergent boundaries i
almost started weeping
thinking about how the plates were like a metaphor
in my mind you have been trying
to tell me where you are
kind of like “x marks the spot”
i have been chasing you and reaching out to
something that maybe isn’t there
where are you?
“my lovely, i am—”
[a piercing silence rips through]

it waxes,
and then it wanes
it's the honeymoon
before the shame
they told me about butterflies
but not about the pain
on your shoulder a new resting head,
I shoulder only the blame

I am that hour of night hardly anybody's ever up for
I am a fugitive fleeing visions
I am a silent spiral downwards
I am a dog chasing cars

I have compassion
well— a little
I have integrity
well— just a bit
I have self-respect
well—
well—

am I hollow?

I made a little cut
just to see if anything genuine would flow out
little did I know
in angry little streams
your hushed tone, your cologne, a warm embrace
a caress, the pain, your taste

arm around my waist and then
strong hands on my hips
you were the first to make me feel like a woman
you were also
first to leave

you said you understood me
you said you'd give me pleasure
you said the one I wanted was you and
you said you had your eye on other girls
you said "you won't feel hurt will you"
you said our thing wasn't real
you said "dear I know you're feeling for other boys" but boy, I wasn't a **** until I was called one and
you said this was only physical you said it was nothing more but you said sweet things and I entrusted myself to you you said your hands rather liked me but I didn't ask about your mind you said my fear was lovely you said it was cute the sound of me trembling you said it was temporary you said we'd have fun while it lasted you said you were leaving you said I was special you said you found someone else more special you said this was the last time you said—

.......

it waxes,
and then it wanes

it's the honeymoon
before the shame

they told me about stomachs and butterflies

but not that everything intoxicating

dies.

Look at me. I see
eyes that used to see right through me, eyes that understood
a smile like an embrace, warm, secure, familiar
the figure I found temporary comfort in, like fragile shelter in a thunderstorm
the face I grew accustomed to searching for in crowds
but now no more. I see
eyes that no longer see me, a gaze of incomprehension
a smile for formality, one I barely recognize
the figure that was once my shelter from thunderstorms, now a shade for other souls—
a shade I do not need, for I am alright with glaring sun
the face I no longer search for in crowds,
you’re a fish I released back into the sea
you see
I could look at you forever
and never feel a thing.

I picture you in the spaces of doorways
just to think how fitting you seem there
not in and yet not out, just,
somewhere there
think of how the light shall fall on your face, how,
swiftly, radiance is captured in a single split moment
isn’t life full of charm and wondrous things?
you are one of them, perched dainty on the topmost shelf
so precariously,
on display,
like fine china in my head
if fine china is meant to be chipped, and then broken, so be it.

when people cry I look away
being there is not my forte
I'm sorry I'm sorry
it's awkward to stay

at a crossroad I paused
to gawk and be awed
I'm sorry I'm sorry
I'll get out of your way

I refuse to study, I prefer poetry to work
parents and teachers are sure to be irked
I'm sorry I'm sorry
responsibilities are meant to be shirked

I sit at my desk and begin to cry
I'd like to think there's still time to buy
I'm sorry I'm sorry
it's hopeless to try

I'll take my leave, try and see what I can gain
take a gamble, throw a die, life is merely a game
I'm sorry I'm sorry
it's a pain to be tame

don't save me from falling
let's not draw the line
I'm sorry I'm sorry
now's not the time