I always carried the pain with me ever since
From broken furniture thrown by a screaming man
From promises wept by a shattered woman

I always carried the pain with me ever since
Because I never really knew what love looked like
I can only hear curses and threats
See only half-hearted embraces and silver edged kisses
It didn’t feel good to look at them
Those broken trusts and heavy hearts
It didn’t feel good to not know what love looked like
I felt afraid

I thought I had it once
Though his hand in mine didn’t fit
His grips got tighter when he found my waist
And I was put down too often
I thought I had it once
But his eyes roamed like a cat
On another woman’s body
And tasted lips like beer bottles
It didn’t have to look like love
Because it didn’t feel like love
I felt afraid

I felt lost against all the lights
I felt lost against his words
Of “Never Will I”
And I found you
You looked like trouble
You were going to pose me like a trophy
Just like the other boys with lion eyes
And I was going to let you
Because I never really crowned myself
But then I sang to you my sad song
And you didn’t pose me like a trophy
You posed me like a muse
And I felt afraid

Your lion eyes went away
And blossomed into suns
With the warmest colors
But I cried a lot and had a lot of nightmares
You always ran to my side
Whenever I called your name
I hurt your heart more than twice
You went away
And I felt afraid

I wanted to heal you
Even if I wasn’t all healed myself
From thorns in my heart
And choked screams in my sore throat
I wanted to heal you
And you let me

Your arms around me always felt like towers
Protecting me
I was your muse
You became my strength
Your words lit me to flames
And the aching I carried seemed to go away
I felt afraid
Because the agony was all I’ve ever known
I felt afraid
Could this be the love they say?

I felt afraid
One night the fear came back
With hotter flames and it burned me deeply
I tried washing it away, but not with water
I cried a lot and felt like a nightmare
Your lion eyes came back
And I felt afraid
You saw me as a wreck and not your muse
I sang you my sad song
And you built your arms around me once again
Quelling the flames

Although from self-hate, they still ember
And they hurt as smoke flows through my eyes
It fanned a demon
And it broke down your arms
I broke you again
To a point that you don’t believe
Much of my sad songs anymore
And I felt afraid

I want to sing a song once more
But the melody gets clogged on cries
So I’ll just tell you a little story
Of a little girl that never knew the face of Love
She was posed as a trophy for her pretty face
But never for her thorn heart
She felt afraid to anyone who exposed their heart to her
Fearing to only send curses and broken furniture
Because that’s all she’s ever known
But this time, she’ll strip for you
The insecurities, doubts and pain that was wrapped around her
Just so she could unmask you purely
Let the lion eyes roll back
See the face of Love
And never have to feel afraid ever again

I.


Her name was Anne
She had pretty eyes
One morning
She was not able to open them
When liquor shined in her throat
And chased after the pills

II.

I never got his name
But I heard he planted
A shell inside of his head
Pushing his thoughts and dreams aside
To make more room for itself (to grow)
Until they spilled red on his pillow case

III.

Her name was Lily
She was expected to become
Everything and perfect
But the pressure around her neck
Was tighter
Than the ones on her shoulders

IV.

Her name sounded like a constellation
You see on a summer night
She dipped herself into the ocean
And pretended
That she was a mermaid
She pretended
That she didn’t have an angry father
She pretended
That she didn’t have a crying mother
She took a gulp of the ocean
And the ocean
Rose and swallowed her

If only I could have you on me,
Like the clothes on my back
Have you closer to my skin,
Enough to find out each inch
Had a name of it’s own
You can be the cold that always have my bones
Shivering
And my teeth chattering
And every inch of my skin
Feeling bothered
But it makes me
Grin wider

I am enveloped by your warmth
Beating the sun’s eternal rays
A wondrous exposure of enthralling captivity
By the stellar beams of your embrace

Digits intertwined like wires
In a rocketship’s engine with
Pressure locked softly in our hold
Like gravitational glue of touch

You say,
“You are celestial”
And my lungs had blown up
An influx of blood
Travel to the lining of my face
When your mouth broke into
An astral curve after

You are my halcyon sea
Moving like a quiet prayer
Like satellite signals  
From the waves of space
And of the briny undertow
In our cosmic dance

Ebbing like a small sailboat
We rocked back and forth
To the trance of humming machines
Of clockwork
And graced by the heat of the guiding stars

I feel like a planet
Protected by your stardust

You
fill my veins
with yellow lights
& it beats the glow
of Christmas and New Year's Eve

All i know
is that it feels like
a home
that i've never had

Your mouth is wounded enough
To look like ruins
I can see where she left the damages
Of her hell mouth
Like an icy blade
Sharpened freshly
Against your own
But still
You fell in love with the way
She spoke
Every time
Of promises
And plans
That you and her
Shall make
But when her mouth
Formed the shape
Of leaving
Your teeth
Dug deep into your lips
Looking for words
To offer
For her to stay
But she
Left anyway

whenever i would say no
your face would darken
& i can see smoke
filling into your irises
light
getting blocked
by a deeper hunger
the tongue is not able
to understand

you would bare your teeth
& get onto me anyway
sinking your fangs
deep
into my paper skin
leaving so much
red
on my flesh

you know
i have found another
heartbeat
inside of me
&
i can't let my body
be its home
for there's so much of you
staining on me
your venom
is pulsating within me

&
maybe
this is the only thing
i will keep
from
you