And when you turned around
disdain in your eyes
and said “what’s the matter with you?”
I knew.

And when, during an argument,
you said “if that’s the way you want to twist things”
you reminded me of my father
and I knew then too.

And then, when the elevator opened, when you turned and walked away
because I answered your question honestly,
I knew
that what was once beautiful was merely the situation
and the joy, pleasure, delight
was mine alone
and nothing
to do
with you.

let go of dreams that aren’t serving you
let go of dreams that will never come true
you’re still sitting sobbing in your room to songs you were crying to at 14
and what the **** is growth anyway?
doesn’t pain throb the same at any age?
why hang on to possibilities when the potentiality of everything is right there in front of you?
shut up, you stupid *****: you’re brilliant
I love you
I will keep on loving you until you figure out what’s going on here
who you are
is not all you will be
and I love you
you’re mine
what else could I do?

i am trying to take care of my body
nurture it as if it were a newborn
cherish its hills and valleys, winding channels and perpetual rainfall
trying to help it move and sit and walk
and perhaps someday it will dance again

i am trying to take care of my mind
gather it up into my arms, tenderly
push away the clouds that gather and threaten to obscure the sun
throw open the curtains, unleash the riotous day
flood its rooms with light and the inevitability
of unwavering hope

i am trying to take care of my soul
nurse it carefully, puckered lips towards the sky
awake in anticipation for all the things that are yet to happen
the may-nots, the mays, the possibilities, the junes
and all of the beautiful days
that are sure to follow

as i push away the fury in my heart.

Darling, I'm a thunderstorm
and my rain pelts down harsher than the
words you spit
in vehement violence
Darling, I'm a thunderstorm
and my lightening strikes brighter than the
empty promises you made
(brighter, but just as fleeting)
Darling, I'm a thunderstorm
and my rage is vast, immeasurable
filling oceans with its ferocity
Darling, I'm a thunderstorm
and this too will pass, leaving
chaos in its wake.

there is an exquisite kind of despair
especially reserved for those with a secret
that possesses the mind with a violence

if loose lips sink ships
why am i drowning in my silence?

unlike the moon overshadowed by sun
i will not diminish myself
just to see you shine

unlike a scarf reached for on a stormy day
i will not wind myself around your neck
to keep you warm

unlike dust escaping old pages disturbed
i will not rise, nor fall, nor settle
nor make anyone happy
before myself