Dad, you always told me
"Don't open that door."
You would say the same words to my brother,
But they didn't mean the same thing.
When you said them to him,
They were a warning.
When you said them to me,
They were a threat.
Dad, you always looked at me
Like I was the problem.
Like I am the reason things got bad.
That I asked for this,
All of this.
Dad, you always looked at me
Like I was the reason mom got sick,
Like I was the reason you couldn't keep a job,
Like I was the reason we lost every house, every apartment, and every picture that reminded us that there was a time when things were good.
Dad, you always looked at me
Like I was the poison,
Not the ***** in your coffee mug,
Not the bugs crawling out of the floorboards,
Not the choices you made.
Dad, you always looked at me
Like I was the reason big brother won't come home.
Like I was the reason your family got torn apart.
But we were never a family, dad. Not really.
Dad, you always looked at me
Like if it wasn't for me
Mom would be so much more alive
Than she is right now.
Like if it wasn't for me,
Your youngest son, my youngest brother,
Wouldn't have spent that Christmas in the hospital,
And we'd still have that apartment.
Dad, you always looked at me
Like I carried everything bad about you
On my shoulders, and that was my own fault.
Dad, you always looked at me
Like I could have closed the door at anytime.
Like I purposely wandered into that room.
Like I meant to be this way.
Like I wanted this.
Dad, you always looked at me
Like it was my own fault
That I was born with the door ripped off its hinges
And that I entered the room of my own volition,
When we both know that was where I was born.
Dad, you always looked at me
Like I was a waste of potential.
Like me being alive
Was your punishment
For all the bad things you've done.
Dad, mom always tells me
How much I look like you.
How I have all your good traits.
Dad, mom always looks at me
Like I could save us.
Like I could bring back the light.
Like I just only need a chance.
Dad, you always told me
That the only person you'd listen to
About your drinking and cruelty
Was me.
Dad, you never listened.
Dad, every time I told you
That I didn't feel safe,
That I was scared,
That I didn't want to be alive,
You always looked at me
Like you didn't understand why I thought you would care.
Dad, when I was little,
You looked at me like
I held stars in my palms.
Like I could do anything.
Like I was worth everything.
Dad, I didn't mean it.
Dad, I really tried to make it go away.
Dad, I'm sorry.
**** yeah, daddy-issues.