I dreamt that you said you're sorry.
You felt bad for being so indecisive,
you decided to be serious.
You flew in from Babylon.
The second you saw me,
you held me tight.
They say you never experience emotions
you've never felt in reality
in a dream,
but I'm trying to figure out when in my life
I felt so much love.
I'm trying to remember someone in my life
that I never wanted to let go of that badly.
I feel as though your arms around me
protected me from everything that ever could have happened.
There was an overflow of emotions as you kissed me,
and I swear on it,
I've never been kissed like that to know
who would have done it in reality.
The rest was a montage of us being in love.
The rest was all I've ever wanted.
But just as every dream ends,
I woke up.
I woke up smiling,
but I woke up alone.
I woke up emptier
than I've been in weeks.
I woke up without you
lying next to me.

you say you love me
yet it is small and it fades
my mind takes it
and it blows it up
tries to copy it, flip it, turn it
morph it into something bigger
it tries to change the hues
make it a little less cold
and maybe when it's done
it'll finally be what I've always thought love was supposed to be
magnificent
breathtaking
mesmerizing
like watching the solid blue of the sky turn
red
orange
yellow
pink
purple
we could be the picture perfect moment everyone wants to see
we could be perfect
let's be perfect before the sky goes

black.

black, void of color

black, void of love.

you say you love me
yet it is small and it fades
my mind takes it
and it blows it up
tries to copy it, flip it, turn it
morph it into something bigger
it tries to change the hues
make it a little less cold
but

i think the kaleidoscope is broken
it's not getting brighter anymore
i'm waiting for you to take my breath away
but instead i'm watching you drift away
like the colors of the sky all fading to a void black

like the colors of the sky,
soon you'll be gone,
too

I've traced the pillow's edge pretending it was your back for some time now,
acting as if you'd been lying beside me this whole time.
Whether sharing a bed with you is plausible or not is still a mystery to me.
I'd always imagined you to be a very warm person,
and I'd like not to have to get more blankets every night.
Lately, though, I'm beginning to think the opposite.
Maybe the bed being cold and empty
is a proper representation of your presence after all.

For the fourth time this week,
I drove down J imagining you were in the seat next to me,
Telling me how much of a nerd I was for mouthing the words to the song playing.
Bayside had always been our favorite band,
This ride did not change that.
I mouthed that you were my rock so long as I was yours and you just smiled.
I awake from my reverie.
Fourteen hours later and you’ve hardly spoken to me today.
It’s normal, though, as you’re a busy guy.
This is what I’ve been telling myself for three years.
I apologize to the voices in my head for your behaviour.
“We’ve talked about this,”
I say,
“We’re not going to try anything because of the distance.”
I sigh to myself and erase the message I’ve typed out for you.
It’s the fifth time I’ve done it this hour,
Seeing as you never responded to the last.
Last time you said you loved me was three days ago.
I told you I love you two hours ago and you called me a nerd.
“Nerd.”
I take a deep breath at the thought of the word.
I try to replace it with something different.
“Love.”
“Beautiful.”
Beautiful.
You’ve called me beautiful, right?
I scroll through our messages, looking for a time where you might have.
I only find you telling me my smile “kills” you.
Those words still make me melt, and I hate it.
I hate myself for loving you like this.
I hate myself for hating myself for loving you,
As I convince myself again,
For the hundredth time,
That you do.
I’ve been begging for a sign that you do.
One aside from your words.
“Actions speak louder than words,”
I remind myself,
And think back to an action.
What have you done?
I can’t help but wonder if the songs you wrote about me,
Loving me,
And us,
Were sent to another.
The lack of specification in said songs makes me swallow hard.
I think back to the night you told me you broke down with your friend.
You told him everything,
How you’ve loved me for years,
How you’ve never been able to do something about it.
How you tell me you date so many girls but always think of me.
How I believe you.
I’m scared, now.
Every day that we’re apart,
I can’t help but worry and doubt.
Am I just some... toy?
I can’t help wonder to myself if I am,
And I scroll through our messages.
I’m torturing myself, really.
As I scroll I reflect on the amount;
Thousands of messages collected over the past three years.
Three years--
Why would you spend that much time ‘toying’ with someone?
My heart swells,
As do tears.
I erase the message I’ve typed out to you.
That's the sixth time this hour.
The cycle will repeat until I fall asleep,
One last unsent message sitting in my palm.
I stare at the screen, waiting for my eyes to close.
They don't.
"active now"
it reads under your name.
I stare at your display picture.
For the fourth time this week, I pretend you’re staring back.
And for the... what was it?
I’ve lost count.
I pretend you’re listening and I turn off the screen.*
“Goodnight, I love you. Sweet dreams.”

Four years ago today you walked into my life.
Four years ago today, I had never known love.
Four years ago today, I had never known the fear of losing someone.
Four years ago today, I had never known the fear of staying with someone.
Four years ago today, I had never known the fear of being touched.
Four years ago today, I had never known you'd never let me say no.
Four years ago today, I had never known the nightmare of love.
Four years ago today, I was innocent.
Four years later, you showed me how to doubt.
Four years later and I still panic when asked about you.
Four years later, you're still haunting me.
Four years later and you still call my name.
Four years later and I'm still so scared.
Four years of this.
Four years.

You saved me.
You didn't need a mask to do so.
Yet when I see your eyes after a long day of crime
I see the pain you bear inside.
I will always kiss your pain away, baby.
And even though I'll never know the New York City skyline quite like you do,
I'll always stay nearby.
You don't need a web to keep me stuck on you.
Instead I'll try to keep your chin up until you finally can rest.
It might not be much, just know I'm doing my best.
I'm no hero myself, but I know I'm handling this the best I can,
and when you lay down beside me at the end of the night,
I'll kiss you.
I'll show you the tenderness you so desperately need, whether you admit it or not.
The scars on your body are the scars on my heart,
and I'll share your pain.
You are not doing this alone.
It is hard, but I am trying.
And I always will.
I'm not quite sure someone else could do this,
it's hard, I admit it.
But I'll always be here.
Partners in crime until the end of time.
What can I say?
Face it, tiger...
you just hit the jackpot.

When I close my eyes, I see you,
and I'm afraid to speak.
My mouth is dry,
yet my eyes are wet.
I want to hold you,
but I can't.
I'm stuttering,
I'm saying sorry.
I'm sorry that I did this.
I'm sorry that I miss you because
I'm sorry that I care.
I'm sorry that you're suffering because
I'm a sorry fool.
I'm not sorry that I love him.
But I'm sorry that I can't love you.