I lost my faith when I taught myself how to bleed
and I’ve been carrying my burdens behind my teeth, a dog who’s bark is booming and who’s bite is jagged
When I meet god I hope it’s a fair fight
Because as far as I’m concerned he’s no match for me

no weapons, no tricks
just the hands that helped me crawl when i felt I couldn’t stand the pain
just unbridled anger at being denied happiness even as a child
just wounds that have been ripped open even after I’ve stitched myself together again

i’ll show no remorse, the same way he didn’t
I don’t want an apology, that would mean nothing to me
I want him to look up at me when he’s on his knees
and feel humbled and human at the pain he’s let me endure

Your heart is big. It's too much for some people. Learn to guard it from the people who wrap their hands around your neck whose kisses taste like blood.
Your sadness is overwhelming. You have to teach yourself not to drown the people you love. Eventually they'll learn to swim, and it won't be towards you.
Loneliness lives within you. Fight it without destroying yourself in the process.
Love is addicting. Love exists. Love is toxic. Love hurts. Good luck.

All my childhood I was told to be quiet

I modeled myself so that I became the background noise, a silhouette in the corner, someone's shadow

When I became an adult, that role was so far ingrained into me that it became my personality

I am the one who stays home when everyone else has gone to the party, I am the one who holds everyone's coats at the dance club

I sometimes wonder if my death will affect anyone, if they will notice that where I once stood still holds the shape of my feet

How about the one where I had so many friends I couldn't keep track
Or the one where we were too scared to make a homemade ouija board
Try the one where I went to someone else's house to celebrate
Here, have the one where all I got from my mother was a dry toned voice-mail
Feast upon the most recent one where I jumped into a pool in 53 degree weather to try and drown
I wonder what the next one has in store for me

It was asking too much of the universe

That I have a good day

And so to expel the hopes and wishes I had for that day,

I slashed a reminder for every year I've lived

And let loose all the hopes I had for ever getting better

you would wrench my wings behind my back whenever I was ready to take off
and when I finally got out of your cage, you took hold and ripped them from my back
and you placed them on yours and sang a sad song
and everyone flocked to you as if you were the one hurting
while I was bleeding and trying to find out how to get back in the air

your god insisted (demanded)
that one child in every odd family
live through hell
as a test (for his pride)
they endured trauma, suffering, heartbreak, tragedy
with god watching, waiting for them to call on him (a narcissist)
but they started dying (their own hands)
he began to grow nervous (does god doubt?)
he made the test harder, he had to destroy those left (scared of his mess)
I survived. I will survive. I will make him get on his knees and beg for my mercy (I am not your plaything. I am my own god)

I sit at the table with my sadness in front of me and with trembling hands I pick up my fork and
Consume
I taste regret and loneliness and guilt and -
I am choking but what do you use to dilute the worst parts of your life?
Losing air -
I am going to die with all my hurt caught in my throat
Fading -
I am going to die never knowing what happiness tastes like
Dark -
I wanted to know peace.

Have you ever had someone tell you they love you

And they convince you that they mean it, that you're going to be with them forever

And then starts the arguments, the shifting blame, the trust being broken, the lies and deceit

And all the abuse and manipulation is too hard to keep up with, you start to feel like you're stuck in a maze and doing everything wrong and making all the wrong turns

And your heart watches you from above, screaming directions that you can't (or don't because you thought this was love) hear

i could nail the door shut,
          you'd only find a window

i could seal those windows,
        you'd only dig your way out

i could fill your hole with my tears,
      you'd push the roof out of place
      
my begging could stretch like webs across the ceiling
    and still you'd find some way to steal my heart and leave

I used to eat thorns to remind myself of what I had with you
I swallow petals now that fill my head with scents that cradle me in luxury
My mouth opens and where there once was blood,
My tongue is coated in nectar
My throat lined with color and fuzz
I begin to choke on the leafage that I thought would taste better than you
But in the end, there’s still dirt and worms in my stomach

You've changed your name so much in the years since I left that I feel like I made you up
You're not the same person who abused me until I couldn't hear that name for weeks
That person had me looking over my shoulder for months, scared to talk to anyone, scared to make the wrong move

And now you're internet famous,
writing poetry about heartbreak and suffering

hiding your lies, your deceit, your malice

And I'm trying to put the pieces back together so that I remember how it felt to be loved (abused) by you

I checked my net
but all I got was catfish

Conversations opened, and suddenly
the sight of a notification from "Miah"
makes my heart race

Five days pass and I'm tempted to talk about her
but she doesn't exist in the
"real world"
so I twist my tongue inside my mouth
and hide the secret of her beneath it

I cannot jinx what isn't real, or tangible
because it's easy to believe in god but "Miah" is 400 miles away
I've only seen her face pixellated on a screen

The implication is planted that I should know more
Mythical creatures are hard to believe in
and then,
"Miah's" phone number is linked to "Mike's" smiling face at his graduation

I've put my heart online and the viruses ate at it
but here in the
"real world"
I'm just another fool with a net full of catfish

I fall for every heart I come into contact with
Acknowledging that they may not return the favor
But accepting that as my penance
For being a sensitive abyss of sadness

When did it get this way

When did wanting to die become my default emotion

When did everything that made me happy fade to shades of grey

How did the people who claim to love me

Allow me to fall into this pit of despair and destruction

Without ever trying to reach in and save me

i sit in the confessional, the lattice throwing shadows that in the corners of my eyes become demons.

inhale, hold, exhale.

Forgive me not, for it was not me who sinned. But God himself, who allowed the hands between my legs when my thighs were no more than centimeters apart, those who forced themselves to invade my space even as I cried and prayed for mercy. God who allowed their sweat to fall on my face, mixing with my tears. God who caught my breath in my throat until it was scratched raw inside my mouth as a bird in a cage.

It was God who sinned when this happened not once or twice, but so much that my body became a shell and my mind a mallet with which to break. It was God who stood by as I opened my veins and looked for an answer.

Forgive me not father, because you did not protect me, forgive me not, because it was you who did nothing.

Inhale, hold, exhale.

The lattice throws shadows across my lap and my legs have stopped trembling.

Forgive me not father, because you have pillaged me through them.

I call you and as usual your phone goes to voicemail
I open my mouth and poetry flows out
It is like I'm choking on everything I want to say but it is all phrased so
Beautifully
And painfully
That I want to erase the message and start again


When I play it back to myself I hear my garbled cries of agony
I hear pleas that are sure to fall on deaf ears
I hear promises that I should've made months ago

And I delete the message without hesitation.

he pushes me onto my knees
                       our father who art in heaven
i open my mouth for him
                      lord, i want to recommit my life, my heart to you
he holds my head in his hands and i take in all of him
                     you alone are worthy of all honor and praise
his eyes close and his head tilts back
                    he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you
                        by his love
i can feel tears running down my cheeks and i look up and capture his eyes
                   i saw the lord...lofty and exalted
his mouth tilted into a grin
                  make your face shine on your servant; save me in your
                         steadfast love
he pushes my head back and i come away with drool and tears dripping to the floor
                 now the works of the flesh are evident
i smile at him and my gaze demands his admiration
                for this is the love of god

~

The ability to wake up and remember to brush my teeth, brush my hair, wash my face
The ability to remember to shower on a daily basis and actually wash my body instead of staring off into space
The luxury of eating 3 full meals a day and enjoying my appearance
The sinful self indulgence of allowing *** to be purely for pleasure and nothing else
The comfort of being able to go out in public in large crowds and manage to keep my head on my shoulders
The delight of being able to communicate clearly what I desire and need from other people

*What an extravagant life that would be, if only I were not born as me

Am I doomed to become like her
A distant cold shell of a woman
Who seems like a ghost that no one can put to rest
Hardened over time of being misunderstood

Or will I grow up like him
Angry at the innocent people who cross my path
Self absorbed and manipulative
Someone who people avoid when they're out in public

Better yet will I find myself in the middle
Angry and hostile
Cold and detached
But twice as alone

When most people say they have seasonal depression, they usually mean in the winter
Depression and winter go hand in hand
Darkness, cold, shorter days, holidays where if you're alone you're miserable, deadlines
But some people don't understand that seasonal depression happens in the summer too
I wish I could explain why I don't want to go outside when the sun has never been brighter
I wish I could help you comprehend why going swimming is a perfect way for me to drown myself
I wish I could help you understand why I don't feel accomplished or at ease, I feel under pressure to have a good summer
But I can't

Do you remember?
How you told me we were "playing a game"
And you made me do things no 4 year old should do
You made me think we were having fun
That I was winning this game
But I'm older now and I realize that I've lost
You probably don't even remember
But I do

No one is to blame for the way I hated myself
No one is to blame for how lonely I felt even when surrounded by people
I did this to myself and if I fail I don't want to discuss why
Because nothing will change
The world will still revolve
I will still be void of what I want

Say it was always me, always me
Comfort yourself in your blanket of blame

Allow your friends who never knew me,
Never loved me,
To assure you that you were right, of course you were right

Say whatever you need
To convince yourself that I didn't give you my all until my hands were bleeding and broken

From the pedestal I built to put you on

If you fell out of love with me,
Would you be brave enough, strong enough,
To look me in the eyes
And tell me that you no longer felt the same way?
Would you be able to stomach my immediate panic,
My hysteria,
My desperation as I beg you to tell me that you're joking
Would you be able to look me in the face
And feel nothing but sympathy
As I completely crumble before you?

"Put your trauma in a box, put it on a shelf, and don't acknowledge it until you're ready"
My therapist smiles at me and I feel like I might actually be losing my mind
But I go home
And I put everything she did to me in a box in my mind
And I bury it in the deepest corners where old lovers who left live
For a while, I forget
But in the midst of the night
When I'm deprived of sleep
The box jumps and thrusts itself to the front of my mind,
Causing the top to fall off -
I remember watching that movie with her
Crying with her
My own favorite movie has betrayed me and made me sick and inconsolable
I get up, grab the DVD case, break the disk into pieces
The box returns to an even deeper corner
But this time it takes a part of me with it