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Jayce Mar 2018
i am meat
i'm useful only for consumption

stunning, incapacitating
"i'll split you in two"
you're killing me!

how would you like to dress my flesh?

grinding
am i tender enough?

bleeding
put me on display
i'm just a trophy
am i the best piece of meat you've ever had?
Jayce Apr 2016
What I want to know is why?
Why am I told to remember the tragedy of 9/11, but when I bring up the tragedy of my people once enslaved, I am told that it was years ago and I should “get over it”?
Why when I make a joke at a Caucasian friend’s expense does his face grow disgusted and he spats the word racist at me, then turns around and make a joke at a black man’s expense and expects me to laugh?
Why am I told that I am “boring” or that “no one likes being around an angry black woman” when I rise up to speak about the obstacles all people of color face in the modern society?
Why is it that my Caucasian friends are allowed to rely stories of being called racist with voices grim and shocked, but if I ask, “Well, were you being racist?” they look at me as if I’ve offended them?
Why is it a normal thing for people of color to rise and speak about their experiences of being a minority, only to have a Caucasian person slap a metaphorical hand over their mouth by saying, “You’re not the only one who’s experienced racism”?
Why as a child growing up was I taught by society that darker skin was less desirable, that if I was dark I shouldn’t wear pastel bright colors, that my blackness isn’t worshipped, but now in modern day society I am forced to watch Caucasians wear weave, get braids, do things they consider “being black” and have praise rain down on them?
Why should I have to listen to my Caucasian friends use the word “*****” as if their ancestors didn’t pronounce the word the same way someone would call a dog a mutt?
Why when I asked my Caucasian friend to explain why her crush wasn’t her type, she mentioned his blackness not as a worry that someone might not agree, or because years ago it wouldn’t be allowed, or as a concern that the way the modern world seems to be against him, but as if his blackness deemed him less dateable?
Why?
Jayce Jun 2018
Recovering.
Healing sores and licking wounds.
Then indulging.
Gluttonous and hungry.
Then relapsing.
Being torn apart and set on fire.

Then nothing.
Quiet and it's just another day.
Jayce Apr 2016
You were handed a time bomb instead of a bouncing baby
And for sixteen years you tried to cut the right wire
Only to realize you're no demolitions expert
And so you sacrificed me
(To save yourself?)
(To save me?)
And as soon as you sped off, bracing yourself for impact
I extinguished
And for three more years, I waited
Waited for a sign
That since I was no longer a threat,
You might finally feel something
I'm still waiting
Jayce Jan 2019
Dropped calls and now you have ten voicemails
Garbled cries of "please pick up" and "what did i do"

Self-medicating, intoxicating
Then I'm bleeding profusely and it covers my tattoo,
the same one that she got too

An angel comes
And cries for me, stopping me in my tracks
I tell her it wasn't a matter of what, but who

The angel and I are bonded
I can feel my heart release once again
Until I find myself self-medicating again

"We never needed you"

Pavement beneath me rising
To consume my tears and stain my feet
How did I get here? I was supposed to stop at the tracks

I thought she was an angel but when she turns her back
I can't find wings

"You're just a burden"

drowning, no calls dropped this time
no messages, no well wishes
I won't have anyone to save me next time
Jayce Jun 2016
I was never doing this to you
But you never spoke up and told everyone that
And so I'll carry the blame that you insist isn't there
Even though my shoulder blades seem to keep snapping out of place
Jayce Apr 2016
Why do I call you mine
when I want nothing to do with you
why do I call the memory ours
when the only thing we shared was air and a ****** bed
why do I think you own me
just because your voice telling me to be quiet is all that I hear when you're around
arms twisted behind my back,
pinned beneath you until you finished
pulling up your pants, tossing my ******* at me,
and telling me "you're bleeding"
when only an hour before you called me yours
Jayce Dec 2017
For years, I didn’t understand why my brain deprived me of stability
I hid the cracks in my mental with glue

Now it seems the glue has aged and I’m struggling to hold it together
And you tell me that I’m getting sadness all over the carpet

I’m sorry
I’ll try and be suicidal more quietly
Jayce Dec 2018
I make breakfast for my loneliness, unflinching as it sits down in it's chair, grunting at me. The pain throbs in my head and my body at the feel of it's presence, and suddenly I am not in my body.
I am thinking of times when I slept in twin beds with friends, sure that one of us would fall off in the night but waking up to our bodies entwined. I remember car rides with the windows down and the sound of radios blaring but our voices louder, singing along.
I yearn for times when friends and I would take pictures, freezing moments in time so that we'd never forget that moment, and how with technology, all I had to do was press a button for them to dissipate into nothing.
I am crying over the stove and I can hear my loneliness grinning and chuckling behind me, reminding me that the inside of this prison is where I will stay forever.
Jayce Apr 2016
Everyone who has ever hurt me has my blood on their hands
But there is one who had the most
And she pushed her hands in her pockets,
Hiding the sight and the metallic smell of what she'd done to me
She shoved the knife in my hands and insisted I did it to myself

It's been two years
And she has yet to wash the blood off
Instead it's dried and there's the faintest hue of it on her hands
And yet she still insists I left myself bleeding
Jayce Sep 2018
I call you mine even though you once made me cry so hard I felt like my head was becoming undone

I associate you with myself because you’re one of few who can grip my heart and render me useless all while not being within touching distance

You’ve never touched my neck and yet the prints there match the shape of your hands perfectly

The air between us is so cold that I can’t move and my entire body trembles, warning me to get away

I call you mine but in all honesty when you sank your teeth in you staked your claim
Jayce Aug 2018
It's easy to blame the way the planets are moving
When you've lost your faith in a god who only seems to neglect you
And so your fingers trace the outlines of constellations and track retrogrades
In order to understand why your life has never been in sync

— The End —