Underneath laughing gowns
And clicking white heals
Fall lost hopes and dreams
Things we used to feel

Each red petal; now dead
Used to celebrate a new start
With friends and family and something blue
A fellowship of two hearts

And here I sit at the last row
Watching young flower girls sing
And clatter sounds as hands clap
When a finger bears a wedding ring

But those petals; red and crumpled
Lay suffering as they all applaud
And my memory recalls two more suffering flowers
And my fingers plucking a petal
And whispering
"He loves me not."

I asked her,
"Why is warmth wanted rather than cold? Why is warmth more respected when it burns and sears?"

And she replied,
"Sh! The normal ones will hear you and think you're crazy!"

So I laughed
Because you see
(I am crazy)

But Hm.
We have not discussed this since
And I'm beginning to think
You've caught Normal too.

As the sun shines
On top of burnt heads
And warm, wrinkly smiles
Beam brightly

I can't help but wonder
That at this moment
The world is too perfect
Too perfect to go on like this

Some people like summertime.
They like loud parties with loud people
They love and live for the sun
For golden-brown tans and expensive sunglasses
They like the feel of the daytime,
of being alive and happy
They live every moment like it's their last
Never staying in one place too long
After all...
Why stand still when there is a whole world to explore?

So
In other words
Those people are just like
you.

You crave adventure
And the fast-paced world
And Chasing is your profession

The first thing you did
When you came into town
Was chase
Me

And I lead you to something I thought you'd like to see
So that night
As we stood under the stars
You laughed

"It's so quiet."

Had you ever stood so still? Just watched in awe? Not caring about where you'd been or where you were going?

I told you about the perpetual sky
How their light shines for those who look for light in the dark
And your eyes twinkled
To form two new stars themselves

And I smiled

You see
Some people like structure
The like to stay and explore the details
After all...
There would be no world without the little things, now would there?

As I stood there
With you
I asked if you wanted to stay
Even if the chase was over
And your fingers grasped my hand

Your eyes answered for you

heaven is simply a place on earth
and hell is the magma
we'll eventually all fall into

the ground is cracking
and it's not long
until it splits underneath us

our world is breaking apart
from our preoccupied actions
of violence and hatred

while we search to gain
money, power, glory and purpose
we actively lose our minds

this heavenly place is the first world,
full of ease and ignorant bliss
and the fire of the third world is from our firearms

they do not suffer so we don't have
they suffer because we let them
and so the fire blazes on

our craze helps mute their cries
and the sounds of the splitting ground
as the hell-bound rush up to engulf our sins along with us

I searched for you between the cracks of dawn and dusk,
riding the river streams, flying through the clouds,
scaling the daunting mountains,
hoping to catch a glimpse of you
-- hoping you would catch a glimpse of me.

I surfed the wind into coffee shops, bars, house parties
and felt myself falling
into the arms of beautiful and treacherous men
with heartbeats that slowed down
when the music of the night faded into the morning.

I searched for you within ageing class photos,
within high school memories of crooked smirks and cologne
of boys whose bodies I've dreamt of knowing
but never reached my grasp out to
in fear that they wouldn't hold on.

I searched for love in the bounties of nature and time,
in what could have been and what was,
in who he is and who he could be,
but never have I searched for love where it should be brightest:
within the hollows of my lonely self.

Sometimes
I feel as if I embody the universe
And that I have the strength of the big bang within me.
It seems tirelessly eternal
To be forever found within the depths of music and art,
Dancing in the feeling of living.

Sometimes
I feel as if the universe embodies me
And that its fragility is the same as that of my body.
It seems achingly temporary
To be forever lost in the shallows of yesterday, today and tomorrow,
Fading into the pool of time.

Some times
I wonder if I am temporary
Because I will disintegrate so easily and so soon.
It seems eerily lonesome,
To have my existence and experiences buried with me
Decaying with the forgotten dead.

Sometimes,
I wonder if I am eternal
Because my bones will become part of the earth.
It seems pleasantly wholesome
To have my being preserved within something greater,
Giving way to new life.

Other times
I fret to feel or wonder at all
From concern that I may crawl too far into the unanswerable.
It is covertly treacherous
To hover around the realm of realizing human importance,
Falling into a spiral of maddening uncertainty.

these days feel like the soap bar
my mother used to lather all over me
as she bathed me in her
parents' home

they're soft and cleansing
to the point where I feel refreshed
and pure
and new

but as she cleaned over my chest
where my small heart beat
she dropped the soap bar
and it disappeared into the cloudy waters

soon these days will slip away
just as the bar did
and the purity and ease will wash away
to expose the filth i've hidden within myself

Dear You,

When I first saw you, I thought you were unremarkable. I didn't know, then, that I would end up this way with my insides torn to shreds over the love I wish to give you.

Perhaps you seemed unremarkable to me because your treasure lays inside of you, under the layers of humour and deceptive smiles. I saw a glimpse of your treasure when a brick fell from the towers you built to protect yourself. It was the night you told me what you willed no one else to know, a night where your defences were down.

I was entranced for a while, caught up in the thoughts of all you were hiding and who you could be if you stepped out of the tower. This was dangerous territory. In attempting to reach you, I nearly fell into the moat that protects your structure.

In my trance, I didn't realize you had not drawn me a bridge. I was not the one you wished to uncover your treasure. You crumpled my heart like a sheet of paper, threw it into the moat, but my mind was still shackled to you.

In my thinking, I realized that I cannot help you. I cannot tear down your walls if you disarm me. So I have decided to let my heart wander away in the water, break the ties I have to you, and keep the love I cannot give away.

I cannot care for you if you do not want me to. I cannot go against what you wish, and what you wish is for the touch of another to ease you into letting down your guard. You wish that someone finds you remarkable, but that someone must not be me.

I walk away from your treasure and hope that one day, you will lower your bridge and let someone pick away at your walls. If that person does not exist, if no one again finds you and your hidden treasure remarkable, then remember that my torn heart still floats in the water you almost let consume me.

If you would let me care for you, I could retrieve it. I could swim across the thrashing moat, speak to you through the hardened walls you've built. I could hope that this time, you would listen to my voice.

For now, I leave you.

Sincerely,

Me

You are always truly alone
No one can be there for you
Unless you are there for yourself

You are not the width of your waist
Nor the flaws on your face
Nor your hand that can't reach a shelf

You are not the sound
Of your helpless snores
Or the laugh you enjoyed letting out

You are not the anger
That takes over your eyes
Or the guilt in your heart after a shout

You are not the tears
You want to but have not cried
For fear of being weak

You are not the words
You whisper when you're alone
That make the world sound bleak

You are not a body
With a soul
But a soul that has been given a human shell

You are the life
You claim to live
You are your own living hell

You are your own nightmare
Your own problems
And your own savior from it all

You are a spirit
That can run forever and free
Yet you choose to burden the fall

my head's a balloon
one blow away from bursting.
please don't hit me, babe.

The black rain
beats against my numbing skin.
It feels of frostbite with no venom,
of glass with no rough edges.

It feels of days spent in front of my plate of food
three years ago
where I could taste the metallic flavour of a nuzzle
and my own blood.

It feels of the days spent in my room
two years ago
where the bedsheets would call my name and reach for me
as soon as I kissed them good-bye.

It feels of the days spent on the bus
one year ago
where I watched the passing twinkling streets
and wished for a car to come and claim me.

It feels of the days of hollowness
these days
where I realize I have not found cover from the rain.
I have only stopped feeling it drench me in pitch black.

She mapped him out before she met him.

When she saw him, she recognized
The grooves of his smiling face,
The rumbling sound of his voice,
His fresh scent when he embraced her.

When she saw him, she saw her map
Embodied in man that reflected the future
That she so longed to live,
But never thought she would.

He saw it in her, too.

They drifted towards the calm sea
With tomorrow stretching out before them
On a boat where their bodies collided
Like soft waves that engulfed one another.

Their bond sent ripples into the water,
Sizzled the skies with its urgency,
Guiding the boat closer to the shore
That seemed too looming.

She didn't want to reach it.

She had travelled the streets of her map
In search of finding something to fulfill her-
Something that wasn't there
Out on the calm, open sea.

They sailed to an island with greener grass,
But with no winds to uplift her spirit.
She had the map of him,
But the map of her lay in treacherous water.

She dived into the unknown.

Hush little baby
Don't you cry
I'm right here with you
Whispering in the night

The blood on your arms
Can stain my shirt
By I won't let go of you
Because baby, you're hurt

You can have my shoulder
And hold me close
Because I've taken your alcohol
You've had your dose

I know, I'm cruel
I'm forcing you to face reality
But babe, you aren't alone
You don't have to lose your sanity

I can feel your shivering body
And the faint thump of your heart
The beat, it touches me
You're a fine piece of art

Hush little baby
Let me take away your pain
I'll whisper soft words to you
"There is sunshine beyond this rain."

Five AM
can't sleep
my thoughts are having a rumbling party
with everything that could go wrong
and alcohol
but maybe that's all just my toxic thoughts
that won't let me rest
when I know there is a tomorrow
when I'll have to face it all again

I'm pretty sure I've been invited
to a date with Migraine
as I hear
Someone Like You
play in the stereos of my mind
and I start to remember
things and people I wish I'd forget
that I try so hard to forget
when I'm sober

Right now,
I'm drunk on sleep
and can't control the party
the toxins are getting to me
and I wish Sleep hadn't rejected me
so I could go back to its warm slumber
but it has long since kept
my cold sheets
feeling welcoming

Six AM
can't sleep
songs and people I used to know
and regrets and thoughts
still unforgiving
with the smell
of sleepy alcohol
drumming in my skull

The sheets on my bed
Like long arms, envelop me
Strangling me to stay
Well, at least I feel something

Can I close my eyes
And hope that I wake up elsewhere
Where the rain shines on the other side of the Earth
Is there someone to help me somewhere?

Can I trust my nightmares
Will be better than reality
Or is this as good as it gets?

I think that's why I believe in God and in heaven
There must be some other land than distress.

My eyes droop
To the sound
Of the night caving in
And the lights dimming out

My vision clogs
With grogginess and
The mistakes I made today
And the ones I will make tomorrow

So I smile
Because the future isn't certain
And I like mysteries and all,
But one thing is for sure
That every night, before I am consumed by sleep
My eyelids will be imprinted
With your angelic face
Burned into them

And another thing
Although I will make more mistakes tomorrow
I still have you
And that can only mean
That I'll also do something right

And with that
My mind is filled
With fog and clouds and smells
Of days and nights
And a smile tattoos my tired face
Form the memory
Of you

I am the lost hum of dawn in a bachelor's room
Who lies awake with tired eyes
I am his calm and faltering discontent
That blooms with the watering of his hidden cries

I am the spots he overlooks in the mirror
Made by the fists of his hands that never clean
I am the river he steps over on his kitchen floor
Spilt by a bottle he used to drink away his dreams

I am the collared shirt at the back of his closet
That his mother gifted him when he went away.
I am the tag on the shirt and the noose around his neck
Waiting for him to admit he is not okay.

I'm only me
When the lights have gone out,
The eyes have closed,
When the temptations give in
And no one else is there
To witness it

Then I can finally crawl
Out of the walls I've built
Around my fragile bones
And seek the night
Like an old friend

When my thoughts echo through my skull
Driving me to think and do
What's rejected all around
And I finally feel free
I finally feel like me

When my opinions run wild

I do not know
What I feel for her
But if it is something more
Than what I wish for it to be
May I forever remain
Dissatisfied

She’s not worth your tears

They’re more than sad salt water
They are the raw symbolism of your most vulnerable state

Don’t show that to someone who will abuse it, darling.
Don’t show them to her.

my existence is spent
pondering over life
as if it is only thought of
but never lived

I am surrounded by the beautiful -
By sweet smiles and soft laughs,
By boys and girls who love each other
And could love me if I stepped into
Their Circle

But I can't step in.

I am trapped on the outskirts,
Close enough that I know what I'm missing
But too far to feel what they feel.
Some stragglers creep to the corners of the Circle
And try to speak to me

But I can't respond.

I want to be with the people who know
That others mean something.
I want to be with the beautiful people,
And feel warmth in my ties to others.
I want them to grab me and pull me in

But I can't let them try.

I think there is a reason I am Outside of the Circle.
If I overcame the barrier of my own refusal
I would bring ugliness to the beautiful.
I would pollute the hearts of those who love
By my own which cannot care.

Sometimes

I feel

The world and it's rough edges

I feel the pain it carries in its heart,

And I can tell you

That it is the best feeling ever

As I believe

That pain is an art.