Sometimes there are no words

I ran and asked the ghost woods
How much to be free
Tell me what is
And what was

Hurt me with dead words
Make a prison without love

How much to be free

There is no sacrifice
No limbs for shelter
Show them what is
And what was
Show them how to surrender

I ran and asked the ghost woods
How much to be free

Let’s all just fight
About nothing and everything
Use words that make us feel smart
And shout so loud we look stupid
But all we hear is our own voice
Drowning out reason because
Our brains are soaked in self indulgence
Self inflicted destruction

Cancel culture is killing us

Rose colored lenses
Half hearted defenses
Selfish dreams
Bitter lies
Guilty
There are no words
I’ll ride into another world
If only in my mind
Androgyny
Color blind
I’ve been this way for such a long time
I’m tired of waiting for the rest to catch up

No words
For over a year
There is no feeling
Numb to hate
Numb to anger
Numb to fear
Darkness descends
My mind fades and disappears
None of it matters
Time repeats
The mind deletes
The masses rise
Like the tides ebb and flow
The moon phases
The earth shakes
The cancer grows
Faith dwindles
Hearts break
And no one knows
No one knows

You try to steal happiness
like money from a bank
You don’t hide your face
You have no shame
I’m a pin cushion
You keep sticking those needles
Trying to find the mine
That is my heart
So you can squeeze it in your hands
Or rip it apart
Do whatever you want to me
You’ve already done the worst to yourself

You let your demons be known
You gave them names
And made them your home
I stared while most looked away
I dove in so deep
I nearly drowned
And when I caught my breath
Heartache was all I found
I had to send my demons away
But sometimes they whisper
Come out and play
You don’t understand who I’ve become
We’re on different levels
Though neither has won
I could sit next to you
And still know what to say
I visit you in my mind
But I never stay

Without meaning
It’s all really just a bunch of chaos
Are we all science projects designed to hurt each other?
Little ecosystems with layers of hurt
Revenge, rage and dirt
Our history repeats itself
and we deserve our demise
We fight for the right to ******
our mistakes for a reality that is easier
The creature comforts make us beasts
that squabble and squander
I have been given a heart
A mind
A conscious
I have feelings, dreams
We are all beings with beginnings
Hardships grow like roots from a seed
And flowers can bloom along with the weeds
But I cannot control the hearts of others
Is life easier without meaning?
I refuse to believe it’s all just the toss of a coin

Give me little pieces of laughter
and stained glass hearts
We are mosaics of color
hurt by broken shards
that we glue together
Like bits of tiny stars
Give me pieces of patience
and hope measured in yards
Give me the fire that transforms
us into what we are

Dilute us down
Delude us too
The solvent isn’t solving anything
Only making us lose
We are water and bone
Soul and unknown
Chemicals compound
Then break and disbound
Solutions splattered
Spineless tattered
Our volumes broken
Experimental fools

I try to remember yesterday
When I thought about tomorrow
All the paths in front of me
with dreams I could borrow
I longed to be limitless and perfect in my sorrow

Will I regret my collage of memories
when the lights go out
will I sell myself a story
a novella of nothing
so I can avoid human doubt

No one knows
But some believe
Round and round
When it’s your turn
you let go and leave

When you know
and you don’t speak
that evil dilutes
your truth
Eroding
Decaying
People are pawns
Someday the Queen will fall
And when the kingdom is made of bones
there will only be dust for you to stick your head into

I can slap you with words

or recite the most seductive soliloquy
you've ever heard

these talents are hidden in a trap door
kept in a room where I hide
my heart's core

It's a secret treasure
not meant to be disturbed
if you rattle the cage
you'll feel the purge

and my judgement will be deserved

I can help you realize your dreams

Tell you the course the action
plot the star chart
to things unseen

my moral navigator is set
to detect what others don't always see

forever observing
serving
hoping
yearning
for the heart of humanity

Luxury versus necessity
makes man a commodity
Sell your soul to reach a goal
Then parade around
a show for all
The rats race each other and fall

Vanity versus humility
makes man a monstrosity
the robots are built beautiful ugly
they shine and blind the eyes
but rust within
a devil's disguise

Frenzy versus responsibility
makes man a fatality
We **** each other in effigy
raising our causes on pedestals of mass stupidity

Responsibility
Accountability
These are foreign words for blind eyes and deaf ears
We have gadgets to make our lives better
Where is the soul tracker?
The humane bit?
It's his fault, his problem
We have no common sense

We don't care who we step on as long as we come out on top
We hurt ourselves in the long run
Running circles that never stop

We are hamsters on a wheel and the universe laughs at us

Certain things matter
Most do not
Movements in the water
Tsunamis of the heart
Global rubble
Mind junk
People focus on themselves
Not each other
Earthquakes in the dark
Certain things matter
Angry ants storming the hill
Blind bees swarming the hive
We are natural disasters
And create our own demise

So I know how to string words together
like You-and-I
and Hello-and-Goodbye
and Laugh-In-Joy-and-Inevitably-Cry

Who-Cares

The altruistic traveler
Will always circle worlds
But will never find a home

Bleed out or
Bleed into one
Some have served their time
Some have just begun
We keep fighting
But no war has been won
Bleed out or
Bleed into one

Shout out or
Scream that it's done
Some read the signs
Some bite their tongues
White noise can be silenced
with a gun
Shout out or
Scream that it's done

Bleed out or
Bleed into one
Some are left behind
Some don't know how to run
Cover their eyes
Black out the sun
Bleed out or
Bleed into one

And when he looks down upon us
Can any say they were justified
and they won?

My heart bleeds out and is done

Blessed are the meek
For they shall inherit the earth
Turn the other cheek
Know what it's worth
Hold on to the sails
And weather the storm
Take a chance to fail
So new ideas may be born

Judge not lest ye be judged
Breathe deep let go of the grudge
Open hearts
Open minds
More meaning to start
Less empty goodbyes
Evolution
Not revolution
My hopes for humankind

what if
everything
I've
ever done
was supposed
to lead
me
to
you
what if
the questions
don't matter
but the
answers
do
what if
I just
let go
of the
past
because
the future
is in
view
what if
I stop
holding
on to
an idea
and accept
what I
already
knew

I told you

I know what you know

Even though it hurt

But you don't know what I know

And never will

the Machine that is me
is a little twisted
the cogs overwork themselves
creating production pods of hurt
wires get crossed
my mouth glitches
and spArks fly

when I die
maybe I can ask why
I'm defeCtive
placed here to suffer

I could put my trust in god
or in the motHer
I could look to the stars above
like the old models
did they have it any better?

take your pill
just get greased
talk about baseball
polItics
moNey
be a good machine

I'd rather rust and rot and fall asleep
my machine is brokEn
or this world is

Why aren't I writing?
Meaning
I am meaning
There's no meaning
Though I am bleeding
Hurt comes and goes
Holds me close
But it doesn't penetrate my soul
no one can hurt me
I am already broken
But I want to write

the days are generic like cheap beer
fade in and out and disappear
I drink them down
like they are
champagne and caviar dreams
these days
nothing is as it seems
I just expect
the rub
the bruise
the burn
the wisest fool
with nothing to learn
I hold out my heart
it's right here on my sleeve
such a
pretty
useless
silly thing
there is no new thing that is under the sun
another beer and the day is done

What did I do today?
Not enough
I didn't pray
I sat in a bar and wasted my life away
I didn't think about helping anyone but me
I am human and living in dichotomy
I don't want to write
I don't want to be a poet
I want to be ignorant of this world though I know it
What did I do today?
Nothing and everything
It ends the same way
The sun goes down
My eyes close and the world sleeps in its sin
The sun comes up
And I ask myself this question again

*** for tat
I'll do this if you do that
We could just do what's right but who needs that?
It doesn't come with a celebrity swag bag.
It doesn't come with bells and whistles and bedazzled strings
Just silly things like hope and faith and humanity
*** for tat
We're all ******* ***** and scratching backs
And looking the other way
And having no shame
And playing the game
And losing ourselves while we make our name.

The capacity for love
I'm filled with it
It's in my every bone
It's in my every move
It hits on every nerve
It's in everything I do

And with so much love
there is so much hurt.

Blood and bone
We are all just masks bleeding
Truth unknown
The skeletal is not differential
But what it means to be human hurts
We are eclipsed by doubt
Insecurity
Jealousy
Hemorrhaging frailty
Drops of vital mental anguish

What have we become?
we trust and depend on no one
we just think about ourselves
we are all offended and blaming someone else
like savages choosing sides
throwing insults and thumping signs
internet surfing and asking life's meanings
Where is God?
Who is Becky?

you are different
I must hate you
I am perfect
I am special

hours turn into days
days into years

there is no breathing when you are living fear

we are different but feel the same pain

inside that toilet stall we all **** the same

We've sent each other over 8,000 messages.
Some were silly.
Some were sweet.
Some were boring.
Some turned me on like crazy.
Some really made me insanely angry.
But I can't bring myself to hit delete.

The heart wants what the heart wants and my heart wants you.

The brain knows what the brain knows and my brain speaks truth.

My heart has taken over.
I'm on autopilot.
And you're the fuel.

The heart wants what the heart wants.
I'm going to crash and burn.
I let go of the wheel.

The heart wants what the heart wants.
It ignores truth.
The heart wants what the heart wants.
I'm crashing over you.

When does ambition become greed?
When does need become self-indulgence?
When does therapy become whining?
We all want to be special.

Pretty Perfect Life Entrepreneurs.

Is it really human nature to not accept what we are?
An idealist can never handle problems that are hard.
A narcissist sees no problem at all.
And we all become recycled trash in a philosophical junkyard.

I know you want to break my armor
You want to see me cry
You want to see me suffer
You think I should have to answer to karma

You can keep pounding on my border
hoping to find a break in the exterior
My heart is sometimes paper thin
But you will never get in

You will never win

I stopped pretending to love you
when you became a monster

It's all or nothing
There is no happy medium
There is no lucky normal
It's not one or two dimensional
It's intergalactic existential
My mind is a spinning universe
Imploding with each new scenario

And I know you didn't mean to hurt my feelings

head trauma
a finale to the played out drama
the bandages are about to come off
and you can't make it stop
you will have to look at what's underneath
the person you were fine with leaving to sleep

sad sleeping beauty
trapped in a cocoon of misery

she took back her hope
and now the fallout is going to make you choke
the fat lady's singing "that's all she wrote"
I won't suffer anymore of your
head trauma
sick games twisted plays fear and barter
the cuts have healed the burn has peeled
I've been reconstructed to let myself feel
and I don't have to deal with you
any longer

A lone observer I am
But in my mind
In my head
There are more colors than can ever be counted
And I paint pictures of you

All I want is something real
All I want is to let myself feel
Pain was pivotal
almost spiritual
Thrown from one end of the spectrum
a reparative reawakening has begun
I'm done with black and white
and lost and alone in achromatic fight
my mental bruises were self-portraits of masochistic injury
And you healed them when you touched me
All I want is something real
All I want is to let myself feel
Pain was crucial
now hope is essential
I let you see me
someone I don't always let myself see
and now I'm not scared to be seen

You turned me on
and turned me out
I felt more
in less than twenty-four
I'm chasing a ghost
I should forget
and just block you out
Black and white
versus color and light
I'm left alone
in cold monotone
You turned me on
and turned me out
Like a lost planet
spinning about
I want to scream
I want to shout
I want to fight with God above
**Why did the universe show me love?

He surprised me with flowers
The way I felt about him was already a surprise
Like finding home and being welcomed inside
Calming like lavender
His smile made me feel sunny yellow
He held me in warm orange
that turned deep red like a rose
He let me go before the flowers wilted
Another surprise
I've never hated flowers before.

You're like a tidal wave
Knocking me down
Pushing me against sharp rocks
Like a sick drug I crave
I don't mind it beating my insides up
Deeper and darker
How far do the waves go
There is no bottom
It's just deeper and darker
You push harder
My heart races
I wait for it to explode
It's just deeper and darker
Let's go farther
I think I'll just drown
Deeper and darker
No more judgments
No more sound

I have no heart
It's been chewed up
and spit out
****** up and torn out
Blood flow cut off
Veins broken and blackened
No beats
Dead meat
I have no heart
How am I still alive?

Control

You don't have it
But won't let go
You made me less than a person
Bullied and belittled
Just a dumb whispering girl

You took my spark
You killed my heart
You fed on me
I was a zombie
with no control

You hate that I got it back
and I'll never it let go

blurring a line
defining an edge
I have to find a way
to make my colors blend
I'm only happy
when I'm me
and my canvas is black with complexity
I draw the lines
straight and clean
but sometimes that isn't
what is seen
blurring a line
defining an edge
I am alive through my pen
I work on my portrait endlessly
my cells are words
my blood a river of poetry
an unfinished work
an oeuvre of me