have you ever believed
in something so blindly
so genuinely
that the moment you realize
it isn't true, something inside you
changes forever?
i wanna tell you a story, see
seldom do i ever
go swimming in drinks
deep enough to drown in
but when i do
i speak in tongues
about things that none
of my memories
are allowed to talk about
like that christmas
at the isthmus
where my girlfriend
plucked a conch shell
whiter than gods teeth
out of the sand
held it to her ear
and stopped time
that day she was a shade of blue
the could've made the ocean sick
see, she loved to play jokes
when she held
the sea shell to her ear
she gasped, called my name
and said "i want you to hear this"
i said "yeah, right, everybody knows it's just the same old sea"
she replied "no. not this one. this one is special. listen. theres music in this one"
she handed me the shell
like a promise she couldn't keep
and i held it to my ear
with all the potential
of seeing shore
after being stranded
at sea for years
only to hear
a tired dirge of silence
spill from its emptiness
i guess she didn't know
how desperately
i wanted to hear it too
because ever since
something inside me snapped
now sand pours out
of every post card i open
i hear seagulls
in telephone static
sometimes i have dreams
where i bury my hands
in every beach
i've ever been on
and exhume this graveyard of noise
every time i try to sleep
i spit up fishhooks
and i guess i'm obsessed
but maybe
if i hold my ear
to enough vacant things
then i could have back
the time stolen from me
since it happened
maybe they would get it
if they knew what i wanted
when i blow out birthday candles
maybe they'll find me
face down in a wishing well
i watch eternal sunshine
of the spotless mind every day
pretending i can forget too
because this sea sickness
has followed me for years
because yesterday
i walked into a music shop
and all the pianos broke
but the only thing
i can think to say is
*do you know how bad
a memory has to be
that you fantasize
about forgetting it?

you got a fast car
i want a ticket to anywhere
maybe we can make a deal
maybe together
we can get somewhere
anyplace is better
starting from zero
got nothing to lose
maybe we'll make somethin
me myself i got nothin to prove

i've been wondering
when it stops
people say it stops
when you want it to
but how do i tell that
to my dreams
when all i can think about
is running up to kiss you
in the parking lot of anywhere
it makes me wanna drink
and say everything
like sometimes i think about
what it would've been like
if i had let you go
when i
was still strong enough to do it
like i never knew hell
had such a pretty voice
like i tried to make it all day
without saying
"wish you were here"
like lately i've been going back
to all the places we've been
to see what it's like without you
it is the worst game
of hide & seek
every time i close my eyes
to count
you just go home
i seem to only wear my seat belt
on days you call
on days you're all *never been better
and i just wanna tell you
how much I hate window shopping
and daylight goodbyes
you just sit there
when you could say anything
you could tell me
you noticed i started drinking again
you could even make it up
you could say you miss me, too
you could say
you missed me so much
that the other day
you accidentally bought
two coffees instead of one
you could tell me
how you've been
without me
that you sleep so much better
these days
without having to worry
you can say what you have
to just don't say leaving
was like shooting fish in a barrel
cause i swear i'm nostalgic
for things i pretended were real
and i swear
i don't want a seance
until there's something
worth bringing back
take me back
to all the places i tried to love you
back to a time
where i knew my name  
without you having to say it

*you got a fast car
is it fast enough
so we can fly away
you gotta make a decision
leave tonight
or live & this way

how I can be ****** back in
to the old ways of abuse
when I know nothing good will come
from you
from me
from both of us
yet I feel the sparkling fire that burns
and it only burns for you
I need you to blow it out
extinguish my flame
before it sets my whole body on fire
then there will be nothing left to do
but follow you
I need you more than I thought I did or didn't
when I tell you I love you
you tell me you like being with me
nothing will ever add up
but everything will subtract
I have thought I reached the end plenty
somehow you reel me back into your grasp
your warm embrace filled with connectivity
as if our hearts are hugging
not our bodies

the feeling you get when you finally find a parking space but forget change for the meter.
the frustration.
the desperation.
the feeling you get when someone brings up a name you were trying so hard to forget.
the nostalgia.
the familiar lonely ache.
the feeling of being stuck in bed with the flu.
the hopelessness.
the craving of sweet relief.
the feeling of missing someone and wishing for them to surprise you at home.
the longing.
the worthlessness.
they will never show up.
at least not at the right time.

the feeling of change.
leaving and going.
departure and arrival.
the distinct difference between the two.
you are merely at the line of division.

the feeling of getting closure.
the final thoughts.
the misconstrued thoughts.
the war in your head.
the way the emotions don't add up.
they don't subtract either.
only multiply.

the feeling of being stuck in purgatory.
yet here you are.
somehow still tangible for people to touch.
to throw away.
to destruct.
the feeling of loving.
the feeling of losing.
the misconceptions of both.
the basic rules they break.
how everything is unjust,
all you see are excuses.
how someone can string you along,
only needing you for comfort.
how it can be unknown.

the feeling of not being able to let it go,
or even to let it be.
being lonesome around others.
how pathetic you feel.
the way people glare at you.
how they don't actually see you.
you feel ghostly,
and ended up being so.

decisions you are not allowed to make,
according to your own self.
how no matter how much you unleash with tears,
there's still more.

i'm the man drinking coffee alone at the diner who kindly asks you for the time. you reply but you don't even look at me in my eyes.
i'm the lone deer you hit while driving at 3am. you don't even stop the car. you even forgot about it the next day.
i'm the homeless cat you stopped feeding at night. i still meow at your doorstep. you just ignore it.

you said you can read me like a book
but you won't tell me what my pages say, or how many there are,
what my chapters are titled, if they even are titled
i want to know
who my introduction mentions,
what my author's note says,
and who helped me with the theme
but honestly, please
at least tell me about the chapter where you appear
just let me know if it ends well

who the hell are you?
how did you appear in my life,
and sweep me away with your inviting eyes
fed me pleasure and warmth
left me high and dry,
puzzled and craving more
of your attention and gaze
your laugh to be directed to me
maybe you could put your hands on my waist again
or around my neck
it feels brand new to me and i'm sorry,
that i almost back away each time
this is probably all my fault
i question if i'm the confusing one
or if he is
but i'd put money on him in a heartbeat