The boys I loved
Were all the same.

They were sweet,
But in rations.

They were unreliable.
They were undependable.
They were momentary.

I clung to my share of time,
And wondered when I would find someone
Who wouldn’t disappoint me.

One day I realized:
That I am reliable.
That I am dependable.
That I am permanent.

I realized,
That the only person who could never disappoint me,
Was me.

Here I am,
Trapped in this small town
That seems so big
But feels so small.
I’m suffocating under the pleasantries,
Surrounded by people who could give less of a **** about me
Or themselves,
Trying to drown in whatever it is
Just so they can feel again.
“There are greater places than this”
Is what they sing
With ragged vocal chords,
A bottle of quality ***** in one hand.
Sure,
There are greater places than this
But we don’t seem to be
*******
Going
Anywhere.

Someone once told me,
How loneliness doesn’t really go away.
Instead it settles deep in your bones
Creating a home in the cracks,
So that you barely realize it’s there.

I understand now what they meant.

Because tonight,
The Stars have gone cold
And the familiar ache
Wraps around my soul like ivy.

Tonight,
I see no color.

Tonight,
I am alone.

Honeymoon phase
The line itself tastes like champagne
Bubbling off your ******* shower of stars.
It brings fluttering memories
Of body heat like a tropical storm.
But when did it change?
When did starlight
Turn into crystal tears
The laughter that bounced off the walls
Leaves an empty echo in my ears.
There is a phantom feeling in my chest
Of a heart that used to race.

It's quiet now.

That's the funny thing about life
For all the living we want to do
It somehow gets in its own way
In the form of half-minded texts
And missed calls.

The love is still there,
Just forgetful.

Girls like you have taken down empires.
A man would be nothing to you.

One day, I’ll be gone from this place.
That’s when you’ll wish your words had been flowers rather than knives.

You told me you liked the way my eyes sparkled when I entered the room. I didn't have the heart to tell you it was always for you.

Your eyes met mine and I swear my heart still hasn't recovered.

You were laughing at all the words I spoke
And my heart was startled out of its shell,
Unused to the sound of unapologetic laughter.
Suddenly,
I was a glutton for the half notes that fell out of your mouth,
Attracted to this music that hid just behind your teeth
And mingled in your vocal chords.

She is anything but tame.
She is a wild storm that people would ****
To get caught in.

I have burned

And burned

And burned

Until I was nothing but ashes

And yet you still looked down and said:

"Not good enough."

Let me be your work of art.
Trace my lines with your fingers,
Sketch me out roughly with your lips,
Color me in with kisses --
Breathe life into my hollow body
With your sighs.
Mold me into your masterpiece.
My body is your willing canvas:
To burn
To carve
To fill
Do what you will with me
But when you’re done,
I hope you tell your friends
That out of all your creations
I was your favorite.

It’s been 3 years,
And I feared that my heart had forgotten
The feeling of being whole.

But now my blood flows a little faster,
My breathing comes easier,
And my heart doesn’t skip at your name.

You’ve turned into a faded photograph,
Buried deep under sepia tones and new memories
Of a boy with strong arms,
And long fingers
Whose laugh makes my chest clench
In the best of ways.

He holds the promise of something new,
With music on his breath
And a song in his eyes.

I’ve realized I have the world at my fingertips.
For so long,
I have watched you cling to your sapphires and gold
But now,
I’ve found my own treasure:
I’ve found myself.
Now,

I’m free.

When I was 8,
I went to the funeral
Of a distant aunt I never knew.
Death and grief were concepts foreign to me,
But when I saw her lying there,
Surrounded by flowers,
I kissed her marble cheek
And cried.

When I was 11
My mother got a call in the middle of the night
From 10, 000 miles away
In a place that smelled like mangoes and coconuts.
She was crying so hard,
That all my dad and I could do was pet her hair
As she said over and over,
“I’m an orphan now.”

In the summer of my 15th year,
My cousin had a personality that filled every crevice in a room
With a voice as commanding as waterfall cascades.
But she was so small as we sat in her car
Her voice quiet
As she told me that she lost the baby.
“I wonder if it was a boy or a girl.”
She gave birth to a beautiful boy two years later,
But sometimes when no one is looking,
I still see her place a hand over her stomach.

16 years old
And my best friend sparkled amid glass beakers and diagrams.
Who knew that behind her goggles were tired eyes
And “I want to die” were ringed around her wrists,
Each one marking a day she almost did, but didn’t.
“I’m too much of a coward to do it.”
She had said to me.
“But it feels like I’m already dead.”

I was 17
When I sat on my friend’s porch
A spring breeze playing in our hair,
One of the warmest days we’ve experienced since the cold touch of winter.
But she was wrapped up in blankets and shivering
As I held her hand.
“I’m 16, and I don’t have a mom anymore.”
Her smile was as bitter as the coffee I had brought her,
Red eyes staring blankly at anything
But the silver bangles that glittered in the sun.

They always talk about
How death is only bad for the people left behind.
But I wonder how it must feel
To watch those you love deteriorate
Without the power to tell them,
“I’m okay.”

I plucked the rose petals from your lips,
Ignoring the barbed thorns that bit into my skin
Every time you smiled.

I’m jealous.
Oh my god, I’m jealous.
You were crafted from stars and infused with galaxies,
And it’s human nature to fall in love with the universe.
They look at you and see secrets they itch to unravel.
I’m not bitter.
I mean,
Who could fall in love with the breeze,
When there’s a chance for stardust to stain their lips?

No matter how many cups of coffee I drink,
It's still not enough to take away the bitter taste you left in my mouth.

You can’t make me forget someone I don’t care enough to remember.

I make dangerous decisions at 2AM,
Like falling in love or telling all my secrets.

I have come here for my kingdom,
And you shall watch me conquer.

Even in empty doorways and dusty corners,
I still manage to find pieces of you.

I knew he loved her when I saw that he looked at her when she spoke and not at the screen.

There was a boy who could have ripped my sky apart and my earth in half, and I still would've given him the sun.

I don't care
If every word that rolls of your lips is a lie.
I don't care
If your kisses are laced with sweet poison
That will leave me weak and aching in the morning
I don't care
If the heat of your body can only be mine
For a minute
For an hour
For a night
I will relish every moment I have you
And your lips will burn marks into my skin
That I'll feel long after you've gone
And I don't care
Because for the briefest of moments
I was completely yours.

For the first time in a long time,
I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe.
My chest hurt in the best ways,
My sides ached,
And my breathing wasn’t ragged from the endless onslaught of tears.
I had forgotten how nice it was
To sit on a couch next to someone and feel their body heat through your clothes,
settling in your skin.

But you loved him, didn’t you?
You loved and you loved and you loved
Until all the love just emptied out of you,
So now you’re just a shell.
Stupid girl.
You were so busy being in love
That you forgot to love yourself first.

‘Be careful of the Devils’ they caution with shaking hands and fevered eyes
But what of the Angels
With their slick smiles
And golden wings

Gabriel stands alone in the ruins of a forgotten garden,
The ancient word for Paradise clenched in his fist,
Impassive eyes watching the rest of the world
Which has seemed to forgotten,
That it was his sword of flame
That drove our ancestors out with seared flesh,
Consigning us to our cage of sorrow and sin.

Michael is resplendent in his armour of stars,
“One who is like God”, we call him
Our own sense of irony lost on us.
It was his strength that delivered us from Lucifer himself.
No one remembers
That the Morning Star was once an angel too,
Who shone just as bright:
Michael’s own beloved comrade,
Who feared the earth and flames.
We punish Lucifer for wanting to be like God,
To follow his soldier of a kin.
But what about the fact that Michael looked his brother in the eye,
Snapped his wings,
And condemned him to fire
As he fell?

Oh, beautiful Raphael,
Whose time on earth tainted his angel flesh,
Did they really stand a chance against you
When you burned so brightly in the dark?
Who could resist an angel?
What of the daughters you took to your bed,
Leaving them nothing but a handful of feathers in the morning,
Midnight promises bitter ash in their mouths,
Something in them broken beyond repair,
Brought about by the touch of a being whose hands were made to heal.

And the countless others,
Whose names have been lost in time and tongues,
Who cut us down in the name of God,
Arrows loosed from their fingers,
Uncaring of where they fell.
Who atones for the sins against those mortals
With too keen of eyes
Catching sight of so terrible a glory,
That the images of halos haunt them even in purgatory.
'Be careful of the Devils’, yes, that much is true.
But many people forget to tell you,
‘Be careful of the Angels’, too.