Only four more days until it starts again
A new hell
Filled with new people

I can't wait to see all the eyes
Judge me from head to toe
I hate new people

They give you one look
And think they know
Everything

But in reality
They don't know
Anything

There was blood on his face
Around his mouth
Blood was surrounding all of him

He had his eyes closed
His shirt was ripped open
He didn't breath

They tried to help him
They tried to save his life
They tried to make him come back

The people around him could't stop looking
Neither could I driving past sitting in the bus
And it stopped there forcing me to look at him

The blood
The open shirt
The closed eyes

I saw a man die today....

I don't know what to write
I'm tired
Of everything
They say I look so happy
I'm tired
Little do they know
I've trained my appearance
To be the opposite of my
Mind and my soul
I'm tired
You look happy
Well darling the answer is simple
There is a war going on inside of me

How do you greet a stranger,
With a simple hello
or with a loving hug

How do you treat a former friend,
Bringing up ancient memories
or creating new ones

Well
It's been a while

How's Everything been?
Are things better now
or are you still struggling?

How do you say your farewell
With a simple goodbye
or with a light kiss and teary Eyes

I hope you are okay
or at least that you are still hoping
For that happy ending

Well
it's been a while

I'm still here
I still Believe in you
I hope you do too

Born to live
Born to die
Born to be high
Born to fly
Born to drown
Born to be let down
Born to fight
Born to be the light
Born to find
Born to be kind

Born to be me
Born to be free

'' So how many more sessions do you think we need?''

A question I thought would never be asked
I don't allow myself to think bad thoughts
I have my  knights in shining armour around me
Fighting off those bad thoughts with silver swords

'' I don't know...?''

She was always my saving grace
The one who kept me on the ground
Even when I wanted to fly away
My fluffy pink pillow with cotton candy scent

'' I'm thinking 10 more sessions ''

She is going to leave me
Alone with these thoughts
Alone with my emotions
Alone with my demons

''... Okay''

I've been in therapy every week
for almost a year
She did so much to help me
get rid of the monsters under my bed
and the devils inside of my head

'' You will be fine''

I'm not good at being on my own
I need someone to hold my hand
Guide me when there is no sunlight
Help me rebuild my castle when the walls break

''Sure''

Who am I going to be
Without a hand to hold
Without my knights
Without her

*I am scared to find out

She tried so hard to help
She knew that Death was something
Only Life could bring

She knew she probably did not
Change anything
She new that maybe she just made it worse

She tried really hard to believe that this
Was her purpos in life
She wanted to keep people away from Death

She wanted to bring people to life
Maybe because she was hollow
She was already dead inside

She did not want to see other people like that
What if she wasn't good enough to help
She wanted to keep people alive but maybe

She just made them more hollow
She might have given them strenght
Not the way she wished to

She might have made them strong
Not in the way that would make their word colorful
But strong enough to disappear

She would always be an empty shell
She would always be a Heartless soul
She would always be a Colorblind ghost

The sky is empty
Just like my soul

The moon is half
Just like my heart

The stars are gone
Just like my mind

The night is cold
Just like my eyes

Tonight I want to follow Peter Pan
Second star to the right, straight on 'till morning

I got there crying.
You took me in your arms asking

Honey what's wrong
What's wrong
I'm here talk to me
Sweetheart what's going on


My tears were suffocating me
I couldn't speak the words

You gave me a kiss on the forehead
Honey what's wrong
Tell me what's going on
Hugging me tightly

My body wasn't still
I was shaking

You let me cry still holding me
How can I help
Is there anything I can do
What's wrong

I love you
But I want to breakup

You let go of me
You just stare at me
No no no no no
You start crying

That's how I ended it
How I killed what used to be us

I'm drunk
You are drunk too
All I wanna do
Is get lost in the eyes that belongs
To you
But you don't look at me
You don't care
So this is why I'm gonna share
I'm sharing this because I don't
Want another person to fall in love
With someones
Eyes
Without knowing their heart
Or their mind
Please don"t fall in love
I'm drunk

You keep me up at night
I don't mind waiting
And watch the sun as it fills the world with light

You keep me up at night
I don't mind waiting
I just want us to end this fight

You keep me up at night
I don't mind waiting
When you are here everything shines so bright

You keep me up 'til 3 in the morning
I don't mind waiting
Because my life without you is so boring

You keep me up 'til 3 in the morning
I don't mind waiting
Please don't just leave me without a warning

I...



It doesn't matter.

The truth is
There is no such thing as shortcuts
When it comes to beauty

The secret is in the word itself
Be You
That the only way to find beauty

It doesn't matter how much makeup
You put on your face
It doesn't matter how good you are at
Faking smiles
It doesn't matter how you dress
It doesn't matter how you laugh
It doesn't matter how you talk

None of this matters if you aren't
You
The true beauty shows when you
Stop caring
When you stop caring about what other
Poeple thinks about
You
And you start to care about what
You
Feel about yourself
When you feel good about yourself
You
Will be the most beautiful person
Alive

I haven't written much since I met you
Because I've had no reason to
Most people including myself write when they are sad, angry, depressed, confused.
Since I met you I haven't felt any of that
I was thinking about the fact that I miss writing
Even though it's never anything good
Or anything even worth reading
But I miss it
And just like that
You gave me a reason to write again
So... Thank you?

So cold and hard
Gives the deepest and darkest thoughts
The right directions to your heart
Your mind
And your soul

So wild and unwanted
Gives your nightmare space
In reality
It makes everything real
It makes everything come to life

So loud and sad
Gives the word pain a new meaning
Let you remember why
It makes you never forget
It forces you to always remember

So dark and painful
It keeps you up
It's knocking on your door
Invites itself in
And there it stays
Making your life
A living hell

So run
Run
Run
Run
Before it is too late
Before the rain has soaked you
Run
Before it drowns you
In your own mind

One minute it rains
Next minute the sky is blue and there is sunshine
An hour later there is a thunderstorm

The weather has been crazy today
I'm starting to think that maybe it tries to be like my
Feelings

The weather Gods tries to show me what my head
Would look like if someone opened it
There would be

Rain
Lightning
Thunder

When all that is over
They would also show me
The most beautiful thing I have ever seen

A big
Bright colorful rainbow
And a perfectly cloud-free sky

It's your favorite flower
But still it doesn't have the power
To compare to your beauty

It has beautiful colors
But it doesn't show all your sorrows
It's isn't as multi colored as you are

You are my favourite star
But the dalia doesn't show what a lovely person you are
Even though you have got this far
There is a lot of things you have left to become a true silver star

You are my inspiration
You are my fascination

But most of all you are the one who made me who I am
My dalia loving Mother
Thank you

Another night without stars
I can't stop wondering where they are

I feel empty tonight

Maybe my soul is lost
Maybe my heart is surrounded by frost

I feel empty tonight

What is wrong with the world?
Why is it that we all do things
We end up regretting
But we still keep doing them
Over
And
Over?

Will we ever learn that what we do or say
Can change someone's way of
Thinking
When they see us everyday?
That we hurt the ones we love
Only because of our own minds playing
Tricks on us

Why is it that we only face other people's
Mistakes
And just overlook our own?
We don't want to feel worse than we already do
So why is it okay to make someone
Feel like that too?

I lost myself when you found her
I was living on a hope
I was hoping you wouldn't realize who I was
I was hoping you wouldn't see me
Not the way I truly am

Ugly
Disgusting
Scared

When you finally saw me
The real me you did what everybody was waiting for
You ran away and never looked back

You didn't look back at the heart
Broken shattered in a million pieces
You didn't look back at the tears
You didn't look back to see the scars you created
You didn't look back to see me

I don't like to be close to people
I can't handle the feeling of people touching me
I don't want people to touch any part of skin
That belongs to me

Still I would do almost anything to sleep next to you
Just one night
Nothing more than sleep together
I would give so much to fall asleep holding your hand

Sleeping next to someone is something I hate
I hate the feeling of having someones warm body
So close to my own
But that is all I wish to do with you

This is all new to me
I don't want to sleep alone
I don't want someone to hold me
I just want you there with me holding my hand

Please don't make me sleep alone
I'm scared

You know that feeling
When it feels like you're actually
Going to die
Literally like there is no air
For your lungs to breath

You know that feeling
When it feels like you're actually
Ripping apart
Literally like your heart
Is breaking

You know that feeling
When it feels like you're actually
Crying
Literally waterfalls from your eyes
But you don't

The truth is
When it feels like you're dying
When it feels like you're crying
That's means it all done

The truth is
You've already used up all those tears
There are none left to cry
You want to but you can't

The truth is
You have already died
You died when no one listened
Even when you tried to explain

07.41 am
Have you ever been
Woken by your anxiety?
It knocks on your door
Won't stop banging until you let it in.
Two hours of sleep
That's how long it would leave me.
You know that feeling
When you just feel the need to cry,
Like it would be refreshing,
healing in some way?
I want to do that
But there are no tears.
They don't want to clean my eyes.
They don't want me
To see things clearly.
I think I might be going insane...

I want someone to find me
Someone who'll look at me
And just know

Without any questions that need answers
And without knowing anything
Still embrace everything

I want someone to find me
Someone who will make me feel less lost
Just take my hand

Show me the world
And I will be yours
Until you don't want me

When that day comes
I promise you that I will be gone
So don't worry

I don't have to see your face all the time
But honestly I never do that when I'm at home either

To know that you hate me so much that you can't even
Look at me

To know that you hate me so much that you can't even
Stop yourself from screaming whenever you decide to say something

There is no point in staying here
But no point in going home either

Wouldn't it just be easier
If I didn't do any of it

If I had a gun
Would I dare to pull the trigger to make you happy?

I dream of oceans
The cold and blue yet so welcoming
I dream of being alone
Being anonymous in a new city
In a new world
I dream of leaving
Maybe closer to the coral reefs
Maybe further from you
I dream of happiness
The pure satisfaction of hearing waves crash onto the shore
I dream of you
How you haunt me and I can't escape
I dream of oceans
How they could make me disappear so easily

I'm scared
My life turns into a blur
Everything I hear is remindes me of her
How she is so beautiful
So perfect
So loved

What about me
I would do anything to make you see
What she does to your mind
I know it's not what you want to find
I wish you could leave her behind
The same way as you left me
I know that it could never be us, we or
you and me
You were always in my dreams
In reality it was never meant to be

That's why sleep used to be so important
The only place I could say or do what I felt was in my dreams
Now I'm in way too deep
To ever get back the beauty in sleep

I want to forget
I want to forget about her
I want to forget about you
But mostly I want to forget about myself
That's why I'm scared

I saw this girl today
With the prettiest smile
And the darkest eyes

She had long black hair
And bronze skin
Her smile was perfect

She had a glow around her
And with a voice so calm
Her lips was slightly pink

This is when I started to think
Maybe angels exist?

Goodnight world
Maybe I will wake up
To the sound of the same music as I will fall asleep to
Maybe I wont wake up at all
What if I am right
Maybe that really was weird
What if you are waiting for me
Maybe the scary sounds are made by you
What if you are out there trying to get in
Maybe you know that I am alone
What if I do not wake up tomorrow
Maybe I will be gone
What if this is the last time I will hear this beautiful song
Maybe it is
What if this is just all in my head
Maybe it is

Dreams about having guns
pointed at my face
The fear in my heart and my head
must be reflecting in my eyes
the way someone can pull the trigger
once, just once
to end your life
I've had dreams where I have to run
Run from the people holding guns
tightly in their hands
ready to end my life
ready to end everything
The way their eyes are filled with hate
Filled with panic
Filled with some sort of excitement
they can't wait to hear the explosion
the sound of the bullet flying through the air
ready to hit the target
...me
Guns
Guns
Guns
Silver bullets
Black revolver
Guns
Guns
Guns

I whisper
Please don't **** me

We don't care about love
We don't care about names
We don't care about age

Tonight we only care about the feeling
Of complete happiness
Of seeing someones pretty smile with adorable dimples

We don't care about the past
We don't care about the future
We live tonight and maybe no longer than tonight

If you die tomorrow why wouldn't you kiss his pretty smile?
Tonight we don't care
And I love it

Even though it's summer
It will always be cold as the winter
As long as I'm not with you

I don't have you anymore
It's been over a year
it brings me to tears
I know you don't want me to be sad
When I think about you
You want me to smile

But I have done that for a while
I just want to hear your voice
Just one more time
I want to hear you say hello
I want to hear you say goodbye

I want to give you a hug
A light hug
It will be light because you are
Fragile
I want to tell you
I love you
And I want to tell you to be
Happy
Strong
Beautiful

Just like you always have been
I know you became an angel
The most wonderful of all angels
My angel
My beautiful angel I just want to say
Goodbye

Goodbye my angel
Sleep tight and I will always fight
Make you proud
One day I will hear you say
Hello again
It will just take some time

I'm lost
They say  
Home is where your heart is

I can feel my heart beating
Boom boom boom
But does it really exist

If I have a heart
Why don't I have a home
Why don't I ever feel like this is where I want to stay

I have a place to live
But since my heart isn't here
Then it isn't my home

Right?
I'm lost
I'll be back

I just need to find my heart first

With 100 post-it notes on the back of my door
And another 100 that I place everywhere I go
The whole city is covered in colourful post-it notes
I put them up

I write 'inspiring' quotes by my favourite authors
In the hopes of someone stopping at the sight
Of that squared little note
With my handwriting on it

And just smile and then keep on walking
And just before they go to sleep they will
Think about that little colourful note and
Decide that tomorrow is when their new
And improved life will start

And they will start with a smile on their
Face and a new warmth in their bodies
That warmth that they lost somewhere along
The way
But it came back to them from this colourful note
That is all I want
I want you to
Smile

And I want my notes to be the reason
Because then you have a reason to smile
And I will feel like I'm trying to improve
Myself
And society
By smiling

When you realize you don't belong anywhere
When you have no place to hide
No place to find love

It would be so easy to just end it all
A rope
A pill
A knife
A small little step out of the edge
That is all it takes to end it
To get out

When you realize it doesn't matter what you do
Nothing will ever satisfy them
When you can't do anything because they told you that

That is when you have to stand tall
You still have yourself
That is all that matters

Do not give up
Do not let them win
Do not disappear.

What bothers me isn't that you left
It's that you lied and said that you would never leave
All those times you told me ''I love you''
Were those just lies?

What bothers me isn't that I can't hug you
It's that you're probably already kissing someone else
All those times you held me tight while listening to Bon Iver
Were you just trying to make me feel safe?

I miss you
I miss us
I'm sorry
I...

Fat
Ugly
Weak

Those are the things
I don't want to be

Beautiful
Fit
Strong

Those are all the things
Girls are in the songs

Worthless
Insecure

I can't figure out
What for
I don't know how much more
Of this I can take

I want to be
Beautiful
Like the girls in magazines
But how much is it worth
If they only get hurt

I start to slowly float away
I don't know what belongs to
Today
Yesterday
Or
Tomorrow

So why do I feel this
Sorrow?

I have forgotten how this works
How people can form sentences
Of beauty, of magic
I'm not sure how to transform my words
And fill a blank paper with words
That gets heavy

The blank paper is much more beautiful
In some way I guess...
But the filled paper is worth much more
The filled paper is full of truth
Of honesty
Of guilt
Of pain
Of passion
Of heartache
Of bubbly feelings
Of sad mornings
Of terrible nights

All I can think about is you
I think I haven't written anything
Or to correct myself
I think that I haven't been able to write
Because I'm scared that it will turn out
To be another stupid poem about
Love

I don't need more of those
I'm fine
Thank you

3.45 am I woke up from one of them
It felt more real to me than the reality I woke up to
In my bed with sweatpants on and darkness surrounding me

Yet my dream of being in the woods
Having this guy finding me
That he let me in
It felt so real

I knew it right a away
I tried to touch his arm
Roll up the sleeve
He tried to hide it
His skinny arm with a million small blue vains
His arm filled with burn marks
Small short deep bumpy scars from a razor

It felt so real
I wanted to help him
Show him my arm
Tell him that he's not alone
Far from alone
We looked in to each others eyes
His eyes started to tear up
So did mine
When he finally relaxed
Let me drag my fingers gently up and down his arms

Reality pulled me back
From him
From who he was
I don't know him
I've never seen him
But he knows more about me than anyone
And I know more about him than anyone ever will

It was just a dream
But I have never felt more alive

It's getting
Colder
Darker

I will miss it
Just like always
I will miss you

No more
Party
Sun

There wont be
Drunk kisses with you by the sea
No more days that never turns to nights

That is what I will miss most
Days
That never ends

I woke up one of those days
One of those days with no
Birds singing in the trees
One of those days when the
Sun didn't have the strenght
To rise to the sky

On one of those days it got to me
I realize that it would never be
You
And
Me
Again

It's
You
Without
Me

I know I'm stupid
But I miss us
I miss what we used to have
Or at least what I thought we
Used to be

Is it really that bad to feel happy?
To feel like someone cares?
What's so bad with pretending for a minute?

Sure I wont see you again
Or maybe I will
But it doesn't matter if I do or don't

Is it really that bad tasting someone elses lips?
To feel like someone wants you?
What's so bad with being happy?

Sure it didn't mean anything
Or maybe it did
But it doesn't matter if it did or didn't

You made me happy that's what matters right now
I don't have enought time to care about what other people thinks
I live my life the way I want to not how others want me to live

Just like that
Without a single warning
It turned to morning
It is 4 am and I still have not got a glimpse of sleep
Because my thoughts wandered off way too deep
I function better at night
Because there is no one here to put up a fight
Why should I sleep
When I have no dreams I want to keep
Life is not better just because it's day
That is why I like the dark nights better anyway
Dark shadows under my eyes decided to stay
I wont tell them to go away
That might be the only company I will have tomorrow
So I'm not gonna put make up over it and cover my sorrow
It is still dark outside
Come with me, take my hand
Help me find a place where I can hide

I guess it's always been like that
You cry, I laugh
But tonight I hated your face

You tried to hold back the tears when you saw it
It was just one of my many scars
I started laughing

You still don't know about the rest
Or why they are on my body
Only I know that

Such a beautiful girl
With tears that runs down her pretty face
The ice blue eyes look so much colder
But yet so much more alive

And I'm responsible
An ugly face
With an even uglier smile
And a hideous laugh

You asked me why
I didn't really have an answer you'd understand
You said 'you're ruining your body'
Once again I started laughing
Feeling the tears from my own eyes creep closer

It's kind of ironic
You don't want me to ruin my body
Oh but darling it's already so broken
I'm just trying to build it up again
In a way that you would never understand

I'm sorry that you saw it
I don't want you to think that
I'm asking for help
Or that I'm weak
I'm sorry in a way that you will never understand

She tried everything

She tried to act like she was fine
She put on make up
She curled her hair the way he liked it
She put on her favorite dress
She wore those black heels
She tried so hard to make her smile look real

She tried everything
For once she felt like she wasn't
The ugliest girl in the world
And he didn't bother to give her anything

Not a word
Not a smile
Not even a single look
He didn't even
Notice her

That was the moment she finally started to realize
She would never be anything
To him again
She would always be
Invisible

Just like he
Promised

Isn't it weird how you can see someone everyday
Not saying hello
Not knowing the other persons name

But yet in some very strange way
You're having some sort of a crush on each other

Looks that lasts a bit too long
Smiles that just can't be held back when you walk past each other in the hallway

Having someone on your mind in the morning
And the same person just before you go to bed
Without even knowing each other's names

Isn't it weird how there seems to be some sort of
Chemistry between us
Even if we've never said a word to each other

Isn't it weird that I don't mind not knowing you
That I'm happy with us
Just like this

I know I will see you tonight
That's why it's no point im starting a fight
Between my heart and my brain

When I see you my heart is the winner
My heart surrounds you with a shimmer
That only my brain can take away
To take it away I have to stay

Stay and see you with her
She the most beautiful person on earth
This will end with me getting hurt
Like it always do
It's all because of you

You defeat both my brain amd heart
Just ny showing up at the start

I try to keep myself busy.
Cook new food.
Got a second job.
Make plans with friends.
Spend time with my mom.
Read.
Plan a trip.
Walk.
Talk to that girl.
Laugh with my brother.


I try to keep myself busy.
Only because I don't want to admit
That its over.
I don't want to admit
That it has been over for awhile now
How do you tell someone
It's over
But make them understand
That you still love them
An awful lot

It seems to be so peaceful
So quiet
But still so full of Life

The ocean amaze me
The blue water hypnotize me
Just like the creatures in it

So full of color
So full of Life
Makes me wanna be a part of it

I want to just lay in the middle of the ocean
Feel my body sink
Deeper and deeper

Never stop falling
Falling falling falling
Deeper into the big blue

Cold and unknow
Yet so Beautiful and calming
Let me be a part of it

You're not mine
I'm not yours
Still jealousy is here

It doesn't hide in the dark shadows
But stands right next to me
Holding my hand
Leans in and whispers slowly

How could you ever be so stupid?