I was lying in bed last night staring up

at the stars speckling the celestial indigo heavens

like glittery sprinkles across a birthday cake

and I thought to myself:

Where the hell is the ceiling?

I'm okay right now
Which is a big deal for me
I have fake candles in my bed
And even though it's just a flickering light bulb
Not a real flame
I have the candles balanced on my pillow
A few inches from my face
And that wavering golden glow
Is somehow comforting
Because as I watched the candles
I realized
No matter how dimly they flicker
They always flicker back to shining
So I know
No matter how bad I get
Even when my "shattered moments" kick in
I will be okay
I just need to wait
While the cold and icy hands of depression and numbness grip me
Because they WILL let go
I will be okay

I'd like to be lovely to you, again
I'd like to matter to you again
I'd really like to receive flirty texts from you again
I'd really like to be the girl you tell your friends about again
But you've changed
And I hate your friends
I'm no lovely, you were lying
And as pretty as the lie was, I'm done with your lies
The truth is, I never really mattered to you
Girls don't matter to you, you play us like we can't be hurt
I don't even want to matter to you, because you're messed up dude
You're a liar, and a cheater, and faker, and an *******
You are fake sorry, fake understanding, fake trustworthy, fake caring,
You are fake.
I don't need your ****
I have enough of my own
I really believe, by the end of this year, I can be happy again
Like I was two years ago
And the only real way for me to achieve that
Is to not get mixed up with you again.
I'm not tangling my emotions in your words
The truth is
I WILL NEVER BE HER
So don't waste my time
Stop texting me
Stop telling me you're sorry, you're lying
Stop pretending you knew me
And stop believing me when I say I'm fine
Goodbye.
Just know, I don't have a particularly high opinion of myself
But that being said,
even though I'll never be her
*She will never be me

I know that you are a poet
I know that I don't matter to you
I know that I didn't really matter to you back then either
But back when I was actually on your mind
When I was under the impression that maybe you cared about me
I wonder if you ever wrote a poem for me?
I sure wrote many for you.
That's all I know.
I'd like to burn them with you now.
Along with all the memories and feelings.

I woke up on the right side of the bed but on the wrong side of the world
So it’s back to the drawing board again as it draws to a close
You cost me an arm and a leg and I broke a leg with the act that I put on
You jaywalked across my life the way that every story goes

Not angry.
Not sad.
Not broken
Not depressed.
Not upset.
Not even jealous.
I thought I was at first, but I don’t think I am
Because I really meant what I said
Reading that text made me smile
Happy for you
I hope it works out
I’m just a little disappointed.
That’s all.
:(
Repost if you are a little crestfallen.
Please comment I love to read interpretations of my poetry, and anything else! Stories, suggestions, etc. anything really.

I’m the words between the lines you don’t say
Most of me, is made up of assumptions people make, and I let them
Like static characters in your favorite novels who’s unwritten characteristics you make up in your mind
I am a thousand stereotypes to thousands
But in reality I don’t quite fit, and I defy every one of them
I’m the notes in between diminished chords
That clash and don’t belong
I’m that one crooked picture frame
An uneven hoodie string, just a little shorter than what I should be
The zipper that always gets stuck
A loose thread
And I’m an “almost” puzzle piece in a jigsaw puzzle made of glass
Just a shard
A mirror shard
reflecting an ugly past
Which is fine by me
But some days I get sick of being an unending decimal
Because although lots of people want someone who is incomplete so they can fix them
When they learn I am not repairable
No one wants a fractured and scarred little silver lock with cracks all along the sides
If they don’t have the key
No one wants to fill my crevices with little parts of themselves
And I would love someone made out of the darkest ink
Because you don’t need to be whole to be happy
I could trace the smudges they leave to make them beautiful
But no one else sees the world through a clear tape lens the way I do
So I’m stuck
Here
Where no one wants to find me
Because nothing good lives here
Just living in between

REPOST IF you have ever felt incomplete and unwanted
Comment! I love to read your interpretation of my poetry!

Knock knock
Who's there
Forget it I won't let anyone in
Knock knock
Who's there
What if their words are poison
Knock knock
Who's there
Better let them pass my door
Knock knock
Who's there
Who knows how long they'll stay
Knock knock
Who's there
What if they stay forever
Knock knock
Who's there
Or worse what If they leave
Knock knock
Who's there
I can't take a chance!
Knock knock
Who's there
I don't open the door to strangers
Knock knock
Who's there
What if things don't turn out right?!
KNOCK KNOCK
WHO'S THERE
GO AWAY
...I never open my door.

Repost if you can relate

I love to read interpretations of my poetry so please comment!!!

10 months
10. miserable. months.
gray
dark
I blend in with shadows
I exist
at least I think
but I'm not alive
existing and living are not the same thing
I'm not even sad anymore
I'm just numb
numb numb numb
I'm breathing
barely
but i can't feel
i can't feel
i can't feel
why can't i feel?
im just falling
fading
a memory
hard to believe it really happened
maybe im still dreaming
but i can't seem to wake up
emotionless
so much worse than the pain

List of the types of people I want to date at some point in time:
A poet
A writer
An artist
A sculptor
An athletic type
An excessively passionate guy
A player
A musician
A very quiet type
A very science type
Someone who is eerily similar to me
Someone who is my polar opposite
Someone who I constantly fight with and makeup with
Someone who really needs me
Someone I really need
Someone who cooks
Someone who ***** at cooking
Someone who reads a TON
Someone who is extremely rich (not for gifts, just to see what it's like, if they are still a good person even with their wealth)
Someone who I extremely poor
Someone who can break down my walls
Someone who's walls I break down
Someone who hated me before we started going out
Someone I hated before we started going out
Someone with odd ideas
Someone who is really logical
Someone who is blind
Someone who is deaf
Someone who is mute
Someone who doesn't believe in love
Someone who ONLY believes in love
Someone I love who doesn't love me back
Someone who teases me
Someone who I can tease

This way, I will be prepared for any situation when I meet the RIGHT guy. Or IF, I guess...
But if I am inexperienced with all this, then I don't really know how to deal with certain things in a relationship.
I want to just try every type of relationship.
But first I have to actually get a guy who actually wants to date me... yeah, I can't really see that happening... -_-

Anyone want to add to this?

TO DO LIST:
-Paint nails black and silver
-Finish reading that novel I started
-Finish writing that novel I started
-Offer my bus seat to an elderly lady… unless I’m driving the bus.
-Make tea
-Practice piano
-Clean out closet
TO ****** LIST:
-People who have hurt those I love
-Depression
-Suicide
-Unrequited love
-Rejection
-Inadequacy
-ppl who lyk legit totes talk lyk this lol as if they are lyk, texting or whatevz cuz they think its lyk totes adorbz and stuff *** lyk ***** rofl
-People who respond to my paragraph text with: K. or Lol.
-Slow walkers in front of me
-people who sing Xmas carols in June.
TO DATE LIST:
-That guy I’ve liked since the first day I saw him
-Chocolate
-Chocolate’s cousin: Caramel
-Tea
-CHOCOLATE BROWNIES
-Every fictional character I am in love with... there's alot

The problem is I do like him.
I certainly hate him
But I also like him.
I like the way he capitalizes the beginnings of his sentences over text,  I like the cute little crinkles that appear in his forehead when he smiles
The coy way he responds to flirtation with something like "Oh really now?"
I like how he calls things "sweet", the way he says "aww" I even f!cking like his annoying as hell overuse of the phrase "haha" when he texts which ****** me off,
I like how he is the only teenaged boy I know who says something is "quite" fun and how he uses the word "lovely" to describe things because no one uses that word anymore and more people should.
I like how he has an immense love for Spiderman,
How he has all these aspirations of travelling all over in the future
I like how he wants to live in England one day, I like that he is into cooking and drinks coffee and hot chocolate and how his favorite book is "Looking for Alaska" and how he's read everyone of John Green's books and how he wants to be a writer one day.
I just remember the dumbest little things that I still like about him
For instance how he likes Neil Gaiman and loud screamy music even though I hate that stuff, how he is the only one in his fractured family who doesn't speak French but his older sister and mother do. He has a dog named Charlie and when he was a kid he always spelled "subtle" wrong. I just don't know *** is wrong with me I should have known better. I should hate him for half this stuff and all the rest of the reasons I have to loathe him but it's hard to forget those little details about him. I just hate feeling like a broken lock. A lock of dark secrets and completely irrepairable. Though it's not the fact that Im irrepairable that bothers me as much as feeling so... replaceable. Idk. Maybe I need to go out with someone to get him out of my head.

I've been saving my words
for a long time now
but when you're alone for a while
the silence gets loud
and now I see
those demons in the dark you were talkin' 'bout
and now I see
why you were difficult to figure out

way back when I thought
it would help if I kept you company
chained inside your prison cell
the one you call your mind
I've traced your scars
back to the crevices
where you used to hide away
and those little worlds of minutes in between
where no one could ever find you

Sorry isn't an eraser
life is not a game
what I did was not a piece a paper
I could crumple up
and throw I away
I can't make it better
I can't take it back
tears can't wash off the damage
what have I done? with my pretty little act
I never meant to break all this
never meant to make this mess when
I almost spent your life
but I'd like to try again

Too many times I've wrapped myself in your promises
Eventually things tear when you use them too much
And I know everyone is reaching desperately for someone but I am getting sick of being the only loose thread in the tapestry

Oh please
I'm bad enough sober
And I don't want to lose who I am
I get high off life
I don't need drugs
To be a happy lunatic
I can find a different escape from myself than substances or inhaling smoke
It's called writing

You name: Austin.
To you the definition of Austin is your title. What people call you. It has come to signify the person you are to yourself.
To Her, however (and I capitalize “Her” because important things should always be capitalized and someone who loves you as deeply as she does certainly deserves capitalization at the very least)
To Her “Austin” has a different definition.
To Her Austin means: A good person who respects Her.
Do you understand the rareness of that trait?
In today’s world a good person who even knows the word respect is unheard of.
And yet here you are.
And it is so magnificent
Just know this:
That makes YOU magnificent
Because She can honestly say
You respect her
In this world where values are built on the idea of: “Take what you can, the wholesome decent people will walk away empty handed”
For you to boldly brush aside all of that
And bravely live by honor and respect
It is admirable and it makes you a wonderful person
It is a feat far greater than any man who spends a thousand hours with his loved one
And does not respect Her
To Her Austin means: A smile brighter than the glistening starlight. The  type who can make anybody laugh no matter what the circumstances
A smile that she loves to see, that just makes her happy to lay eyes on.
That is so phenomenal that you possess such an ability to practically display sunshine with a simple grin. For your smile to make Her happy. To be something She loves about you.
You are so, so deserving of her love because you have been gifted with a very unique talent
It is extraordinarily uncommon
To be able to heal people
Through the beautiful thing we call laughter
You can make anybody laugh
And humor is not just a hobby or something to keep television interesting
It is an exquisite
Lovely thing
Somedays, people are in times or frames of mind
Where logic and reason can’t fight the emotions they are having
And surely, many times
It has been incredible, incredible YOU
That saved them from their own thoughts
Without you even knowing what a difference you have made
With your splendid gift
Of humor.
Humor is a spiritual healer and that is what you are
A spiritual healer
No wonder She loves you so much
To Her, Austin means: Someone who loves Her and who She loves endlessly
Look at the beautiful, beautiful soul of the woman who loves you
Look at Her and smile that smile She loves so much
Because She looks at you
And sees a brilliance you could never begin to understand
Yet somehow She sees it in you
And you are so, so worthy of Her love
Because love is one of those things
Not measured in time
Or minutes spent physically near each other
In fact
Love has nothing to do with physicality at all
Your bodies may not be near each other’s everyday
Maybe you don’t hold her hands in yours every second
But your heart and Hers are intertwined
You love one another
Love cannot be severed by the sharpest blade
Or poisoned by the most lethal of all venoms
Love defies all physicality
Nothing tangible can destroy it
So never ever compare your worthiness of Her love to the amount of moments you spend
Physically close to each other
It is your souls being close to each other
That makes your bond of love so unbreakable
So beautifully unbreakable
Even if your days are flooded
With work and hours buzzing with business
You FIND time you MAKE time to text Her
And that is such a marvelous sacrifice
Such a charming thing to do
So worthy of love
The fact that you CARE
Because in those moments that you DO talk
Over text messages, face to face or over the phone
A little eternity passes
And you may not be able to give Her all of your time
But to give Her your tiny eternities in between work and life’s prior commitments
Makes you so worthy of Her love
You need to see how deeply and endlessly She loves you
How your name carries thousands of definitions for Her
In Six little letters: Austin
Has come to mean so, so much to Her
Because you don’t need to give Her all of your time
You just need to give Her all of your soul and heart
And you do
So please smile your wonderful smile
Let your wonderful soul shine
Know that you are so precious and special to this one woman
Who has eyes only for you
Because you are WORTH it
And know that you are every color and shape of wonderful
To Her
:)

Maybe his phone is broken?
Maybe he lost my number?
Did I give him the wrong number by mistake?
He might have a girlfriend?
Maybe he is just busy?
Is he just waiting a little before he texts me?
Gay maybe?
Or he might just have forgotten?
I don't know, maybe he is just nervous?
He might have a good reason
it will happen if I just wait
eventually my screen will light up with an unknown number
with a text that says: hey
I just need to hang on
it will work out
it will
it will
...okay, at this point even I don't believe myself
I'm just lying to myself now.
This was just really, REALLY important to me.
I guess I expected this to happen, I just didn't expect it to hurt this much.

Repost if you know this feeling. Or if you have felt rejected before.

I know your inner demons whisper to you everyday
That you’re never good enough, your smile is fake, you’re not okay
Listen to me screaming over all the lies they’re telling you,
I know the pain you’re suffering, ‘cause where you are now, I’ve been too
Don’t you ever let your measures get too drastic,
Just remember real beauty isn’t made of plastic

Repost if you know beauty that isn’t made of plastic. Or you know, if you just, like, enjoy clicking the repost button.
Please comment! I love to read interpretations of my poetry or your thoughts on my work or on poetry itself as an art! 

The difference between you and I is
You don't believe in remorse or regrets
and








I do.

I used to think love could be measured in length.
Arms stretching as far apart as possible.
The way a child says I love you thiiiis much!
I thought it could be measured in time
Forever. Eternally. Everlasting.
I thought it could be measured in depth.
Love far deeper than words. Beyond death.
I was wrong though.
REAL love cannot be measured.
Love is made out of many things.
Mainly loyalty, trust, admiration, and caring.
If one of those things goes off balance
it can be measured
And what can be measured can fade
And therefore it is no longer love
If something such as admiration
were to tip the balanced scale
It would ceases to be love that you feel
But REAL love is impossibly endless.
Infinite
in a way none of us could ever fully understand
Beautiful
Haunting
Precious
Love.

Leaving class during an internal lockdown

Shooting elastic bands at the target we mounted on the wall

Shooting elastic bands at our teacher's hat

Hiding from our teacher with the hat

Naming the robot we programed in class: Clive

Bananagrams

Ditching gym class

Talking/lying our way out of trouble a lot lol

Making elaborate plans to do very odd things (and playing pink panther
music as well as mission impossible music when we did it)


Putting mistletoe everywhere in the school at Christmas

Texting quotes of the night

Writing fictional stories and sending them over text to each other in
parts at 2AM

Writing poetry

Learning the Greek Alphabet so we could play Greek Hangman

Creating numerous extremely complicated codes where punctuation,
capitalization, "accidental" smudges near words and how you
pronounce certain words is significant.

Always buying the same drink at Starbucks

Eating a ridiculous amount of free samples at the Fro Yo place

Skipping down the hall happily in our gothic spiked clothing. Just to
confuse people. Watching the looks we got.

Writing limericks in math class

Playing Go Fish with our bus passes and when the teacher came over all he said was: Oh! Who's winning?

Playing full tackle basketball...when we were supposed to be playing badminton

Filling a friend's locker with stuffed animals while they were away and texting them to warn them we put a lion and bear in their locker

Inside jokes: Whiteout, Whip-cream, We-are-the-crazy-people, ****, that's a fiiiine shoulder! Pass the coke!

Playing Quarto during Science class

Playing boggle during religion




I miss that grade. I wish things could go back to the way they were, but they really can't ever. I miss being so young and innocen- hahahahaha okay, not innocent but young and crazy. I miss when there were not scars on my arms and my soul.

I am addicted to tea. Seriously. It is concerning.
I am addicted to watching that old show Mad About You  
I am addicted to watching that old show Blossom
I am addicted to fluffy blankets
I am addicted to music
I am addicted to books
I am addicted to writing
I am addicted to Hello Poetry it Is actually negatively affecting my ability to function I am not kidding lol
I am addicted to the color black
I am addicted to makeup
I am addicted to tea (I needed to say it twice so everyone realizes how serious it is)
I am addicted to being weird
I am addicted to laughing with my friends
I am addicted to poetry
I am addicted to bubble wrap

I guess I don't exactly know what I want to be
I don't know what I think the definition of physical beauty is
Because there are people I see with very flouncy curly and glistening golden blonde hair
Then I see Asian girls with their glossy raven black locks
I see girls with STUNNING blue eyes
And girls with magnificent hazel eyes
I see two of my friends who have brown eyes like me, only they have these BEAUTIFUL maple eyes
I see girls with heart-shaped jawline
I see girls with rounder jawlines
I see girls with tiny waists
And curvy girls
I see girls with cute little smiles
And bright, wide grinning smiles
ALL OF THEM ARE SO BEAUTIFUL
I don't even know WHAT I want to be
I just know that I wish there were a celebrity
Who existed
Who was WILDY adored and loved by everyone
Who was successful and never criticized
Who was not necessarily UGLY
But was undeniably not particularly traditionally physically pretty
But her soul was LOVELY
Her personality was imperfect
And she ******* up
But she was still a GOOD PERSON
and her values and what was inside her was what made her so globally popular
Because maybe if I stopped seeing everybody as so unbelievably BEAUTIFUL
then I would stop CARING that I was so hideous
I just really wish
"Pretty" didn't have a definition
But varied
You could look at someone
And what each person found pretty
Was COMPLETELY different
because I care way too much
because I hate hearing that I am "pretty" when I so clearly am not
but it's even worse when I hear that I'm not
Or if someone edges around it by saying: But you are a beautiful person INSIDE
avoiding admitting that I'm ugly
I hate hearing about how ugly I am
because it reminds me
but I also hate hearing about how supposedly "pretty" I am
because immediately in my head
that little voice that sounds exactly like my own
except very cruel and sadistic
The mean-streak part of me
It whispers in my mind
THEY ARE LYING TO YOU
YOU ARE UGLY AND HIDEOUS
AND NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO CARE ABOUT WORTHLESS YOU.
BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT WHAT SOCIETY DEFINES AS PRETTY
YOU ARE WORTHLESS AND UGLY.
DON'T LISTEN TO THEIR PROMISES THAT YOU ARE PRETTY
BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT.
that is all I hear in my head.
or if I hear OH BUT YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON INSIDE THAT IS MORE IMPORTANT
the voice whispers: did you recognize that? Hear it? See it?
They specifically avoided saying you were physically pretty
So whether they are right or not about what is more important, inner or outer beauty
They have still admitted to you
In an underhanded way
That you ARE ugly
they have confirmed what I have always told you
YOU ARE NOT PRETTY
YOU NEVER WILL BE
and do you know what?
I don't care anymore about what is important
I want to be physically beautiful
It's like when you just really want cake
it might be unhealthy
It might not matter
It isn't good to obsess over
but you JUST WANT IT
you want it so badly
and you can't function properly without it
until you have that desire given in to
but I can't tell them that anymore
so they don't have to lie to me to spare my feelings which makes me feel awful
or so they don't have to be honest and either tell me I'm ugly or edge around it by bringing up inner beauty and using a BUT before it
because that makes me feel even WORSE
I will not talk about it anymore
I will just let it dominate my poetry
because I must write
I must WRITE to keep it from consuming me
that is all I have
If I can't speak of the pain anymore
I must write.
that is my escape.

I should have been better
I should have saved you
I don't know what kind of friend I am
I'm sorry
This is the second time I've failed you
And the fourth time I've failed as a friend

I am terrified of going back to how that pain wouldn't leave me two years ago because I have enough burdens left over to carry, and I don't deal with agony very well.

I am terrified of going back to how that numbness wouldn't leave me last year because it's worse even than anguish to be unable to feel, unconvinced you are still alive.

I am terrified of going back to how that happiness wouldn't leave me just over two years ago because as soon as you get up high, the further you have to fall.

Finding a man I love who only thinks I'm pretty with makeup on so the first time he sees me in the morning makeupless, having my tea he will realize I'm horribly ugly and leave me.

I will have a child one day that I can't support and have to put up for adoption to keep them alive.

I will die by drowning.

Everyone will find out my secrets.

One day I will send that one "Wrong text to the WRONG person." (anyone else ever do that?) and it will actually matter.

I don't know
It's fine
No it's not fine
I'm not fine
No I'm okay
This doesn't even make any f!cking sense
I don't know
Why am I feeling like this
I need a distraction
I NEED A F!CKING DISTRACTION
why am I yelling
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm (not) okay
Whatever
Someone stop me from texting him
Before I make an even bigger pathetic ***** of myself
I feel like an emotion-****
That doesn't even make sense
I think I need to find something else to get my mind off him
I think I need to find someone else to get my mind off him
I don't care whatever
Except that I do
Don't let me text him
PLEASE stop me from texting him
My mind is driving me insane
I give up.
No, I can't give up.
I'm going to stop
I won't text him
I think.

PAIN
    M
    P
    O
    S
    S
    I
    B
    LIES
    E   T   L
         A   E     L
         YEARNING
              V      V
          DIE       ENDINGS
                                         T
                                         A
                                         R
                                         T
                                         S
  
   My mind at the moment looks like this. Connected contradictory thoughts. Write me back a poem just like this one but show me what your mind looks like and title your poem: My Mind (To Ember)

Be sure to comment and message me if you write me back a My Mind poem.

Please repost if you do write one back!!

I am currently in one of those moods where everyone who is happy and in love, or has any kind of adorable love-life I really would like to light on fire.

Dear beautiful couples, please get your sickeningly cute relationship out of my sight before I *****! Can't you see I'm busy being bitter and lonely and spiteful?!
Sincerely,
The girl in the corner with the chocolate and the ice cream crying bitterly and insanely yelling crazy (slightly terrifying) things at random happy couples passing by.

I am so jealous of some girls it is actually pathetic and I know that jealousy makes me a pretty bad and petty person, but I think it would actually make me a worse person if I weren't honest and denied being jealous of them. I think that jealousy is just a different kind of pain that you are not allowed to feel because society stifles it, and that is not fair. Anyone else agree with this? Idk, maybe I'm the only one. I just think that as long as you are not "getting revenge" or "acting on your jealousy" or whatever it is perfectly normal to feel jealous and it should not be seen as agony, not a negative feeling that makes you a bad person if you feel it.

There is this guy and even though I don't really like him anymore, he and I are still chatting a little and I see his ****** exgirlfriend every fcking day and I hate her. Anyway, I just feel like I can never be like her and I feel this sense of competition between us everytime I see her because the guy I was talking about dropped me for her when he thought he had a chance to get back together with her and I hate being the "Plan B" and I hate him and I hate her and I hate feeling this much hatred and I hate myself for not being as badass as her, as pretty as her, as cool as her, having an original taste in music that is more similar to his as her, I hate myself for caring this much, I hate myself for being so much less interesting than her, and I just really feel worthless and like I am nothing compared to her. Also she is popular. I apologize if this offends anyone but since I had bad experiences with the popular crowd a while back (a lot of stuff I guess some people might call bullying but I don't want to sound like I'm victimizing myself), I just loathe the entire "culture" and society of "popular" people everywhere. I recognize that is an extremely biased, discriminatory, offensive, narrow-minded and pathetic, generalizing point of view, I just have really scarring experiences with them and I don't even care anymore. Anyway, she is extremely well liked by everyone and she is dismissive of poetry and the art of writing which offends me and she is just really... physically beautiful. Do you have any idea what I would give to be pretty like that? I can't compete. I may as well give up. Sorry for the rant this was a lot longer than I actually realized while writing it, I just needed to get this out I'm sorry.

It is kind of getting worse and I am starting to wonder if maybe I should get tested for dysmorphia. Just to ease my mind about the matter... but I'm scared to find out. If it is a no, then I'm glad I don't have a mental disorder but that means I really am a hideous beast and I really need to get some kind of operation or something to fix my ugly face, then if it is a yes, I have a mental disorder and I really don't want to deal with a disease of the mind because it hurts a lot to hate yourself this much.

I have too much work to do and too little time I'm panicking there is no way I am going to be done.

I have no social life.

I want chocolate.

I need to stop trying to resolve things with chocolate.

I'm in one of those moods where I am sad. I don't know why, I just am. How is that even possible?

I am not good at dealing with loneliness.

There must be a way to feel like you are enough for yourself. I haven't found it yet.

My poetry gets really dark when I'm hurting.
My poetry gets bubbly when my love-life starts to pick up.
My poetry gets short when I am broken.
My poetry gets weird when I am tired. Like, REALLY weird...
My poetry gets violent when I am angry. As in FREAKING violent.
My poetry gets dumb when I am bored.
but all of the words I write are made of genuine feelings

it doesn't matter it's fine he is worth nothing to me I can let him go I wish I had just shut up no I don't miss him God I miss him no I miss the idea of him he was nothing special I am never going to learn why am I so overdramatic and pathetic I get stupid after midnight I hate life no I don't I just hate myself yeah that's fair enough I don't know what's wrong with me why did I text him during one of my broken moments there is something wrong with me I hate everything but mostly myself and him but I don't hate him no I really DO hate him I loathe him why did I waste my time I am a pathetic loser why I am I doing this to myself I can't escape my own head I hate everything why do I keep saying that I am getting sick of hating everything why does he have to exist I should ****** him with a chainsaw oh yes I would enjoy that oh wait that's illegal okay why am I spending so much time on it I should really be doing work right now I am really stupid okay I have accomplished nothing today I am just an option for him I am just another pathetic little ego boost I hope he dies alone I hope he is okay he is not okay I am not okay I am not okay I am not okay omfg what if wrong with me why do I have to be this dumb he is damaged from the divorce of his parents so he is being a ******* and acting out, maybe that's it maybe he will change NO. don't think like that he will not change ever don't expect him to why do you like him anyway I don't like him I don't like him well I kind of do I don't know what I'm thinking I can't breathe he would never give me a second look and I don't want him to except I want him to so I can break him but he won't I am worthless.

Some fears are paralyzing




1. We need to talk


2. A random text message from him


3. Passcode incorrect

Oh, you hurt my friend?
Tsk, it would be a shame if you died.

...you may mysteriously disappear.

What do people's names mean?
I looked mine up.
It is scarring.
I am so sad now. :(

Tell me what your name means in the comments section! 'Cause I'm curious! I won't make fun of you if your name means something insane! ...probably... lol

I don't have a new years resolution this year
But it always ends up becoming the same thing

"Aim to become less ugly, learn how to be pretty"

Still working on that

Maybe I'm shallow
Or maybe
I'm just broken

Maybe I just would like one year to he truly pretty
Because I don't have enough inner beauty to rely on that
And you know what

To everyone who sees me
I'm just and Ugly Girl.

And as the clock struck 12
You probably kissed her
With alcohol on your breath
And no trace of me on your mind

Nine little candles
Standing strong
Against the wind
Through the night for so long
Three white candles
Three extinguished toughened fighters
Because one black candle
Had to burn brighter
The one black candle
With all these tricks
Blew out the three white candles
And then there were six
Six little candles
Melting down
But black candle's light is growing dimmer
hope is no where to be found
Black candle's not a candle now
Now she's just a lit fuse
When time runs out until the explosion
Then she will know what it's like to lose
Six little candles
Has lost all but two
The former black candle
And one white candle left too
But even flames can whisper rumors
The burning fuse is done
She lost the other eight white candles
And then there was one.

I don't even know what the hell is wrong with you anymore.
Just stop, okay?
Please.
Don't tell me how you got drunk, I don't actually care about how you defile your own body or any other girl's body in public or in private, I don't give a **** about how much **** or ecstasy you've messed up your body with. You are beyond under-aged. I don't even care about the law, really. I am not a particularly law abiding person, I don't care if you drink under-aged or sleep around or get high as hell or smoke like it's your last night alive, but don't tell me about it. It doesn't impress me.
It saddens me that you are so young and are already turning to substances. You are letting the drugs and the alcohol swallow you and turn you into someone you are not, losing who you are. It bothers me that you inhale smoke into your lungs before you can even legally drive. It hurts my heart that you seek only to satisfy your body, and you need it from more than one girl, you can't just commit to one person because you have no love in your heart so ***** you.
The problem is, I don't even care, okay?
I don't even care, but you are a cold and unkind person because you are *not faithful, you are so brutal, you know that you are hurting me and don't even f!cking care I wish I could cry but I swore to myself I would never ever cry over you as long as I lived and I don't care, I don't care I DON'T F!CKING CARE ....except I do.

Can’t forgive
Can’t forget
I have to let you go

I cried for you
I’d die for you
I miss you more than you know

You wrote me
An angry note
And slipped it into my hand

With accusations
Made of furious ink
Telling me your pain is more than you can stand

But near the note’s end
You write the phrase I love you
I break down crying there and then

I cut out that sentence
In your perfect handwriting
And read it over and over again

Love and hate
Aren’t opposites
We loathe and love each other to death

Maybe it would hurt less
If we didn’t care
But we do and it gets worse with every breath

I wish we could have it back
But the bond’s too broken to repair
And it kills me more to stay

I’ll miss you past the (wh)Y
In eternallY
But I have to walk away

REPOST IF YOU UNDERSTAND AND LOVE AND LOATHE SOMEONE SIMULTANEOUSLY
PLEASE COMMENT, I LOVE TO READ INTERPRETATIONS OF MY WORK.

Darkness seeps between my fingertips
Even when my hands are clutched to my face as tightly as I can when I am crying alone
Fingernails digging into my skin
To remind myself that it is real
Sleeves pulled over my fingertips
So no one is forced to see the hideous things
Especially me
The way a murderer's mother shuts her son's old bedroom door at night when he has been jailed
To shut out the memories
Concealing what is unpleasant
At night I don't wear makeup
So when I wake up at 2AM to use the washroom
I keep the lights off
And fumble blindly through the black air to find the door handle
So I don't have to look at myself
It's getting worse everyday
A new kind of pain
And I don't understand
Why it hurts so much
But I think I'm going to stop telling people about it
I'm going to stop mentioning it no matter how much it hurts
I'm going to stop being self-deprecating in public
Because it just comes across vain, self-pitying, annoying, attention-seeking and fake
I want people to stop telling me I'm pretty
I want them to stop lying to me
Even if it just to spare my feelings
So I will stop putting them in situations
Where they must lie to me to be polite
I'm just going to be silent now
They already have to know how ugly I am on the outside
No one needs to know
What an ugly mind I have

I have a million things to say to you
about how you made me feel
how worthless you made me feel
how broken you made me feel
and I could write you a list
I could mail it to you
I could write you a song
I could sing it to you
I could scream it at you
I could cry to you all the things you did to me
tell you how much I loathe you
I could tell you how you WRECKED me
how you RUINED things in my life
how you destroyed those that I care about and love
I could etch it into your skin
leave it in a note on your doorstep
burn it into the wood of your backyard fence
...but I won't.
You really don't even deserve to know what you did to me anymore
So goodbye now.
Even though you're not even worth a goodbye to me anymore.

Repost if someone has stopped even being worth a goodbye to you at this point because of how deeply they wounded you.
Please comment! I love to read interpretations of my poetry or your thoughts on my work or on poetry itself as an art!

Tortured
Loathed
Hurt

Oh, but no, no. Of course I'm fine.
After all, in this society, it is not okay to be not okay.

You guys are smiling and making jokes
You tell me I should really be working
I tell you I'm too tired to work right now
I'm not tired
Well, I am, but that's not why I'm not working
I just can't breathe
I know I'm not alone, but I feel completely alone and I don't know Why I'm feeling so hollow
Make it stop. Please.
You don't notice though.
Maybe it's better that you don't.
I'll keep listening to sad music and wonder why I'm feeling so empty when nothing is even wrong
And you keep not knowing how horrible I feel
Because you have problems a lot worse than mine, for sure
I don't want to tell you, because you don't deserve to have to listen to my sadness on top of your own
And I feel selfish if I tell you
I just don't know who to talk to
And even though I'm surrounded by people
I. Feel. So. Lonely. I. Feel. Like. I. Have. Died.