i take my mood stabilizer with my 3 pm coffee and ask her, politely, to be quiet for the remainder of the day. usually, she does not listen. i hear the pester of hums while i am trying to tie my shoelaces, or while i am trying to wash the sleep out of my hair, or while i am trying to listen to my voicemails. i feel a tap on my shoulder that caresses me in a way that tells me i need to run. i hide beneath the covers. i feel the twinge of guilt in the pit of my stomach. if i cannot see her, she cannot see me. i send her up in smoke, i hug myself soundly so that my heartbeat doesn't fall out of my skin. she makes her way into my conversations. she threatens the way my lips part when i kiss. she pries my fingers from his and sends me to my room without dinner. i wake up in a cold sweat and reach for the growing empty space beside me. i am desperate. she tells me i am playing make-believe with my worry. i am desperate. i take my mood stabilizer with my 4 pm coffee and ask her, politely, to be quiet and she does not listen and she does not listen and she does not listen

Is it the wave kissing the sand
          or is it the ocean
                   deep from her heart
sometimes gently,
                                  often hard,
but always with passion?

Is it the sand kissing back
        or is it the land
            happily losing ground
with every kiss
             to his eternal mistress,
the occupant of his soul?

I took a step back
a kiss back
a stare back
a laugh
back
dna
I
dnuof
flesym
a gniod
etelpmoc
elcric

You looked at me father, weren't my
eyes the reflection of yours, did I not
     smile in glazed view at the words
misunderstood but still a vibration
of what I heard in the womb of mother.

Yet, just because I'm not of male,
                        but female without my choosing
you want me to be just a memory.
Like a conception of love was voided
                         at the moment of my birth.

Woven in a blanket, angers voiced echoed
              I felt the taste of the air linger in
distasted tears as mother picked me up.
            kissing my lips, her tears of
                        pain and regret I could taste.

But father had me now, I was in the cold
             I felt his love dissipate.
             Silence was his voice now.
Not even a gentle goodbye,
but like yesterdays newspaper discarded.

Tears cradled my face, not understanding
             why this cold night grasped at me
more lovingly than fathers last embrace.
My expressions silenced as I ran out of tears.

I heard a mumbled voice,
                           not of father or mother.
But a gentle one of age, more secure in
the visible definition that I was a girl.
Holding me tightly, I heard others words.
I wasn't alone any longer, but what was my fate.

My daddy, told me the tale of my birth,
           and the implications of what back
then seemed like weakness.
But I have shown the world, that no matter
your gender it still has equal worth.

The past is a scar that still hurts,
        Never knowing my true family,
if they could ever have been called that.
But this family, this gentleman and my
        my loving mother, kept me warm.

Now I'm older, old mistakes of culture
        and religion are melding with modern
society, no longer are girls left to fend alone.
We are seen through eyes of love and compassion.
Not through the eyes of an abandonment of love.

I saw my lifeless body
and yet i mocked it
letting violent
self-degrading
words and thoughts
carve into my soul
destroying my self-esteem
making myself truly believe
that i was
unlovable
worthless