I like you.
I have for a while now.
And when I met you
It made my heart smile.

1) Grow up
2) Obey rules
3) Go to school
4) Graduate from school
5) Go to college
6) Get a job
7) Marry
8) Have kids
9) Raise your kids to live the same repeated cycle you did
10) Die.

Because everybody wants to live ordinarily.
Each process inevitably leads you to the next. The cycle goes on and on and on. We are breeding generations that are far worse off than the last. We are destructive humans who live in our own little worlds. We refuse to see the bigger picture because we are trapped
In society's cage.

Congratulations on living the life of a human.

Saturday, 18/04/2015
How it all started.

This is how our story began.
I still remember it like it was yesterday. ****, it feels like yesterday. I always felt this sense of comfort, this great feeling of openness when talking to you. I found comfort in hearing your voice. It was like you were with me that night, lying next to me. It was like I could feel you holding me.
You were the first person I ever truly told my feelings to. For some reason that I will never know, I have always been one to guard my emotions. I do it simply because I cannot bear getting hurt or judged. People often misunderstand me and think I do not feel deeply because I don't like to express with words. Trust me, I feel deep. I don't overthink, but what I feel physically impacts me. It affects me in ways it won't usually affect others. It affects me deep down in my very gut.
Telling you how I really felt was not only a big thing for me, but it was something that I had been so scared to do. But you made it... easy. Effortless. The words slipped out of my mouth with a smile on my face, and when I heard you say it back, I melted.
I was exhausted, but my heart was racing. I felt such a great feeling of euphoria, it was really and truly crazy. I lay in bed feeling like I had won a marathon, climbed a mountain, surfed a great wave. Just because I knew, at that very moment, that I had you.
Each hour flew by. I couldn't believe how late it was getting but I just didn't want to stop hearing your voice. There were times where I actually drifted in and out of sleep because I just felt so... content, that you were still there on the other line. That when I whispered your name you would always respond.
Saying goodnight to you was a long procedure because none of us wanted to hang up. I hated the thought of not hearing you, even if it was the complete silence of you sleeping. Because at least you would still be there. It happened eventually though, and I lay awake afterward just thinking of the future and endless possibilities between us. I could not comprehend how everyone's predictions was about to take place. I couldn't understand how it had finally happened.
I will never forget that night. It was, so far, one of the best night's of my life. To find out that someone you had liked, someone you always had your eye on, cared about, thought of constantly, actually returned the favour... Nothing is better.
It is such a good memory, and I wouldn't have wanted it to be with anyone else but you.

So that is how our story began. Our little love story.

And then, like all love stories,
It ended.

One day you'll find the person who makes you smile.
And I mean really smile -
When your eyes crinkle and the corner of your lips raise ever so slightly
And your teeth burst out like rays of sunshine from the ocean's horizon

One day you'll find the person who makes you laugh
And I mean really laugh -
When you genuinely can't stop
And your sides ache and you gasp for air

One day you'll find the person who makes you happy
And I mean really happy -
When you catch yourself dancing for no good reason
Or singing at the top of your lungs because joy needs to be expressed

And when you find the person who makes you feel and do all these three things
Never let them go.

I'm afraid that we will run out of fire for each other, that we don't have enough passion to keep us going. I'm afraid that darkness threatens to engulf our flame. I'm afraid that you'll leave me; I'm afraid that I'll leave you.

I don't know what the future holds. No one does.

Channel your energy.
When you are in pain, use that energy to write. Feel the flow from your frustration, your anger, your pain. Feel it move from your thoughts, to your fingers, and watch it appear as letters, as words, as poetry, as art.

I write best when I am in pain.
My mind is screaming but the words are pouring out.
The blank page is my canvas. I fill it with my pain.
I add colour. I add red.
Or, if I am sad,
I add blue.

To you

I'm not really sure how I'll start this letter, which is a first since you know I love writing them. I'm trying to picture your reaction as you read these words, and I am both relieved and frightened. Relieved, because I finally have what I have been wanting to say for months off my chest. Frightened, because I may be making a grave mistake that I'll surely suffer the consequences of later.

You are like a drug to me. You're not good for me, and I'm not good for you. Yet I keep wanting you, missing you, craving your presence. You still take up about 90% of the thoughts in my mind and I wake up, every morning, thinking about you. I've been doing that for months, and I wonder when I'll stop, and it scares me to know that it may not be for a while.

Is there a reason for this letter? Yes, there is. I need you to know the words I have never told you. If I had to die tomorrow, I can promise you this: I'll die regretting not having told you this. You meant so much to me, and yet somehow you still do. Everywhere I go, you seem to follow me, haunting me like a ghost. And, to be completely frank, I deserve better than you. And I felt like you never appreciated me, but at the same time, it was my fault for not showing you who the true me was. I was always scared, so stupidly scared. I never showed you my true ability to love, and for that I am sorry.

I don't exactly know what I'm asking for you, or if I'm asking for anything at all. But know this - I miss you, and if I could redo our time together, I would.

I hope you have a good life. It hurts me to know I won't be apart of it. But hey, people come and go. That's life. Maybe we will both find someone better.

- Someone who was once your everything x

I love music.
It takes you to a whole new place, a different dimension. It allows you to travel with time, to go with the flow, to focus on nothing but different rhythms and sounds beating in synchronisation.
Nothing is more satisfying than finding a song that applies to your entire life, that relates to you when no one else can.
Whenever you are sad or feeling nothing but happy, I urge you to listen to a song and allow it to soothe your soul.

Because in the end,
we all just want to love & be loved.

When I miss you, I look up to the sky.
The colour is identical to your eyes
And then I find myself smiling
Because I'm reminded you're always near me.

The truth is, you never were The One to begin with.
I lie down every night and ask myself the same question:

Am I in love with the idea of love or am I in love with you?

"I thought you would be the one who would have stayed." - He Thinks.

Dear boy, did you honestly expect me to stay when you gave me 1000 reasons to leave? People do not stay in your life if you constantly show through your actions and your words that you do not want them there. Sooner or later, that person will get the message and they will be gone. They will find someone better, someone who appreciates their flaws and does not see them as what they are: flaws. They will see it as a blessing.

You'll regret it. Maybe not now, maybe not in a year. But you will regret it, that I can guarantee you.

It's a new day.

I hope that this poem finds you, I hope that you drink in these words of comfort and know that you will get through this day. Know that every human has a purpose, and today you may find yours.

Know that you are not alone. Know that your battle will soon be won. Know that there are stars in your eyes and galaxies in your head, and soon you will be soaring among the moon.

I hope this poem makes you smile. I hope it makes you think of the good things in life, the things that make you feel warm.

Know that you are special.

To anyone reading these words:
You are enough.
You are worth it.
You are brave.

*I am so proud of you, and you should be too.

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them that they won't.

What do I want out of life?
Where will I be in ten years time?
How am I supposed to follow my passion if I haven't discovered mine yet?*

Readers, it's okay to be lost. It's okay to walk straight into the unknown. It's okay to be dangerously spontaneous, because hey, what's life without a little fun?
Embrace the beauty of uncertainty. Trust in yourself. Trust in God.

I want to live more than an average life, and I hope you do too.

You're the person I fall asleep thinking about.
You're the person I wake up thinking about.
You're the person who holds me tenderly, whose gentle kisses ignite flames inside of me, the only person who can touch my soul and not only my body.
I think I've fallen in love with you, but I don't know love well enough. I've never felt this way about anyone before. I've never had someone like you in my life.

All I know for certain is that you are my special person.
You are mine.
To kiss, to touch, to hold, to comfort.
To laugh with, to fight with, to play with, to love with.

I think I've fallen for you.

I have slowly but surely fallen in love with poetry.

I love the truth of the raw, cutting words that I can write.
I love the ability of using words to bleed, to express, to encapsulate a moment.
I love the feeling of release, relief and self-happiness that it brings me.
I love the peace of mind.
Poetry soothes my soul, allows me to breathe, allows my mind to wander for a brief period of time.
It allows me to think, to be more than myself, to say exactly how I feel and  not feel embarrassed or ashamed.
I love the voices in my head when I think deeply. I love the way my hand moves effortlessly because the words come so quickly.
I love reading poetry. It truly fascinates me, the way another's mind works and thinks. It captivates me when I can feel their emotions through their words.

I find myself when I write poems. I can paint my mind in writing, and create masterpieces.
I can see life a little clearer and a little brighter.

Fall in love with words.
Fall in love with poetry.

Someone once told me: "If you truly love a person, you will be willing to love their flaws. You will take the bad with the good, because good comes with the bad."

I can love your imperfections.
The question is
Do I love you enough to do it?

your feelings are not dangerous
stop acting like they are.

if you feel love towards him, let it happen
don't try suppress it out of fear;
you're only fooling yourself
*my dear

I long to find my soulmate, my own special type of lover, designed by God specifically for me.
I have the urge to find you. I know you are somewhere in this word, probably just as lost as me.
I pray our paths cross one day at the perfect time, so that I may look into your eyes and know that you are The One.
Are you thinking, dreaming, wondering about me too? Whoever you are, out there, in this big wide world?

One cannot find one's soulmate until one has self-knowledge of oneself.
If you do not know and recognise your own soul, how can you expect to find your soulmate?

I am made entirely of flaws stitched with good intentions. Not once did I say I was perfect, not once did I act so. I try to be happy, I try to make others happy. I only want the best for you and I wish you well on your journey without me.

How foolish of me
To think that you've changed.
How foolish of me
To even let you in.*

My girl
You can't go back to what broke you.
You deserve so more much than that.

Don't you love yourself?
If you really loved yourself, you wouldn't do this.
Protect your heart from what hurt you.

You are golden, soaring among the stars, with galaxies in your mind and so much warmth in your heart
And you deserve someone
Who appreciates that
Who listens to the words you speak
Who reads the poems you write
Who adores you
For all and everything you are.

Nothing lasts forever.
Everything in this world is temporary.

We are living proof of this.

Don't be sad about something you can't change.
You'll look back and wonder how you wasted all that precious time being anything but happy.

The future is bright. I can start to see the sun through the clouds.
I don't want my past to make me bitter. I want it to make me better.
I want to learn from my mistakes and make sure I never repeat them twice.
I know I can be happy without you. And I have never felt at peace like this before because I know God is with me.

You're still in my thoughts every day
I wonder when I'll finally escape you.

It's okay to miss them.
But what we must remember is that we can continue life without them, and that God only intended to have that person in our lives for a specific period of time.
Some people are here to stay, others are passing through.
We can't keep holding on to people who are not meant to be held on to.

Goodbye to my first love.

I have never felt this type of pain before.
It's a new pain, a pain that eats right into your bones and makes you question your very existence. It's a pain that hurts you so badly you would do anything to escape it.
No wonder they call it heartache.
It is literal.
I can taste the salt in my mouth from my tears running down my face.
I can still remember the sound of your heartbeat when you hugged me against your chest.
It hit me at that moment that it would be the last time I can hear your heartbeat. The last time you will hold me.
You are everything I love and everything I hate. Because that's the truth - I loved you. I still do. I always will.
I will never forget the happiness you gave me. I will never forget the way your hand felt in mine. I will never forget your smile, your laugh, your voice.
But **** how I wish I could forget.
It would help me heal if I could forget.
But then my biggest fear would come true: I would lose you. And above all things, I don't want to lose you.
I hate myself for hurting you. I hate you for hurting me.
The funny thing is, I never imagined this happening. I never imagined it being so difficult. I never imagined it hurting so ******* much.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for not being the girl you wanted. I'm sorry that I ended up being a disappointment.
I miss you so much it kills me. It kills me to know I can't call you mine anymore. It kills me to know I am no longer yours.
Was I not worth the fight? Did I mean that little to you?
I feel bitter but I know in the end that what we had was special. It was something I will treasure forever.
I don't regret it. Once time has healed us both, we will be able to look back and smile.

Thank you for the memories.

Even though you don't know I know
I'm still going to apologise -

I never meant to make you fall for me
I truly didn't
And I would much rather you love her than me
Because she loves you more than I ever will
and
I hope your wounds aren't deep.

I still see you in my dreams.
How is it possible that you manage to haunt me in both reality and sleep?

This proves that even though my mind says no, my heart continues to want you.

Your words are like drugs and I am addicted.
It scares me how quickly you can lure me in and how blind I become.
I know you are all wrong for me yet I keep wanting you.
I crave your presence and your words you speak, those words that make me feel like I'm high.
I have never understood how an addict can stay an addict, how any human could purposely do something that you know is harmful to themselves and not just walk away.
But boy, you make it easy to relate.
I am so afraid of hurting my heart. And I cannot believe myself that I still let you. I guard my heart, with concrete walls that are indestructible to some, but yet when I see you they just shatter and my walls have broken again.
I need to escape this or else I'll die of an overdose of you.

"Do you have someone you think about constantly, someone you just can't get out of your head?"
"No."
"You are free from your own thoughts. I envy you. I wish my mind was as peaceful as yours. I wish mine was as peaceful as it used to be. Because all I see before I close my eyes before I sleep is him. And all I want to see when I open them in the morning is him. And how it hurts, it ******* hurts to know that it will never happen."
"Why do you still torment yourself over him?"
"Because no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to let go."

The key of being happy is letting go.
Anything that no longer adds to your soul, or makes you grow as a human being.

*Let it go.

You know what I can't understand? When people see hardships in life as a struggle and blame other people or God for their problems. If anything, be grateful for your time of difficulty. Say thank you with a smile on your face and then sit it out and focus on improving yourself. In the end, you'll only come out stronger and a better person than you were before.

It's painful that we have to go through hurt in order to undergo change. But it is necessary - and that is often forgotten. We all need to change and the only way we can do that is if we do something out of our comfort zones. If we don't change, we cannot grow. And growth is one of the most crucial parts of life.

I firmly believe happiness is a choice. No matter what situation, we have the power to make it a good or bad one.

It's all a decision that we make. The way we choose to perceive a situation can determine the entire outcome.

I remember you telling me that if I ever changed my mind, you were a phone call away.
I pick up my phone every day and contemplate if I should just call you and tell you how much I miss you, that I miss how we were, that I want you back and would do anything to have "us" again.
But for some reason
I just
Can't.

Don't put him through that hurt again
Don't play with his heart
Don't **** with his feelings
Get it together
You did this
*Deal with it

I miss looking into your eyes and thinking about what you are thinking. I miss how the colour made me feel loved and protected. I miss the way your eyes crinkled when you smiled my favourite smile.

I miss the way my heart beat faster every time I heard the sound of your bike because I knew you were always near me in about 3...2...1 seconds. I miss the way my security called me and told me you were here and I would usually have a panic attack because I was so unbelievably excited to see you.

I miss the way you used to hold me, around my waist, hold my hand, and hug me. I miss the way I used to smile against your chest when you hugged me.

I just miss the good times we had together. The times where I thought to myself, "**** could this day get any better?" I used to whisper that before I went to bed with a smile on my face that only you could cause.

I just miss you. I miss loving you. I miss all of you.
It's sad that it's over. It's sad that it's just memories.
Thank you for them. I'll treasure them in my heart forever.

They say our dreams come from our subconscious mind, it is our thoughts deep from within ourselves searching for a way to come out.
Last night I dreamt about you.
I dreamt we were still together, cuddling in your room, holding hands. I dreamt we still loved each other. I dreamt you were still mine. I dreamt that we were both so happy, so impossibly happy. I remember laughing with you, smiling with you.
I remember the feeling of you holding me, kissing me, and **** it just felt so real. For a moment I believed it was real.

And then I opened my eyes and Reality smacked me in the face, and it hurt harder than it should.
"Silly little girl," Reality said. "Memories are memories, and dreams are dreams. Dreams are not reality, no matter how badly we want them to be. Don't be stupid."

What does "I love you" really mean?

It means that I accept you for who you truly are, with all your imperfections and flaws.
It means that I would do anything for your happiness; it doesn't matter about my feelings, it's about yours. As long as you are happy, I am happy.
It means that I can't go a minute without thinking about you, and you constantly occupy my mind.
It means what it means: I love you, really truly love you, and I will never leave you or let you go.

Your hands felt like magic in mine and it made me feel a thousand feelings and remember a million memories.
You whispered the words, "I miss this" in my ear and I agree.

I miss you yet you are sitting right beside me. I miss your smile yet I see it every day. I miss your laughter, your voice... **** I just miss you.
I miss you so ******* much, it hurts me so badly.

I am lost in a tornado of emotion.
Chin up, little girl.
No one said this will be easy.