ever felt claustrophobic in your own mind?
i do.
it's uncomfortable.
it's a fear of restriction, confinement.
it's a fear of being trapped.
and i need to be able to breathe.

Do I miss you?
Of course I do. I don't doubt for a moment that what we had was real, and I don't doubt for a moment that I was falling in love with you.

Do I want you back?
Of course not. Our souls shared a timely encounter but now it is time for both of us to move on. Even if we parted on bad terms, I have accepted that. It's human nature to remember the bad and not the good. But I still remember the good about you, no matter how much hurt, betrayal, pain and sadness you have caused me.

Do I still care about you?
Without a doubt. It's a funny thing about me - I'll ignore you, and it may even seem like I hate you. But I still don't want anyone else to hurt you and I still truly want you to be happy. No human deserves unhappiness, and especially not you.

I really do.

Stop and take a moment
Look around you and simply
Appreciate
All the good things in your life.

I have realised that I actually feel sorry for you.
I feel sorry that you constantly need someone in your life to be happy. I can't imagine how painful it must be to not be able to just be happy on your own, to not rely on a certain circumstance or person, to just feel the emotion unexpectedly and on your own accord.
I feel sorry for you because you are trying to find a way to deal with your own insecurities when meanwhile you are just causing problems for others rather than dealing with them on your own.
I feel sorry for you because you could be such a nice person. Instead you choose to be someone I know you are not deep down; you do it out of anger, spite, hurt. And for what? To get a temporary feeling of satisfaction to try build up your own dwindling self-confidence? To try hurt me as much as I hurt you? All I want is for you to be happy.
And I mean happy on your own. Being happy independently and not needing anyone else to make you feel it otherwise is the best kind of happiness, because it comes from within.
That's all I want from you. And maybe you won't realise this in the beginning, but you will in time.
And that's when you'll realise that you not only lost the person that possibly cared about you the most, but that you'll never get her again.

I think the worst feeling in the world is being misunderstood.
You think, believe and dream in a certain way but because people assume they know you better than they do, they instinctively think the latter of you.
My behaviour is who I am. I am myself. I am erratic, indecisive and irresponsible. Yes, I admit that.
But I also have the ability to love harder than anyone I have ever known when given the chance. The only thing that holds me back is fear. I can't invest everything I have in one person because there is always that chance they will leave me, and then I will be left more than empty  - I will be broken. I will have nothing left inside of me to love anyone else that isn't you.
I wish you knew how I really felt.
So yes I am misunderstood, and I am sick of it.

This may sound crazy, but I think I've fallen for you even harder than the first time.
You make me happy without even trying. The sound of your voice, the ocean that is your eyes, the gentleness of your touch.
I now appreciate things in a way that I never did before.
I believe in second chances. I gave you my heart, and I'll give it again because ****, I honestly think *you're worth it.

I've realized that happiness is nothing more than a decision you make.
You control it. You should let nothing else control it besides your own beautiful mind.

Life only happens once.
Never take a moment for granted. If there is one thing life has promised us, it is that a moment can never happen again, and memories will only be replayed in our head.
There, kept between the four walls of our mind, can it be safe.

Make happy memories.
Those are all we take with us. Everything else gets left behind.

last night
we got high in your bedroom
and my skin was tingling
and your lips were fire
and your touch like feathers
gently tickling my skin

you asked me
about us
and i was too afraid to answer
because of the wild thoughts in my head
and i know you took my silence
the wrong way
but honestly,
you mean more to me than i thought you would at this point.

i realised that my feelings for you
have done nothing but grow
escalate
and being with you
feels exhilarating
and my high
felt like a dream
and then i
realised
my
dream
was
reality

my reality is you.

Now I must learn to move on.
I must learn to not let your smile make my heart beat a thousand times faster.
I must learn to not smile against your chest like I do each and every time you hug me.
I must learn to not let your voice give me a sense of security, protection and comfort.
I must learn to not feel so much happiness when I see you happy, because our happiness is not shared anymore.
I must learn that you are not mine. I've lost you.

I am going to set myself free from you. I am going to let you go.
You are no longer a part of my life. You are no longer a friend, a lover, a protector.
You are a stranger to me.
It is difficult to pretend not to care anymore. But I am going to try nevertheless.
I am my own person. I make mistakes and I learn every day. Now I am on my own journey and I will do things that make me happy. If I was happy before you were in my life, I can be happy now that you're gone.
I have learnt that this was bound to happen sooner or later, and rather sooner than later because we would have both dug each other's graves and buried each other in the end.
I have learnt that God has something in plan for me. And you were not included in that plan. He has something better. The best is yet to come.

I am free.
I have let you go.
And I will be happy.

I have started to realise how important it is to find happiness within yourself, and not from other people.
The worst thing you can do is place expectations upon someone that isn't yourself.
Because believe me, you will receive nothing but disappointment.

Here's a comforting thought when facing troubles in your life: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
People all around the world have been through something similar. And if they can get through it, so can you.
Be grateful. It could be worse.

My girl
One day, someone will treat you like gold.
Like you are a prized treasure
One in a million
Irreplaceable

My girl
One day, someone will treat you right.
The way you deserve to be treated
Because you are art
You are unique and
One day
Someone will love you exactly the way you need to be loved.

Conformity*
It is a brainwashing, ****** up voice in our heads
It is an ugly word, a word that leaves my mouth in disgust
That tells us that we cannot be who we want to be
Because society "tells us so"*

I find it sad how we perceive conformity as a normality, instead of embracing who we really are.
Look at the bigger picture.
You have eyes yet you are blind.

I'm so tired of hearing
"You look so hot!" "You look ****." "****, you look gorgeous."

Then they look at you eagerly for a response, and I smile back woodenly but inside it means nothing.
Just words that pass my one ear and fall out the other.
No substance.
Is that how men think they can "get" a girl these days?
You want to know the key to my heart?
Tell me that I make you happy. That I make you laugh. That my smile can't help make you smile. That what I said the other day made you think. That you love my wild side. That you think of me before your eyes close as you're about to fall asleep. That the thought of me makes your stomach feel light.

That's all I want to hear.
And it's all I'll never hear.

The most addictive drug known to man.

Today was different.
I held you and I felt happy, content with you in my arms. I lay my head on your shoulder and opened my eyes to your big blue ones, smiling down at me.

But then I remind myself that I would feel happy with anyone in my arms, because that's how much I love love.

I made a wish in a wishing well.

I wished to fall in love, marry him, and find true happiness.
I thought of you when I flipped the coin into the water and saw it splash, submerge and disappear in the darkness.

I guess you could call it a contradictory mind.
Emotion and logic
Conflicting parties.
How can I be honest with you if I can't even admit it myself?
When you ask me what is wrong
How can I tell you
When I don't even understand?
When I can't make sense of it all?
My emotions are a code
And logic gives me instructions to decipher
But sometimes the instructions are stained wet with tears and I can't read the blurry words
And sometimes the instructions are scorched black by fire and I can't make sense of this ******* mess
This ******* mess
Called my contradictory mind.

Today we decided to tell the world that we're in love
I'm officially yours
and you're mine.

The doubts I had in the beginning are slowly but surely returning, and as much as I hate admitting it to myself, I can't bear to live a lie no longer.
I ask myself, "Am I happy? Or am I really comfortable?"

My answer still remains unclear.

I want someone to look at me and think
****
She's the one.

And when I see it in your eyes, I will know the truth.
I am yours, and you are mine.

I can't lie to myself any longer.
You still consume my mind and my thoughts and I would rather die than admit it.
I hate the fact that I can't control that I love you. You got me hooked on your sick games and you are like a drug to me, an addiction in every single way imaginable.
It's funny because you made me believe I was special. You spoke words that I so easily overlooked because I thought I knew better than that. But I can't pretend those words didn't impact me, didn't make me so impossibly happy. I would be fooling myself if I said I didn't want to hear you speak them, and I would be an even greater fool if I said I didn't want to hear them again.
I still remember the first time my eyes saw yours as if it was yesterday. I knew from that very second that you would mean more to me, and I to you. You leaked bad news but I wanted it all, I wanted my heart to be broken by you.
And broke it you did. You had me at your feet, I would have done anything and everything for you because I was your prisoner and I was yours. I was trapped and defeated and I couldn't get out of the deep hole you had thrown me in. I remember spitting the dirt out of my mouth and thinking that I would never hurt you as much as you had hurt me.
Do you have a heart? Can you love? Do you know what it feels like to love someone so much you would die for them?
I say I don't love you, but you are not easy to get over. Especially since you continue to haunt me like a ghost in my past and present, and you will undoubtedly be there in my future.
How can I tell the truth if I can't accept it myself?

The one thing I regret with you is not being open enough.
I never told you how much you truly meant to me, how much your touch affected me, how much your kisses burned me.

I never told you that I had fallen for you since the beginning, when we first began talking.

I never told you how the thought of you can bring a smile to my face or send shivers down my spine.

I never told you that I had dreams of you being mine, months before we were even together.

I never told you that I had cried over you because you told me you liked her and not me.

I never told you that I was in love with you because I was scared of what you would say.

And now that I can never tell you these things, I've realised how much I really should have told you.

No one makes me happier
And no one makes me sadder
Than you.

How bittersweet life is! Here, let me give you happiness.
But know at the back of your mind that it won't last forever
Sadness is around the corner
Constantly threatening your soul.

I need to find someone I can love
Who loves me so hard
Who isn't you.

I just don't want to hurt you again.
That's the only thing that's stopping me from telling you that I want you.
The fact that I can't bear to do the same mistake not once, twice, but three times.
Hurting you was the one thing I promised myself I would never do. Hurting you killed me in many ways you don't even want to know. I not only broke you, but I broke myself, too.

It's a time for a new chapter.
Turn over a new page.

I can now safely say that I am over you.
Yes, I still think, worry and care about you.
But I definitely will not love you ever again.

I am new.
I have goals, and I'll work harder than ever before to achieve them.
I'm putting myself first, and am working on me.

I know what we have is not true love.
I know I am not in love with you.
I know this because I am not passionate, infatuated, obsessed, crazy, insane and completely head over heels for you.

I love you - but I am not in love with you. I love you in the way I will do absolutely anything and everything for your happiness. It kills me to see you hurt or cry, to see you broken.
I love you, I really do. I love you very much.
Just please know I'm not in love with you, and I am so sorry.

When I look into your eyes, I see the ocean.
I see the depth, the coolness, the tranquility
I want to look beyond what you show, I want to see you.
And I mean really see you.

We saw many shooting stars that night
And each time I would wish for the same thing.

I wished that you would live a life full of love, happiness and adventure.
That's all I want for you.

And if my wish comes true,
I will be happy, too.

We looked up at the galaxy
And I was connecting the stars in my mind
They scattered the sky like your freckles under your eyes
And I was making pictures whilst feeling the warmth from your hand.

And it was like our souls merged into one
Because I felt you, and you felt alive.
And in that moment, things seemed perfect.
We were untouchable from the rest of this ghastly cruel world.

You asked me if you could be mine forever.
You made me promise.
And I did.

I'll be yours forever.
And if by some chance, this universe denies us of that
Please know I'll be with you in your heart
And you will be in mine.

I'm not one for broken promises.
But you already know that.

One day I'll find someone who makes me feel all the right feelings. I'm talking about feeling in love, because I truly believe I have not experienced true love yet.
One day I'll wake up with a genuine smile on my face because the thought of you makes me completely and utterly paralysed with happiness.
One day I'll kiss someone with a passion that will leave your soul on fire, and in that one perfect moment time will be frozen.

God has a plan for you.
You just have to have patience and believe.

I am just an ordinary girl that laughs when other people laugh or cries when other people cry.
I'm a girl that makes stupid, irrational decisions and contemplates life while watching the stars.
I'm a girl that writes poetry at midnight and eats dinner for breakfast.
I'm a girl that falls asleep thinking, dreaming, missing or falling in love with you.
I'm a girl that listens to music to escape the hurricanes of reality that are being thrown in her face.
I'm a girl that wants to experience the joys of life, and live it to the utmost fullest that she possibly can.
I'm a girl that feels sad and lonely at times but will never show it.
I'm a girl that loves the taste of honey and the smell of cinnamon, that enjoys all things sweet as long as they are bitter.

I don't know what is more empty -
The look in my eyes when I stare at myself in the mirror
Or the way my heart feels when I think of my life without you

***** it hurts

And only months later have I realised that loving you was the most toxic thing I have ever done.

Escape with words and ink, darling
Let your tears smudge your words
So they become as blurry as your thoughts.

Loving you
Was the most toxic thing I've ever done
And the most ****** up part of all
Is that I'll probably do it all over again.

I really don't want to lose you, but I know I can't keep holding on.
I am stuck in a place of hopelessness. No matter what I do, somebody will get hurt. I would rather it be me than you, but I have a feeling that we will both feel the pain.

A little bit of pain is good. More is tolerable. But the pain we will both feel will eat us up alive - I pray we survive it.

The smallest of things
Can trigger it off
Pierce a hole through my heart.

When I hear your name
When I see you smile
When you hold her and not me
When you laugh at her jokes and not mine

Stop making me bleed little by little.
Stop giving me pain in small doses
Just pull the **** trigger and be done with it.

Find someone who puts you before themselves.
Who encourages you to be true to yourself and embrace yourself.
Because you deserve to be accepted and loved for exactly
Who you are.

i like poetry because i can
transform mere words into art
and add eyeblinding colour to dull text
to remind others that they are not alone
and that feelings are feelings
and you are allowed to feel
and that even though the world is big
you are not in any way, small.