Whether it is a blessing or a curse.
My darling you,
Are worth it.

Sometimes I wish you saw what I did,
Someone hidden so far in the dark,
Desperately trying to free yourself from it.
I see you,
I feel it when I caress your skin,
Even then I don’t need too feel when I sense it.
You truly don’t understand the depth of your hold,
How clutching its become,
Yet I want you with everything I do.
Whether we are around or not,
Fighting or finally being able to be in love,
It has been you for a whole year now.
Once upon a time,
It was what I had wished for,
Now that wish is gone.
Laying in the bed you no longer lie in,
Feeling your fingers sliding down my back and up toward my neck,
The kisses shared nothing but fireworks; always.
I will miss you always,
As I do to those who’ve stole my heart,
But you;
You’ve taken my entirety,
My mind,
Body,
And soul.
</3:C.R.R.

To think,
We meet people,
Only for them to leave.

I wake up with nightmares of you.
Yet I desperately crave your touch.
Your voice.
You.

I hate it.
I hate the thought of you.
Only because you broke me like he did.
If only you knew.

I love you so much though.
You are everything to me.
Which is the worst,
Because every day I love you and I wish I could’ve had the love I gave you in return.

My love,
My Sun and Stars,
My Second Chance.
Gone and I’ve lost twice.

Of course I believed you,
Listened to your stories,
Your lies.
Yet there you stand mighty and high,
Manipulating those around.
Another relationship ruined,
Jealousy and animosity,
Then the rumors.
So again I will sit here,
While you spin your lies,
And be the black widow in your eyes.

•
I’ve listed all I’ve done wrong,
I apologized for things out of control.
I continue to speak out,
Yet I’m not doing enough.
I’m not loving enough,
I’m not patient enough,
I am nothing.
They were all right,
Till the very end.
•

It’s happening. The darkness. The old friend that enjoys my torment.
Driving me into my old ways.
Cuts on my wrists, thighs, shoulders.
Even work couldn’t distract me.

Failure.
Not loyal.
Ugly.
Disappointment.
Disgrace.
******.

Many more words playing in my mind.
Yes I have to destroy myself. What does it matter.
It doesn’t.
Not anymore.

I drove Gabe away only for him to die.
I drove you away only for you to be wrong.
You both never knew me at all.
All nights are shadowed by your memories.

All I can do is keep the blood flowing.
Until I can forget myself.

I picked up a beer to numb it out.
Not to enjoy it this time.
Everything is built up and if I have enough to drink I know I can say the words I think.
Even then..

Alcohol makes my mind weaker than it already is and then I’m forced,
Forced to say what’s on my mind..
Because that’s what happens when I start off.

Then it spirals.

The worst of the worst thoughts.
Anxiety is at the max and all I can do is
Cry.

Llora por el hecho de que nunca podría tenerte aunque lo dejara a un lado.
Porque está hecho..

You know,
You’re pretty believable.
I was starting to trust you again.
Crazy.

Crazy to think I almost fell for it again.
Almost thinking that it would be worth it.
Love conquers all right?  
Lies.

I’m truly alone.
No one to be my rock.
My shoulder to cry on.

Nothing but an endless stream of tears,
Constantly running down my face.
The people I need the most can’t be there.

One is busy with family things.
The other is hung up on their bestfriend.
I cried myself to sleep last night.

No one was there to hold me; no one there to wipe my tears.
Truly I am alone

I’m not scared you’ll leave.
I’m not trembling at the thought of you not being around.
I don’t fear the anxiety that comes with you being gone.

You’re quicker now.
Noticing more.
But also noticing less.
I see where I do stand.

I’m understanding now and I realize now,
This isn’t for us.
Love isn’t enough.
That was taken two years ago,
My belief for love.

I’m sorry, but you have to let me go.
Just let me go,
please.

Funny how a whole year of being with one person
Makes them a stranger.

Three years my chest tighten when I wake.
Three years my body trembles when I move.
Three years and I hear the echos of my screams, begging for this to be a dream.
Yet I stand, three years later.
Still hoping for you to come back.

Grey an’ sleek.
Strong an’ at your peak.
This moment is yours!
The first steps taken with man,
All in the palm of your hand!
But no hand you bare,
Instead rough padding and claws that are handle with care.
We gifted this name to the one whom fights our demons,
To overcome any trail and error.
He is..
Hercules.

It’s falling to the floor and not having the energy to get up.
It’s having an anxiety attack when you can’t find your comfort item because your room got cleaned  
It’s trying your hardest not to scream out loud so you don’t have to go back.
A minute of hysteria and numb.

Dirt and grim cover my arms.
My hair filled with natural oils from my sweat.
Eyes have dark circles on their own accord.
Constant screaming echos in my mind.

Tears soil my pillow from the memories gone.
Constant writing of “why?”
Wishing for an answer but knowing I can’t get one.

Who knew one person could **** up your whole mental.
Thinking they could actually be there.
Never once thinking of any kind of betrayal.
Sike.

Music transports me to a different memory.
Stuck in the moment as the song plays.
Blissful moments now gone.
To the many more final goodbyes..

You’re seeing red,
Bloodlust for hatred.
Absorbed in your own pain that you don’t see it.

Everyone around you is leaving,
And which they should.
They don’t need someone to be heaving around.

Stuck in your past rather than looking forward.
Yet the past has grown us to this.
Nothing good ever stays.

I’ll let you think what you want.
Instead of asking a question,
You’d rather assume.
That’s the best part

Loud music bursting through my ears,
Our body’s in sync to the rhythm.
Kisses being shared with sweat and fatigue,
Lazy, crazy smiles worn on our faces.
Three words form in mind,
Special words.
To say them or not,
Will this back fire?
The music gets louder,
Your hands are raised higher the more you jump.
I stare in awe at your glow,
So vibrant and pure.
“I love you!” Is what I scream,
You stopped dead in tracks.
Pulled me close and kissed me,
With a passion so intense.
You’re face in that moment was blissful,
“I love you too babygirl.”

Cycles
You complain,
You are given advice,
And yet still complaining.

Rather than leaving it be,
Changing for yourself.
You stay around them.
All of the toxic chemicals circles you.

And you let it.
So I must sit by and watch you crumble.
Giving you lying praise.
That’s what you want.

You shown no different.

I will never understand how you can break someone who loved you.
Just loved you when nobody else believed in you.
Changed myself for you, lost my morals for you.
Stopped caring about me and my trama to hold onto yours for you.

I wonder what you truly think about at night.
Do you wonder how much it cost you?
Was I ever really worth it?
Do you understand how much I’m hurting?

You shattered what was left of me.
Anything I had left to offer was taken almost three years ago and you broke what was left.
Someone you said you loved, and you showed angst towards me.

My heart yearns for you still.
Your scent is trapped in memory.
I wouldn’t come back, I couldn’t.
You broke me and took everything with you.

I used to look at you and see the universe light up in your eyes.
The glitter of a thousand worlds,
Captured in those brown eyes.
My world revolved around you,
As the Earth does around the Sun.
You held me your hands as if I was fragile seashell,
Yet your grasp was firm and demanding.
Voicing concerns always in vain,
You delt the cards I had to face.
What I had thought you gave was nothing to what I thought it was,
Love doesn’t endure such crazy madness.
I had made mistakes I cannot take back,
I **** myself for what is done and you see nothing.
Blind as the joke you say,
You never noticed yourself pull away.
Bleeding through hands and feet I held on for you to stay,
Hopping you’ll come back home to me.
The world doesn’t work as such and I’ve come to terms that your eyes held not of the universe and worlds,
But of those whose souls you stole and ate to only spit out.
You had my entire being regardless of flaws,
Now it’s time to continue with myself,
Alone is what was meant for me.

Oh how this could go.
One way it ends in your favor.
The other in bane.

Nervousness and thrilled.
Butterflies erupt in a way that haven’t before.
I’ve seen you thousands of times,
Heard your words.

So why does this feel different?
I do not know,
But life is a risk.
I suppose I’ll take another one on.

Her name is heaven,
Saint-like,
Yet she was wanted.
Her impurity shown with every comment,
Her façade being poked and prodded by myself.
Yet I had lost,
Not just myself,
But you.
Screaming into the chest of my coworker,
Saying you loved her.
What does your love mean?

I buy a pack every two days,
Thinking today is gonna be my last.
I’m going to quit,
I will.
At least that’s the thought process.

The **** of the cigarette is on my lips,
******* in the chemicals and tabaco.
Nicotine,
A chemical driven to addiction.
An escape for two seconds of inhalation.
The calmness of the chemicals coursing through.

A sweet disgusting escape.
A cancer stick if you will.

Sitting alone at a table.
A pin on your hat to state yourself,
He/Him.
Our eyes had met and I knew,
I would be letting go finally.
I would be freed from horrid grasps,
Trifling ties of abuse of both sides.
He had saved me,
Just by sitting at table 33.

Your intentions were like cold ice,
Except with a burning sensation going down my body.
A virus continuously attacking my soul, only to feed yours.

Sweet whispers of lies and broken promises.
The one manipulating was you and you forced your problems onto me.
Attacking my very life.

You never cared and I should’ve seen it coming.
Now I see you. What you truly are.
A monster.
Un diablo.

You’ll get what you deserve and I can’t wait to watch as you fall.
Thinking you’re a saint when in reality you are an archangel.
One of the fallen.

I’m soaring through the clouds,
A cloud nine high.
Home.
It’s a glorious feeling,
It’s going to be okay and I can stop bleeding.

That is until..
I start again.
The thoughts,
Negative phrases and screaming sentences.
Pushing out these voices out and without notice,
I’ve pushed you out too.

I’m terrified of thoughts of you,
Believing that I am not worthy of them.
Two days till your birthday,
And I’m still lost.
I accepted the lies that were told,
I wasn’t strong enough to ward their thoughts.
I’m sorry.

•
I shall sit,
Let you continue on,
I’ll remain deep inside.
I shall watch you fall,
Falling off the mountains of lies,
To which makes you feel better for yourself.
The rising moon is soon,
Bubble and fester Into black nothingness,
Be what is meant.
•

It’s what I deserve.
The hurt, false words,
Every word.
Thus my punishment,
My karma.
Forever lost now that I did what I did,
Missing and wishing.
Yet I am the burden,
No matter what I do and try.
I am the wrong.
Always.

Sometimes I feel like I can’t feel anything.
What would be the point?  
To be in an endless hope and stagnant love?

Im glad you chose her.
It makes sense, all signs point to her and I’m just
Me.

Nothing special.
Never was..

Shoot even for my little sisters party.
Still treated like I’m less.
But I should be used to it.
Right?

The final act of it all drawing to a close at last and freedom awaits.  
Feeling the air come back in my lungs as I stand in mind.
The spotlight slowly burning out, growing dimmer and dimmer.
But why?
My light should be brighter than ever yet,
It’s dark.
Everywhere I look is black and yet I feel contained?
But I was just about to be free..
what happened..?

Every time after we talk I’m stuck in my anxiety.
Lost in my thoughts as they flip through all the good and of course,
All the bad.
Watching everything go by like a movie.

My stomach clenching like I’m doing a plank.
Shaky hands and sweaty palms.  
For what though?
You can’t hurt me and I hurt you.
Going two different directions.

So why are we making these excuses to communicate?
Is it really that hard to let each other go?
Who knows but,
I don’t like it.

Fight or flight.
Well with what’s happening.

I choose flight.

It’s time for joy and harmony.
Singing the classic carols we all know and love.
To be with your family and significant other.

My biggest joke of 2020.
To be alone on Christmas is nothing.
I’ve been through worse,
Not like anyone will ask for me or about me.

I’m suppose to be cheerful and bright,
But yet I’m doubtful and trite.
The loneliness I feel is indescribable,
My anger is consuming me,
Thoughts going about in my mind are toxic.

But you can’t run from yourself.

One day it’ll be different.
One day I’ll stop pushing people away.
It won’t come soon, as hard as I try.

Stuck and lost.
Same routine.
A **** starter.

One day I won’t have you in the back of my mind.
When I won’t wake up at 3:30-4 in the morning  hoping you’re awake.
Not having to cry when I think of all the things you said to me.
The lines you’ve crossed, never to torment me again.

I’ll be able to go and find someone who is truly worthy of me.
Someone to put as the blame wouldn’t cross their mind.
Being patient with me knowing how I am.
Someone to truly love me.
One day.

“I don’t get why you’re still in bed.”
“You need to go outside.”
You need to do this
You need to do that
You need...

What I need is the thoughts of negative thoughts to leave me head.
Then I could leave my bed.
The struggle to force myself out of bed only to do nothing in the process.
My drive and will and are slowly decreasing,
It’s almost nonexistent.
I feel still and emotionally gone.
Nothing I do is making me feel better

Here you stand.
With the grace of the devil,
You put your arms around.
Peace yet vulnerability,
Wrapping your hands around my heart.
You keep me sane yet insane,
I cry and you come to my aid.
Truly mesmerized by your darkness,
Exploding into a tremendous universe.
Just for two.

This feels stronger than before,
Which means the harder the fall.
Anxiety telling me it won’t be no different.
I try to push past it and sometimes I do.
Sometimes I don’t.

We know who was at fault for everything,
Me because i liked to start ****.
Which is true no doubt,
But now I’m terrified to mess up again.

I want this to be different so bad.
Hope is creeping around everywhere I turn,
But so does that small whisper once and while.

You think it’ll be different, but it won’t.

Merp..
now what can I think.
It’s scary, and I don’t want either of us too hurt.
We did enough of that.
I just hope I can overcome this..

Here we go again,
The spiral down and this time,
This time it’ll hurt.
Stuck in the same spot,
Neither wanting to move,
So we stay.
It’s okay,
It’s alright,
We got this,
All sweet nothing of lies.
Now you don’t get to have me,
You’ll see me smile brighter,
Laugh louder,
Conversation will go about.
In this life,
I won’t sit back and hurt,
Cry when I can’t,
Scream when frustrated,
I’ll survive.
I always do.