I made myself
Shoot friends and family
In the head

I'm "dreaming" again

I felt myself
Begin to fall
Off the cliff

I'm "dreaming" again

I watched you
Slide the knife
Across my skin

I'm "dreaming" again

I feel your
Hands on
My body

I'm "dreaming" again

I run to
Save my sister
But am never there in time

I'm "dreaming" again

I lose myself
In a horrible
Maze if terror

I'm "dreaming" again

I keep myself
Awake all night
So I don't feel this

*The nightmares are back

Pain is okay
Pain I can handle
Pain is quite simple

If you can't take it
Just go **** yourself

Hope is what hurts
Hope is what's hard
Hope is quite complicated

You see,
Hope is what keeps you alive
Beyond where you can't take it anymore

**Hope is not as hopeful as it seems

Sometimes the days are abysmal
I see no hope
But I think I should hope
Hoping that it would get better
For I feel guilty
That someone else in my place
Would do much better

Please,
It's not your fault

Don't blame yourself
For my mistakes

I'm sorry if I hurt you
I'm sorry if I caused you guilt

It wasn't your fault
I gave you no warning

There was nothing
You could have done

I'm sorry for burdening you
I'm sorry for causing you pain

But it wasn't your fault
It was mine

I want to write a happy poem
I truly do

But when I write
I let it pour straight
From my soul
To the paper

And happiness
You see,
Is something
My soul doesn't
Even remember

I want to write a happy poem
Honest

I've tried
And tried
But every time
They've ended up
In the trash

I want to write a happy poem
I really do

But apparently,
You need to be happy
To share
Happiness

Which means
All I can spread
Is sadness

I was hiking
With a nine year old boy
The other day

And suddenly he slipped

It wasn't a bad fall
Not even a scratch
I doubt if it even bruised

But he started crying
And screaming

He yelled,
I can't do it!
It hurts too much!
I have to go back!

And I said,
I know how that feels,
But you've just got to keep going
Because I knew he wasn't actually hurt

The thing was,
I was never talking about the hike

If I don't have to answer a text
I won't look at it
That way,
My phone continues to tell me
That I have a message
And I feel a little less alone,
Like someone actually
Wants to talk to me

I count my notebooks
Every morning
Before school
Even if I haven't touched them all night
Just to be extra sure

I smile when I'm sad
Just to look happy
For everyone out there
Even when the best thing
To do
Would be to cry my eyes out

I have a lot
Of silly habits

If a tree falls
In the forest
With no one around
Does it make a sound?

If I fall
In a crowd of people
But no one cares
*Was I ever alive?