Today was the first time I came close
I almost ended it in a post
Left to right I feel the fright
My pain is aching
What comes next
Inch by inch I take the test
Reeling with guilt and sorrow
I hate myself
Why can’t I be someone else
My body is a Perfect example of what not to be
Limp here limp there
I am disgusting
I hate myself all the time
Not just today
I want to slice my eyes open
As they don’t even work right
I am a walking disaster with nothing going for myself
I am so over it all
I cannot have what I desire I cannot have what I want
Someone is constantly judging me
With the looks of judgement
I feel condemned
Where is the honor in that
No...not even loyalty wins here
Who the hell is loyal these days
I hate myself
Not just today
Always

I don’t think I will ever have the courage to tell you how I feel. I am just going to write it to myself right here. Last I gave my heart to someone it fell through, I was so sure of it I bet my life. I put it to the test and found out just how bad were for each other. Then another and another. Time is hasty and I feel my time nearing. I am not sure what is going through your mind and I am not going to pretend to know. I can only guess. The events that have been happening have lead me to feel this way. I believe in my heart there is something in your heart for me. I am your friend first...one day maybe more. I don’t know if you want this for a brief moment or for a while. I cannot do a brief moment with you. I think that would destroy me. I have not felt this way about a person in a long time. Maybe I am babbling maybe I am imagining all of this. I feel like this has been going on for a while. Here and there. Please tell me what you are thinking....feeling?? Help me understand so I can understand these feelings or give them up. I don’t want to say I love you but I do I feel the words pressing against my lips as I suppress them from coming out. I don’t want to freak you out but I truly do love you. I am having a hard time admitting this to myself because I have been heartbroken a couple times which has made me doubtful and jaded. When I am with you those feelings disappear and all I feel is warmth and real love. Or is it my imagination. So many feelings all over the place. I feel like I am a chaotic mess because I am entranced and spelled by you. I know of the current situation and it is killing me. I stayed away so long but I can no longer do it. Breath me in or breath me out. Let me in or let me go. I wish to always be your friend if anything but I don’t ever think I can stop loving you

When will this day succeed
Apparent and clear
The universe has its ways
The path long and dark
Light barely comes through
Even a little glare helps...
A hint of hope takes over
Riding in the wind
Yesterday was a breeze
To fall through the cracks again
Time is precious
No on ever knows when our time nears
The end is never apparent
Riding in the wind...

Lost
I feel lost at every trickle
The water is cold tonight
The moment I went backwards
I realized once again my plans have been ruined
In the ruin I seek pity
Not because of the bright glare
Because of the glamour
Nothing else could feel this wrong
As my mind is wrapped in torment
I still think about my loss
How can I regain that trust back
How can I turn it back into a tune
Darkness in my thoughts
I go on with my day

As I walked over through the piles of people I came close
As I approached the love of my life I touched his back twice to get his attention
Looking to the left I could clearly see the sweat fall off other people
The faces of others.....so happy and drunk with love...literally
Finally, finally he saw me.
With our eyes finally gazing at each other and our hearts beating I felt his warmth as he hugged me
My soul was swept away by his loving eyes
As I began to talk he gazed at me and I spoke about 3 words then he just plunged his lips upon mine
5 seconds felt like eternity for me
It was as if all he wanted was that one last kiss. All he wanted was to feel my lips one last time
As we removed ourselves from each other I was still in his arms gazing up at him as he was looking down at me
I was taken back without a word
I could say nothing but stare up at him
His lip were warm and wet I could feel his spit in my mouth
May sound gross to you but glorious to me
Finally after realizing that we were staring too long he turned his attention to another and that was it
My last dance with my one true love
I don’t think I will ever have a moment like that again
The truth is I realized in that moment I still love him I never stopped
I will never love another like I love him.

Constantly being accused that I don’t care
Consistent with my bargain of the deal
What’s with these folks
Up I am and fighting the masses
Struggling with my mind
Is it too much to ask to be and feel appreciated
No one does what they say
But I am to obey
Losing my grip on reality
I am broken from fear and shame
Don’t judge me
I am against pain
And that is beating me
Tearing into my soul
Going on without a thought
I continue to smile behind the mask

Laying here
Thinking of you
How our eyes met
Burning deep down
Eyes capture the soul
Twisting in colour
Radiant with sound
This brings us together
Flashing smiles are not enough
Longing and aching overcoming
Why is this so hard
Aching for that soft touch
Stroking everything
Will that day come
******* to a mess
Too early too young
Regrets
Sing into me
Slip and slide
No longer can hide
Feelings and emotions
Taken over

Are you awake??? I feel like I am drowning. I am falling into a pool of tears. My heart feels empty as I write. What it wrong with me? Why do I do this? I am selfish with loneliness. I feel pain all around me. I don't want the pain to shape me. Somehow it seems to win. This pain is fulfilling. Why??? Not even I can explain. When will my tears dry up? I am furious with this out come. I just want to cry night and day. So my flooded pain can dissipate.

Room of Echos

Senseless I have taken from you
A splendor I love enduring
Resting upon riches of loneliness
I am at ease
The tears fall...
For the joy of my freedom is great
I am immortal now
Not full of hate
As the words pour out
I...I thank you
Asking for your forgiveness in return
I plead with you
The end ...

Candice S.

Disappear on me
Just like the rest
Loyalty put to the test
My mind is blown in several places
My heart pierced into....
Beneath the wind of guiltless nights
She waits in the cold air
Dry with fright
As cold as night
Sitting in that cave alone
Waiting for the day you will go away
Tear drops soaking in the rain
For now the day has returned
Warming her lips
Feeling the love wrap around
One more glimpse curls her lips
The deep sounds of his voice is soothing
Not mistaking these vibrations
Sun goes down in this valley
Unsure again
Waiting for the return or like always
The end

I often wake up in sweats afterwards
My paranoid enjoyments began to seize me
I felt wrapped in the wonderment of it all only to fall back into reality
Taking a step back I begin to recognize my failure
The emotions fly around like a wild animal desperate for life
Inching closer to death I suddenly feel alive
Sprung into action and free
Will my sanity be saved today
Will my course be set
Will my mind be free
Tormented by daily pictures of memories
Keeps me at bay
Racing...forever fast
The end is coming
But not until my next meal

Silence...dead as a door nail
That’s what I will be
Will they miss my laugh
My cry, my scream and most of all my song
Constantly being told I am the problem
Constantly being blamed for it all
Nothing eases my suffering
All I do is sit here now I sit here without voice
I am not allowed to say how I feel
Everything is based on my tone, my volume my way of speech
It is not just advice anymore
Way over this ****
I am thinking real badly of myself
The worse I fall in the worse it gets
Nothing eases my pain
Not even the right stuff
I just want to, need to disappear
Maybe I will be missed
Most likely they will cheer for me to never return
Not even from the ocean.

“Do you miss me
  Our constant thing
Do you miss the way I looked in your eyes
  The contact we made when others watched
Do you miss the way it felt
  The feeling of excitement every single time our silent steams met
  Both hot and cold caressing through out the night
Others felt this too
  It made them swim in happiness
Intoxicating them...wishing they had this constant thing
  Chemistry meant the world...that was it
Nothing felt better
  I don’t feel I have that now...not with anyone
Not one single person made me want it the way I do now
  Dancing on flames I felt a fire burning with you
If only I can get that feeling again
  You don’t miss me the way I do
This constant thing we had.
  It was rough, loving, amazing and hard as hell
We always seemed to push through
  There was a time where I felt a gentleness that I never would have thought
Mixed in the pleasures of life we soaked up the world
  Do you miss me
Our constant thing
  Do you miss me like I miss you
One thing is for sure
  Many people really do”

Sadness
I feel empty
The tears stream down
Plotting a victory
Nothing seems to take shape
The glass has shattered
My memories bring me guilt and shame
My memories drive my pain away
My memories make me feel awake
My memories forever a good thing

Peachy to the taste
If this makes sense
I have yet to understand true bliss
Love I felt years ago
Reciprocated no more
With a shhh and a blow
Taken away without lifting a finger
This is the most hollow I have felt
1, 2, 3, 4....all have left
Put down with a promise ring
Forever lost in the endless sea
My heart has skipped a beat and flown high
The difference is I am still down on earth
Wishing I could fly
Far from my agony, far from the dust
Nothing seems to matter these days
Why do I have such luck
Waiting for my big break but weighted down
You all see my smiling...inside I frown
I hate the world today
My life isn’t a mess
I just want my brain to take a small rest
I feel empty
The cave is full
My emotions, life, ego
My heart has once again fallen
Not the way you think
I ache with grief regretting my past everything

How do you say I love you without words
How do you make that real
Is it the way you look at a person
The way they make you smile
The way you see through them
I am so confused by my ways
I love and then I don’t
I second guess myself in every way
I am wrong then I end up right
I just want to feel justified and loved
I want to feel unharmed by my feelings
I want to just feel
That happy warm feeling that everyone has....I want it too
I want someone to write a song about me
I want to feel pretty, I want to just feel
I feel so empty especially when I hear the same old news
Not harmful but just sad news that shouldn’t be news to me
The same old same old
No feelings of love just the looks, just the yearning
As we both remain silent

Envious of your world
Took me for a trip
Washed your scent off yesterday
Only took a second to forget
Wasted moments on a bed of lies
Waited hopelessly
Never batted an eye
Wanted more
Getting less
Is this all I have to regret
Missing the pictures
Memories of time
Only never to have a dry eye
Wanted more
Getting less
That’s what it was
Now I know
I was not the cause

Left alone in the dust
They know my secret
Wide open and exposed
They swept me up
No one can understand my sorrow
My continued pain
I love so hard that no one ever comes back for me
Turn around I am screaming
Love me back like I do you
Can’t you see I burn for you
Your passion is fiery
My heart is at a blaze
Can’t you hear my crying
Can’t you see my pain
Too hard to read
Too hard to get
Not enough to forgot where I stand
My pain is never ending
My heart is (forever) broken again
When will it end dear god
When will this end

Why cry for the same person...

We have links
Several we want to sever but just can’t
Even though we are breaking inside
The constant reminder of that link being there is calming
A painful calming
Resistant to the thought of loss
Forgetting is too cruel
Why is that so hard
No one wants to disappear
Out of mind anyway
I have links I cannot get rid of
Yearning to rid myself of the guilt
But I ask and ask if I really care about it?
But I do and don’t
My throbbing heart is hurting due to this exhausting reminder

I have never been so hesitant to say
“It is over”
Over before it has started
I intentionally make sure my heart is safe
I cover it up with plastic
so much so that it suffocates
Nothing in this world is more painful
Than heartache
It sets the mind back
Twists the soul
Makes you weep til there is nothing left
I have not felt this pain for a long time
Tears fall.....dropping into a pool of sadness.
Ready to give up the load and feel numb
I can’t say I am over this...but honestly I am
I have to be....
For my sanity is slipping.
As I try to run away from this madness they call love.

Jealousy
                All around it is seen
Working through each crack
                Waiting to be revealed
Hope falls short
                Wishing for the best
Never to be
                Just like the rest
Dreams fade
                Reality sets in
Is this it
                Mind gushing with
Memories that we want to forget

                Wait for it
Nothing but regret

Always reaching
Never receiving
That end we all want
Is it that hard to locate
My sensitivity is lessened
Bumbling fool...
That’s how I am seen
An idiot to the end
Always chasing what I can’t have
My suffering is never ending
I can’t seem to escape my past
Stumbling forever in the future
Why can I not have a “changing of the guards”
A quote I find fascinating
Same face, same smile same thing
An open book
A transparent cover
Cold and distant alone
Fake with all smiles in the wind
Next to nothing
I feel weightless today

Why do I feel so hurt by this action
What can justify my feelings
At the pit of my stomach I feel ill
Why can’t I turn a blind eye
A taste of youthful lust
Yearning is so overrated
I can barely breathe because of what I saw
I have no right
You deserve to be happy
I enjoy our gatherings
Our secret yearnings through speech
I miss your messy hair and your worried look
I miss your wanting to make me happy in every way
Playfully flirting with quick looks
Orange and white are your favorite color...excuse me sir
God I love how you mess with your hair
Observing every little thing
Nothing will make this easy
When you break away from me
I feel the wall coming up
Disappearing into the sun and ocean