they both require so much ******* effort and I cant

GASPING I
fall from the bed, embarrassed I attempt
a climb
but I pull the sheets from my bed with clammy hands
that shske
and quiver
i cant see anymorew

this body aches
from my mother's house
from the lack of nutrition
from the fresh burns
but i promised I'd stop
but I promised
but you aren't here to stop me.
I'll smoke as much **** as I need to.
and fantasize about the intelligent, soft-spoken
well-worded
perfect everything
he likes my poetry, and says it reminds
him
of Simon Armitage

tell me you understand
pretend you can feel my pain
put yourself in my shoes
buy me food when I say I'm not even hungry
watch my face when I leave the bathroom
ask if I've eaten
care
at all

don't do any of these things
I'm giving that up for good

my chest
as I come down from the vivid high
and sink back into my concrete shoes
and forget the hunger I had for
life
and anything
even food, but now
I feel the pain
return
as I recall
getting into the car
the was no space, so she let me sit
on her lap
and she doesn't let anyone hug or
touch her
I invaded her space, for a time
then she was silently
alright with me.
But she mentioned I gained weight
and how much her legs hurt
15 pounds
i wanted to cry out
i never feel this way
but the drugs have worn off
my pains have returned
my aches, my deep wounds
emotion and memories
and the little ***** who lives in my left breast and steals my energy and
                                                        sanit­y
either way
that's all i remember
and I'm never going to eat again