I didn't even know
That I would stay up this long
Because I am TIRED guys
Not crazy so..
leave me alone
When you say
That I should let the words go to sleep
because when my head is done for
anything that is said
written
communicated in one way or another
it is so ******* done
that there is no meaning
to be had
other than I am ******* tired

we couldn't find the page you were looking for
the one where you made the mistake of asking the internet
if you were ******* normal
haha what a laugh
obviously people don't have thoughts like yours
it's quite clear that people don't have to constantly fight themselves
but hey its me
isn't it?
i'm full of wonders, aren't i?

She is 70 with a lot on her mind
She is 70, and one of a kind
But recently, she's been acting
Like she is 5
Holding everything in
And coping with bad jokes
And relying on other people
To do the most basic of tasks
She 70 years old
Acting like she's five
She wants to antagonize
And act like she's 2
She wants her bottle
Or at least to annoy you
She's 70 years old
And acting like she's five

I'm here in presence
But not in mind
In my head, I am running away with you
Down road that no one knew
And we talk about all the things we dreamed of
Even as I'm not the one that you want

But I can sit here
Absentmindedly
Picking at all of my clothes
Waiting for you to come and take me away
Even though I know
I will never see that day

ACHHHHHH!
Let me go, just let me be
Don't clutch me in your trap of poetry
I am tired of writing words
That don't have any meaning to me
I am tired of doing this
Just so I can get noticed
For me this isn't a hobby
This is something I want to do
For the rest of my years
I want to write away every little thing
Every tear, every fear
I am tired of writing for recognition
I am tired of not being able to get my book into the public
I am tired of not being able
To share what I want
I am tired of not being able to share my lovely books
I am tired of being trapped in recognition
I am just---- ACCCHHHHHHHH forever

I'm afraid to love
Because I know people who "loved"
And hated it
Because it made them feel everything at once

And it hurt them
Because love is blind
And I'm afraid to love
Because I already can't see

Trust me
Age is just a number
I am a young child
With the brain of someone much older
Maybe I should know more
About finances
Or something useful
But so far
I know about all the things in life
That adults keep secret
I don't care that I have a young face
I have a soul that has seen better days
Stuck in a body that doesn't fit who I am
In a place where happiness doesn't exist
If you saw what I see my personality as
You would see a girl with green hair
(Old grey at the roots)
Three lip rings
Two stretched ears
Baggy pants
Tucked into combat boots
I would have the harsh face
Of a thirty-year-old chain smoker
I wore heavy dark eyeshadow
And liner that reached my hairline
And my green mess on my head
Would be put into a Janis Ian style
And in your pain
I would offer a grim smile
My body would be ravaged with time
Like a sharp rock
Stepped on one too many times
Age is just a number
I've seen too much
In such little time
Even in my mind, I am thirty
No one can take that away

Green forests
Dark places
Romance and lies
I'm sorry that I came to this alien planet
I don't belong here
My heart belongs
To dry grass
And smoky summers
Not this green
Rain filled place
That only sees the sun
In the last three days of summer
I'm sorry that I don't belong on this alien planet with you
The darkness envelops me
Trapping me in a hazy greyish blue fog
I am pushing away the tendrils
Of murky gloom
That find me when I am running after you
I don't belong to this alien planet
That is only seen through the dark green trees
Follow the river of my mind
Into the cascading waterfall
The cliff that follows the Divide
I am sick and twisted
But not in the right way
I am sorry that I cannot stay
On this alien planet
A world so blue

I am upside down
Tossed this way and that
I am twisting with the beat
Of this song that is life
I am a dancer
That picks up on the winds of time
Follow the path
That leads to your demise
Welcome the alien planet
Where skies are a dull grey
The land is dark green
And cloud cover is constant
Where the mist of time
Takes over your mind
Welcome to the Alien Planet
This is where you reside

i've started watching children's movies
because i can't take a big plot anymore
after everything that i've seen,
something more than a kid's plot makes a dull pain in my head

i've made everything light green,
so i don't overload on color
so that my senses aren't assaulted by the barrage of defiance
willing me to speak at it's unsightlyness

i've started shutting down,
going into to default,
because if i keep creating personalities for other people,
i might just explode

i've left everyone alone
because i can't be trusted anymore.

Dear moonchild,
If you are reading this
You know about the sun
How its rays mean it's our time to sleep
Because we aren't the normal creatures of the Earth
Sometimes they tell us
That our smiles are menacing
When we meet up at the in-betweens
Dawn, and dusk
I've only known a few day wakers
They found me too profound
My silvery skin
And gray hair too much from them
My smile brought tears
My skin too real for them
You see, moon child,
You'll always be too different for the day wakers
But it doesn't matter
Because we sleep with the moon
The natural state of the Earth
In the forest
With all of the other little creatures
They thought too extreme
Or not extreme enough for them
We are never right
But I think
In their pink skin
And brown hair
They look like fools
Their stupidity detracting away from their non-existence
So moon child,
Only rise when the moon is up
And sleep when it is down
We don't follow the rules
Of the day waker's sun

You cannot draw me
Can't properly express me in words
You want to write me down
Try to convey your hurt
But you cannot do so
When words cannot rightfully tell
What you've been through
If you've been through hell

You cannot draw an emotion
Even if you can bend it to your will
You can, however, bleed it dry
And let the overflow spill
Into your poems with intentions unknown
And hope for the best of luck
When everything is gone
And you've got nothing left

Emotion is hard to see
To the untrained eye
But those who have seen the deepest depths
Know when others are about to cry

I want a nice boy who writes
Because he'll understand
Why I have this search history

I want a nice boy who writes
Because he'll have answers to all my questions

I want a nice boy who writes
Because he'll understand me

I want a nice boy who writes
Because he'll watch me finish my book
And read it with pride

I want a nice boy who writes
And tells me all the best obscure
Internet cafe

I want a nice boy who writes
Because for once someone
Will understand my mind

Anybody there?
I ask in my head,
Answered by silence
Something isn't right
There was always a voice
Telling me I'm a loser
Or something of the sort
But today there was no voice
Not even a whisper

I want my enemy back
I want her to tell me something bad
To feel something again
But when I ask if anyone is there
I am answered with a lack
Something missing
That will probably be back
Goodbye for now
My long lost friend
I'll ask later
Is anybody there?

I am tired
Of wanting to create a masterpiece
But not having enough energy to do it.
I feel bored
I want to do something
But when I get up
To create that beautiful masterpiece
I am drawn back by knowing I don't have the talent
And that whatever it is I make
Is never going to be seen
So I realize, what the hell is the point?
There isn't one, I know now
If no one sees what I make
There is nothing that I can do
To make it real
So I guess that I will never be seen
And my great masterpiece will never be revealed

I was going to write a poem about chains and dungeons
Just to illustrate how you had trapped me
But that wasn't true
You haven't trapped me
I have trapped myself
In your strange wake that bring me near
Then pushes me back out the ocean of the people caught on your riptide

I was going to write a poem about chains and dungeons
Just so that I could tell about what you had done
How you had kept me there to torture me
And how you didn't know that you were
But then I found that it was all a lie

I was going to write about chains and dungeons
Tell about how you did this to me
But I decided to tell the truth about  this cage
It's made of the strongest brick,
The biggest chains that wrap around me like a python
But this torture
It's self-imposed

All of the people around me want me to be happy
I can't say that I don't deserve it
But it certainly is hard to write it
I wanted to have full control
To have the reader in my grasp
I wanted to see them writhe with pain
That I will always have

I don't let go of my past
It will never truly fade
Even though I should let it go
I can never truly move on
Sometimes I just want other people to hear me out
To understand that I am who I am for a reason

I wanted to write a poem for happiness
But for me, I think that it can never truly be done

I wish there was a poem for life
Not so many written in the late hours of the night
One that could express love and anguish
All in the same sentence
One that could describe grief and the feeling of a knife
All in the same line

A poem that you could memorize
And tell it to yourself
On all the lonely nights
A poem that could make you laugh and cry
In one sonnet
You would thank whoever wrote it
And cry when they said they didn't
Then your tears would fill yet another ocean

Some people have told me my dreams are something I will never reach
And I have told them to wait until they can really see
Some of them do
They wait for me to succeed but others just sit there
Plan
Commiserate
And curse me when I got there just fine
I laugh when I wish for something
Than obtain it the minute

I wished for a poem of life
It turns out I've already wrote it

you know that i can't miss the way it was
because we never were
nothing can be used in that way
that grouping "we"
i could never say that about you
all i was to you
was nothingness
a friend you needed to comfort
when all the words didn't get to her head
i obviously couldn't say the same about you
you were so much more to me than you could ever think
all of the words you said
all the warmth i felt in your skin
resonated in my head for weeks
there was no "us"
but i keep talking about it as if there was

you nearly hit me
you know i have a problem with that

of course i flinch and of course you say sorry
then you just move on with recklessness
with no regard to me

you edge closer and closer
to leaving a bruise on my face
but you don't care
as long as i don't flinch
you don't have to apologize, it'll all be fine
in the end,
right?

Become the character
That you write
Lose your reality
A little more
Every night
I am tired of this dullness
Give me an adventure
Let me become the character
That I have worked on so hard
To write

I feel better now
Like I can live in my skin
I feel better with my soul
Less of a need to fit in
I think that I am beautiful
And for once in a very very long time
I don't feel fat
Even though I probably am
I just feel like I could go on existing
In this pale sack of skin
After all, what matters most
Is what happens to your soul
Your body is just a vehicle
Learn it from the best people,
Right?

So trust me when I say,
If you want to take this time to be better
If you want to improve
You've got my support
But you're already perfect
Pure and true

this big white monster taunts me,
tries to grab my ankles
when i walk past it lying there on the floor

this big white monster holds me
and says it's sorry for scaring me,
that everything will be alright

this big white monster crinkles and folds
after all the words i wrote down
didn't sound right
eraser mark after eraser mark
and i decided i would destroy the monster
who stared at me blankly

who gave this big white monster
the right to be so gentle?
who gave this big white monster a soul?

who told my big white monster
that it was just paper
and a few pencil marks
nothing more?

It's all black and white
They tell me inside my small little brain
Don't question anything*
They say quietly
But I don't want to fall asleep
I am too tired a soul
To go down this long and weary road
I don't want to do anything but write
But I cry too much to see the screen
I wish it was all black and white
But I can't accept that
There are too many grey areas
On to many things
*It's not all black and white *
A small voice finally says inside
*There is some brown too

I want to shift the blame to anyone
The people around me who ******* up
The idiots who made Covid-19
The people who won't let us out of our lease
The ***** who can't keep money in the bank
And the woman who loves him
I want to blame this
On people I know
On people that I used to love
I want to blame this
On people that have ******* up
But really this is just life
So I need to keep my mouth shut
And stare down at the ground
Because this is life
And I can't blame shift
Because that is just a lie.

my eyes are bleeding
red dots fill my sclera
my cornea is bruised
from seeing all this chaos

my iris is small
and my pupil big
from all the darkness
in which I had to live

I am sorry to everyone
whose life I have darkened
but will you please stop darkening mine
it's just not fair.

Please stop making my eyes bleed
it hurts too much to stand
I cannot live this way
my life is out of command

please let my eyes take a break
from the screen
please

I want a rest
to not be imprisoned
behind my eyes
because the world has been harsh
and there is so much punishment
for being who you are

let my bleeding eyes rest

Blues and greens
Soft and hard,
cold and warm
Brightly gleaming
Looking pretty
They are so cold
Just like winter
Making skin look pale
And snow every whiter
Blues and greens
Obsession like fire

Bones rattle together
As the dead start to rise
As the population decreases
Secret have started to die
Until that one day
When secrets
Are no longer what they are
Secrets are an ever seething
White marble scars

Broken words
Sharper than glass
Break the girl's heart
As the blade breaks her skin
What you had done
Has broken her apart
She wanted your love
She wanted to know that you cared
But when she found out the truth
And how many miles away it was
She started breaking apart

She wanted your love
She wanted you heart
But she never wanted you
To break her apart

soooo...
as much fun as it is
to break myself over and over again
I'll get extra critical
of the boy I want
making him no longer desirable
just about as much so as I am to him
soon I won't notice him
and I'll be able to ignore the texts
I'll make him so unworthy of everything that is me
and my chaotic being
sorry
I don't mean to
this is just my mind doing a poor job protecting me

Looking without seeing
Hearing without listening
Eating without tasting
Bleeding without feeling
Pacing but not walking
Hoping but not praying
Crazed without lunacy
Taking without wanting
Breathing but not living

Surrounded without belonging
Alone without loneliness
Saying without believing
Speaking without thinking
Desperation is overcoming
As I try to find a way
To not breath without living

after last night
when you said you didn't want me
and you toyed with me
and you hurt me
i don't want to talk to you
i kind of want to pretend that it never actually happened
but i can't actually do that
not really
i can't just run back to you and apologize,
say that it's all fine
i did some things too
some things that probably hurt you
somethings that i regret
even if i refuse to apologize for them
i feel bad
but i kind of don't at the same time
you said some pretty freaking hurtful ****
i wish that it wasn't like this

but is it even really like this?
or is it just pity?
is it just you trying to make me feel better?
hoping that I do something better
the bottom line is that I don't believe you
I don't believe any of it
I'm sorry but
am I really?

I don't know anymore
I really have no idea what this is
and I really, really hate it

My flock left me
When I fell from that branch
Hoping I could fly
I broke a wing
Now I'm prepared to die
I am unsafe
Just another piece of meat
To just another animal
That thinks that they want me
I am pointless,
There is no hope
I am a wingless bird
A wonder to us all

I sit alone at the table
I watch as my friends walk past
Failing to meet my soft gaze
Do I look pretty to you?
Or do I just look
Like something that you've never seen?
Why do you look at me so,
When you know you have no feelings
For me, other than to loathe?
Can I ever be loved
By a person who knows?

I see the couples making out in the halls
Their passion bigger than their egos
Which are big enough to cover the earth
In one fell swoop
Darkening everyone's door step
But not a single person will look at me
For I fear that I am ordinary
Just another person in the crowd
Unseen to the naked eye
Can I ever be loved?

For I know that you'll never share my feelings
You'll always fail to meet my gaze
When I bump into you,
You'll be repulsed to the point of running away
Surrounding yourself with danger
Is not going to keep love away
But it has for me
And now I want to give way
To the possibility
That the danger will never fade

Can I ever be loved?

She won't say no
Never has
She lets people into her life
A life they haven't let her begin
She is living a lie
Just trying to please herself
I am tired of this nonsense
I can't help it anymore

I want her to know
How to empathize
When all she does is yell at me
And tell me that I can't understand
When all I have done
Is been too old for my body
And slaving away like an adult
The only difference is that I
Don't have a job

She likes to tell me
That I am just young
To enjoy while I still can
What she doesn't understand
Is that youth doesn't mean much now
That youth is just something
Meant to bring you down
I have never been young.
I have lived all my life
Like I am ten years older than my age
Right now,
I am 40,
And I am handling your ****

I've always hidden in the shadows
Casted by everyone I've ever known
But I've never casted a shadow for anyone
Not even to block my eyes their sun

Cherry blossoms fall from trees
In a beautiful scene
Mixing with lilacs
And the scent of lavender
I waited for you to come here
Waited when the snow fell
And before that, the leaves
It feels as though I am stuck here
For all eternity

I watch cherry blossoms
Fall from the tree above my head
Look for your halo of beautiful blond hair
Your amazing blue eyes
That shown me through the darkest night
Cherry blossoms fall
Marking you vanity

I wait for you to come
Under this cherry tree
Where we first met
I know that we're locked up
In a self-induced quarantine
But I'll wait while the blossoms fall
Wait for you to find me
Under the shade of these pink blossoms
That showed me shade
In times of light

I'm seeing clearly
Through the tears
Because what I need to see
Is something to do
Something to write
And so far I haven't found it
Behind these sleepless eyes
Because I am too tired
To deal with anything
Other than my drooping lids
And my tear crusted face
But other than that
Life is just great

Fear is consuming
I don't want to live
But I'm too scared to die
I wonder what I'm worth
If my life is worth anything at all

Depression is consuming
It eats away at me with it's acidic teeth
I have been poisoned
This is what depression does to me

Emotions consume me
Leaving me alone and afraid
Fear fills my bones
As I wonder what is there left to live for
Is there anything left to live for
Other than the rainy days that me feel right
And the way I feel on those lonely gloomy nights

People don't understand why there's nothing left of me
I have been consumed by everything I find consuming

coping by not caring
by not eating anymore
taking away the things i need
like sleep and a peaceful mind
now everything around me is like a battlefield
a battlefield mind
and battlefield soul
and everything else is nothing
my aching stomach, just a side effect
my never-ending headache
well, it's always been there

**** is the only crime
That saying you "couldn't resist"
Is a defense
Whereas for other crimes
That is a confession

Stop saying you can't resist
Because you can
And not doing something
Is easier than doing it

People don't **** outfits
People **** people
Don't say she was asking for it
No one asks to be violated

No one

And everyone can resist

It's

So

*******

Easy

Cracking my neck
Preparing for battle
Calling my men
Those of whom you can't rattle
You cannot play these mind games
It won't work, these men have been tamed
Place all your bets
Put down your day's wage
Watch and listen
As we end your meaningless day

Cracking my neck
Reading my best work
Laying you to rest
As I read my last word
This adventure has been fun
I'm telling you, it has
But the story is done
You must now go to bed

The paper was crumpled
Where her tears had fallen from the air
She put everything into the pencil marks on the page
Until the day in which it was torn away
She cried so more when people read the words
And called her strange for feeling something inside

The only thing strange was that she felt what they did
Only so much more
They were too scared to show it
Too scared to write it down
Until that day when her tears streaked
The crumpled paper
In which her feelings were shown

She was one of them too
She knew that they would never know
How it felt to have it all there
On the crumpled paper
Because the paper never called you strange
It knew all too well that pain that you were feeling
And everything that you were going through
She found that crumpled
Piece of paper
Quite relatable

C rying all the night through

R inging our the pillow case

Y ou haven't come home yet

I doubt that it with ever happen

N ever felt like this before

G o away. I know of you lies

Crystalline eyes
Clear as water
Clouded by drugs
Not knowing who she loves

**** turned into *******
And ******* into LSD
LSD into ****
And those crystalline eyes
Turned into methamphetamines

Crystalline eyes
Staring through me
Turned into rocks
Shrouded by a fog of misery

Why did she want to be
So crystalline?

I find myself within the darkest night
One with inescapable pain
And rocks chipping me away
I am in the dark night of the soul
One of the worst times in my life
I wonder how the moon ever looked bright

'Will I ever come out of this night?'
'I don't really know'
My mother told me when I was thirteen years old
I was already tired of life
Worn down to a crackling wire
That sparks to the touch
I'm dangerous to those who know me
And even those who don't, know enough
I'm trapped in the dark night of the soul
Can someone please open a window?

The dark night of the soul
Envelopes me in its embrace
Smiles as it kisses my face
'Hush,' she says,
'Everything will be okay'
But I have run from this night that has taken me, hostage
I have escaped this cage of the day unlit

If this is my dark night of the soul
I would like you all to know
That I never wanted to be like this
Living in this monstrous world
I am trapped in a place that I cannot see
For vast distances and in between
I am blinded by unforgiving fear
Of what will happen when you come near
Writing is my blade
And I wield it to scar
If you caused this dark night of the soul
I'll never know who you are
Because there is no one who causes this pain
Just me alone, with my nameless name

He has dark hair
Almost like the night
Dark enough to seem as though it was black
Even though it was blue shining bright
He is completely different in the day
Saying things he would never say
His mouth is a cruel curve
Because everything he says is absurd
His eyes a gleaming blue
To match his night-like hair
He isn't you
I wish you were here

She stood there
Like the sun sits in the sky
Blank and waiting
Breathing until the moon arrives
Her dark skin
Is a memory
Of the ash and soot she trudged through
Just to get to the battlefield
Just to say, 'I told you'
Her hair is weeping in the wind
A matted mess of former glory
She wonders would she have ever been
What she wanted if she had the chance too
But alas this girl was strong and wise
A memory of days gone by
Remembered only by the past
A memory that is bound to last