Dear Alok
God didnt create us
we created him
how would your message be delivered
when god is just an imaginative character ?
but you are real
i am real
she is real
he is real
shall I call you "she"
shall I call you "he"
lets figure out
who you are
you have *****
I have ******
you put dark lipstick
I put light colored
you put heavy make-ups
I keep it as simple as it is
you wear bra without anything to hold inside
and you keep it all open
I wish not to make people know i wear bra
I try to keep it as secret as it can be
though you say
you neither want to be called a woman
nor a man
why not men's wear then?
why women's wear you chose?
first decide who you are
what's the difference?
is it the gender or is it something else ?
your vulgarity was tolerated
coz it was you
if it was me
i would have named a ****
by the same crowd
who found you inspirational
in this case I am ditched
not you
coz you still are a man inside women's dress
you are man
your ***** makes you one
gender is not a problem
problem is your sexuality
not only your sexuality
but mine
his
everyone's
what matters here is commitment
love matters very little
*** is a taboo
sexuality is a taboo

Do you remember
those early days
when we started knowing each other?
the thrill of exploring each other
those were the days we were attracted to each other
but neither of us expressed
when we finally did
our meetings became frequent
we started sharing our weaknesses
we shared about our family
about everything around
not leaving anything more to explore
we touched
we loved

we quarreled

your existence felt like vanishing
then I finally approached break up
but then you realized you can't leave me
how could I stay?
when I already started knowing another stranger
exploring another stranger
I already started the same story again in different plot

Just because I am not that kind of woman
In past,
At present
Or may be never in future
It doesn’t mean I am not real
Although I don’t need to prove myself to anyone
Who I am is who I am
Neither can I change
Nor anyone else
Sometimes on days like this
When I am misunderstood
I feel like taking my heart out
Taking my brain out
And declare loud “see this is what I am”
Don’t give me your limited knowledge
Of how should a woman be
Of what am I suppose to be
What you think of me
Just don’t give me that

hence I live in present
what matters to me is the smile I have today
not the tears I may cry tomorrow

Though it seems you dislike me
Somewhere in my heart I still feel that it’s not true
Those kind words of yours I still remember
That moment we spend together, I still remember
Makes me feel you miss me too
You left me coz being together was never meant for us
You shouted at me coz you were angry for that
You didn’t explain coz that might have made me love you more
You hurt me coz you wanted that love to end there

Just because I am not that kind of woman
In past,
At present
Or may be never in future
It doesn’t mean I am not real
Although I don’t need to prove myself to anyone
Who I am is who I am
Neither can I change
Nor anyone else
Sometimes on days like this
When I am misunderstood
I feel like taking my heart out
Taking my brain out
And declare loud “see this is what I am”
Don’t give me your limited knowledge
Of how should a woman be
Of what is I suppose to be
What you think of me
Just don’t give me that

You still tolerating me?
Tolerating these *******?
If yes,
Tell me,
Are you a fake-ist?
A ****- ist?
Or
A Feminist?

I don't want you to fall in love with me
for love will **** attraction

I don't want you to come closer
for I would have a desire to touch you

I don't want to touch you
for I would want you to kiss me

I don't want you to kiss me
for I would want you to make love to me

I don't want you to make love to me
for I would want to make you mine forever

I don't want to make you mine forever
for I would be less interested in you

I don't want me get less interested in you
for I will search some one new

Therefore, I prefer to keep myself away from you
that way you will desire me and I would desire you

That yellow miniskirt
On
My
Cylindrical
Slim body,
Makes you uncontrolled,
I feel your fingers over me
That touch,
Your lips
And that fire you lighted on me
Gives you pleasure
The more you inhale me inside
The more you feel high
But suddenly
You leave me unsatisfied
Then,
I hear your voice
“Bro, can I have another cigarette?

If you are always gloomy when everything looks normal
If you are in dilemma what is right and what is wrong
If you are not able to decide which way to go
If you have been thinking of that freedom you want,

Then remember it’s not always poor to be unhappy
Many enlightened masters have felt this usually
Thus they chose their own path to find out the reason
And finally they were there with their principles, when they finished their path
Their path towards enlightenment,

Don’t be upset when you see others happy and you couldn’t make
Remember that they are following those principles provided
And you have rather chose your own path

Your own path towards your enlightenment

I don’t fight with Parkinson's
I live with it,
I have Parkinson's
and Parkinson's do have me,
I don’t hate Parkinson's
I want to fall in love with it,
We aren’t each other's enemy
We are the soul mates;

I born with each step of my leg
then I die
I born again with the another step
then I die
so my life is just about a foot step;

I don’t think about the distance I need to walk
I think about the step I take

I nomore struggle to get rid of parkinsons
rather I try to adjust

I have accepted it
I respect myself for it

I don’t hate parkinsons
I want to fall in love with it

Like every other day, Today also I tried to forget you
but I missed you more
I forced myself not to miss you
and then I cried
I tried to control my tears
I became crazy
I struggled to stay normal
then I looked weird
I found myself unreal
I tried to pretend to be me
people believed what I pretended
I tried to act happy
I started my work finally
I was alone in the room
again loneliness reminded me of you
I tried not to miss you
then I cried........................

Like every other day, today also I tried to forget you

And we stand facing each other in the hall
Romantic Spanish guitar in the background
Our lips were in the same level
My high heels made it possible
Your hands over my waist
Mine over your shoulders
Our eyes on eyes
And my feet on your feet
Now time for a game
My mouth moved that apple over your body
And if it fall, one kiss for one fall
I let it fall again and again so that I can have
enough kisses
You step ittle back with each crawl
I put all my strength on you that you fell on the
sofa
You lay there in sofa, and I stand
Still crawling that apple with my mouth
Suddenly the apple falls and crawls under the
sofa
I leave it and get over you
The music is still on and with the music I flow
I finally unbutton your shirt and turn off the
lights

I have a mirror
I know I look ordinary
The mirror tells the truth
But still
I want myself to be seen through your eyes
I want you to call me beautiful
I have seen far more beautiful girls in the street
But still I want to be the most beautiful for you

How stupid being in love is
You say “hey love, you are the most beautiful girl I ever saw”
I know that’s a lie,
But I get Goosebumps and butterflies
You make me believe your lie

I walk in unknown crowd
talking to myself
I am alone
but lonely no more

I am in a lane
far from so called home
I am finally me
I pretend no more

I value being alone coz I have been lonely
I value the far lane coz I have been caged
I value being me coz I have been pretending to be someone else

I really miss that thrill I used to feel when we started dating
I want to bring back the same moment exciting
Those days when we were not able keeping our hands off each other

So today when you are home, you will find our sleeping son
And me in a mood of beautiful seduction
Instead of regular powder I will be using formula flavored
That dress you gifted will be perfect not to cover my body tattoo
That would be the perfect accessory

I know you like my **** lips
But today I will apply some vanilla flavored gloss just to attract you towards it
My bronzed skin is itself ****, you always said
You will be all hot and bothered by the perfume I wear

If we coincidentally meet somewhere one of these days
I will look into your eyes and find the answers to my questions
those questions I have been asking
and you have been avoiding
I will find those answers
before my eyes filled with tears
before my tears start rolling down my cheeks
before I wipe them out
before you find I cried
before you feel irritated
before you feel like running away
before you fake an excuse
before I request you to stay for some more time
before you deny
before you walk away
before I find myself helpless
before I hate myself for looking into those eyes again
before I regret for meeting you again

just because he attracts you
just because he shows interest on you
don't let him do anything

even if he will be present physically
he wont be involved emotionally

hey lady,
a man loves to ****
but remember,
he hates a woman he *****

There comes a point in your life
when you stop enjoying romantic movie scenes anymore
touch feels skin
kiss feels yet another lips
getting together feels existing together
love feels commitment
and that commitment never feels romantic

you search for romance
you force for it
but never get the butterflies again

Have you realized?
with every tragedy you have learned to live alone
with every heart breaks, you have made yourself ready for another one
with every break ups, you have started a new relationship
have you realized?
with every end, you have begun something new

Forgetting you is not so hard
just some patience and some ignorance
but this feeling of having someone to like
feels so good that
despite your avoidance
despite your ignorance
despite your rudeness
I force myself to keep you in my mind
I force myself to wait for your response

When i was pregnant
I wished a son
not because I didn't like daughter
but because, I wanted no girl to suffer

I was a little girl
I didn't know my body parts
He was a grown up man
he knew which part was for what

he, my friends brother
who I too called a brother
he touched me here
he touched me there
he did this to me
and made me do that

even though I was a child
some uneasiness there was
I avoided getting out
I caged myself in my house

many times I tried to express
but dunno why I couldn't make

finally I found out
what he did to me
full of anger I was
tempted I was
for a slap in his face

but since I was a girl
I never said
I never expressed
that I was abused
this sad part of me
either I know
or he does

Better you stay far and see the twinkle
rather than coming closer to know the darkness

I am like a star
I need darkness to brighten

If you come closer
you will notice my sadness
more than my joys

you will find my flaws
you will advice me to be flawless
and leave me forever

If only I was allowed to see the world
the way I actually see it,
I would not be so void
when everything is at its best

The one who is seen by you or the one who lives inside me?
Am I fake outside or inside?
How I seem to be is not who I am inside.
But then I pretend to be whom you desire.
I struggle or may be just pretend to be a perfect daughter, a perfect sister, a perfect wife, a perfect daughter in law, a perfect mother,
overall a woman that is considered to be a perfect woman by the society.
I don't want to wear Kurta Surwal,
I don't want to drape a shawl,
I don't want to wear a pote, neither I want to wear a Tika or chura.
But then I wear them all when I come in front of you.
You say it's a tradition, it's a culture and related to husband's lifespan
I don't believe these nonsense but I never let you know my dislikes rather I choose to pretend..........................

Either he pays,
or he fakes love
for ***

Don’t just comment on others life
First try to walk on their shoes
Find out the hardness
When the shoes doesn’t fit and is lose

You have that fitting shoes
You are positive
Once try with a large size
And find out why I am negative

Don’t you think, I have tried
To make it fit by sewing
Your shoes are comfortable
So no need of altering

Let’s just exchange our shoes for sometime my dear
You experience with mine and I do the same with yours
When you find out the difference

Ask yourself whether the comment you gave was fair

next time you meet a young lady poet
I am sure you will keep yourself away

our dreams used to be the same
we used to have common aim
i was everything for you
for me there used to no one beside you

being with you was so full of fun
but when time passed on
that common aim
we find its no more the same

we lost our goal
we blamed each other but both has a role

enough gap came between us
unimportant matters entered with rush

when talking is my desire
i find you tired

when love you want to show
doesn't interest me anymore

you keep on saying, you are still the same
if that is true, i might be the one who changed

but doesnt this affect you? I wonder
are you serious, your silence would help here

the more i want this discussion to be taken seriously
the more i find it hard to break your silence

is this the end? Your answer, i get never?
Am i going to live like this forever?

Your feeling might be the same
but there is no doubt i feel its changed

may be i am wrong about this
isn't it your duty to prove it?

Oh dear, dont take these things so lightly
that i might be gone and it would be hard for you to find me

we set limits around us
and make a box from it
in that box we live
and name that box a "Society"

we get suffocated
living inside that closed box
and try to get some fresh air
but,
we are not allowed

Finally we find it hard to fit ourselves
within that box
once made by us

what if, we never made that box?
we would live happy without it
rather than trying to fit inside it.

either play with colors
or with words
both way you are an artist

If colors can make a self portrait
why not words?

considering myself an artist playing with words
this is my first self portrait

"a caged body
with a free soul,
that free soul
struggling to free own body"

Being alone is when you are surrounded by no one, neither by those who love you nor by those who hate you, when you are alone you feel more strong because you have no one upon whom you can depend. Independent is always strong.

whereas being lonely is when you are surrounded by people who say they love you, but you don't feel their love. you are very weak because you depend on them, because you hope they will help you get out of the loneliness, but unfortunately they cant

all your life, you struggle for love
when you know those who loved you had a big smile on their face
while you cried at your birth
your tears, who cared?
you kept on crying
they kept on celebrating

My saturated mind those days,
when I couldnt differentiate,
The Sun and The Moon
as your thought never ended,
either day or it was night,
when I talked
you became the subject,
when I stay quite
I felt you in the silence,
I dreamt about you if I closed my eyes
I had your vision with my open eyes
obsessive me, hardly could avoid you
when I tried, I failed
failed so bad, desperate I became,
Now, when I look back
I laugh at that silly me
who used to think its you
and will always be " only you"

Oh no, the time came
The same feeling again
Heartbeats I can hear
Even if there is no reason to fear
Am I sweating? I see my hands,
Yes, but why?
Heart so heavy
Moment so scary,
I try to avoid, but how?
I search for ways, this way, that way, which way?
I know this is not going to last,
But I might make it worst,
Oh no, why am I shaking?
People would notice,
Oh god please help me, help me this last time
Let me out of here
Or Let in some fresh air
Have I gone red?
Am I going to fall?
People would notice
Oh no, this time they would definitely notice

Uncontrolled thoughts
Restricted acts
Relatives, family and society
Comprises my identity
who is real me?
I still don’t know
for finding it, need a long way to go
but would I go alone?
Or take those relatives, family and society with me
If I went in a group
would I ever be able to find who is the real me?

Single I was born
This human world separated my soul and my body
I am now with a double personality,
One is “me” for myself
And another is the “me” for this world,

When I cry for myself
I laugh for this world
When I am happy with myself
For the world, I pretend to be sad,

When I talk I hear two voices of mine
I give a single speech
But automatically, it becomes two
Right becomes wrong
Wrong seems right,

I feel like I am an innocent child
But at the same time I seem to be a matured woman
My soul sees no reason to live for
But at the same time  I explain lots of reason that life worth,

We were not made for each other
But can’t we make it ourselves,

I don’t expect for life time
But can’t we make it for sometime,

Let’s go somewhere far
Far from our restrictions,
You and me and no one there

Those eyes, I hardly got to see
Let me dive in them for some hours,
Those lips, I hardly got to see
Let me kiss them for some hours,

Those wish unfulfilled
Let’s make them true my love,

Let’s make the moment so special
That even if when we are far,
We will enjoy missing each other
With the memory of that time together,