I woke up
With a clear head
For the first time in two months
not hiding underneath my pillowcase
For once
I knew what I wanted
And it wasn’t you
For once
I knew I couldn’t keep doing this,
Seeing you
Promising pure intentions
And ending with you curled up naked beside me

You can not make love where there is no love

And I no longer desire you.

For the repercussions have finally pushed me over the edge

I know what I want

And it isn’t you.

what brings me joy. Well shockingly, a few things.
1. A bright and warm, summer day.
2. A meal that I really like
3. Sinking into the couch and running some games with friends.
4. That feeling I get when all four wheels touch the ground and my legs become one with my skateboard. Rolling over the divots in the concrete, feeling the wind coat my skin, and my mind is set free to an endless form of creativity 
5. A nice slice of cake.  
6. Waking up at a time I decide.
7. Music that can fit my exact mood.  
8. Holding that someone special in my arms.
9. The first snowfall of the year.
10. a cold glass of rye, for the night I want to forget.
11. Hearing your voice, while you rest your head on my shoulder after a long day.
12. The feeling of your nails in my back, writing your passion on my skin.
13. The set of hands that fit perfectly with mine.
14. The sound of rain hitting my window at night.
15. You.

I have realized I have a very unstable mental state.
Like I'm pretty sure we have all seen that person on the street.
Where your first thought is, "yea they are on something".
That person is in control of my brain.
For example, a typical Friday night goes something like.

" I hate myself // you hate me // I love you // you love me but you actually hate me // I'm hungry // I want to die // sometimes I wish I was a squirrel // it would cool to have a pet sea monster // I hate myself".

But it's not all bad.
It feels like I have become aware of my emotions.
Being able to choose when something is funny, sad, or frustrating.
It's like a superpower that doesn't always work. Being able to smile on rainy days, is nice.
But not crying for losing someone close to you can be jarring to handle.
I am drowning in the dark ocean comprised of my anxiety and depression.
Losing oxygen and the will to try and swim back up.
I sink to the bottom, just to realize I can stand up.

skin left sore and damage.
My purple flesh leaves marks that signify hate within others.
Pain left from fathers and mothers, sister and brothers, friends or foe.
I  believe the skeletons I hide, have more guts than I do.
Being pushed around and abused by those close to me without fighting back.
But I know I would rather take a thousand cuts before giving one.
I may seem so well put together from the outside, but I know on the inside I have been torn apart.

She is a little bit crazy, weird, unusual, and it is impossible to know what's going on in her head.

I always enjoy talking to her, but she always leaves me on read.

 But besides all that I would compare her to a summer day.

 I feel the warmth when I am around her, seeing her brings me joy.

It's like my first crush from middle school, I feel like a little boy.

I stumble my words when I talk to her, she twists my tongue so I slur. 

She makes me nervous and I love it,  because I'm not afraid I must admit.

She is a pain in my ***, she likes to tease. But spending time with her is like a warm summer breeze.

I do what I can to make her see, I have strong feelings for this girl, I just hope she does for me.

its Friday night, and I are happily at home!
Being suffocated by my blanket.
It's as if the world is pushing down on me because it knows I have no one around me.
I close my eyes and I feel my oxygen depleting.
I am trapped in darkness, with no one around to help guide me to the light.
Fighting my way against the world with no one to reach out for.
Feeling lost and forgotten.
I wander through a dark forest of depression, while only the monsters in my head reach out for me.
I try to beg for help and can't make a sound, but eyes scream out.
So I sit to face my inner demons and overcome my greatest fear.
The loneliness tries to take me over. Rejected and unwanted, just like a broken toy nobody wants to play with. I was left in a dark room, with no one to come back to me.

who would love a man like me?
A soul imprisoned by the idea of love.
A man that may not be perfect.
But a man that can definitely try to be everything you need.
A man that doesn't need you to tell me what to do.
But a man that can make your skin crawl when i come home to you.
Make you tremble to my touch and be lifted by your words.
I may not be the best man, but I will change for the better.
I will keep searching to find a girl like you, because you say you want me as a friend.
When I want you to be the only one I look towards.
We don't have to be perfect, we can both be broken.
It will be messy, but it will be our mess, we can pick up the pieces together.
I know I am selfish, they say there are plenty of fish in the sea.
But today I feel like a shellfish because as long as you are around me I feel at home.
You are the most beautiful rose in a field of thorns.
i will walk through it all, and wear my scars happily to show what I went through to hold you.
So i ask, will you love a man like me.