These are my people
And these mats are our home.
We connected through the passion
Embedded in our bones.

Everyday we’re here
We’re renewed on our mats.
Theres sweat, tears, and blood on our Gis,
On our rash guards and spats.

We strive to train hard
And always remember
This family we’ve created
We’ll never surrender.

-ARI

I dreamt
After all these years
My wish to become a mother
Became my reality

I saw myself
With a soft smile
Lovingly caressing the small bump
Protecting my child

Then suddenly
I lay in bed screaming
As I’m swallowed up by absolute horror
Unable to move

As I saw
The most maniacal
Creature made up of all my anxiety
Doubt and self hate

I felt its
Mangled charcoal like
Claws gripping my leg as it slowly
Inched up my body

I could hear
It’s labored breathing
And strangled laughter ripping through
My petrified mind

I woke up
At 2am completely
Distraught as I helplessly fumbled
Through the darkness

Fighting hard
Against something
That wasn’t actually in my room but
I swear I can still feel It

My breaths
Coming out in pitifully
Panicky spurts mixed childish whimpers
A silent plea for help

I felt as if
I lost my child
And every ounce of peace in that terror-
I fear sleep tonight.

ARI

I have this overwhelming fear
God is watching me
With tears in his eyes
Shaking his head
And with sadness in his throat
He tells his son

“She was meant to be so much more
But she is nothing I created her to be”

And that image in my head
Destroys me every night
As I lay in my bed
Thinking of everything
I wish I could be and
Everything I wish I could do.

-ARI

Here I am again
Standing on the same bridge
I always seem to end up on
Contemplating every decision
I have ever made
To keep myself alive.

I swear there's a library
In my mind made up
Of ever growing caverns
Overflowing with scrolls
Of which I wish would burn
Far past the point of ashes.

Here I am again
Questioning every word
Said to me that was less than
Cruel, for I will always
Doubt someone's claim
Of sweet sincerity.

I swear there is
Very little worth
Sleeping inside my soul
Of which is drowning
Within my accidentally
Self-induced torment.

Help me;
I cant breathe.

-ARI

I am a victim of self hate
And never ending insomnia.

I swear my bones are crumbling
Inside the flesh of which holds
Nightmares and maniacal dreams
Embedded within my genetic makeup.

I swear every morning my eyes open
My very entity is ***** by anxiety.

My soul is pregnant with Its child-
Panic of which eats at my mind
Leaving me to starve without an ounce of
Peace.

-ARI

I will be completely honest with you
Im currently drunk as I write this.

For tonight a man stirred the anxieties
That have been buried in my bones.

My mind cycled through every moment
I have ever felt fear caused by a man.

My body hurt in every exact spot
My skin has ever been bruised by a man.

My heart screamed in agony
From every lie a man has fed me.

Tonight I drank until all I could feel
Was round glass resting on my lips.

You see, tonight a man wanted me
But I was far too scared to kiss him.

Tonight I said no, for I was uncomfortable
And stood up for myself.

I am so proud of my progress in self worth
And yet I am still hiding behind *****.

-ARI

No one seems to realize
Who I really am and all
The hurt inside me
Has been thoroughly hidden
Deeply within every poem
My exhausted hands have penned.
I’ve yet to be found.

-ARI