When I haven't wanted to **** myself in a while
And then suddenly the feeling returns
It's like I cannot breath
And
I cannot see
All that is here is me
and death
Death and me

The cruelty of the world overrides my mind
How can people spread so much hate
And the fear that nothing gets better in time
Makes me want to pull the plug
Or take those pills and chug
A bottle of liquor until I'm blue
And I feel nothing
See nothing
Am
Nothing.

When my mind enters this state
Do not tell me to calm down
Do not give me your "good-intentioned" advice
Because your solutions don't work on the severely depressed
Severely fake I guess
Since most won't acknowledge its destructive force
And refuse to believe it's a disease

Because, y'know, it's all in my head.
Don't you know I just want attention?
Because, of course, I don't totally want to **** myself sometimes.
See, I just take the medication I didn't believe in for fun
Because if I just smile and look on the bright side
Everything will be fine right?

No.
*******.
In this cycle
If I forget my medication
even just one day
One.
*******.
Day.
I have to fight myself to survive the next
Because the medication actually works this time
Because my depression is a medical condition
Not just some silly game you try to play it off as.

Id wish you to walk in my shoes for a day
But I couldn't wish that on anyone
Because on those days
Like today
I can't eat
Too much sleep would never be enough
And death sings out
A beautiful song to me
Begging me to come home
And
One day
I might listen.
And then you'll pretend to care
As if you really know me
But you don't, it's a game,
so don't bother
With your ******* shame

As I sit in the station
A kid comes into view
Extremely obnoxious
Raunchy and rude
He wears lots of spikes
Has piercings galore
Wears his hair in a mohawk
Biker boots on the floor
My Flesh wants to judge him
As a Punk and a Freak
But my spirit is willing
For Your eyes to seek...

Oh, give me Your vision
Let me see through Your eyes
Let me not judge the lost ones
In no way despise
They could be Your jewels
They could be Your prize
Oh, let me be gentle
Let me see through Your eyes

I go to a restaurant
And there at the place
Stands a derelict person
With pain in his face
He stares at my burger
And it is clear
He's starving hungry
And covets my beer
Do I move from the window
And relinquish my seat?
Or buy him a burger
And french fries to eat...

Chorus

There's a lesbian woman
Next door where I am
She has a Butch haircut
Is hooked with a femme
She has a loud voice
A masculine walk
We never converse
We never talk
We say polite things
Goodbye & hello
But she might be hurting
How could I know?

Chorus

Jesus I'm blind
I'm deaf & I'm mute
I want Your compassion
I want to bear fruit
Let me see through Your eyes
Let me hear with Your ears
Let me speak with Your voice
Assuage all their fears
Give me Your hands
To dry all their tears

Chorus

The enemy waits
To tell them his lies
Let me feel Your mercy

Let me see through Your eyes


SoulSurvivor
(C) 8/31/2016

on the rail, not far
from where a young woman jumped
to a lonely death in the cold bay
I found you, in the fog

someone's wedding ring
perhaps once cherished, intended to seal
an eternal bond, but now this band lay
alone, silent, still, on dumber steel

who left you there?
not the doomed woman, for she took her final leap
two Christmases before, and her ring was found
on her withered hand

soft rain began to fall,
like a million tears for forlorn lovers
yet I stayed on the bridge, frozen in time and place
not from the shivering shower

but by the sight of one round, gold trinket
left for fickle fate after another circle had been broken
forever, for my eyes to see, at the edge
of another promised eternity

Break open the top of that razor you bought for your legs to reveal the four little blades you will soon use as weapons against your wrist. Take one, two, three more sleeping pills than recommended. Take that lighter that once was used to light the candles in your room and place it on your skin leaving burns behind. Use those hands you hugged your mother with to punch black and blue marks onto your knees. Go to the store with the money you were supposed to spend on lunch that day and spend it on as many cigarettes as your lungs will allow and then some. Crack open that money jar and go buy the strongest alcohol you can afford and even if it stings drink it down to the last drop. Take your body away from helping fill the sandbags and throw it into the current. Take the space in your emergency suitcase full of clothes and pictures and force in letters from her in their place. It doesn't matter if you write words into your skin with that blade or if you love someone that doesn't love you, they're all the same. Self harm.

I am an imbecile to the society,
And a lust for death
I don't know where it starts
Or my song of Remorse ends

I don't know where to walk on
Or kneel down to say a prayer
I took the Lord's name in vain
My heart said beware

Now that i have only words to reassure me
And a dead man's notice and a knife
I am wondering if this poem is eligible enough
For a dead man's defeated fight

I don't know whether this is a sonnet
Or a ballad
Or a lyrical tyranny

I am ready to carry satanic wishes
and end this phase
With words of Irony

Let this be my last poem,
for i hear the call now,
'Ding-****' said the dream
For It's finally over now.

I'll come back in another life
When love isn't a treasured greed
I'll come back one day before it's dawn
So i can see a city clean

A city where lies hopes
And abundance of dreams
For now it rots of despair and sorrow

And a sky full of hatred beams.

Drugged by your silhouette,
I overdosed in the river
Outside your parents house.
I had a vision that their house,
The house you never called home,
This would be where I find grace.
The roses your mother grew,
From the garden your mother built,
Would be the death of me.
I rolled them up, like I always did,
Let you light them for me, like you always did,
And let the smoke make love to my lungs,
The roses became a mosaic in my crystalline  eyes.

The garden turned into the river Lethe,
And I could finally let go,
And you could finally move on.