Amber K

Amber K Nov 2015

Selfish

I ask you to never break my heart.
I ask you to never harm yourself.
I ask you to be careful and cautious.
I ask you to be wise about the people you choose to associate with.
I ask you not to destroy yourself.

*How selfish of me..

Tonights one of those nights where I just cry until I lose consciousness...

#broken #depression #pain #depressed #anxiety #hurt #selfish #anxious

Amber K Nov 2015

I never wanted this.

I wish you'd just apologize.
Sincerely this time.
I wish you'd truly feel sorry for what you did,
and want to make things right.

I don't want to be your friend,
or your acquaintance,
but I'm sick of carrying this feeling around.
This fear.

Because I know if I see you,
you'll be bitter.
And I don't want to be angry.
I don't want any negativity.

I was young and stupid,
and you took advantage of that.
How could you not feel remorse,
for doing the things you did to me?

I want to walk past you,
and feel like I truly have nothing to say.
Like we can be strangers,
not enemies.

I was listening to a song, and it made me think of how badly I was treated by someone in the past who I once cared for. This someone apologized several times for what he did, but all of them were false apologies to get me back. It's been at least 3 years and I've never gotten a true apology from him. I don't think he even knows how to honestly apologize or feel remorseful. I don't care for him anymore, but I hate feeling like I'll run into him in town one day and he'll try to start something or get under my skin by doing something childish like he use to always do. I just wish he'd grow up and own up to what he did to me and the other girls who gave him a chance. I regret ever meeting this guy, and I wish we could just be strangers without the bad memories that cause fear anytime I even think of running into him again.

#fear #regret #afraid #scared #past #sorry #remorse #apology

Amber K Oct 2015

Lessons Learned.

Within an instant,
my life could've been gone.
I still remember the pain I felt,
and the noise of the collision.

I didn't even have time to scream.
It happened so fast.
I had just enough time to remember the boys to my left and right,
then my head made contact with the dashboard.

I felt pain,
but I didn't care.
Those around me were shaken up.
One was angry while the other screamed.

We were okay.
Beaten up,
but okay.
It just seemed like a painfully bad dream.

"I'm so sorry.. I'm so sorry"
Those were his words.
The guy who almost killed us.
I didn't understand why he did what he did.

His passenger was ******.
She could've been dead too.
She cried and I cried at the sight of her.
I couldn't be angry right now.

The ambulances said they were surprised to see me alive.
They checked me over several times,
because I shouldn't of been okay...
but they said "God must have been with you".

Then they told us why the man did what he did.
He was so intoxicated,
he chose alcohol over our lives,
and over his own life.

I forgive him,
even though I can't get in a vehicle without panicking now.
He made a mistake,
but I am alive.

But for all those who still think a drink is worth risking your life,
please hear me out.
Your life can be altered in an instant.
Whether you feel invincible or think you're use to it.

You can end up in jail,
end up being responsible for someone's death,
or end up dead yourself.
A night of fun isn't worth your life or anyone else's.

Last Thursday my boyfriend, his little brother, and I were on our way back from a football game when a drunk driver pulled out in front of us causing a huge collision. My boyfriend hit the door, I hit the dashboard (since I was in the middle of the truck with only a lapbelt), and his little brother (who originally wasn't going to ride with us) folded over and hit his head on his knee. It could've been so much worse, but thankfully we are all alive. I already have bad anxiety and now it is a lot worse, but I forgive the guy who caused it. He made a mistake. It could've killed us, but it didn't. I'm hope he learned his lesson now and never even thinks of drinking and driving again.

#pain #alcohol #hurt #safe #drink #driving #drinking #car #wreck #truck

Amber K Sep 2015

Blame.

The sad thing is,
if I love someone,
they can hurt me for no logical reason,
and I will still try to figure out what I did wrong.

I blame myself.
I can't help but blame myself.
It doesn't matter what happens,
it always feels like it's my fault.

It's like someone could decide to stab me in the chest,
and I'd spend my last moments trying to comprehend what I did.
I can't find blame in others as much as I can find blame in myself.
Because I don't particularly care for myself.

Maybe it's because growing up,
I was taught to love other's,
but not so much to love myself.
but it's no one's fault I ended up this way.

No one could've predicted I'd be so messed up.
Maybe I did it to myself.
After all,
I am always to blame.

I have a lot of issues. I'm sorry my poetry is such crap. I just have to vent.

#depression #anxiety #hurt #personal #sorry #myself #venting #blame #apology #apologize

Amber K Aug 2015

Seasonal Friends

I have grown to know the seasons,
like personal friends of mine.
Each one has it's own personality,
and all have a special place in my heart.

Spring is the friend that never overstays it's welcome.
It's there one minute,
and gone the next.
It's a friend you are fond of,
but you're okay with time apart.

Summer is the one who doesn't know when to go.
You share so many memories,
so when it comes around you are are ecstatic,
but by the end of it's stay,
you are ready to part ways.

Fall is the one who you can never get enough of.
It's a balance of all things beautiful.
It's the one you wish would stay forever.
When it leaves you feel empty,
and you start counting down the days till it returns.

Winter is the confusing of all the seasons.
It's the friend that is very bittersweet.
It brings joy but takes away life's beautiful colors.
Even through the dull, frosty haze it leaves,
it's magnificent in it's own simple ways.

Just like people,
each is wonderful.
They each share a place in our heart,
and will always leave memories behind,
but they all stay for as long as life will allow them.

#friends #fall #friendship #summer #winter #spring #seasons #autumn

Amber K Aug 2015

Ramblings of a person who's broken.

I keep falling apart.
WHY DO I KEEP FALLING APART?
I hate it...
I hate EVERYTHING I am..
everything I've been.
Why?!
Why do I have to go through this?
Every time I think everything's okay,
it's not.
I'm starting to think...
I'm not destined to be o k a y.

Just going through so much... it's just too much for me to handle.

#broken #pain #okay #hurt #falling #apart #shattered #everything #broke

Amber K Aug 2015

The Girl with Hazel Eyes

She had a patience,
that no one understood.
She could wait a million years,
just to prove her love.

But no one gave her the option.
No one wanted to wait.
No one wanted patience.
And she just wanted to make everyone happy.

On her quest to make everyone happy,
she lost herself.
She forgot how to smile.
Sometimes she even forgot to breathe.

She was willing to show her love,
but no one was willing to love her back.
At least not the way she loved them.
No one could love like she did.

But she was broken now,
and everyone kept stepping on her shattered pieces.
She was willing to wait on anyone,
but no one would wait for her.

#broken #girl #pain #lost #hurt #patience #shattered #different #hurting