Why do I get jealous?
Jealousy is just an emotion
Emotionally draining that is

I’m not supposed to be jealous
We’re in a poly relationship
So why do I fear you’ll leave

Leave me for her
She doesn’t give you the problems
She gives you happiness

I’m mixed up
I like our relationship
The openness
The communication

I just need to let this go
Let it leave my body
I shouldn’t be jealous

I saw you again today
It’s been a while but once again feelings came flooding
my mind opened them like flood gates
Unfortunately I couldn’t stop them in time
I went back to being that small child in elementary school thinking to myself “this isn’t right”
How dare I let this happen to myself and how dare I not tell anyone
but see that’s the thing
people believe that when you get molested or ***** that your first instinct is to tell someone
but really it’s not
it’s to tuck it away in your mind so deep that you don’t even want to think about it
but it always comes back up
it always ends up floating to the surface somehow
I still don’t tell very many people
but when I saw you today I wondered to myself
do you even think about what you did to me?
do you think about it every day like I do?
or is it just a distant memory to you?
Then again, you enjoyed it so why would it bother you.

You leaving was a blessing in disguise
Made me realize who I truly am and how I should be treated
Knowing that I wasn’t being treated like a queen
But I have now found my castle and my own queen
She puts me on top and lays me down when it’s time
Making me feel safe as if I'm surrounded by a moat
But in all actuality you make me flood
Grabbing your voluptuous curves while they take me on a ride
You drive me absolutely wild
Stealing the literal soul out of my body while you satisfy my cravings
Knowing how to pierce me in all the right ways
Sending shocks through my body
Baby you will forever be my goddess

It’s been so long
So long since I’ve felt the bite
The bite that takes my pain away
Away from my head that is
Is that such a bad thing?
A bad thing shouldn’t feel this good
Good luck getting me to stop
Stop making myself numb
Numb enough to stop the thoughts
Thoughts that haunt my mind
My mind is a scary place
A place that you don’t want to see
To see the darkness that haunts me
Haunts me like a demon
A demon that won’t let go
Let go of my mind to free me
Free me from this please
Please don’t make beg
Beg you for my life and freedom
Life and freedom I need back

I see the white picket fences
Even you have one
I worry I’ll never get mine

The fence I have is around my heart
I want someone to cut it open
But I’m afraid no one wants to

I’m afraid that I can never be loved
That no one will want to call me theirs
Maybe I try to hard
But I’m just being me

My mom says I’ll find someone
“You’re so beautiful” they say
Then why don’t I see that

I hope you can break down my fence
Open the gate and walk right in
But please close it behind you
And hopefully never leave

Hello cutie
Please don’t give up
Don’t give up on this life of yours
There’s so much to see and do
If you end it now you’ll never know
Never know what could have been
Your life has meaning
Your life has purpose
You just need to open your eyes to see it
You need to wake up and breathe in positivity
And go to bed doing the same
Before you know it life will balance out
You’ll see a world that you never imagined
You’ll see strength and beauty everywhere
The negativity will just wash away like rain on your car
And just like rain, it’s temporary
The positive will always outweigh the negative
So stay strong like I know you are

I’m a different person

I used to hate myself, no love in sight

I did things I’m not proud of

Mingled with people I wish I didn’t

Yes I told lies but that’s the old me

Just please like the new me

You penetrate me
Not in the way most people would think
Like a dagger in my heart, you stab me through the chest
Making it hard to breathe
I find myself gasping for air around you
Hoping you won’t notice what you have done to me
My heart longs for you to remove it, to let me breathe
But if I breathe that means I can speak
If I can speak then what will I say?
Say that I love you and know that you won’t say the same
But what if you do?
What does it mean?
So look, we aren’t official
But you are officially the one I want
I’m done talking and looking, done with the others
So I know we’re taking it slow
Like a turtle or a snail
But sometimes I want to go faster like a dog chasing it’s tail
And just like that my mind runs in circles
Getting dizzy from the thinking and wishing
Getting tired of the wanting and longing
When in my heart I know what I want
And what I want is you
For you to just hold me and call me yours
To feel all of your love as it is wrapped up in mine
We can hold each other like a blanket, stay warm and comfortable forever
You will keep me safe
And babe I can promise I won’t ever let you get cold

Life is interesting
It can take you anywhere
Some people have it all
Others have nothing at all

Sometimes it seems like a game
Like we have no control
As if someone is dictating it all
Planting us in situations

Maybe I’m just crazy
I just don’t understand
Understand what the world is
Why is it so unfair

We don’t get to choose
Where we grow up
How were raised
Who our family is

So why are the conditions unfair
We don’t all have an equal chance
I guess that’s how it’s been
Probably won’t ever change

**** and alcohol are there
They keep me stabilized
No one knows

It’s my vice right now
I’m drunk writing this
Slurring my words

I may seem fine externally
Internally I’m screaming
I got to pretend

You can’t know how I feel
You won’t let me drink
But it really helps

Maybe that’s bad
But to me it feels amazing
You don’t understand

Just let me have this
At least until I get help
Maybe I’ll get better

I know his doesn’t make sense
It was just a rant
**** it, I don’t care

We are the result of two souls colliding
Colliding in ways no one would imagine
With a force so strong it breaks barriers
Barriers that we have had up for years
Years that we wasted without each other
You make me strong and weak at the same time
Strong in my emotions but weak in my knees
My heart cries for you when you’re away
But I shush it and say “it will all be worth it”
When I wake up and see you every morning
Your beauty will be the radiant beam that awakes me
Your kiss will be my cup of coffee
And your eyes will lift me up
You’re the breath of fresh air that I've been longing for
You have enlightened me
We are the result of two souls colliding

I woke up that morning
Just another Thursday
Got dressed and ready

Got to the appointment
What would she say that day
Then my worst fear came to life

I sat in the emergency room
Waited to talk to nurses
I didn’t see the point in lying

I’m then in an ambulance
Getting transferred to a facility
I was terrified of what would happen

I arrived and it was very quiet
Was it because my mind was so loud?
I expected screaming and yelling, like the television shows

It was completely different
Friendly people, humble people
They showed me what strength is

I stayed for five days
Those five days were different than anything I’ve experienced
It taught me a lot

Showed me that it won’t go away
That I have to learn to manage it
That I have to take accountability

My only regret about this whole thing
That I wish I would have gone sooner
I still struggle but is a little easier

Just have to go day by day

How can one person make you feel so many feelings?
Aren’t you supposed to just feel happiness and acceptance?
But we usually don’t get that.
It’s hard to find the one that we can deal with that with.
And I’m kind of hoping that you are the one I can deal with.

It’s just a four letter word
Then why is it so hard to say?
Maybe I’m afraid of the power it has
Afraid of what comes next after it
Saying it only ends in two ways
Either happily ever after or just pure heartbreak
I need to not be afraid
Just say how I feel without fear

See that’s the thing
Fear is a four letter word
But why is that easy to talk about
Because fear is being hurt
But love is unpredictable
That’s the main difference
Words are just words
It’s the feelings you put behind it that matter
So maybe we should start to love without fear

Your love is abundant
You tell me you love me at my worst
At my goofiest and at my most stupid
When i'm too drunk and acting a fool
Your love is abundant
You tell me not to worry
Not to overthink
To not question your love
Your love is abundant