I think it is time to set down the phone
Set down the poetry
and take a step back.
Cause what I am reading
Is only hurting me

I'm changing
Into something
Not sure yet
But this phase
Feels almost like a butterfly
Just waiting to finally fly.

I lost little bits and pieces of the woman I knew over the years.  
It wasn't noticeable at first.  
A few forgotten things in rooms.  
A few stories retold for the third time.  
But now it has become something that stands out when you talk to her.  
The woman that raised me.  
Sometimes forgot about me.
Forgotten things were left everywhere as she didn't remember putting them there.  
Sometimes she forgot about me for the day, only to remember later.  

No one raises a child with the thought that their parents may forget them.
But it happened and nothing can change that.  

Her mind seemed to have lost the parts that I loved and so did she.  
But I still love her.  
This complete stranger that raised me or at least that is who she sees me as.  
As I listen to her tell me the same story for the 10 time in a row.  
I still love her.  
Even if she has forgotten me.

To all my 50 followers (I love you guys)
If you want to read more of my poetry, not on here.
Then just inbox me
❤️❤️❤️

"I'll keep you my ***** little secret. "
-The All-American Rejects.  2009

He is my ***** little secret.  But the best secret for me.  

I feel like I have lost something
But I cant put my finger on it
Maybe I lost myself
Or something I had
How could I have lost something when I don't know what it was.

The fire stages of grief or in my case.  The five stages of a messed up relationship.  
Denial:
- He is just honest.  He didn't mean it that way.  He wants the best for me.  I am pretty stupid sometimes.  
Anger:
- How can he tell me to live my life?  I deserve better.  I am not a toy.  I am going to break up with him!  
Bargaining:
- I can just delete the message.  Maybe if I just tell him again how I feel it will go back to normal.  Maybe he was just playing....  
Depression:  
- Oh god,  It is really over between us...  What did I do?  I need him!  All my friends will hate me now because they liked us together.  What if he stalks me?  
Acceptance:  
- I am better off.  I deserve to be happy,  I am happy.  It wouldn't have worked out between us but we are both happier now.  Friends or not friends.  No matter what my feelings matter and they weren't getting respected so I have to put myself first and I am proud of that.  I am proud of my choices.

I love you deeper than the ocean
And higher than the galaxies
But you need to trust me baby.
And lose your anxieties over me.

What did I do?
What did I say?  
Why are you so heartless?
How did I upset you?  
Why don't you care?

Steaming mad
Anger in my bones
Lava in my flesh.
**** college man
It can eat my ****

I will hide them deep.
The emotions and pain
Of hurting everyone around me
I am better then this
So I will hide what i will say.
Hide it deep
And hide well
Just so no one figures out
How I truly feel.

Don't wait for me
Cause I can't change this path I am on
The love for you is gone
And I don't want you waiting
For something to happen

I am sorry.
I have tried
But I am not gonna force love
Don't wait
Find happiness and not suffering
Waiting for me.

I am crazy
Absolutely crazy
Focusing on the negative
And not being happy

Trying to tell myself
Everything is fine
But I can't even
Say what is on my mind.

I am crazy
Absolutely crazy

The poems were a secret I bore
I just wanted to open up
And not break your heart
But i should have kept quiet
Should have stayed away
Cause I know you are noisy
And will read my stuff
Even if it hurts.

Remember when we were innocent
When accidents didn't matter
When we didn't have bills
We didn't know what death is
Or what a broken heart really feels like
Remember then?

Why do i feel this good.
After all that went down.
I feel.... Good
It is like the eye of the tornado
And everything is silent and calm
I like it
The silence.
The smiles.
I have to stop putting myself down.

"You are so dumb."
"*** is that!  Fix it right now!!!!"
"Where the **** did your mind go???"
"And I though you were smart."
"I am YOUR boss so you do what I say"
"I can fire you on the spot right now!"

"It is just Constructive Criticism. Don't be so hurt"

If it is constructive then why do you use it to break me down?

I hope someday someone lost will read what I have to say,
What I have felt,
What I went through,
So that they don't have to feel so alone

I want to be the reason someone smiles when they have no reason too
To be the hope someone has when they wake up.  

I don't want to make a huge difference
I just hope some people will remember me.

Today was one of those days
That gave a breath of cool air into my soul
And restarted my dark heart
Even for just a minute
I felt alright

Finally free from the walls I built up around me.
I dont know what made me build them. Maybe it was to feel safe.
Maybe it was all the promises that they made.
That I would be happy, safe, and fine.
I built up the walls around me and put everyone around me on such a high status.
I had to be the perfect person. The person they would love me to be.
I am finally figuring out. That no matter how isolated I am. It will never make me happy.
That no matter how hard I try you can never be the perfect person
I am finally free. Or at least I am trying.
If you do not like me for me, that is fine but I will not try to be the person you want me to be.
Free yourself and be who you want to be.
Cause the only person to ever make you happy.
Is yourself.

I keep reading
The words you wrote
The heart break is felt
In every note

I ****** you over
A heartless siren I am
I will never forgive myself
For not being able
To love you back.

Jealousy over talking to a guy
It is alright in my mind
But it isn't love
I don't get jealous when you talk to others
I don't care
But it seems
You don't trust me enough
To be friends with a guy
And not make it something

Guilty
A sinner
But that is what I am naturally
I will take this road
And see where it goes
And if it leads me to you
Then it is so
But I will not drag you along
For I love you so
And I will not cry anymore
For I am crying
Of what I did to you
And I don't want to cry anymore

I am not perfect.
I never have been.
I am ****** up
But don't talk to me if it hurts
Don't talk to me for an answer
Cause I have none.
I don't have a answer.
And I don't have a soul

Why am I writing about you again?  
Maybe it is because I can't get you out of my mind.  
The way you look at me
Maybe it is because of how you confuse me.  
You treat me like a treasure and take me places I have never been.  
But you make me feel bad for speaking
Like I am stupid or something.  
But I really like you and I hate how it breaks me but I don't say anything.  
I just keep laughing.  
Like the dumb ignorant person I am.

I am writing about you again.  
This time it is because I hate who I am.  I just wish you could like one thing about me.  Sorry I talk too much or talk to loud.  Sorry I laugh weird.  Sorry I walk weird or trip around.  I hating having to watch what I say and do 24/7 because I don't want to upset you.  

I am writing about you.  
Because I love you.

I am gonna be someone
One day
Make someone truly happy
As they do me
I am just testing the waters
Seeing where I belong
Cause girl
I have done ****** up
Already enough

It feels like a elementary crush.
Like no matter what
You will never like me back
You say you do
But she is always on your mind
And it hurts
But I keep crushing
And loving you
Even when I will never get it back.

Don't be sorry anymore.
You taught me something
I will never forget.
That love lasts forever
Even after one forgets.
Isn't that pretty?
You should be proud.
Never be sorry
You don't deserve it.

Just talk to me
Say one little word
Don't ignore me

Just talk to me
What happened to you?
Where did you go?
What did you do?
To make you so hostile
Towards the world around you

Just talk to me
Say anything
I will always listen
Just trust me
And I will be your ears

Just talk to me.

"you are going to hell"
Well too bad BeCKy I ain't doing ****
I don't believe in that *******
I am gonna die and be a dragon
Gonna do all the cool things
Cause I would rather be free
Then stuck with other people
Who are like you.

Wildfire
Burning bright with energy
Loving off others energy to make hers bigger
You could see it in her walk and talk
Big steps and loud happy voice
But sometimes her fire would dimmer down
Into smouldering ash
Just burning and willing a flame
Til something exciting happened
And back was her flame
A wildfire she is.

Keep things to yourself
And keep your mouth shut before you hurt others and yourself.

It will be okay.
I just need to take a moment and breath.

One guy opened up fully to my class on how he struggled with suicide and depression.
Said how he thought and even had the strength to say it. It was insane on how he could open up like that.
he had the strength i never did and never will.
i wish i could say how i was struggling but i am not like him
and i find my comfort in hiding.

Images play faster then the sky
On the child's face
Age of almost 5
It was so easy to get lost in the screen.  
The child didn't even notice scenes change or where they were even going
It was easier then dealing with a crying child.  
So they handed the screen to the child of just 5.
So they didn't have to be the parents that they signed up for.

It is has been a bit since I have smiled
It has been a while since I gave a ****.
Been putting off everything saying it can wait.
But the longer I wait the more full my plate becomes.
Overdue papers and failing grades
But I can't come up with a single reason to care.

My job is stupid and always stressful. Working long hours everyday and I can't find a reason to work anymore.
Hating my job and hating me.

Cuts on my legs like a tictactoe board and it doesn't worry me.
Nothing does anymore.

It has been a while since I have smiled.
It has been a while since I have enjoyed my existence.

I failed
And that is all I am
I failed to keep your heart safe
From hurt and darkness
I failed it all
And I failed you
But I failed myself
Cause I couldn't keep loving you

She dazed off every few minutes in a dead stare then would turn and smile when customers came near.  
"How are you" They would say.  
"Just fine.  It is a beautiful day. " She said with a smile on her face but not her eyes.  
She had gotten good at faking it.  That everything was alright.  But when they walked away the smile faded into deep thoughts.  No one knew her issues.  And neither did I.  I was just watching her.  Watching the girl with green eyes.  Act like she was just fine.