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Makenzie Marie Oct 2014
And so I watch
And I listen
as faithful friend after friend excuses themselves
with their funny excuses
and I laugh
at the joke that the fates have whispered to me
No one else seems to hear it
It’s not quite so funny, you see.
The pitter patter of the pity
You can hear it, you see
You can see it, actually.
“It’s a small thing among friends”
And a small thing to see in a stranger’s face
The twinge of sadness and confusion and relief for themselves
They look at me and they see what they will never be
They see, though, what could happen, horribly.
One in 100
maybe.
1,000
10,100?
less likely
(for you).
And so I watch
And I listen
And they whisper
and they wonder
and they worry
And I laugh
at the joke that life telling me,
mocking at me.
But it’s not quite so funny, you see.
The whispering of the Wonderers
Asking over politely
Never listening intently
And I’ll tell them all about it
And I will listen
to the pitter patter of the pity.
Pitter pattering;
tip toeing around me,
so constantly
and away, usually.
tip toeing of tongues in whispers so willingly disregarding me,
or cautiously eluding everything.
Or even tip toeing of tongues trying to calm me.
The pitter patter of pitty.
You can hear it, you see.
You can see it, actually.
It may be a small thing.
Truthfully, it’s bigger than you might see.
I see.
And I laugh.
at the joke that the the fates whispered.
No one else quite seems to understand it.
But It’s become quite funny, to me.
What a pity.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2014
The truth about my recovery?
I lied
I told the truth
I was better.
So much better
a different person
truly, really,
not the me that was dying to die a year previous.
for six years the monsters consumed me
It starts so subtle.
She’s skinnier.
‘No I’m on a diet’
‘I’m a size 0’
your best friend skips lunches.
slowly, surely, the monster slips into your head.
your nightmares are living
compulsions start.
too young.
don’t eat in front of people.
one granola bar will get you through practice until home.
and all the comments egging you on.
‘you aren’t skinny enough for that..’
‘but if you eat salad all summer’
Soon you can’t look at yourself.
Soon the Monster of self hatred turns you to more
because the diets aren’t enough
so spring break after a bowl of corn chips
you close the bathroom door
and the porcelain becomes your ally.
friends may know.
but you can be sneaky.
after all, how else would you manage your size?
Eventually it isn’t enough, you want quicker results.
And the monsters of self hatred are eating you up.
you’ve grown now of course.
pushed away friends who knew who wanted you to get help.
Because this Monster, This darkness in your mind,
your only friend.
No more food.
leave crumbs and a buttered kife.
anything eaten, behind the bathroom door.
And very soon
The blades come out to play.
So intriguing how easy it is.
and how simple to hide.
What an easy release.
17 and 110 lbs, covered in scars on her hips.
I did get help.
I went to therapy.
I loved it.
I didn’t just change these acts
I changed myself.
But I wasn’t better, I was anxious
to be done with it
to be set free.
So I stopped going.
when I wasn't totally ready.
I thought I was happy..
But is that why I relapsed?
It was only once.
But is that why I still find myself depressed?
Sometimes suicidal?
Is it my fault?
It’s usually my fault so I can see how it would be.
I lied.
That’s the truth.
And
I
Don’t
Know.

But I do know
this recovery is a continuous fight.
And I just wonder
Where am I now?
Makenzie Marie Oct 2014
The scars I've given myself
are mistakes.
The scars
life has given me
are great.
But the scars
from others
etched deep into my soul
are impossible.
They never fade.
Too deep to erase.
I hate it.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2014
Every day a facade,
a fake.
What is it
that you’re trying not to break?
Pieces of you
and pieces of me
are already broken,
not ever neatly.
Everyone trying
to live in their lies.
Everyone struggling
to simply get by.
Who would ever,
when there was a crack,
take a blow at it all
and never look back?
Who left me,
bleeding on the floor,
crying behind locked doors?
Did I do this?
Did I ruin my own blissfullness?


....Are we to blame
for
our
own

d
    o
        w
            n
                f
                   a
                       l
                          l
                            s
                              ????
Makenzie Marie Oct 2014
There is a fire behind my eyes.
All you have to do is look inside.
Choose the story you want to see,
it’s what I have to do daily.
I understand
flames are scary.
This fire is consuming me.
Look deep inside
see me,
the whole story.

There is a fire burning my skies,
whipping at my heart,
see it in my eyes.
After all the damage done
will there be a shining sun?
“Help..”
is it heard? In a forest of hate?
It’s all burning down
the flowers and the lace.

There is a fire burning in my eyes-
look inside,
can you see it behind the lies?
Do i mask it well inside?
What can you see?
tell me,
Has it burnt away everything in sight?
...Am I going out of my mind?
Maybe the flames have consumed it,
and there’s nothing left
but a useless pit.



But there is a fire inside of me
it is a light
for all who choose to see.
It is a warmth inside my heart.
Some beautiful kind of art.
The fire behind my eyes is real-?I will keep it bright,?so you can see
every single thing I feel...
Flames of hope flickering.
The fire of faith burning.
Love.
Yearning.
This fire is simply the flames of fate
leading me to my pearly gate.

It is everything in sight.?
So I will stand tall,
be a light.
I’ll spread brightness in this fight.
Because we fight a war of love and hate,
battling to set everything straight.
Look in my eyes
you’ll see that fire,
the burning hope and desire.

I hope that you can look at me
and simply see see
the entire story...

There is a fire behind my eyes.
Look inside.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2014
I want you here
Your hand in mine
To feel you close
Oblivious to time

I want you here
My lips on yours
In your arms
I'd feel secure

I want you here
want to feel
Your breath on my neck
Tangible and real

I can't say how much
I want you here
For you to Pull me in
Laugh in my ear

My dear
I want you here
I love you
No matter where
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