Arising to your fascinating persona,
Sleeping to your colossal heart,
Gasping frantically, to reach the surface,
Trapped underneath the coldest ice, in the widest river,
Shivers down my spine,
Pins and needles through my heart,
Consuming me with fear,
Scared of the rapture,
Inner interrogation of mind,
Acquainting myself of new horizons,
But remaining lonesome and fearful,
Crumbling when in your presence,
Listen to my penance,
Would you be attuned,
To my vulnerable aching heart?

i am trying to remind myself that
i am the one who has always held
my skin together on the worst days,
the one who has sewed myself back
up time and time again. i have picked
my own body off the bathroom floor
more 4am's than there are numbers,
taken myself to bed. no one has cared
for me like i have cared for me and
yet i don't know when i stopped
thinking i was my own home.

Do you remember when I told you
I didn't like you
I teased you for what felt like hours
But were most likely only minutes

Do you remember when I called you
All those mean names
I'd laugh and laugh as you sat and stared
We both knew you weren't going anywhere

Do you remember when I cried
In front of you for the first time
We both realized it was only hate
That gave me such terrible pain

Do you remember that time you told me
Purple was my color
I wore it the next day
What was I thinking
Or maybe I wasn't

Do you remember the first time
I held your hand
So smooth but rough
Gripped perfectly in mine

Do you remember the time
I told you I liked you
The tables were turned
Torched and burned
Leaving me with that ache and pain

Do you know how it was
To be rejected
To be unloved

Do you remember when we became
Super fantastic friends
Of course let the sarcasm
Slowly sink in

Do you remember when I told you
Go for what you want
And I wanted to hear
I wanted to believe
All you wanted was
Me

Do you remember when we stopped
And nothing felt the same
Did you feel it too
That miserable drowning pain

Did you really even care
Did you even want me back
I'd tell myself no
Anything different might be a bigger blow

Do you remember when I told you
How I really feel
When I proclaimed my love
My stupid fantasy of
Us together
Forever

Of course you don't
Because I won't tell
I would never be so stupid
To fall for a king

When I know
I'll never be his
Queen

Perhaps it was meant to be this way because you’re smiling while my hands are covered in bruises from punching the wall and my eyes are red with tears
Perhaps it was meant to be this way, i’m too fast or too slow. Miles ahead or playing catch up and you’re tired of being left behind or waiting for me
Perhaps it was meant to be this way because even though my scars don’t bleed anymore, it’s all you see and I understand that it’s too much. I’m too much
Perhaps it was meant to be this way, boys like me don’t get to end up with girls like you. We tried as hard as we could but some things don’t change
Maybe this is how it was meant to be but it seems like you don’t care. Like you never cared
Maybe this is how it was meant to be but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less

A sudden poem


I have travelled long
Blessed by Gobi's new moon
Seen tall ship sail upside down
Yet, I found my way back home.