i use to think blue was my favorite color because of the sky

i never thought it was because of your eyes

but once i saw them i understood

and you replaced the sky and everything in your path

i fell, fell harder than i ever have

and although my life has been full of problems

the biggest one is you

every flaw, every single thing you hated about yourself, i loved about you

every nagging, every put down, every curse, i banished, i stopped you from letting them out

and though you let my words fly south

i stayed. i listened. i felt your pain as if it was my own

one day i hoped you would have noticed

one day i hoped that instead of telling your guys that i was just a friend,

you wished i was more.

i wished your feelings would pour

pour through your chest as my tears did down the drain

that every memory of me was hidden away in a special box, sealed and marked fragile do not touch

but they weren't

my feelings aren't reciprocated because of one simple reason

i'm fat

my weight doesn't correspond with my height

my body doesn't look right

my heart is big but so are my thighs

and even when i try

it's not enough

you've never straight out said this but i can read between lines you have so easily drawn

like the strings to my heart tugged like a puppet master

starving yourself is wrong, that's what they teach you in health class

but when you are fat heads turn the other way and suddenly it becomes okay

on day five i felt like i wanted to cry because i stepped on the scale and didn't lose an ounce

and yet i drank my weight in water and pushed myself farther than i ever have before only to sink to the floor

i went to the kitchen to consume my doom but only a salad because i hadn't given up so soon and it was okay

it didn't make my day like ice cream on apple pie or chocolate cake

instead it ruined it when i got on the scale and gained a pound

i could starve myself for days outweight the amount of calories burned to the ones taken in and not lose anything

but the second i eat even if it's healthy the scale tips like it tips my whole world upside down

i am told i just need to eat healthy and exercise but if that was the case why do the people who eat nothing but trash have flatter abs than me

and then they are the ones to tell me i am unhealthy

i go to bed late so i can get up even later, sleeping past breakfast and lunch

i then force myself to go swimming and put on a two piece to remind myself why i'm even doing this in the first place

in a haste i swim around my pool and do workouts for hours until i completely lose feeling in my legs

you're not suppose to eat after seven but that's when mom gets home and we have dinner

i pretend i'm feeling sick so i don't have to eat and although she sees through my lies

beauty is more important than being healthy

May I ask you a question about your life
Are you able to ration out your strife
How do you stop feeling the time
Do you freeze your clock
And pretend to mime out the words
From your fractured soul
Wondering if you can ever let go of the past
How do you categorize the bitterness of your pain from greatest to least
Or do you let the rain wash away
The thoughts of yesterday
Flooding your dreams wiith inescapable thoughts
Running from today and the bullets shot
Piercing your skin with rumors of tomorrow
Warning you of the misery to follow
Trying to collapse your trust
How can you trust when it has been broken so many times
How do you get back up after being pushed down
How do you pick yourself back up off the ground
How do you go on even when you have nothing left

Secrets spill out of her parched mouth
Thirsty for a taste of drama
She sits in her corner of the ring
Thinking of new things
To turn her life upside down
But these things are never found

See she’s just an average girl
Like every other in the world
She seeks for attention
Like she does for his love
Neither of them are granted

She hides in her mind
Like a fox in it's burrow
Sneaky as ever
But charming as a hero

That's what she pretends to be
And hopes no one sees
The scared little girl beneath

I hope you're happy now
Because I knew you weren't before
You pushed me away
And tried to close your door

You cursed the sun, the moon,
And the rain
But you can't lie to me
I know you felt the pain

I hope you're happy now
Because you said before
That happiness is not
What you were meant for

But I know you
And I know the truth

I hope you're happy now
But I'm not happy without
You

Sinking and crashing
Like waves of the sea
See my emotions all splattered around me

The caves are hollow
Like the caverns of my heart
Fill me deep inside
Show me your beautiful art

Show me a blanket of love
A sky full of dazzling stars
Show me your blissful face
As you guide me into your arms

I don't understand why you can't see
Or why you don't want to be with me
I no longer want to feel pain
God I just keep cursing your name

I feel like a jealous little girl
Trapped in a fragile world
Feel the ache in my bones
And remind me I'm always alone

Baby just love me
That's all I can plea
Say my name in vain
Kiss me in the rain

Parched lips pressed to mine
Like lemonade on a dry summer day
Let me quench your thirst with my love
I promise

I'll be everything you've ever dreamed of
Just give me a chance
You won't regret it

Give me your hand
And I can lead you
To a faraway land

Together forever we can always be
If you just admit
That you only want me

Why do I open up my heart just to feel the pain
Why do I scream and cry so much that I never truly feel sane
Why do I care for you when you've proved you don't for me
Why do I cut myself open just to see myself bleed
See the pain is just a reminder
Of the day you left me here
Please tell me why I'm so insecure
Maybe it's because since a young age I've been taught
That i'm nothing more than just something to be bought
Can't you see how I feel
Did you never figure it out
I want you so bad
Why can't you tell

Do you remember when I told you
I didn't like you
I teased you for what felt like hours
But were most likely only minutes

Do you remember when I called you
All those mean names
I'd laugh and laugh as you sat and stared
We both knew you weren't going anywhere

Do you remember when I cried
In front of you for the first time
We both realized it was only hate
That gave me such terrible pain

Do you remember that time you told me
Purple was my color
I wore it the next day
What was I thinking
Or maybe I wasn't

Do you remember the first time
I held your hand
So smooth but rough
Gripped perfectly in mine

Do you remember the time
I told you I liked you
The tables were turned
Torched and burned
Leaving me with that ache and pain

Do you know how it was
To be rejected
To be unloved

Do you remember when we became
Super fantastic friends
Of course let the sarcasm
Slowly sink in

Do you remember when I told you
Go for what you want
And I wanted to hear
I wanted to believe
All you wanted was
Me

Do you remember when we stopped
And nothing felt the same
Did you feel it too
That miserable drowning pain

Did you really even care
Did you even want me back
I'd tell myself no
Anything different might be a bigger blow

Do you remember when I told you
How I really feel
When I proclaimed my love
My stupid fantasy of
Us together
Forever

Of course you don't
Because I won't tell
I would never be so stupid
To fall for a king

When I know
I'll never be his
Queen