This is the year I fell out of love
I chased myself away
From anyone who wanted to help
Because no one could help-

I let myself be broken
And I cut everyone else out
And I let myself feel lonely
Because I knew I needed it

I needed to be
With myself
So I could again
Be with someone else-

I needed to feel empty
So I could fill myself back up

I think
Some part of you
Still keeps itself
At a distance,
Just in case

I think
You might not care
About getting to know my world
My friends,
And who they are

I think
You haven’t tried
To know them
And some part of you,
Probably doesn’t want to

I give every effort
To know your friends
And your family
And what makes them,
So special to you

What is holding you back,
From getting to know me?

I see the tilt of your shoulders,
When you’re in a rush-

The impatience in your voice,
When you’re barking “medium dark roast”

I know you have a million places to be,
But at the moment, you’re in this one

Why not embrace your presence,
Rather than, expedite its exit

You are welcome to take up space,
Here and everywhere you go

To the girl who accusingly says,
“She made it wrong again”

I see that you have been deeply hurt,
And I hope you heal from that pain

When I see your impatience,
I see your fear

When I feel your judgement,
I feel your pain

You are human and so am I,
Can we not honor and treat each other as such?

I left and
Broke a heart

I took what I
Desired

And forgot what
Weighted me down

And now,
I’m here

And I realize
That must have hurt

Your pain was real
And now, so is mine

With all my heart,
I am so very sorry

I feel you in the wind
And in the grass
That dances beneath my toes

You are the moments of joy
And the days filled with sorrow
Always a reminder

I look up at the evening stars
And there you are, staring back
You are every star, in every constellation

Even when I cannot spot
Your special celestial design
I see you in everything

I do not weep for my pain
I weep for joy because your pain is gone
I weep for love because our love is everlasting

My first best friend,
My beloved brother,
Goodbye, for now.

When the sun doesn’t shine
I take a break from life
And I smoke a last cigarette
And I listen to sad songs

You were dying for so long
But now, it’s like you vanished
And I don’t know how-
Or where to begin

When you left in your way
You took with you, a piece of me
And so I keep the best of you
Always

But the sadness will fade
And I’ll keep what remains
Because you, will always be
A part of me

Beautiful, sad girl
If I could kiss away your sorrows, I would
If I could go back in time and tell you
That it will all be over soon, I would

If I could wrap you in my arms
And say that you are stronger than you realize-
I would tell you that your fears are warranted,
But you will not fear them forever

I would scrape my nails ******
At the coffin of your pain,
Just to give you a single moment of relief-
I would do this for you, but I know I am helpless

I cannot hold you in my loving embrace
I cannot lift the boulder from your back weighing you down,
But I can feel your pain and I honor it deeply
A woman, still armored with a child’s wounds

In the process of becoming
I have seen the worst in me
Mix with the worst in others

In the light of awareness
I have felt regret
Regret beyond any prediction

In the solitude and silence
I have brought myself
Closer to myself- closer to god

In the wake of anger
I have fueled the fire
I have kissed the scorched earth

I have begged for forgiveness
I have asked for answers
I have sought revelation
But only found more questions

Is this my answer?
Is this the journey?

Its a devastating blow
once you give in to that part of yourself
when you finally lose the fight,
and its almost not worth the effort at all,
yet here we are again

No matter the guards
I arm around myself
you always find a way,
to pierce my skin,
and open a vein

I stitch myself back together
after carving you in
just to prove I could survive,
but the worst things that happen,
always leave their mark

When I think of you,
I still hear your deep rasp
A muffled, familiar roar
Carrying the weight of your words-
Yes, when I remember  you
I smell your half extinguished cigarette
And feel your warm touch
A familiar burn

There is a moment where in your life
you realize all of this-
all the possessions and "things"
have no real meaning

And that our existence is fluid
and that bodies are just shells-
and that pride and wealth
don't matter either

It is at this moment
we are left uncertain
of why we work hard
what are we working towards?

I think many of us
are still searching for happiness
among worldly acquisitions
rather than finding it inside ourselves

Looking for a key to meaning
but what if there is no such key
and what if there is no such meaning?

I had never stood
in the middle of the street
with headlights
pouring down my back-
and thought about staying there
and thought about the rubber wheels
as they passed over me

I looked and saw the cars approach
standing in the crosswalk frozen
as the lights released me
you were still there-
walking next to me in silence
pointlessly procrastinating
our long goodbye

I was angry and couldn't speak
And you let me leave

There is this look that you get,
And I can tell you are taking it all in
Every element all at once

Every particle of the universe,
At your fingertips
Awaiting your exploration

I want to discover,
The hidden secrets
Of our existence, with you.

I listened to your vinegar words
Tell me how to miss you,
Pleased to learn
When you break something
It grows back stronger

If I could ask any question of you
It would have to be,
Do you remember, when you decided
I wasn’t worth
Your precious time?

I feel the cool breeze
dance across my shoulders
and wisp through my hair
welcome at first-
sending a shiver down my spine
not unwanted, but shocking

A break from the saturated heat
nature plays a joke on us all
keeping us on our toes
and flexible to change-
a good lesson to be learned
the lovely winter in June