You don’t get to say
You were always there
You don’t get to pretend
You saved me
You don’t get to share my story
With you as a hero
When your villainy
Set me on a dangerous path of destruction
You warped my mind
And sent me into the darkness
Ill equipped to handle
What would be waiting for me.

I don’t understand what you expected
I don’t see how you thought you’d be anything more
Than a bad guy in this.

How dare you share my growth as your personal success
When all you did was throw me to the wolves
And the  act surprised when I was almost devoured
Or maybe I’m wrong
Maybe you were surprised.
This little lamb
Wasn’t ready to be sacrificed
And bit back,
Took down the wolves,
Escaped the pen and ran free.
Maybe I wasn’t supposed to survive.

I was helped along the way
By those who stayed by my side
Who heard me cry
And held me high
As I rebuilt
And now
Now I’ve come a long way
You want to pretend it was all to help me?

This little lamb knows the truth
I’m stronger not because, but in spite of you.

I don’t want to feel this way.
Lost in my own head,
A fog of pain and confusion,
A storm of heartache and void.

I believe there is more than this.
There is sunshine
And hope, my dreams,
My future
And love.

I don’t want to feel this way
Because it makes it so hard to move,
It becomes impossible to smile
To think
To breathe.

I know this is temporary
That darkness is followed by the dawn
Or a flick of the light switch
Or the flash of a torch
Hell, I’ll even take the spark of a match

Because I don’t deserve to feel this way
And I refuse to
Even if I can only fight it off for today
Or the afternoon
Or an hour
Or a minute

That moment will be mine
I am not going to let this beat me
Because I still have strength to fight.

I don’t want to feel this way.
I don’t want to have to fight to stay.
I don’t want to hurt those I love
I don’t want to lose myself.

But I don’t get to have what I want
So fight I must
And even if it's just for today,
Right now,
I choose to stay.

I’m no longer alone now,
In my dreams.
Now there’s a dark shadow
And it’s watching me.

All.
The.
Time.

I don’t have a moment’s peace,
As it follows me,
Judges me,
Mocks me.

It’s faceless
And monstrous.
A void of broken trust
And hypocrisy.

There is no safety,
No sanctity,
And as things stand
No way out.

I wake haunted
And scan the darkness of my room
Am I really safe,
Alone,
No.
I feel eyes on me.

The shadow is there
I can’t escape the voice in my head
“They are always watching you"
And I’ll never be free.

It’s a dangerous thing
Giving power to the faceless
But I have none left to give
Because it was taken
Secretly,  silently,
And I can’t get that back.

I am betrayed.
Afraid
And lost.

If you are so intent to follow,
And watch me,
Then I’ll lead you to the darkness
And you can see it consume me.

Because of you.

What is left for me to write
That hasn’t already crossed the page?
My heart aches for something new
Something real to embrace
To put into place
The stale waste that has captured my heart.

Time trailing away,
Waiting for things to change.
I want to adventure,
To explore,
To be brave and face all the things
I tell myself are for people with less fear than me.

Stuck in a half panic,
I am exhausted all the time
From a fear of everything.
But I want to feel something different
Excitement, hope, achievement
Change.
I need to feel something change.

I know the time is coming,
I know I need to wait
Just a little longer.
I need to hold steady,
Keep the fear at bay,
And when things change

Take the leap of faith,
Experience the world I want to see,
Be the person I needed,
Do the right things,
But mostly
I want to live.

Then, maybe,
I’ll have something new
To grace the page
I’m ready
To find something new to say.

I want something unwritten.

Looking back,
As I so often do,
I have two words to say,
Thank you.

I have loved you
For all the time I’ve known you.
Even after distance fell between us,
Even after the words in anger were exchanged,
Even after you’ve forgotten me.
I remember,

And I love you.

Even now,
Even though we never speak,
Never laugh together,
Never take the time to check in.
Even now you are half a world away
Living your dreams in all their glory.

I still care,
I still wish you the best,
I still hope you find your peace,
Your happiness,
That your world is beautiful
Because you deserve that.

I hope you never feel alone.
I wish you all the love
And kindness
And friendship you can find.
I hope they bring you joy
And peace of mind.

And if the world ever does get dark,
Or you feel lost
I always have my phone,
My door is open,
And my heart ready
To welcome you home.

I promise, you are never truly alone.

From the moment I knew you,
I have loved you,
In my own way.

In every happy moment,
In every single smile,
In every adventure,
And celebration.
In every success
And in every happy memory.

Since the moment I knew you,
I have loved you,
In every heartache,
In every illness,
In every fight,
And anger filled word.
In every failure,
In every moment of grief
And every unimaginable sadness.

From the moment I knew you,
I have loved you,
Even when there have been
Hours,
Days,
Weeks Months Years between contact.
I have wished you every happiness.
I have held you in my thoughts and in my heart.
I have only wanted the world to provide you with the happiness
You truly, deeply deserve.

Since the moment I knew you,
I was changed.
I have loved you as you have been
I love you now,  as you are.
I will love you for all you become.
Because in every moment
We are new and we are changed.
In every moment I get to know you again

From the moment I knew you,
I have loved you
For you are worthy of love, as you are today.

I am half a world away,
With a broken heart
Time travelling through the days,
Crying for the normality
That set us on this path in the first place.

In the past,
You tell me of your plans,
For the day I’ve already lived through
And I ache
To live it over again by your side..

How do I pull myself out
Of this mess I’m in?
Counting down the days
To the future when we share
The same timeline,
And even though
That horizon is the closest it’s been
It feels like a million lifetimes away.

How did we do this before?
Distance tearing me apart
Alone in the future,
Staring at white wall
That cannot be home
Until you share them with me.

I have loved you for so many years,
It’s all I really know,
The only way I can breathe,
Is focusing in the journey to bring you
Here with me.

I need to be brave now.
More so than I have ever been,
And my dear I am trying.
But it’s so hard to move forward
When I want to keep looking back
And wait for you.

But forward I’ll walk
Making the preparations I can
So when you fly through time
You reach the future worth travelling for.

In the past, right now and the future too
One constant remains true,
I have, I will, i do,
I love you.
***

Screaming into the ether,
That’s all I have left.
I cannot be ungrateful,
For the opportunity that is dangling in front of me,
As it has been
For what feels like an eternity.

Time has stopped.
I cannot move forward.
I cannot take new paths.
I cannot build my future.
I am trapped in this bubble of waiting
And I can feel myself aging
As the world around me spins on.

I am hurting.
My darkness rearing its head
For another attempt
On my battle scarred soul.

I am not strong enough,
Not as I stand.
I have spent so much energy
On merely surviving,
And the ongoing torment
Of all the unknowns are weighing,
Far heavier, than I could have anticipated.

I am pained,
But the guilt I feel
By that little voice in my head,
That likes to tell me how good I have it
How fortunate I am,
How selfish and ridiculous I am being.

So I want to hide away
Pretend I’m fine,
I have no right to feel pained,
To feel broken down,
To cry.

I have no right to be hurting,
To feel like I have nowhere to go,
No right to be afraid,
That I’m moments away from becoming
Completely undone.

My illnesses taunt me,
And terrorise me,
So I’m lost and afraid.

I don’t have the words
To express the depth of this
Which scares me the most
As they are my only defence.

My walls are crumbling
The enemy has breached the gate
I’m trying to run
I fear its too late.

I am lost.

One day
I might find the words for how I feel
And as they pour out of me
There will be no way to stop the flood.
I’ve tried so hard, for so long
To hold myself together
And now I fear the damage that may have done

A little bit of rain is mostly harmless
But crashing waves can destroy everything in their wake
And I know the pain and fear I feel is violent
I don’t want to lash out and hurt anyone by mistake

I know that things are rarely ever easy
When a war rages in your brain everyday
But the guilt of struggling
When your dreams are manifesting
Is such a heavy burden when your soul is torn this way

I have always struggled with the big stuff
I feel so much, so often, it can be hard to breathe
But I’m drowning in my own ******* emotions
And I fear I’m now way too far out at sea.

I know this drifting is but temporary,
And I know I have to keep on trying to swim
Because the shore is far closer than it seems
And the tide will turn in a way that cam bring me in
But I feel my strength is fading
And the night is drawing in so fast.
I was never meant to be in this world alone
I carry too many scars upon my heart

I won’t give up today, if ever.
I owe you all at least that much.
I beg forgiveness for my self indulgent ramblings.
I beg forgiveness from myself for what I’ve done.

For now I’ll keep treading water
I’ll trust that I can bring myself back from the deep
And I’m grateful everyday that you are out there.
So that I can write this heartache and not just weep.

With love to you
From the deep.

Do you remember
That little girl,
Staring out the window
As the world passed her by?

Do you remember
How she’d have her head in a book
After you’d told her 3 times
It was bed time?

Do you remember
How she would hang upside down
At the top of the stairs
To watch the TV through the gap
Because she didn’t want to miss out?

Do you remember
How she’d stand in the playground crying
How she would end up scratched and bruised
How she'd be pushed away
And told she couldn’t play?

Do you remember
How she spiralled
When the world was too **** hard
And she couldn’t see
How everyone else was strong enough to keep going?

Do you remember
How she battled on anyway
How she would cry herself to sleep at night
How she would question why she was even here?

Do you remember
How she grew up
And took on more and more challenges
How she fought to stop her scars
From making things too dark?

Do you remember
When she broke completely
How her world was shattered
And she didn’t know how to feel anything
But still somehow everything hurt
And she thought she had failed you all?

Do you remember
When she started to regroup
How your support helped bring her back to life
How she found the strength to smile again?

When you see her now?
Do you remember these things?
Do you still see that distant, lost and afraid little girl?

Because even after all that growth
All that strength
I still see her
And I don’t know how she got here
But I know she didn't do it alone

So thank you x

I will find my way home,
As I have done
So many times before.
The path right now,
Feels dark and cold,
Yet some turnings are so bright,
They blind me.
But I know
That no matter how far I stray
Into this unknown wilderness,
Where my silence,
Can communicate as clearly
As my words,
That it is only a matter of time
Before the stars align,
And my next steps
Will be clear to me.
Even without talk of superstition
Or destiny
I know it will be true.
Because,
Even after all this time,
My path always
Leads right back
To you.

Lazily
I sip my tea
And hope to drift
Far out to sea
In dreams of calm
And gentle oceans.
Rocking in the waves.

A soft warm breeze
To comfort me
‘Neath clear night skies,
And pale moon light
To keep me safe,
From all my fears.
Cleanse out my spite.

I pray please let me sleep.

The whispers of my anxious thoughts
Creep through the dark
To pester,
To haunt.
They infect my dreams
To force me awake
When nothing more
Than peace is all I pray.

So help me.
I need to rest,
The burden buried deep
In my chest
And none can help me
Be free of it,
If I can’t name the evil within.

So I beg of thee
My darker self,
Let me fall to dreamless sleep.
And then when I
Start to rise
You may continue torture,
With all your might.
But until such time,
As a long rest achieved,
I banish thee.

Please
Just let me sleep.

I doubt you’d believe me,
Why would you?
You have never believed in me.

But I did something brave
And bold
And so very ridiculous.

I made a huge life change.
I got up from the floor,
Where I have cried so many times,
And I kept getting back up.

I packed up my life
And flew across the world to start fresh.
I work hard most days
And sometimes I go out with my friends

That’s right,
I made friends!
You never thought I could.

You thought I was trapped forever
In the darkest hell you could find.
But I’m not, not even close.

But that’s not even all.
I have so many crazy things to build towards
To do, to dream, to be.

Don’t mistake me,
You weren’t completely wrong
The world is far from perfect.
I still have to fight **** hard most days.

But it did get better
It was worth it.
I did more than you ever dreamed I could.

So don’t feel bad,
We all make mistakes.
It will be your turn soon.
Lift your head.
You are worth more than you know.

With love
From your future self
***

The words lost from my lungs,
Breath stolen by the virus
That has yet to cross my threshold.
But the fear and the pain,
So real,
On the faces of everyone
Just trying to make it through the day.
The same day
Just on repeat.
The same day
Just on repeat.
Over and over again.

I can see the pain
Through the screen.
Connecting virtually
With people who this time last year
I would wrap my arms around
Not a second thought to be had,
And now,
Arms empty,
Heart hurting,
I can only watch on a tiny screen
For fear of losing you to my selfishness.

They say there’s light now,
At the end of this long tunnel.
But at times I am so blinded by the darkness
That maybe I’m looking in the wrong place,
Because I can’t feel the warmth
That the light should bring.

I know this is not forever,
We will grow and adapt.
Learn to live and thrive.
Relearn to hold our loved ones close,
To sing our songs out loud,
To stand side by side together,
And feel the warmth of the sun
Without fear.

But in this darkness,
Though I cannot hold you close,
I’m right with you,
Walking side by side,
Just 2 meters away,
Just 1 phone call away,
Right in our hearts together.

We will get through this to brighter things.
I am right here with you
Always
***

So patiently I wait
To see what form
My madness will next take

Between the nightmares
And broken sleep
I long for calm
A quiet peace

Yet shelters have become
Far less available
In the storms that have been brewing
For quite some time.

I feel the rain
Gentle at first
Leading me to a moment
Of ignorant calm
I can handle a little bit of rain

But a typhoon
Is another matter entirely

I beg for forgiveness
For something
That is entirely out of my control
Because “Sorry" is a word
That I know all too well.

I dig at my insecurity
Because no one should have to deal with me
So I start to isolate
Shut myself away
Locked in a room
With a typhoon
And no idea why I can’t breathe

So I lash out
At those around me
Unaware that the window, I’m looking out of, at them
Doesn’t show them the storm
That as raging within me.
And because I can’t open my mouth
To beg for help
They can’t see
How very lost I am.

But somehow
The storm breaks for a moment
So I scream, and beg and ugly cry
About everything that is drowning me
And in that moment
The glass shatters
The typhoon rages for all to see
My facade in tatters on the floor
My madness clear for all once more
Shelters are built.
Protections are forged.
I’m supported and strengthened
I feel brave, I feel sure,
And slowly but surely
The storm passes on
A brief hint of sunlight
A battle is won.

But I start to panic,
To wonder and fear
What if you all decided
To abandon me here
Who could blame you,
I’m broken and beaten
And I’m hard work to support
And I’m never who I’m supposed to be.
What if next time, the storm doesn’t break
What if can’t get help before it’s too late.

I don’t want to hurt anyone
I just want to help people heal
So please forgive me my illness
Let’s pretend it’s not real

I’ll keep facing the sun
Live my life true
And try my best
Not to burden the very best of you x

The sky is filled
With the light of the moon.
Borrowed glimpses
Of days long since passed.

The night sky, a beacon,
Of a bygone age,
And like us,
A reflection of all that has changed.

I miss you
And the way we used to be.
I know that’s selfish of me,
To have once felt like the centre of your world.
To know that, at that time,
Nothing would have been too much.
You would have travelled beyond the stars
To save me from my demons.

But now,
No, it’s not fair.
You have a right to your own life
And dreams,
And the happiness I hope you are finding.
I see you smile now
In a way you have never smiled before.

I want you to know that I understand.
And that truly,  I am so happy for you.

I will grieve for that time
Because it was the closest
We have ever been in our orbits.
But as time moves on
I must accept this new phase,
And while you shine so brightly,
I’ll reflect on all you’ve always done for me.

I will try to share that kindness back to you.
And as the cycle moves on
And our orbits drift away
I know it’s not forever
We will find ourselves close again.
But for now you need some space
And I’ll try to reinvent myself
In  this new phase
As someone you can be proud of,
Who doesn’t need you,
Quite so much,
So you can have the time you deserve
To be you.

Thank you Sunshine
For always showing me how to shine.
***

Fairytales are for children.
You know this
Brutal cautionary fables
Or beautiful magical lies alike
They are for children
And it’s time for you to wake up

You're late, You're late
It's an important date
The world is falling apart
But update your status
Smile and laugh
Share your dreams
Like glitter bombs
In everyone’s face
Because in a world of 7 billion plus
It always has been
Always will be
About you

It’s ok though
Hush little one
Yes the world’s not fair
And you know what
It never will be
The world doesn’t spin to the Disney songs
That for the longest time
Have promised you
That one day your prince will come

The world has changed
It’s dark and cold
You are a grown up now
There is no more protecting you
From the realities of the life
You decided to choose

And people don’t change
Not really
Because deep down
Beyond everything
We are driven by this need to survive
Well
Mostly
And the path of least resistance
Is the one people will take
So if they know a path well
They will keep walking it

And no matter how many times
We prescribe to take the path
Less travelled by
Ultimately
We make our way home

You need to put your feet back on the ground
Get your head out of the clouds
And learn how to own your ****

Because fairytales are for children
Life doesn’t play out like the movies
And ultimately
I’m done carrying your baggage
So you can flounce around like it doesn’t exist

You aren’t a princess
This world is all there is
Prepare yourself for it.

Forgive me,
For I have failed you.
I cannot spare the kindness
You so desperately deserve.
My words are vicious
And biting, as I dig deep
At the flaws I see.

I was trying to be better than this,
But somehow it’s got twisted
And I can’t see the good,
The positive,
The righteous.

I am judgement,
Where I should be patience and understanding.
I am bitter,
Where I should be light and thoughtful.

I am dismissive.
I am cruel.

I am disappointed.

I am not proud of my behaviour,
Or my attitude.
But proper apologies aren’t ready yet.
I don’t have the words,
I haven’t processed this fully.

I am all rage
And no reason.

I will try to find my way back to myself
Then maybe, with clear thoughts,
I can try again.

I hear you calling from the shadows.
I hear you say my name three times.
I turn to face you but you’ve disappeared,
So I’m alone and don’t know why.

The street lights flicker out and darkness
Has surrounded me on every side
I look for exits but there are none,
Not when I’m already lost outside.

I start to run right through the blackness
Hoping you won’t chase me through
I panic at the sound of every footstep
Is that just an echo, or is it you?

I reach a dead-end and I can’t see
Any way to get out of this mess
I feel you breathing right on my neck,
I crouch down and clutch my head.

I close my eyes and I can’t hear you,
I tell myself, time and time again,
None of it is real and you can’t hurt me,
Not when you’re already dead.

I open my eyes, the street is empty.
Headlights pass by and all is well
The dark is lesser now, I can see the stars
I stumble home, before you change your mind

I never wanted this to happen
You aren’t supposed to rule my life
I feel the fear well up in my chest
Please I beg, just let me rest.
I’m not ready to face you again.

I will never have the words to say
How proud of you I am
I know the pain
The anger
The confusion
That the long old road
To recovery takes you through

I know the sleepless nights
The tears of frustration
The sick feeling in your stomach
And the constant pounding head
That comes with the withdrawal

Meds designed to see you through
All the pain and fear you feel
Once taken away
You get washed back out to sea
No life raft left
Just got to trust you are ready
To face the crashing waves

And you will hold steady
It make take some time
And you may falter
But you can do this
I believe in you

Withdrawal will end
You'll come out the other side
You’ll feel ok again
It just takes a little while
But I’m here for you
Every step of the way
Recovery is tough
And it’s not a straight line
But together we can get you through it

Please believe me
You are going to be
Just fine.

It hurts
So much
That I can’t breathe

I can’t say it
Because that would be selfish of me
I’m not allowed to hurt
Because I’m locked away
In this privileged position
So I must be okay.

Yet deep down
It burns so bad
And I am afraid.

I smile as I should
And laugh at the jokes
I tell everyone to be kind to themselves
And try to push down
The hypocrisy of my own behaviour

I encourage healing
And time
And peace in which people can grow
Yet hide in the shadows
Stoking the very flames
That hurt me so.

No opinion
Or decisions
For fear of hurting you
Obedience
And sacrifice
That’s what good girls do.

But cages don’t suit me
And silence never has
I think the cracks are showing
And there is no turning back

The world is changing
My understanding is too.
I deserve to be more
Than this shadow of you.

Can I remember,
How to put pen to paper?
How did I form the words?
How do I know what I want to say
When I have forgotten so much?

My world has become so loud,
So busy,
So full.
Yet at times
I feel so empty.
Like I'm all out of strength
Of heart
Of thought.

The numb is so overwhelming,
I never knew
How important these feeling would be
Now I don't hold the memory of me.

I look to my past
To help me find my way.
If I can put
Words on a page,
Maybe I am not lost,
Not yet.

Because, as I struggle
With who I should be.
Some things
Can not have changed so much.
If nothing else,
It's as clear as it can be.
Leaving a blank page,
Is not my destiny.

Dear You,

How was today?
I heard you struggled.
I heard everything you screamed.
I heard the lump in your throat.
I saw your heart on your sleeve,
The tears in your eyes,
As reality hit you square in the face.

I have to tell you
It's going to be ok.
Those people
Who tear you down,
Who attack you at your weakest,
They aren't your fault,
You are not to blame.

I promise you now,
As I live and breathe,
You can be more than this,
You can be more than me.

Take a deep breath.
Lift your head.
This game isn't over yet.
You have only just begun.
You were never a quitter
So why quit now
You can't let them hold you down.

You will learn
To believe in yourself again
To see the dreams you hold
Play out for all to see
You'll prove them wrong
And be the best you can be.

This darkness cannot hold you forever
This too will end
And you will see the sun
Light up your life again.
I know you have it in you
To bring yourself back from the brink
I'm here
Hand outstretched to pull you in.

Don't give up
You are better than this.
Just watch
You will see.

With love and hugs
Yours sincerely
Me
***

Can I sell you a dream?
Words on paper.
Bright and clear.
Demons and dragons.
Heroes and fear.

I’ll fill it with hope,
With pain and fights.
I’ll fill it with intrigue
And the darkest of night’s.

I’ll take you to worlds
You didn’t know could exist.
I’ll keep you guessing,
End with a great twist.

You’ll tell everyone
"This is the next big thing"
It could change the world,
Oh the joy it could bring!

But it won’t.
Because I can’t make it happen.
I can’t bring myself to do it.
I don’t have the words,
The skills,
The imagination to make it real.

So instead,
Can I sell you a dream?

It’s funny,
I’ve tread the boards before .
Yet somehow,
The stages feel very different.

The funny thing about grief
Is the brittle nature
Of the acts you battle through,
Back and forth,
Round and round.

Denial is my personal favourite
Because for that time,
Nothing is real.
Within the eye of the storm
You feel almost safe somehow,
And yet,
Before long
Anger bubbles.

Effervescent rage takes over,
And screaming, shouting, swearing at the world
Is the only course of recompense.
For everything is wrong,
Everything is pain,
And it sears white hot
Through all doubt.
But
It only lasts for so long,
So you beg,

You bargain for some peace;
Some change of circumstance,
Some hope.
Anything you have to offer,
Everything in fact.
For you are tired,
So very tired,
And the unfairness of it all
Weighs heavy on your heart.

So heavy depression creeps in
And as you lie awake at night,
The black dog crushing your chest,
You question everything.
How you could ever hope
To pull through this cloud?
You question,
If you could ever see the sun again?

They are painful
Whirling round and round
Flipping back and forth
Replaying the scenes
Painful and necessary
For the grief appears
For many reasons

And a knife in the back;
The heartache that follows,
Is kin to this storm.
I know there is one more act to play
But I haven’t learnt my lines
I’m not ready for opening night

I have no acceptance yet.