I was calm,
And then,
You.
You showed up,
With your warm brown eyes,
And your dark brown hair,
Your constant smile.
I never see you frown,
I never want to see you sad.
You’re beautiful,
But, you don’t know me.
How creepy am I,
To write of your attractiveness?
It doesn’t matter,
You’d never notice me.
But, oh,
How red I get when I see your face.
And, oh,
How heavy my breath gets when you are near me.
I long for you every day,
I long to know you,
And to touch you,
And to love you.
And I hope you would, in turn, love me, too.
How do I end such a creepy poem?
I just wish,
One day,
You’ll notice me.

Hello,
It's been a while since I've tried to do this.
I've been hesitant to even try this,
But life is getting a little more tough-
More tough than I can bear to handle.
I often struggle to figure out what is wrong with me,
But there are a lot of things that I am concerned about.
So,
Here are my concerns, so far:
-I'm afraid that I'm going to fail
Just like,
Anything that I pursue.
A class,
A test,
A paper,
Even a homework assignment.
Failure is a huge fear of mine,
And everyone else's,
So I'm trying to brush it off.
But it's lingering there,
I feel as if I am destined to be a failure.
-I'm afraid I'll be alone forever
Everyone else has fun,
Everyone else has friends that they hang around with,
On a regular basis.
I have no one anymore.
-I'm afraid I have no purpose
There are so many people,
That know what they want to do,
And what they have to do in order to get what they want.
All of these people,
Have eons of experience compared to me,
And I'm just a speck of dust,
That will probably remain a speck of dust.
-I'm afraid to lose contact with my loved ones
I never initiate conversation,
Because I feel like no one would care either way.
I feel like an inconvenience to so many people,
So I figure better to not connect at all.
But, this poses a problem:
I am rapidly losing my relationships with many people.
Friends,
My mother,
My father,
My siblings.
-I'm afraid of my deteriorating health
Mentally,
And physically.
Mentally,
I am down-spiraling.
I feel like I don't belong here,
Living in this world.
Physically,
There is so much wrong with me.
My legs hurt every day,
And I'm only eighteen.
-I'm afraid to lose the love of my life
This, selfishly, is my primary concern.
I have found the most wonderful person,
Someone that truly fits with me.
They are so amazing,
But I fear that I will lose them quite soon.
Of course,
I am concerned about freak accidents and all,
But I am more concerned about me messing things up.
I don't do enough for them,
And I feel awful all of the time for being less than great to them.
It *****,
Because they're the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
If I lose them,
I'm losing my life,
My vitality.

So, there are a few of my biggest concerns.
Of course,
These can be broken down into even more concerns,
And there are far more to be mentioned.
But this is an introduction
To why I'm a mess.

You had hurt me,
To the point where you were dead to me.
I went days, weeks, months, even,
Not thinking of you,
Until that god-awful day.
When I saw you again,
It was like seeing a ghost:
Fear filled me,
Then sorrow.
I wondered if you knew,
Just how much pain you’ve caused me.
I wondered if you were sorry about the whole thing:
The consant upsets,
The crying,
Ignoring me,
Repeating the same old routine.
You’re dead to me, still,
I just wish you’d stop haunting me.

You're here.
The universe produced you,
And you are here.
It is scary,
It's big and so easy to get lost in,
But you will find your way.
You are here,
To make friends and meaningful connections,
To do fun things,
To learn,
To do what you want to do,
To fulfill your life's purpose.
Not sure what your life's purpose is right now?
It's okay,
A lot of people don't.
That's part of the reason to keep going,
To find it.
It might take a while,
It might take a lot of effort,
But it will be worth it.
You will find what you need,
Because you are here,
And you can do anything you so desire.

I wish the pouring rain
Would cleanse all of the hate,
Sadness, and insecurity
That lies within my soul.
I want the thunder
To scare my motivation,
My dreams, and mind
To do better.
If only the lightening,
Could spark my emotions,
My will to go on,
Back to life.

I have a lot of problems
That seem to get pushed aside
Because I’m “smart enough”
Or I’m “able to go through this”
I’m tired of being told I can do it
I’m tired of being told
The
Same
Old
Three
Words
Because quite frankly,
I don’t think that it’ll be okay
My feelings are raging,
And one expects to quell them using
Platitudes
That mean absolutely nothing to me
I just want someone to resonate with me.
I just want someone that resonates with me.

So little time I have
To do all that I want
Even though I’m relatively young,
I cannot help but think about
How limited my time on this planet is.
Much time is spent worrying,
Either about the past,
Or what is to come in the future.
If only there was a way to stop
Thinking about this-
It makes me go mad

There's more hate in me now than there ever has been before.
Why do I feel so heartbroken?
Maybe because,
Once upon a time,
I thought that I knew my way.
I thought that I knew my purpose.
I have spent so much time building myself up,
And the leviathan has knocked it all down.
My strength has withered away to nothingness,
My feelings are not even considered.
This leviathan,
He,
Alone,
Has hurt me so deep,
For the sake of love.

I'm desperate,
At this point,
Give me a sign.
What do I have to do,
To get what I want?
You care more about yourself than you do for me,
That much has been made apparent.
I am filled with a bitter, intense regret,
I feel like I have made the wrong choice.
I have spent so much time,
Getting entangled in your trap,
And now I fear I cannot escape.
How can one be with someone else,
Yet feel so, so alone?
I have yet to find the answer to this question,
That is incredibly relevant in my life.
All of the love that I have felt for you,
I feel it going rotten.

Beauty is all around us,
In the natural world,
Even in man-made objects.
Sometimes,
It takes me a while to completely understand
That beauty comes in many forms.
But you,
You are the prime example,
The poster child, if you will,
For what true beauty is.
I know you will read this,
And think about it in disbelief.
But you, my love,
Do not see yourself
The way I see you.
Shall I start with your mind?
You are so sweet,
Selfless, and kind.
Your heart is worth its weight in rhodium.
Seeing you care so much for your loved ones,
And even people who aren’t in your inner circle,
Lets me see how beautiful you are.
You always make sure that everyone is okay,
You never try to purposely hurt others,
Even though some people might deserve it.
Your mind is as beautiful as a mammalian mother caring for a newborn.
Let’s move onto physical features,
Like your eyes.
Your eyes provide me with a warmth that the sun could never,
They give me a feeling of comfort
That a million blankets could not.
And when you look into my eyes,
I feel as if I am staring into whatever  Heaven could possibly be.
Your gaze is so powerful,
And so beautiful,
I can only glance at it for seconds at a time,
Before becoming truly maddened
By your beauty.
Your smile...
It brightens my life like a billion fluorescent lights
Nearly as contagious as pink eye,
I cannot help but also smile,
Either to myself or physically,
When I see you smile.
Your voice also is encompassed by your radiating beauty.
I love to hear you talk,
And sing,
And laugh.
I wish I could listen to you forever,
Talking about your favorite things.
Your singing makes me feel at ease.
I find myself enjoying songs I would not normally enjoy,
When I hear you sing them.
Your laugh may be one of my most favorite sounds in the world.
It is even more beautiful than the sound of a C-chord,
Strummed on a finely tuned guitar.
When I hear you laugh,
I laugh,
Because it makes me so happy.
You, my love,
Make me happy
With your beautiful mind,
Your beautiful body,
And your beautiful soul.
You’re more beautiful than a math problem that works out perfectly.
You’re more stunning than a Portuguese Man O’ War.
You’re more gorgeous than a sun setting on a beach.
You’re more amazing than the first words written down by a new pen.
Sometimes,
It makes me frustrated,
To know that you don’t see yourself
The way I see you
But,
I hope this somewhat helps,
If only temporarily.
My love for you is not temporary,
It is forever.
I will continue to love you,
And appreciate the beauty of you,
For as long as you will let me.

I miss living near the beach
Whenever I would get upset,
It would only be a five-minute walk
To my place of tranquility
Hearing the waves crash upon the shore
Calmed me instantly
It was like the waves were washing over my soul

I feel like I'm stuck.
I'm crying,
Crying for help.
But no one can hear me.
They're deaf,
I'm mute.
No matter how hard I try to relay to them,
That I keep sinking down farther and farther,
Using my hands and my ****** expressions,
I seem to have forgotten
That they are also blind.

When you fall in love,
Everything seems to gain a deeper meaning.
Like when a song plays on the radio,
That you listened to with them that one time.
Just hearing it,
Can bring back happy memories.
Or when a simple word or phrase
Pops up in a conversation,
Or in your head
That makes you smile upon hearing or thinking of it.
Even an item in a store
That you go into,
Not planning on buying anything at
That calls out your name
Because you know that they would love it.
Going to certain places,
Also brings back nostalgia.
Sometimes,
People might get mad at you,
For being so focused on the one that you love.
They might criticize you,
For not focusing on your future instead.
But deep inside, you know that you are,
Because they are your future.
Everything that you do,
Is for them, and for you.
All of your decisions,
Come not without thinking of them,
And how it would affect them.
Because when you fall in love,
Everything gains a deeper meaning,
And it feels good.

I feel sick.
I need to throw up these words in my mind,
That have gotten me feeling so ill.
And if you're reading this,
I'm sorry.
This is going to be long.

It hurts a lot,
To reconnect with someone you were once in love with.
I don't know why it hurts so much.
I am in love with someone,
Someone far greater than the person in question.
Yet...
The person I was once in love with,
I suppose they still hold a portion of my heart.
I've only been talking to them again for a few days,
But it seems like we've just picked up where we left off.
The jokes we make,
The laughs we share,
It's easy to remember what things used to be like.
But I have to remember,
I have to reign myself in.
They hurt me.
It's not realistic to think that everything used to be okay.
I make up these scenarios in my mind,
And I only remember the good stuff that happened between us,
When there was arguably more bad.
And that's something that I need to realize.
They hurt me,
And I'm still healing.

The thing is,
Why am I still healing?
Why does it feel like a wound has been opened again?
I'm so, so very in love with who I am with now.
It's incredibly insane how happy they make me.
So why do I get upset over these things?
It might be because I tend to reminisce,
And I like to look back on happier times.

In all honesty,
I feel miserable right now.
I feel like I'm trapped,
I can't tell anyone what's going on between me and my past lover.
Because all I get is ridicule.
"Why are you talking to them?"
I don't know why.
I hope that this just is a platonic thing on both sides.
I'm suspecting that it might not be.
"What did you expect?"
I expect a lot,
I want things to be okay.
I didn't expect this, though.
"You're just going to get hurt again."
I know this.
I've been through this many times.
And.. I don't care.
"What about your boyfriend?"
I don't know why this is in question.
I love him, and I'm not going to leave him.

So, what do I do?
If things don't go the way I want them to?
I don't want to lose them again.
I worked so hard to be someone that they could come to.
What to do,
If things go wrong?
I guess I'll wait for it to happen.

Life has been...
Rough, to say the least.
I feel lost,
I feel like I have no use.
I feel like this until...
I am holding you.
Staring into your eyes,
Nothing going on.
Just us,
Looking at each other,
In the near-darkness.
And I realize, my purpose,
Is to be here,
With you.

Five months
One-hundred-fifty-three days
Three-thousand-six-hundred-seventy-two hours
Two-hundred- okay, you get the idea
It's been a long time
To me, at least
I mean, houseflies only live to be like a month old
Forget about houseflies
I want to write about you
And how amazing you are
How someone can be so amazing to me,
You make me feel like I'm at the top of the world,
Despite my fear of heights,
I am calm
Whenever I am with you
How is this possible?
That is a question that I have been pondering for,
Well,
Five months.
I don't know how to explain it
Looking into your eyes makes me feel secure,
Hearing your voice puts me at ease.
I don't know what it is
I don't believe in soul mates
I don't believe in forever
That's what I used to think
My entire outlook on life has changed
Positive things stand out greater than the negatives
Small gestures now mean so much to me
I'm more grateful and appreciative for what I have
Life has improved so much
All because of you
There are a lot of things that I would not be able to enjoy
Had I not met you
Going on adventures at the beach and at parks,
Laughing together at seemingly stupid jokes and puns,
Making and eating good food,
Even mundane things like windowshopping
Have been turned into fun days that I look forward to,
And look back on fondly
Because you were there with me
I can look back on these past five months and think one word:
"Yes"
I love you so much
And I want the whole world to know it
Happy five months,
Even though I'm kind of a day late
(That's because I was with you yesterday)

How can it be?
Just a few days ago,
I felt okay about this.
This whole thing:
Us,
The future,
And what it could hold.
Probably good things.
But just like all good things,
That have happened in my life,
They have been ****** away,
Into the vacuum of despair.
Now I'm terrified,
And I can't tell if this will last.
I don't know if I want it to.

No one’s made me feel this way
Not once before
I don’t even know what to say,
I don’t know what’s in store

But I’m sure it will be good,
Things always are
It’ll be like it should,
For you are my star.

My star, my shining light,
I think I’m in love with you.
You burn so very bright
And make my feelings true

You’re different from everyone
I know this for a fact
If you decide that you’re done,
My feelings will still be intact

They’ll never go away, my love
I’ll sing songs and write to prove it
You’re so gentle, like a dove
Eyes bright like a candle that’s just been lit

It’s you, my dear
Nothing else matters to me.
Everything has become so clear,
I’m finally able to see

It’s refreshing to be in your presence
There’s nothing else I’d rather do
Even when I feel tense,
I know I can count on you.

Love was always a foreign concept to me,
But you make it seem so natural.
It's relieving to feel this way,
But it's also really scary.
I want to love you for as long as possible.
I want to make you happy.
I want to give you everything you want.
I want to be everything you need.
But...
I don't want to disappoint you.
I don't want you to be upset.
I don't want you to think badly of yourself.
I don't want you to leave.
Everyone leaves.
It's almost guaranteed.
It'll hurt like hell
When you leave me