all you wanted was the closure i never got
when you expressed the will to reunite
your crime was to abandon us at a time
when the need for a savior was too high

i got your message and plea in my court
you stood like a fool and defended your crime
calling my convictions a theatrical show
and apologizing in the end after stabbing a dagger

I saw a white swan in the pond
Floating carelessly towards its aim
Then I saw myself in the same still water
I always pray for the same serenity
For the years to come in life
But within me
There’s a ravaging storm
Which cannot be helped
Even catharsis fails me sometimes
I try to calm myself breathing in and out
I speak words of wisdom by putting a hand on my chest
But I fail every time and so I end up crying
By raining all the poison out of my eyes

everyone is going to their place of dream
their pen and papers screams pride and dignity
and in the fate's script it only talks about my failure
my efforts led me to nowhere but my defeat
i'm envious of everyone who got to follow their dreams

i learnt about the stars, galaxies and cosmos
so one day i could steal a portion of their shine
to add in my name
learnt a language to study in a foreign land
but my dreams collapsed, i cried, i state

dear gentle reader’s, go out and have fun
the summer is here, go visit a bookstore
feel the zephyr as it touches your face
when sun is up high and
swan’s playful game in the lake
sit by the lake with poetry in one hand
watch ladybug climb up your hand
lay down your head on the green grass
watch the paintings that tree shadow paints
forget your tiring efforts, make new memories

waking up in the morning
to find bright light on the face,
there are birds chirping near the window
and in the next scene water dripping from the faucet

the silence i feel in the countryside feels
bigger than the world out there lying-
awaiting for me to step outside
and nothing else but to watch buildings?

ravishing summer morning,
a reminder to go out and
play by the river or
spend the whole season listening to music

the train wheels stopped at a station
and the roads leads to lake harmony
my homestead, the town my memories roots run deep
the air feels fresh while the sun is overhead
walking down the road, it brings me to a house
where a friend of mine once resided
i faded away from her life when i was eight
i try to summon her face but
her haunting childhood flash before my eyes
seven but her abusive father left her traumatized
stranded in an ocean from which she can't swim out

she would sit alone in her room
playing with the dolls wearing her mother's cardigan
and whenever i saw her, she would just smile
all she could wish was to fly high in the sky
too young to know the right steps
i wonder about her whereabouts
and is she fine?
i should've ran away with her
to a place far away from her father's reach
to a place in the mountains
where the cold winter feels like summer
where she would've spent time singing like crazy in valleys
where no one would've dare to hurt her again

lurking in the shadow
to hunt her down
to put all the blame on her
there’s a man dressed as clown

was it that “her clothes too short”?
was it that “she was too easy”?
reasons circled around
there’s a man dressed as clown

clown is unapologetic
clown is a predator
clown is a hypocrite
there’s a man dressed as clown

just looking at the stars
my curiosity reaches its high and
tells me to fly through them

i will enter the interstellar space-
a place between the stars
that will send me love for coming trillions of miles apart

the love which is different
from the one that you get on your planet
where bodies are buried everywhere and ashes in the soil

the love which is different
that will never hurt you and
one can dream of it after death

just looking at the stars
makes me want to fly through them
for once i can't wait for everything to end

midnight and,
far from my town's bright light
in darkness of sky i find solace
in darkness of sky i seek freedom
i look at the glittery trail of stars
the satellites moving as if stars are racing
the Pleiades looking like a small ursa major
i lay my head on the grass
before fog comes to obscure my view
before its grayness takes all over me
i look at the stars, spot constellations
wishing if i could fly through them
wishing if i could go and visit a planet
wishing if a planet that can carry the weight
the weight of my emotions,
the weight that pulls me down on the ground
there's a freedom in the night sky
meant for dreamers, meant for believers
i want to dream, i want to believe
that i will be fine
midnight, and i run away from the town
to seek freedom in the starry night

no real friend would play with your feelings
to have a control over how you feel
misleading remains the biggest cause
why so many never come out alive in this game

no real friend would undermine this bond
unless they never considered it from beginning
to some being craved is the one great thing
no matter even if the cost is a friendship

lies were fed for months in his head
that maybe there could be a thing in between
lies were shattered on the night of big reveal
when other confessed saying, "i knew it"

A month named after Maia
A transition from spring to summer
24 rotations on its axis
19 circles round the Sun
A boy born, his future uncertain
Years of hardship, keep enduring pain
Heart shattered at 16,
And haven’t recovered from the loss
Her body cremated and ashes in the river
Never got a chance to bid farewell
Turned 17, oh what a miserable life
School life turned to hell, full of rumors and lies
At 18, graduated from school
His efforts and work never came to ripe
I hope you’re okay on this fine Friday
Accept my regards as this poet turns 19
Cause I haven’t given up yet

in my periphery, a messenger arrived
carrying the sadness and the news of goodbye
“the roses you sent died out on their way before they could bloom
the dreams you planted were set on fire by the demons you fought”

now walking alone on the empty streets at night
staring at the moon wondering if you’re looking at it too
i would talk to moon thinking you’re hearing on the other side
beyond the seas, you were still close to me

oh my! oh my!
i always prayed for days like these
“when i would run late for the class
and someone saving me a spot”
though something it speaks to me
of truth i’m facing bigger than my dreams
“this ain’t your dream college
this ain’t what you worked for”

but something it speaks to me
“avenoir a great this desire, till you see the worst”
a savior in the war
a refuge from my demons
shelter till i fly again
my cold barren land
has already dug my grave
i’ll stay till the summer arrive

our song is me writing-
"poetry about those stolen stares
songs about that beaming smile
and even a whole film script about it"
the ink of my pen bleeds in pink
but later turns to gray
i weave our memories as part of a big story
with a ****** in which you
devoured me with a kiss
but the falling action sets me adrift
to wander on the seas wide
with no cure to this disease
our song is a song in which-
"nothing happens but desertion comes in light
to pull out my nerves and haunt my midnight
i lose my sanity and cry till my eyes starts to bleed"

i feel tortured in winter, the fog  reminds me of good times
when my gray world turned to blue
i feel tortured in autumn, a season spent missing someone
a total love blackout
i feel tortured in summer, a summer meant to be full of love
turned to gray
i feel tortured to see rain, it reminds me of weeping nights
and when i was in pain
a tortured poet and his tortured seasons
a tortured poet forced to be tortured by torturous peoples
because of their torturous sin
a question why did i associated my memories
and made my seasons tortured?

Arrival of fall, rustling of leaves
Strangers walking down the alley
Far reaches from the city grounds
A girl, a charmer arrived in the fall
The planet on its tiptoes danced 16 times
To welcome new chapters in her life
In the trouvaille, I found a friend in a stranger
A friend I never knew I needed,
In my journey to love myself
The courage flowed like river from her words
Her aura that outshines moonlight
In longing of someone, she counts the stars
A hidden sadness behind the beaming smile
A hidden pain behind those eyes
In her happiness, the gunnen rises on me
Went through ups and down
She always fought the demons in her mind
A figure who loves “tea”, to be debutante in her prime
Have friends like poison ivy
But she knows how to live life

Memories chained around my neck
That comes to life at midnight
Just like a snake bite with its fangs
Their voices sink their teeth into my skin
Release their poison and absorb a part of me
Then they speak to me: "Kneel to the ground and surrender yourself."
I close my ears, as the deafening silence takes over me

my elegy-
my muse covered in death
my wistful cry for help
innocence in her eyes
her last words and hug with a embracing smile

promises made and promises fade
8th of november, when moon turned red
the curse would lift but my roses turned black
the great eclipse returned and claimed another laugh
death of me inside
my lover absquatulated me by that time

lost two souls
on and by-
november 8 and another goodbye
two different years but same eclipse
cursed my sky, stole its shine

my muse
my unspoken words
our antithetical stories
your charm
your goodbye before the dawn

i traced the lines of our fate
never aligned
the red string woven around
which seems too weak
your presence lingers around me
like a shadow

rain poured down before
before we became alive
before i let it out
before i could hold on
before you screamed it out
i watched you being washed away from my shore

i watch the rain
blurring edges of my side of the world
as i wait for it to cleanse my wounds
as i wait for it to blur my memory
as i wait to let go

Walking back home, I take my time
To feel that summer evening
The birds returning to their nests
The sun is glowing red
And the night is one step ahead
The sun’s beautiful reflection in the pond
And the cold breeze that hit me and down to my soul
I stand there in peace and hear the voices of crickets
The serenity I feel in the euphonious tracks of nature
Walking back home, I take my time to
Feel that summer evening

I have this picture of you—or should I say, I own this picture of you—
that I have kept hidden in my chambers,
neither inside my diary nor within a vault,
but frozen in time within my mind.

It is both painful and lovely to watch,
my lingering feelings keeping me tied to it.
Yet, all it brings me now are memories that ache.

"You're sitting and smiling, posing for a picture,
your eyes concealed behind silver glasses.

dear september,
tell me, “you’ll be fine”
tell me, “you won’t bleed”
tell me, “your eyes won’t rain”
tell me, “your wounds will heal”
tell me, “you won’t be sad”
tell me, “this month won’t be same”
tell me, “it’s the happiest you’ll be”
tell me, “someone will love you”
tell me, “words won’t be shot at me”
tell me, “memories won’t haunt you”
tell me, “this time will be different”
tell me, “you will make memories”
tell me, “you won’t be deserted”
tell me, “ you won’t be depressed”
tell me, “you’ll be at peace and free”

on my desk
lays a plan grand
to escape from my town
and live in the valley

waking up to the sound of birds chirping
ending my day with a walk in the evening
at night, sipping tea by the fire
to falling asleep in the arms of my lover

i’ll watch, “trees shedding a part of them in fall”
i’ll watch, fog cover my ground”
i’ll watch, “rain pouring down”
i’ll watch, “green take over again”
and
i’ll watch my inner child heal

words from them won’t hurt anymore
looks from them won’t scare anymore
scars from them will stitch up this time
and they won’t be there anymore

he sat beside me as a friend
while hiding his claws behind the back
and whenever i tried to reclaim my power
my bones were broken by the fate's plan

i never said no and allowed him
to commit the brutality
was it that i couldn't differ between truths and lies?
or i could never believe this new idea of him?

yesterday august knocked at my door
today he is once again here
and asked me if I’m fine
with every week, month, year passing
the time continues to count days dear
since you sail on your ship to seek peace
leaving a part of you engraved in me behind

stole my peace,
pushed me into the storm
who once was oxygen
is now a poison pushing me to grave
never ever before my eyes punctured at night
never ever before i thought of goodbye
i knew the risk i was taking
i knew how it would end
yet i chose to love you for your words
i still do, i fear

birds have nest and they call it home
but you sneak from my back door
in fear of your girl
when you can leave her
and we can build our home

you take the path away from plain sight
you use perfume to hide fragrance of our love
this affair born from match fire
and is burning my skin
tell me is the wait eternal? and
will the weight continue to grow?

the moment I saw the text cloud appear and disappear
i knew that was when I lost you in the argument
the moment of silence that followed was not just any peace
but a calm before the surging storm
a storm that wreck havoc in its path
and tore me to my bones and soul

now in my tomb of silence, carving your name on the stone
i lost the one I cherished, now I lost the one I loved the most
weeds and fog has covered the grounds in november’s cold
my thoughts are burning my skin, I want to drown

lying on a pillow you used the other night
the night we spent under the moonlight
only few stars in the sky but you looked so bright
my demons and ghost got so fright

a solace in that moment but pain is what i feel now
your memories tells me to smile but
there’s a big side to the eyes i can’t see now
now begins another race to survive

wake me up when it’s all over
“when the ink of my pen stops bleeding
when there is no trace of their memories”
wake me up when the nightmare is over

november’s sadness will take me down
burn the bridges to the next run
lunar eclipse and pacing under the sun
gray will return in it’s darkest shade

i was crucified by my own friends
for the sake of their own happiness
my tears became their way for joy
yet i never learned my lessons

i was sacrificed by my own friends
they found pleasure in my pain
a sadistic thing i always tried to deny
till i heard the evil plan one noon

i was crucified by my own friends
the re-telling feels like a stab in the wound
no joke was funny, nothing about me was
i was the wallflower they always dared to hunt

in every utter of my words, there's a existence of you
in every stutter of my words, the breath carries the name of you
your indelible eyes sparked something dangerous and wild
and i find myself floating on currents wild, with risk of drowning
but drowning in your eyes feels safer the mourning
mourning the loss of us that will come without warning

my shaking hands and long sighs
for who i am, i feed on delusions
that someday the bow in my chest will fall
and a new dawn will arrive at the door

the weight i carry- of emotions, stronger than waves
waves that are sinking me under their weight
i close my eyes and teleport to secret gardens
i'm too weary to bear this pain

anxiety wrapped around my neck
and hands struggling to free myself
lying on my bed close to the edge
i was struggling to keep my breathe

in the velvet sheets,
where cries turned into moans
and with a single kiss,
i was brought back from the hell

swing of a pendulum speaks to me
in its back and forth motion
it prophesied to be prepared
storm will make landfall again

the last words of farewell
were sharper than a knife
the last words of farewell
damaged more than a cannon fight
all my fears conquered that war
leaving me to drift on the sea
with no sign of shore
thus began the night,
never to come to an end
crying in veil
and my pain reached new heights

in your eyes, there’s a plea
as if they’re in search of something warm and sweet
the look that you gave me sparked something
something very dangerous that needs to be handled with care and free
free of insecurities for it to bloom
bloom in the best shade of blue

my plea is to forever hold you dearly and close
never letting go of your hand and let it freeze
in november’s cold when it’s snowing outside the window
i’ll build something with snow and let you laugh at me
my plea is to forever hold you close
and peace will never leave our door

you lost your dignity in my eyes
the moment i sat down to write-
about your impudence and lies
that you threw at me and said goodbye

a coward in the skin of a roaring lion
threw stones at my door after setting it on fire,
allow me to brief you about the damage caused
karma will always follow you, or whatever path you stroll

skin in flames, tears and my pain
you caused it all while i was grieving someone's loss
thought you loved me like i was your favorite flower
but you tore me apart from petal to petal

your prayer to ascend for heaven, will always remain as a wish
years of torture that you have me hiding under love's disguise
it will come to hunt you just like your memories haunt my dreams
and in that moment i will know that was my revenge

i came across a case like historians
who failed to decipher scripts of old age
i failed to read his mind
who through his actions had put it on display
i failed to read his actions

kept his life locked behind the doors
never letting me in
and knowing
what he was going through
i foolishly
               tagged him
               blamed him
“for ruining our friendship”

the mizpah, the bond that kept us close
broke in an instant
bringing my world to an
“blackout”
my nights turned haunted again
the savior absquatulated me again
my ghosts began to rule over me again
leaving me in a state of despair

death came from rattle snakes
build a fort just to dig his grave
air became thinner inside
with every single inhale
mesmerized by the good feeling
his obscured vision of love
couldn’t differ between words or places
memories that still haunt him at dawn

one common bite and 100 different faces
excruciating pain and smile on their faces
black dahlia flourished in my rose garden
my eyes rained, someone punctured the cloud
scandals that can ruin lives, lies that can take lives
a friend is not a friend of yours
beware of those snakes
who befriend you and **** your soul

I took the punches
paying price of my convictions
like a withered rose
my pieces all over this froze
can't resist and can't let you go
I come back even when you bleed my bones

Blue were my days and nights
when you would check on me,
with late-night conversations
and your playful words about meetings
Is it the days that I miss, or
is it you whom I long for?
This affair was forsaken from the beginning

the magnetic pull that draws the connection
it can become weaker once you use the same poles
a friendship built upon the idea of being wanted by others
will always shatter over a little discourse
one wanted to be loved even if it was as a friend
one wanted to use the other's skill for his own great good
we were always meant to fall apart
the signs were there but you chose to ignore
to be used is to be wasted
that was the message from my greatest god

When I speak about the monster,
I speak of the trauma and the pain.
He feeds upon the bones and flesh,
And so, you won’t survive.

He lurks in the shadows
And comes out at midnight.
When your thoughts quicken your heartbeat,
He is a devil in disguise.

First, he lures you into his grand plans,
With late-night conversations with yourself.
Then, he bites the hand that feeds him,
Leaving you numb, with no will to survive.

the clock pointing to midnight
the walls are coming closer and closer
i’m going mad
my biggest fears begins to rule over my mind

scared of my own thoughts
scared of voices that tells me to die
i would put my hands on ears
and close my eyes

the paper says “i’m depressed”
stuck between haunting midnights
a fight between life and death
have no clue where i shall seek shelter

this war was started by your cannons aimed at my door
now i'll be the judge, i'm prepared with my *****
to bury us six feet below the ground
i'll make sure you never rise again

i'll be the hunter and you will be my prey
and this time you will run for your life
when i become a monster you always claimed i was
till i leave every lingering memory of us in ruins

in quiet of the nights
his demons comes out
and begin to rule over his mind
attacks are made
wounds re-open
and bleeding doesn’t stop
as he confront his demons
with his head high but knees on the ground

memories, promises
failed dreams, enemies
and 19 years of life
flash before his yes
everything start to pull his nerve
with screams so loud, a cursed man’s curse
his house is his grave
and there are cries in his silence
begging for help and lord’s forgiveness

loving someone new was never so torturous
moving on but my face is still gray
reeling at night, smiling in daytime
desertion from you still haunts my midnight

thought that love would make its grand return
but the lingering sadness over-weigh my fervor wishes
the fleeting feeling of love
but it failed to turn gray into a blue world

i saw in the mirror, a reflection of mine
the wallflower that fade and shine
standing atop in the war against my fears
demolished the walls, became a people pleasure
made friends that spew out poison
nothing good came from letting pretenders into my life
took off that mask and enjoyed my own company
now I have someone, a true friend of mine

you’re so majestic, I don’t deserve you
you’re so grand, I don’t deserve you
your heart is nothing but pure
and I fear my gray one will infect yours too
my love can cross border’s but yours can cross universes
i hope the sun smiles at the brightest for you
you’re kind, I don’t deserve you
you’re the muse I don’t want to hurt, I don’t deserve you

You see, I'm an actor.
I'll cheer for you,
While I'm dead on the inside.

I'll write scripts
And put them in action
To prove I'm fine.

It is weary sometimes,
But shows my growth as an actor.

I'll climb the highest of the mountains,
And my tears will rain down to end drought.
And blood will flow like a river.

It's a long road ahead;
I'll learn this time to be fine.

on a ship wandering on seas
a sea of peoples seeking for peace
i asked them,
“if the ship went down, which flower should they use at my funeral?”
he said lotus
but I said lavender
she said peony
but I said sunflower
out of the crowd someone screamed out,
“use a bouquet”
i asked ‘why?’
he rephrased it and said,
“idiot they all mean recovering and peace”