I'm trying so hard
to be the best I can be
but some days
the parts of me
I haven't learned to like
get the best of me
and I don't know how
to piece myself back together
with all my pieces still intact.

I try so hard
to be the best I can be.
just trust that even days like today
still keep me on the path steady
to being the best me
I can be.

She messaged me last night,
Telling me she was proud of me.
A little surprised by how far I've come.
This whole growing up thing.

It took me off guard,
And I responded as kindly
As I could manage,
Without sounding off-put
Or surprised.

I told her that I'm seeing him tonight,
(My Bluebird)
And she offered up a couch for him to crash on,
Because she doesn't know we're spending the night together,
Because it never came up.

But still, despite the shock,
I'm so excited.
I'm antsy and feeling the need to pace back and forth
If my eyelids didn't feel like
Lead.

I get to see my Bluebird
Tonight and I'm excited.
I get to see him,
Talk with him,
And meet some of his friends.

But I'm a little shaken up,
I woke up at midnight
In a cold sweat.
I want to hold your hand,
I want to see your smile, and hear your laugh,
And I'm so confused.

I don't know if this is me doing well,
Or if this is me finally catching a break.
I'm not sure if all these good things
Are due to my efforts,
Or some higher power saying
"Okay okay, give her a break."

I just want to be
The best me
I am capable of being.

Let's hope I can.

Bluebird,
Because I know you're going to read this,
I hope you know how excited I am
For this weekend
And spending this time with you.

You can do everything.

all the breathing exercises, all the mind calming techniques, all the grounding rituals, take all your meds at the appropriate times and with food, go to therapy, do the worksheets, make the changes, but you'll still falter sometimes.

and it could be anything, and you could see it coming and not even know you're seeing it.

it could be a song, a word, a noise, an action, anything.

for me it's the sound of rain on roofs.

and you'll fall back into the darkness and the hatred where you think no one can find you or pull you out again. You'll slip under the raging black sea, and let it consume you entirely
as black water
fills your lung
like rapids

and it burns but you let it happen.

because it was too quick, too sudden, for you to stop the water from drowning you.
you try to stand but you can't find your footing because there are no sandbars for you to stand on
only water.

and you thrash but sooner or later you're dizzy and your throat burns and everything is spotty and you can't think

and you're gone.

replaced by a shaking shell of the memory
of not being able to move your arms
and the thunder and rain drowning out your screams
and each blow to your head making it harder to make any noise at all
(and people wonder why you have memory issues)

and finally, when it's over
you're shaking and shivering and your sobs are so violent that they don't make any noise
you can't eat for weeks and when you do you just throw it right back up.
you can't look at your brother
or hug your father
and the disassociating gets so much worse that your arms bleed and ache almost constantly.

your "friends" worry, but not enough to do anything.
your teachers worry, but not enough to ask why.

no one ever asks, so you never tell.

and while you shake and shiver in the car
because you remember it all so well
and you just want it to stop
but you can't get enough air
and you're an absolute wreck,
there's light drifting down to you
through the murky black water.
it's bright and blue and warm
and suddenly you're on dry land
and can breathe
but you're looking into eyes made of galaxies and storms
and you're afraid if they see you this way that they'll leave,
because you're such a mess
but you can't pull it together.
but he found you, in that deep, dark water.
and he pulled you from it,
and helped you breathe again.

and you wish you could show some type of gratitude,
but you know that even if you said thank you a thousand times over,
you'd need a better word than that.

and you sooner or later smile,
and it's like the water and tar never took hold of you.

so maybe you can be better, with a little help.

For the first time,
I'm bidding farewell to Summer
With a heavy heart,
As the Autumn weather
Comes rolling in,
And I'm brimming with
Anxious excitement.

I've spent my days
Studying faces
Dreaming of far off places,
Humming under the light
Of the harvest moon.

I feel more at home
Amongst purple and black clouds
And snow drifting down from the heavens
In the middle of the night.

I feel more at home
Watching the rain fall to Earth,
And the quiet of the cold
Gracing the winds,
From my windowsill,
Than I feel in a crowd of people.

I've never been great at
Letting go of memories
Or of anything
But I can feel it slipping,
This isn't my home,
And just as Summer turns
Into Autumn,
Things have to change.

And just like I've always
Loved breathing in the crisp
Smells of Fall,
And watching the leaves change and turn
As the trees let them go
With bitter-sweet farewells,
I have to let go of who I was,
And my own leaves
That though sick and dying,
Are, in their own way,
Still beautiful
In all shades of colors
From black to red.

So for the first time
In my entire life,
I'm saying a goodbye
To what used to be,
I'm letting go
Of the pain that built me.

And for the first time
In my life,
I'm looking forward
To all that the future may hold.
Every falling leaf,
Every blizzard,
Every April shower
And May flower,
And every single
Ray of sunlight.

And I am bent
And I am broken,
But I have been mended
Into a shape
Much better than before.

And I like to close my eyes,
And drift away
To a memory
Of your eyes
Grazing my features,
And that smile
I love so much
Playing on your lips.

I want to remember
Forever
Everything about you.
And I'm so at peace
Over the fact that this could really be forever,
I want so bad for this
To be forever.

But I'm so astonished
That we fit so well,
And that we click so well--
Isn't that what we called it?
"Clicking"?

And I can't wait
To show you
Just how much
You mean to me.

Thank you for letting me fly with you,
But let me help you too,
Let me love you too.

I miss your smile,
I miss your laugh,
I miss the warmth of you holding me,
And I love the way you smile
And the way you laugh
And the way you make funny faces at me
To cheer me up.

I love the face you make when you're focused,
And I love catching you off guard enough
To make you laugh.

But I hate the part of me that desires comfort,
And I hate the part of me that can't stand to watch
Anyone hurting,
And watching videos about children under the age of five
Makes me choke up
And the feeling of loss suffocates me.

But you bring me hope and comfort,
And a sense of peace I've never had.

I can't wait
For you to come home,
And I can't wait to plague you with kisses
And hugs
And all the cuddling
You can stand.

I don't know how
To be someone
You'd miss.

I'm awkward
And spastic
And giggly
And over zealous.

I'm terrified.
I shut people out.
I say too much.
I don't say enough.

I'm cold
And cruel
And i hurt too easily.

I just want to be
The one
For you
That makes it all okay.

I just want
To be the one
You want to be with
At the end of the day.

And promises don't mean much to me.

Actions speak
Louder than words.

But i'm all words and honesty.
My actions are usually skewed
By my twisted sense of
Guilt.

You know how they say
That if you pinch yourself
And it doesn't hurt
That you're dreaming?

Well I think
The same thing goes for love.
We get angry and hurt
Because we feel so deeply,
And we're so vulnerable
So it's easier for things
To scrape at the raw parts of us.

Not to say
That being angry
And being hurt
Should be common.
Just to say
Love makes people
More reactive.

I get hurt because I feel like
You don't let me in.
And I get hurt
Because sometimes it feels like
You don't care
Or don't pay attention.

And it's alright,
It's okay.
I'll be fine,
Anyway.

But I know you care,
I know you wouldn't lie to me about that.

But within my dreams
You leave me
Because I don't stir a fire in your heart,
And I don't feel like home to you.

I pray to the God you don't believe in
That all of that isn't true.

I do what I need to, in order to survive. That's my purpose. Get out and get out alive. I'm made to keep going, I'm made to persist. It's why I'm here, why I exist.

But you've given me more reason, along with the others. More reason to wait out all these grey seasons. Now don't get me wrong, I am fine on my own, but being with you is so much better, so much better than being alone.

Because there's more to life than surviving, there's a portion of living too. And one of my favorite parts of living, also happens to be loving you.

Anxious breathing
Would devour me whole
If it weren't for my unwillingness to be a burden.

I breathe in and I count
And then I lose track because I'm dizzy.

Waiting for time to pass,
Distracting myself via baking cookies.

I can't even begin
To articulate
Why I feel this way.

That you'll find something better--
That this isn't so permanent to you.
That you don't think we're meant to be
The way I do.

And it shouldn't bother me
But it rubs me the wrong way
Because I can't read you
The way I read others.

Other people are obvious,
They think they're hard to read,
And because of their colors,
They aren't.

But I see your colors
And I can't tell what they mean
Because there's so many of them,
And they don't move in the same way,
And you try to hard to be level and steady
That rarely does anything slip out from your carefully constructed walls and gates and fences.

And usually people are trying to break me down,
Figure out what I'm all about,
And the change is nice,
Even if it's challenging.

Sometimes I feel like I don't really know you,
Like there are parts of you I'm not aware of,
And some days
I feel like I know every inch of you,
Inside and out,
And that I always have,
And was always meant to.

Today I'm not sure,
Anxiety and intrusive thoughts are devouring me whole.

And my fears rip the flesh from my bones,
And maybe I'm just insecure,
Or scared, I'm a coward after all,
But I know you know
I'm not going anywhere.

And I hope you know
I hope you understand
When I say some things aren't options,
I mean it.

This is it, and I don't know
If you really thought it would be this final,
But I knew,
And while it scared me,
I was so very ready,
And I'm just afraid
You don't quite understand that.

Maybe you do,
How would I know?

I never claimed to be a mind reader.

All this fear and discontent and outcry
makes me think of
nobody the dead man.

and if the notion were made
that I should cease breathing
I'd laugh bitterly in the face of
the adversary calling
"go **** yourself"
a mantra I've had chanted at me
many times.

because, don't you know?
it has taken me years to love myself,
and really only within the past seven months
have I started.

it takes more
than meaningless defeat
to bring me down.

but within the cries of sheer terror
I hear my peers falling into despair
and I can only look on helplessly,
for what solace can I give
with burns on their backs,
and wringing marks on their necks?

and I have been assaulted
more times
and by more people
than I care to admit,
but i will never know the fear you feel
for something as simple
as your skin
or bone structure.

I only know it
from my gender,
and my demeanor.

there is nothing I can do,
but continue forward,
and help as I am asked.

do not,
darling,
cry out in fear of death.

cry out in rage.

we are built to be by the people and for the people.

you are the people.

do not react in violence or hatred. Educate. Demonstrate. Make them understand. Give examples. You are the future, and you will make this world better, not a fat cat in an office, it would be the same no matter the figure head.

fight.

and when you feel like laying down your arms and no longer bringing forth peace, that is when you continue forward and keep going.

It feels like my skin is crawling,
Though I know that's just the old medication
Seeping out of my pores.

It feels like the room is spinning,
But that's just me getting used to
It not being in my system,
Because the new medication hasn't kicked in yet.

I'm a mess,
I'm a wreck.

My emotions are splattered on the wall
Like red paint or rust colored blood stains.

I feel myself slipping
But it is a slow decline
From sanity.

I fall into the void,
But the void spits me back up.

And why shouldn't it?
I'm not done here,
No, not yet.

There's only so much pressure
things can take
before they break
or change.

maybe I am broken
or just a diamond
in the rough.

it's hard to tell
some days

but hopefully
one day
it won't be so hard
to tell.

I was told
in May
that I am Rogue
from X-men,
and I'm desperately searching
for my Gambit.
for the hug
that Wolverine gives Rogue
without hurting.

because I hurt people
without meaning to.
it's never my intention
but people leave me
for one reason or another.

but you are Captain America,
all boy scout and morally correct
until you need to put the fear of God (or you)
in someone
or unless you need to protect someone
or only until you need to do what's right,
and then the boy scout front dissipates.

but if you're Beast Boy, I wanna be Raven.

but you're Red Robin, and I'm still Raven.

My skin is freezing
But I can feel myself sweating
And I know I'm shivering
But I'm much too hot.

And maybe you were right,
The other night,
Maybe I'm sick.

But if I'm sick
I made myself so
Out of stress
And overthinking.

And sometimes I wonder
Why I'm only ever cold when we're not touching,
When you're far away.

And I wonder if I'm ever
Far from you.

If I ever seem distant
Or like I could slip out from your fingers
At any second.

I want to apologize if I do.

I never intend
On going away.
Against all odds and obstacles,
I promise I'm here to stay.

WARNING: NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART**

Fly, don't fall.

If someone is meant to be in your life, they will come back to you. You can try to move on all you want-- They'll come back if they're meant to, and the timing will be right.

You can try to hold onto someone all you want, also, but if it's not meant to be it's just not meant to be. Go with the flow. You'll figure it out.

Throw away all inhibitions and fear. There's no use being afraid when risks are meant to be taken. You might as well just go do the thing. You'll never know if you don't take the chance.

People will hurt you. By accident, usually, if they're good people. Good people don't hurt others on purpose, without a valid reason. Learn to understand this accidental hurts, and forgive them.

Remember to embrace what you feel. All of it. It will make you stronger if you can stand up from the negative feelings once they are felt, and embrace the one you love within the positive ones.

You don't have to be alone all the time. Let them in, I promise it's okay.

I've been spiraling
All over the place.
And I don't know
If I'm going to make it out
In one piece.

That is if I make it out
At all.

Please don't believe me
When I tell you nothing is wrong.
Don't believe me
When I tell you I'm fine.

I'm trying to protect you
From myself,
But don't let me,
No,
Don't let me.

I'm not okay,
I'm sorry.
I'm scared and I can't do it
By myself.

Breathe life into me,
Because I'll be okay,
I promise you.
But I can't be okay
Right now.

I don't know how to tell you
I don't know how to just say
That I'm so far
Away from okay.

I wish you'd ask
How I am
And I wish you'd
Be a little more attentive,
For the sole reason
That I'm not holding up
As well as I've been.

Paper is light,
But man,
Is ink heavy.

And words
Pooled in ink
Weigh me down,
All one hundred and twenty five
Pounds.

And the paper is light enough
To pull me up,
All the way
To five feet
And one inches.

I am an outline,
Not even the rough draft,
Becoming something greater,
But not quite far enough
To be anything quite worth saving.

My book of life
Has been opened by a few,
And left out in the rain by many.
Pick and choose
Pick and choose
The chapters and quotes and snippets
You want to keep
And leave my pages out
To have the ink bleed out.

But you come along,
And you've come along before,
Helping with a few chapters of this book,
And but suddenly you're here,
And you've come along with smiles
And light
And hope
And I don't doubt any part of you,
And I know your intentions
Are to stay.

I might only be some outlines,
But this ink is heavy on this paper,
And I hope you appreciate
My binding.

I am not the sunlight
I am the faint glowing kiss of the moon.

I am not loud nor bright nor do I demand your attention.
I go unnoticed most nights.
but upon the nights of which
eyes of storm blue laced with heart gold
see me (finally)
I am quite the sight to behold.

I am not breathtaking
but i am soul snatching and heart stopping.
I bring tears to the eyes of mortal men,
if only they choose to look with their hearts
and truly see rightly.

I am not what the day has to offer.
but if it is the stars and moon that you choose
to love freely,
it is me that is yours.

If you asked me
How do I know what love feels like,
I will know simply because
You say the word love
And I think of you,
In shades of red
And shades of blue.

And people ask me
What love means,
And I think of sunsets so orange,
And I think of sea-foam so green.

And if I could
Describe
What it means
To be alive,
I would tell you
All that I know
To be true.

That you cannot wait
Until you are ready.
Or else you and your hands
Will never write steady,

You must dive head first,
Into everything you desire,
Because if you do not
It will simply add more fuel
To regret's fire.

And you must love
With all that you are.
Because any less
Is not love by far.

You must risk
Facing a burn,
For you must trust in me,
You will find your love and truth
In turn.

I love you,
And all that you are,
And all that you do.
Whether it be your
Oranges or reds,
Or your greens and blues.

I love you,
And all that you are,
And all that you do.
Whether it be a smile so wide,
Or iris's splashed with gold,
Within a pool of blue.

I am not loud
Nor am I a demanding presence,
So why do you remember?

Why do those years matter?
Why is it so important to me?

Why does it all matter?

Let me tell you,
It matters because you were the first.
The very first
I had ever felt anything for.

And now I want you to know,
I want you to be the last,
The last person I have felt these things for.

I am not bold,
I am not fast,
I am not the best
And I am never the last.

But I will give
All that I have
To be yours,
To be your last.

I don't see in me,
What you see in me.
I see a world of mistakes,
And a life built of scars.
I see myself,
Thirteen and running through tall grass,
To escape things I wish I had never seen.
I see blood and loss,
I see missing out,
I see a guttural growl
And lashing out.

But for there are softer sides of me,
And I don't want to paint a picture
And replace what you think you know.
I hope you keep seeing whatever it is
You see of me.
I hope you keep seeing
Whatever picture you have of me.

I want to be seen as gentle,
And kind.
A ginger touch,
Filled with warmth,
And some type of love.

And it matters to me,
Because about eleven years ago,
You were the closest thing to someone that knew anything about me.

And seven years ago,
I saw you again,
And when we finally saw each other
More than a month ago
This time around,
I fell hard,
Just like then.

It might not matter,
All that time,
All that loss in between,
But it means so much to me,
That you're here
Now.

That you're mine
Now.

And now there were times
You wish you were there for,
But it's okay.

I am who I am
By doing all of that,
By handling all of that
On my own.

But I am here,
And you are here,
And finally,
I can see why it matters.

There's a type of loneliness
That comes with isolation.
I know it well,
I've been in the psychiatric hospital
Five different times.

It's the same kind
Of loneliness.
It's the kind
Where you know people care
But you can't reach them
And for whatever reason,
They can't reach you.

And you're not entirely isolated.
Just mostly so.
And it's not a punishment,
Not like the usual kind of isolation,
It's just necessary,
For whatever reason.

But it's okay.
It won't last too long.

Fragile and frozen
Like a sculpture
Made out of
Thin ice.

The depths beneath,
Are dark and cold,
And will lull you
Into a trickster's sleep.

One after the other,
They dare to break the ice
Of her skin,
And she looks at them
With pitch black eyes.

And they cannot tell
If it is fiery destruction,
Or the cold embrace of the unknown
That sits behind her iris's,
But either way,
Knees start to shake,
And teeth start to clatter.

Grasping at their throats,
Hands grabbing at flesh,
She stares at the foolish nature of them,
And blinks.

There is no action,
No voice.

Turning from the airy
Ice cold presence,
They take a stab at the statuesque
Figure of stone
And she screams.

It's shrill
And suddenly she turns,
And claws are tearing at their eyes.

Dark eyes bleeding black.

She bites into
Their throats,
Ripping part A
From part B.

Scarred knuckles crack
Onto jaws
And she
Loses it.

Upon the thought of loss,
She is neither fragile or frozen.

When their happiness
Brings you happiness.

And you know it's love
When their smile
Lights up your darkest days,
And you know it's love
When that usual fear you have of everything
Is either gone
Or replaced with a determination to make them visibly happy.

Because as someone who
Has seen a thing or two
Not being visibly pleased,
Means being visibly displeased,
Not to say that you should change,
But this is the mind of someone
Who has been altered
In terrible ways
And this is how
I've learned to survive.

But I know it's love,
Because I don't have the same type of fear.
There is the inherent fear I always have,
But besides that,
I feel so safe
With you.

So safe,
In fact,
That I could go anywhere in the world,
And it would feel like home,
As long as I was by your side.

Do you even see me? Or am i just a figment or your imagination or even my own? Do you even hear me? Or am i just the wind screaming and scraping against the windows and shutters? Do you even feel me? Or am i just the looming weight of your past and mine, and all the guilt in between? Can you even taste me? Or are my lips just the faint sense of familiarity in a cold world. Does my scent sweeten your disposition, or is it just a soft, flowery reminder of the void?

Who am i and who are we,
What is the point and
What even is meant to be?

I was once so sure,
But now i don't know.

I don't know anything,
Especially
What i'm supposed
To be.

My legs are
Criss-crossed,
Sitting with my shoulders slouched
Trying to make waves
With words.

My eyelids are heavy,
The mania makes it so I don't sleep.
I've been manic
For a week.

Tired during the day,
Up to the moon at night.
But I take my pills on time,
So I can keep up the good fight.

I'm trying to be sane
When I'm not.
Trying so hard to be perfect,
Trying not to get caught

B
   R
      E
         A
            K
                I
                  N
                      G

So I'm mixed up but I'm

M
    A
        K
            I
              N
                  G

My way back
To the start.

I just have to find my way
Back to the start.

I think of myself as generally understanding, but:

why do anything that does not make you happy
if it does not better you
or others?

why allow yourself to be cruel
when it us much easier to be kind?

why disregard someone
who puts so much effort into caring?

I will never understand
the lack of what I have learned.

I was built
on equivalent exchange
and loyalty to loved ones
and never giving up.

I do not understand values
that do not include such.

Keep your arms open wide,
Open wide.
Treat with love every time,
Every time.
Be fair, be certain, and be kind,
Be kind.

I'm afraid I cannot call a house a home,
A home.
I can only keep going, I know,
I know.
But there is nowhere to go,
To go.

And you'd give it all,
It all.
To paint these walls,
These walls.
With tear I've let fall,
Let fall.

To show that beauty can come,
Can come.
From even the saddest heart's thrum,
Heart's thrum.
And within the beat of every drum,
Every drum,

Good can be found,
Be found.
If only you look up from the ground,
The ground.

Please remember,
Keep your arms open wide,
Open wide.
Treat with love every time,
Every time.
Be fair, be certain, and be kind,
Be kind.

"I am ethereal,
"I am strong,
"I am dazzling
"Like the bursting and dying stars
"Within a galaxy," I whisper to myself,
With a blanket over my head,
Wiping the onslaught of tears
From my eyes.

They cascade like rushing water,
And my lips tremble,
Trying to stop
The choking sob
Within my throat.

The nightmare's panic
Washes over me,
Like the tide of the ocean being pulled by
A full moon,
And the sickening scent
Of icy salt water.

I pull the blanket
Tighter around my shoulders,
And I say a silent prayer
To an Entity
I only speak to as a friend.

"Let me be ethereal,
"Let me be strong,
"Let me be dazzling,
"Like the bursting and dying stars
"Within a galaxy."

And I continue,
"But do not let me be so,
"For myself.
"Rather, allow me to be ethereal,
"Strong,
"Dazzling like bursting and dying stars,
"In the eyes of those I love."

And it may be wrong to seek approval,
And I'm not doing so, because
I know I am ethereal.
I know I am strong,
and Dazzling like bursting and dying stars
Within galaxies.

Those that cannot handle it
Do not deserve it.

But I wish to be
A spiraling, airy, colorful light
That you see in the deepest depths
Of another world,
Within the realms
Of heavenly bodies,
Simply for the fact
That I wish to be better than the good I am,
So I may be good enough,
To match your light
That has become so bright
As to cast out all my dark.

I am always so scared, these days.
I mean, I've always been afraid of what
Is scaring me so much right now.
But right now it seems somewhat plausible.
And right now, if it happens, it will all be my fault.

Because all it seems I know how to do
Is break people and run away.

People like me,
We were never taught about
How to love,
How to have a home,
How to be stable.

People like me,
We were only ever taught how to survive.

Which means we run, and we push people away, and we handle all our troubles on our own.

And a person can only survive like that for so long, before they stop being an actual person.

People like me,
We were taught how to survive.

No one ever taught us how to live.

He was smiling,
But I know that smile.
That's the
"Thinking about something else, someone else. Are we done yet?"
Smile.

He made a silly face,
But I know that face.
That's the
"How many likes can this get, how much immediate gratification can I get?"
Face.

He held her close,
And I cringe.
Not because it hurts,
No.
I cringe because I feel pity for the poor girl.
I know that body language.
That's the
"You are a possession,  you are an item."
Way he holds his arms.
That's the
"You're a trophy, you're my possession."
Way he props his shoulders.

I don't appreciate her friends
Sending me pictures of them together,
But after blocking them,
I push down the urge to save her.
It's not my business, it's not my place.
Hopefully he changed for her.

But I know that the self-serving monster
That he is
Will always somehow survive.

Of course, what do I know?
He was a blip on my radar of life.
A single year gone to waste.

His wounds won't last
So deep.

I feel too deeply.
I love too much.
I am much too fond
Of people
Who I can lose.

And I shy away from animals I can't have
As my friends
Because I'll get too attached
Too quickly
And then when I can't have them,
It will be very disheartening.

It's hard
Not having your colors to balance me back out.
It's difficult
Not being able to touch you
Feel you
Hear some part of your mind
Consistently,
Whether it be reading a text
Hearing your voice
Or seeing your colors.

I don't know
What to do
With myself.

Will you ever know that smile
that I try to hide
when I think of something funny
In a moment that doesn't call for it?

will you ever know the sound of my laugh
when my stomach hurts from being hysterical?

will you ever know the difference between my laughs or my smiles?

like when I smile because I have to
or when I laugh because I'd otherwise be crying?

will you ever see the parts of me that aren't broken or damaged
will you ever see me as strong or brave
will you ever see me
as anything more
than something that needs rescuing?

will you ever know the different ways I fall apart
some so much more subtle than others

like when I bake for days on end
or can't keep my focus on anything
like when I talk too fast and too quiet
and can't pinpoint exactly what went wrong and where?

will you ever know the sound of raw truth in my voice
like when I tell you I love you
after telling you the more grisly and from details
about my past?

will you ever know how badly it hurts
to know that you've hurt?

will you ever be able to see past my facade of jaded apathy when the weight of my vast empathy is just too much to show at all times?

will you ever see me for the blinking spot of hope dancing on the dismal and dark horizon, like at one point I once was for someone.

will I ever be a strength
or forever a weakness?

I want to show you all the ways
In which you mean to me,
And I want to show you all that
You've done to heal me,
But I'm still scarred and bruised,
I'm still a little less
Than I guess
I could be.

And it's hard for me
To open up
To anyone
I don't know how to explain
The dreadful details
Which explain
Why certain things set me off
Why I shiver and I shake
Why I seem so defeated.

I'll tell you little bits
So it makes sense
But I'm terrified
If I tell you anything more
Than the little you know
That maybe you'll think of me
A little less
Than you did before.

I want to show you
How much you mean to me,
But I can't love you properly,
Until I learn to love me,
And part of that
Is letting you love me too.

W
    H
       Y

Would we

B
   O
       T
          H
              E
                 R

With gentle touches,
And loving gestures
When I just flinch away
Or am too scared to ask for
Any help.

W
   H
      Y

Do you

B
   O
       T
          H
              E
                 R
                     ?

I guess it's because
You care.

Strange.

Still new to me.

Just like birds
I learned to fly by being pushed too far,
but I pushed myself having loved you for so long.

just like birds
your voice is as sweet as any music
I've ever heard
(even if you can't necessarily sing)

just like birds
our love is an everlasting
spiral of color and light

just like birds
there is a ferocity to protection
and a mourning after loss.

just like birds,
life and love are found in the most peculiar places.

And i am distant enough
from those memories
that I cannot
feel a thing.

I want to protect
you
but I can barely
save myself.

my greatest fear
is that one day you'll see
that the enemy
is me.

I haven't thought of you in months.
I haven't said your name in years.

I hold no ire for you,
or the apologies I sent to you desperately
that you'd never accept.

and I'll always ******* care,
but I can't bring myself to care about anyone
that's walked out of my life
and slammed the door
anymore.

I'd love to rehash a friendship,
I'd love to apologize till my mouth bleeds,
I'd love to figure out
the sins I've committed
and all that went wrong.

but that's not my life
anymore.

I'm in love
with someone I cared for,
before I ever loved you.

I'd love to make amends
but there's no way
I can fix what I did
anymore.

so thanks for the memories,
and thanks for being who you are,
who you were,
and who you will be.

I will always care.
I just can't care as much as I'd like to
anymore.

It's sunrise.
you're leaning on my shoulder.

my eyes hurt from crying,
and so do other parts of me.

I woke up sore,
from nightmares and reality.
I don't understand
all that possesses me.

you twitch,
and you're asleep so you don't know,
but for the first time I flinched
with you.

I'm shaken up from dreams
of things you'll know nothing about.

I want to wake you
so to see if you'll hold me,
but after a night of
being beaten and screamed at
within my dreams
I don't even know
if I care so much to breathe.

it's not a death thing,
it's a "I'm hurting and don't know how to tell you how fragile I really am" thing.

you don't want me to hide from you anymore
but it's not that I don't trust you,
it's that I have to be careful.
I have to be safe.

if I let you see too much
hear too much
know too much
you might leave
or worse.

you might grow to hate this
weakling crybaby that I am.

my heart is tender
and I am fragile.

I do not thing
that is enough.

Hunger
Aches
In the bottom of my stomach,
And I'm cold sitting here
Under a fan
With a sweatshirt on
And shorts.
I could move,
But there aren't a lot of places
To be.

And I'm slightly dizzy
Because the hunger is stronger than I thought,
And wow at least I'm hungry,
But it's a different type than I remember.

Hunger isn't so bad,
No, it is not as bad as I remember
Sitting in the cold of winter
Wondering if maybe the next day
Will bring shelter and food.

And I think and close my eyes
And suddenly I'm still cold and hungry,
But it's not cold as in I have ice in my veins,
Rather a lack of heat
That being I crave heat,
And my hunger isn't exactly for food,
Rather for the growling to stop
And maybe hunger of the eyes is a thing,
Because I want to see your eyes light up
Which they do from time to time,
And I want to see you laugh and smile and hear your voice
And oh my God,
The anticipation is killing me
But it's a-okay
I promise,
Because I love having my hand held in yours
And I'd (im)patiently wait lifetimes
To feel our fingers interlock
If I had to.

Not to be a cliche, defined as
cli·ché:
A stereotype that is overused and displays a lack of thought,
But Bluebird,
If flying with you isn't where I'm supposed to be
Then I am so happy to be lost.

(I will hold you in my heart
And keep you warm there,
If you return the favor.)

I'm bleeding,
can't you tell?

I have iron overshadowing my scent
and gore coating my skin.

I'm bleeding,
can't you tell?

it's pooling at my feet,
and dripping down my stomach.

I'm bleeding,
can't you tell?

it's spurts from my heart
and begins to film at my ribcage.

I'm bleeding,
can't you tell?

the blood from my veins is seeping through my pours,
and streaming from my tear ducts.

I'm bleeding,
can't you tell?

I'm wounded,
I'm hurt,
I'm so broken and damaged and--

I'm bleeding--

wait.

no, I'm not.

I'm slowly healing, and the wound is scabbing over.

I'm gonna be okay.

I remember a time far away, where I held the hand of someone long gone.

I remember laughter and jeering words at light-hearted expense.

I remember the warmth of a summer breeze doing nothing to cool me off.

I remember braiding her hair, and braiding his.

And I can't help but to think: would it be any different now, would I be any different, if any of you stuck around?

I don't blame you.

I'll never blame you.

But I'm fearful of losing one more,
The same way I lost the five of you.

Listening to Hawthorne Heights leaves me all choked up.

There's a story here somewhere,
And sooner or later the man I want to marry
Will need to hear it.

Today isn't that day,
But August has always been tough for me,
About nine years ago we said goodbye without words,
Because you never liked goodbyes.
You felt they meant forgetting,
But you ******* idiot,
I'd never forget you, any of you.

Two years ago,
Two weeks from now,
I tried to disappear
Into nothing.
Claiming being burdensome
Wasn't the life for me.

I'm so glad I'm still around. I'm so glad I love who I love and that he loves me.

But I'd be lying to myself if I said there wasn't a part of me that's scared of losing what I have.

I woke up four times last night,
And each and every time
I reached for you,
And though you were not there,
I prayed to God you got home safely.

And I miss you so,
But I know
That in four weeks time,
All this missing you will be so worth it,
Because then I will be yours,
For I love you more than forever,
More than always.

I hope to only let you bask
In the light I have found for myself,
So that I may know who I am,
And so that I may love who you are.

I remember you saying
That lions do not concern themselves
With the opinions of sheep,
And while I am still working on
Ignoring sheep,
I hope you know
That I will proudly be your lioness,
If you are to be my lion.

Why does it even matter, it never even mattered. I'm just the broken little fragment of a memory, I could be so much better but I'm not, why should I be? Because why should I know anything, why should I be prefaced, why should it be explained? I'm nothing no one and I've never mattered and still don't.

I'm not even mad. Just sort of hurt.

So thanks for knocking the wind out of me from four hundred miles away. Maybe I'll be able to breathe again, but you're the only air I need but that doesn't matter, I guess, not to you.

"Do you love him?"

I recall my therapist asking me last session.

"Yes,"

I answered, quickly, softly, and with all the warmth I had left.

"How do you know you love him?"

And I couldn't help but smile as I stammered out an answer,
Tears rushing to my eyes.

"Do you know what it's like to be colorblind?"

I wanted to ask.

"I have the opposite problem,"
I wanted to start.
"I see too many colors. Too much input, and it all plays out as a spinning wheel of color and light." I wanted to explain.

"But because of all the constant input of some type of color scheme, nothing makes sense."

And as I sighed, and gave my answer to him,
The much less complicated,
"He is kind, and loving, and smart, and understanding."

I desperately wanted to say, "My Bluebird makes me smile when I don't think I even remember how to. And it's because with him, the colors finally make sense."

And I know I should have said it. But how do I say it simply?

"Everything makes sense when I'm with him. That is how I know I love him."

I have broken parts of me
That I never want you to see.

But if I'm going to make a change,
I might as well let out the raw vulnerable parts of me,
And let you take your pick,
You can stay or you can walk.

And it's a ****** mess,
Quite literally,
The stories of these scars.
But smear away some blood,
And you can see something different.

And I'm scared of what you'll find,
If I tell you all my secrets and fears.
Because what if you leave,
And take those parts with you?

But the only way to trust someone
Is to trust them.
So here it is, here I am,
Here is all that I am.

Every broken vulnerable bit.
I don't have much
Skin left unmarked,
But if you'll take me as I am,
I can see myself
Half as well as you see me.

And I'm terrified
That you'll shine lights
On the darkest corners of my mind,
And run for the hills,
But the Bluebird I know
Is one of the bravest people
I've ever met.

Maybe I'm something atrocious,
Or maybe I'm just downtrodden,
But either way,
I'm scared but I'm as ready as I'll ever be,
Because I don't think anyone is ever really ready for anything.

I'll dig my fingers into my ribcage,
And split myself
To show you my heart and all it's scars,
And my soul and all the stains my sins have left upon it.

Close your eyes,
And don't open them until I tell you to.

I wonder if you even know
The way I yearn to be yours,
To be wholly yours,
Not just legally so.

I wonder if you know
The way I long to be shown
That you feel the same way for me.

I don't take
Hints very well.

I'm smart,
But I doubt myself
Much too often.

And I feel as though
You are the light that burns within
My heart,
And you are the hope I've held close to me
For so very long.

And if there's anything I've had
Since I was young
It's been the hope that pushes me forward,
It's been the hope that reminds me
To "Get up and Walk!"

If you were to know
Of all the love I have for you
I think maybe you'd understand
Why I get so misty-eyed
So often.

Every book I read,
Well,
They rarely end on a high note.

I sympathize with Dracula,
Being alone and a monster for so long
Is bound to drive anyone to the point of insanity,
Only wanting to be loved by someone,
The insanity of being the only of his kind of so long
Driving him to do it by force.

But I've decided,
I'll make it myself.
This happy ending,
I'll find it for myself.

And I want you to be there,
I want you to be with me
There,

I want you to be
My happy ending,
But nothing really ever ends.

I'm writing a story
Without an ending.
Please,
Be my allusion
To happily ever after?

I was cold and afraid,
And then you came along.
And for the first time in a long time, I prayed.
And I've never felt something so strong.

And when you showed,
I didn't quite understand why,
But the music slowed,
And cupid struck my heart, some type of bull's eye.

And my red string began to loosen up,
I realized it was just like in all the songs.
It has nothing to do with being a grown up,
It was you, all this time, all along.

Cold and afraid just isn't me anymore.
Because of you, faith and love have been restored.

****, it's been a long time since I've remembered that name.

A green eyed protector within a dream,
That I let a monster revoke
From my dreams.
If I dare mention,
The witch fire
Angry mob would start.

I haven't dreamnt of him
In just over six months.

He never liked anyone I hung around,
Claiming they would hurt me.
Claiming they'd be dangerous for me,
Telling me I needed to be more careful.

Before medication
His whispers poured into my ears,
Reminding me to eat,
To breathe,
To stand back up.

That I was needed,
Necessary,
Worth fighting for.

And when I swallowed a handful of pills,
He had been begging me not to.
And I heard the crying of someone he hated,
And the voice of someone
He said he would never ever trust,
That we made a bargain,
That he'd protect as long as I kept up my end of the deal,
And he kept up his.

And then because of a brother,
Because of a man who is many,
I lost the Electric Green Eyes
That used to guide me through the darkest dreams.

The closest thing
I had to a protector.
The closest thing
I had to a friend
For the longest time.

But you think he's trapped in a crystal,
And I laugh at you,
Foolish little man,
The Man of Dreams
Lives within dreams
And he only serves
Those who deserve
Divine protection,
Or whatever he calls it.

But I'm at a place,
Where I do not need
My Icarus Eades,
Because he has given me the strength
Since I was small,
To keep going
And being strong.

And I stood up on my own,
I learned to breathe, alone.

And now I fly,
Beside my Bluebird.

But I'll forever be grateful
To a man that flew too close to the sun,
And fell to the Earth,
Or ever farther.