I have broken parts of me
That I never want you to see.

But if I'm going to make a change,
I might as well let out the raw vulnerable parts of me,
And let you take your pick,
You can stay or you can walk.

And it's a ****** mess,
Quite literally,
The stories of these scars.
But smear away some blood,
And you can see something different.

And I'm scared of what you'll find,
If I tell you all my secrets and fears.
Because what if you leave,
And take those parts with you?

But the only way to trust someone
Is to trust them.
So here it is, here I am,
Here is all that I am.

Every broken vulnerable bit.
I don't have much
Skin left unmarked,
But if you'll take me as I am,
I can see myself
Half as well as you see me.

And I'm terrified
That you'll shine lights
On the darkest corners of my mind,
And run for the hills,
But the Bluebird I know
Is one of the bravest people
I've ever met.

Maybe I'm something atrocious,
Or maybe I'm just downtrodden,
But either way,
I'm scared but I'm as ready as I'll ever be,
Because I don't think anyone is ever really ready for anything.

I'll dig my fingers into my ribcage,
And split myself
To show you my heart and all it's scars,
And my soul and all the stains my sins have left upon it.

Close your eyes,
And don't open them until I tell you to.

I am shivering and cold
Not like that's new,
But I'd do anything
To be next to you.

And it's crazy and strange
And what do I say,
There's a Bluebird in my heart,
And I want him to stay.

I want so badly
To tell you the truth,
That my love for you
Has been growing since youth.

And I know it sounds crazy and strange,
But this is all I've ever known to be true,
That my heart is yours,
And my place is with you.

I try pretty hard
To keep it together
Because of chemical imbalances
And imbalances in life.

And try as I might,
I falter a lot.

And it's easy to get sick of
My tears and flinching form.

And I can feel myself
Pulling away,
It's safer
this way,

The darkness whispers to me,
And though I pull and tear and scratch
At it's hold,
I feel it encroaching ever closer.

And this is why I am so needy as of late,
So pushy about attention and being near you.

You are a light
That keeps the desire
To flee and all the darkness
It brings with it
At bay.

Try as I might,
I can't do this on my own.

I am trying to inch my way
inside your head.

I will crawl and trudge through the muck
and grime

I have seen
terrible things
but even still
I cannot fathom
what would possess you
to do what you have done.

Every book I read,
Well,
They rarely end on a high note.

I sympathize with Dracula,
Being alone and a monster for so long
Is bound to drive anyone to the point of insanity,
Only wanting to be loved by someone,
The insanity of being the only of his kind of so long
Driving him to do it by force.

But I've decided,
I'll make it myself.
This happy ending,
I'll find it for myself.

And I want you to be there,
I want you to be with me
There,

I want you to be
My happy ending,
But nothing really ever ends.

I'm writing a story
Without an ending.
Please,
Be my allusion
To happily ever after?

I can spin,
And I can prance,
And I can watch
The end of this dance.

I can laugh,
And I can cry,
But you'll never hear
Of the reason why.

For you'll never know
What I've seen.
And you'll never go
To the places I've been.

I cannot sing,
But I can act.
And it's a liars' game,
But I'm up to bat.

It's refreshing
To finally be honest,
And it's good that you know
I'm trying my best.

I'm used to hiding,
I'm used to lying.
Saying things of a nature so abiding.
But I was so sick of faking feelings,
Of hiding out of fear,
And suddenly the lights dim,
And the curtains close,
And I turn to see
All I've ever wanted to be.

Back to before,
I knew how to pretend,
Back to before
The beginning of my end.

I fell in love with you,
The way a play comes together.
In slow parts and disjointed bits,
And then finally
All at once,
It goes on
Seamlessly
It seems to the audience.

I fell in love with you
The way rain
Breaks the sky
And falls to thirsty ground.

Slowly, inching darkness bit by bit across the sky,
And then suddenly, the sky cracks open with a burst of light
And a clap of thunder,
And it pours and rains
And life is new again.

I fell in love with you
The way people make other people honest.
The way you touch me and I have to tell you the truth,
The way the fire burns in your eyes also burns my skin a scarlet shade,
The way I can't keep a thing from you.

I fell in love with you
Years ago,
And here I am again.

I don't believe Frost
When he said
"Nothing Gold can Stay."

And maybe it's because
I'm not looking for Gold.

Because I don't need it,
No,
I need the red and orange sunset.
I need the blue and green seafoam.

And if nothing Gold can stay,
Then I guess I'm heading out.

I've watched pain and guilt
Cloud your colors.
And though I've never seen
Anger overtake your features,
I'm sure my fear
Will subdue it
When I flinch away.

And maybe people don't understand,
I'm a walking lie detector.

You can't fool me,
So please don't try.

I've seen the gold of your heart,
And I know it stays,
Day by day.

Sometimes gold can stay,
Believe me when
I say
I will never
Turn away.

Husky whisper of desire,
Voice weighed down by exhaustion and lust,
Hold my hand into the light.

For when we are old
And when we are grey
Know I will love you
Gladly and still.

And when I am slipping,
Fading into the grasp of the moon's pull,
Follow me.

I will lead you into
Depths of a soul
You deny having.

And I will tread,
Toes to your heels,
From the ends of the earth,
To the moon and back
And farther.

I'm here deciding between
Whether I want to remember
Or if I want to forget.

I could process
How much I hate you,
Or I could just vaguely hate you
From a distance.

And I'm the type of person
Who likes to find the best in people
Even after they leave me broken,
Or after they pull that whole
Massive betrayal or whatever
You think I'd call it.

And I wanted to find good in you
After all these years,
But you've pulled too much,
Hurt too many people,
Lied too often.

And maybe,
Like me,
You've changed too.

I'm not big on
Vengeance anymore.
I don't open up
Quite so often,
And when I do
It's much more gentle,
Much more calm.

Just so you know,
No one's gonna chase you.
No one's gonna chase me.
No one's making us
Relive who we were.

So run away,
Like you always do,
And I'll be here,
Growing up.

I wanted to be
Exceptionally different
Exceptionally profound
Exceptionally amazing.

But I am left to face
The mediocrity
Of my existence
And yet I'm okay
With it
Because
Why shouldn't I be?

I'm a nobody
No one
For now.

But just because I don't feel the urge
To send myself spiraling after people
Whose only intentions are to break me
Doesn't mean I'm heartless
Doesn't mean I feel less
Doesn't mean I'm useless.

And no,
I'm not angry.
This isn't anger.
This is a realization
That I am okay
With who I am
And where I am
And that I don't need
Exceptionally painful
Reminders
To keep going.

I don't need to forget,
But I don't need to relive
All that has been done.

I have found
That I am content
With
The life I lead of introspection and unsaid monologues
On feelings I won't profess because they were never cared to be heard of,
And consideration and compassion
For all beings
Even those that have left me scarred and burned.

I am euphoric
With being a lover of words
And a lover of my Bluebird.

I am gladly living
A life of stubborn pride
And gentle smiles
And kind tones,
Holding the hand of another
Who would gladly walk hand in hand beside me.

I wanted to be
Exceptionally smart
Exceptionally beautiful
Exceptionally skilled,
But instead,
It seems
I am
Exceptionally happy.

I wanted to be the kind of girl
That made you feel like
I was the only one in the world.

I wanted to be the kind of girl
That made looking at other girls
Mostly unfulfilling and pointless.

I wanted to be the kind of person
That you would be terrified to lose.

But with reality settling in,
And my realization
Of my being so easily replaceable
To family,
And on the coming anniversary
That reminds me consistently
Of what a poor friend
And person
I am

I realize
I am not
That kind of girl
That you long for.

I am not the kind
Of person
To be missed.
People do not
Get attached to me.
And why should they?

I keep telling myself
That i deserve the love
I keep trying to give
Everyone else.
And i keep telling myself
That i deserve someone
Who would be terrified to lose me.

But i don't think
Anyone would be.

I will never belong
The way I want to.

I will never be yours and yours alone.

My mind is too twisted
By my insanity
And you're too distracted
By
All of it.

("It" being every possible
Distraction)

I'll never be perfect,
I'll only ever be me.

And that is very, very, far from perfect.

"IF" is such a profound statement, curious question. Constantly asking will build you up and break you down, and yet without it we have nothing and with it we have exactly nothing. We have no thanks for this word, and no regret for whispering it into the wind.

But IF I told you how alone I feel
And IF I explained how sad I am
And how broken I am
And how much pain there is
In my chest
From all this stupid self hatred
And this stupid regret
And I'm breaking again, faltering again
Because everything hurts
And I don't know how to tell you
That something isn't working right
And something just isn't right
And it's probably all my fault.

Would you tell me
IF
You'd be better off without me?

I'm done
with being hopeless.

I am done
with feeling defeated.

it is easy
to wallow in pity

but it is right
to stand back up.

I might never
belong
but my heart
will always
belong to you.

you help me be strong
when my knees feel weak,
you show me light
when I can only focus on the shadows.

you are my soft song
above the deafening silence.

you are my sunlight
my summer breeze
my giddy hope for life
and my Bluebird of Peace.

amid all the chaos
you ground me again,
and keep me from drifting off
into oblivion.

you've shown me
that I am better
as me.
and through out small actions,
and little bits of subconscious love,
you've shown me that
I can be a better me
if only I trust in you.

and trust in you I will continue to do.

****, it's been a long time since I've remembered that name.

A green eyed protector within a dream,
That I let a monster revoke
From my dreams.
If I dare mention,
The witch fire
Angry mob would start.

I haven't dreamnt of him
In just over six months.

He never liked anyone I hung around,
Claiming they would hurt me.
Claiming they'd be dangerous for me,
Telling me I needed to be more careful.

Before medication
His whispers poured into my ears,
Reminding me to eat,
To breathe,
To stand back up.

That I was needed,
Necessary,
Worth fighting for.

And when I swallowed a handful of pills,
He had been begging me not to.
And I heard the crying of someone he hated,
And the voice of someone
He said he would never ever trust,
That we made a bargain,
That he'd protect as long as I kept up my end of the deal,
And he kept up his.

And then because of a brother,
Because of a man who is many,
I lost the Electric Green Eyes
That used to guide me through the darkest dreams.

The closest thing
I had to a protector.
The closest thing
I had to a friend
For the longest time.

But you think he's trapped in a crystal,
And I laugh at you,
Foolish little man,
The Man of Dreams
Lives within dreams
And he only serves
Those who deserve
Divine protection,
Or whatever he calls it.

But I'm at a place,
Where I do not need
My Icarus Eades,
Because he has given me the strength
Since I was small,
To keep going
And being strong.

And I stood up on my own,
I learned to breathe, alone.

And now I fly,
Beside my Bluebird.

But I'll forever be grateful
To a man that flew too close to the sun,
And fell to the Earth,
Or ever farther.

You saved me,
time and time again.

with every kiss
you breathe new life into me
and my heart,
you add kindling
to the fire.

I burn and I burn
but I do not go out,
and whether I destroy
or create
is up to you
and your decision
to stay.

I hate showing you
the visions of my past
but with every kiss,
my past gets a little darker,
and our future gets
a little brighter.

I am on my own.
I am not alone, though,
Which is odd.

I desperately want
To stand on my own two feet,
But could you hold my hand,
And stand with me?

I want to save myself,
I want to fight my own battles,
But it would be nice
If you had my back.

I want to be my own person,
But can you be your own person next to me?
I want to hold your hand,
For a moment,
And see if we fit
Together.

I believe
In the red string of fate.
I hope ours might
Just maybe
Lead together,
After all these years.

I thought
The alcohol
Would make me feel
Less alone
A little more confident
But instead
I feel invisible.

So much
For liquid confidence.

I don't have much to offer,
I'm not the brightest in comparison,
And I'm not the best
At really anything.

So let me offer to you
A few poems I wracked my brain for,
And some pictures I think I made
Look a little nicer.

I know it's not much,
But it's really all I have.
I'd offer you my heart,
But you took that already.

I hope you don't mind,
It's really not much,
But these words
And pictures
They're really all I have.

Take them with ease,
Please,
And take them with care.

I woke up at 8:47 this morning,
With my dog whimpering beside me.
My own scream woke me up,
And my mom stood in the door way of the room,
Staring at me concerned,
Informing me that I had a rough night.

I stumbled out of bed, folding my blanket and throwing it behind the arm chair.

My hand fumbles on the windowsill
And I grab my phone, pulling it from the charger.

I open up my messages, eyes bleary with sleep.
A good morning message from you.
Reminding me that I'm your Hummingbird,
That you love me,
And hoping that I slept well.

I hate to disappoint you,
But apparently I did not.

But as the fear subsides,
A warmth resonates underneath my skin,
And a giddy feeling bubbles up and around me,
Because conversation with you,
Any type of contact with you,
I just can't get enough of it.

Maybe this is part of loving you,
It's somewhat selfish
But spending time with you
Fills my heart in a way it's never been filled before.

And despite the fear I have,
I will gladly ignore it
To fly by your side,
Because you fill my heart with a type of warmth.
I will gladly accept all the time and conversation
You're willing to spend with me.

I'm afraid I cannot speak to you.

See, I have this
Strict rule,
About not speaking
To zombies.

And you're dead to me.

And if it were wrong
to love you
then being right
is something I'd horrifically fail at.

and if it were disgraceful
to be yours,
then let there be dishonor upon me
and all I am.

and if I was a sinner,
you'd be my redemption

and if I found a light within my darkness,
it will be you and only you.

and you are my only want
and desire.

and I love you
so.

I say "Fight me," too much,
For someone who flinches at loud noises
Or motions that are too quick
Or too close to my face.

I'm much too confident in my abilities
To withstand things,
For someone who breaks into tears
At truths that are too true.

I'm much too whole
For a person made of scars.

And sometimes I'm astonished,
That not all of them show through my skin
All the time.

I was once told that
It's the journey you have to depart to arrive.

I never really quite understood.

But it's that you have to let go of the past
In order to be fully present.

I still struggle with that,
But I'm getting there.

There are scars beneath my skin
That hurt when it's too cold
Or when it rains.
They sent me into shivers,
With shaking hands and a shaking voice.

Too good to be true,
You're too lovely to be real.
I can't believe
Or maybe I just won't.

But I want to,
I want to.

You are a light,
A hope,
An honest sense of
Reality I've need and been waiting on
For much too long.

Tears sting
Behind my eyes.
What di I do,
What could anyone ever do,
To deserve someone as
Beautiful as you?

I'm astonished,
To think that
I am worthy of your care
And it's a hard to swallow truth
That I am the one you intend
To spend forever with.

I am shaking,
And maybe it's
Disbelief,
And maybe it's
Fear,
Because I cannot lose you,
The thought eats me up,
Tears me to shreds,
Breaks parts of me
That have always
Been whole.

But I have not lost you,
And I will not lose you.

And I am dreaming of a place
After a year from now at least,
Where my hand is held in yours
Not as a best friend and your girlfriend,
But rather a best friend and your wife.

Maybe I just want to be good enough.
Maybe I just want to be told that I am enough.
Maybe I just want to be anything but forgotten.

Maybe I just want to not feel like I have to run away,
Maybe I just want to feel like I belong.
Maybe this is hard for me to say,
But maybe it's been this way all along.

Because maybe I want you to see me,
And maybe I want you to hear me.
And maybe I just want to be me,
And maybe, if you could just love that part of me.

Then maybe I'd be okay,
And maybe I wouldn't want to push you away.
And maybe if I felt lovable,
Then fcking maybe I'd be stronger and more able.

Because, fcking maybe, if my parents didn't fck me up.
And, fcking maybe, if those ******* didn't use me,
And maybe
Just maybe
If I could heal at the rate you want to see results
Things would be better,
I'd be better.
But I can't.

"Hush,"
Whispers the wind,
"Quiet,"
Whispers the rain.

"You're panicking
For the sake of panic."

The music floats around me
And I realize maybe they're right.

It's easier to talk myself into
Being worthless
Than talk myself out of
Being scared.

But I need to
Take a deep breath
And understand
Not everyone is the same.

You're different,
And that's the reason I've always loved you.

I'm afraid and I lash out,
Push you away
And sabotage what we have
Because I'm scared of getting hurt
Getting burned.

I should be scared of fire,
Yet the more I see the nearer I draw.

But it's time to move on from
What I've known.
I need to be better.

I'm all yellowing pages, ink stained fingers, and daffodil bouquets, and wrath.
You're all broken book spines, gears, and wires, and pride.
I'm all hair falling in my face, cold hands, and a blush peppering my features.
You're all eyebrows furrowed in concentration, warm arms, and focused aqua eyes.

I'm a hummingbird's fluttering wings, bouncing left and right with self-righteous hope and faith.
You're a bluebird's soft song, soaring and diving into resolution and problem solving.

I'm a flurry of thoughts spinning too fast too fast too many colors too much passion too much fire too much noise too much touching not again not again all the while making the best speech I'll ever regret.
You're calculated and cold, knowing what nerve to strike and when, but holding yourself from doing so because you're better than that.

I'm withdrawn and frigid and bubbling over with warmth and love to give,
You're acutely aware of your virtues and flaws.

I am too smart for my own good,
And you're too smart for yours.

I'm all small stature with big words,
You're all the things I want to be able to say.

If I think
I'll over think
And if I over think
I'll cry.

And I know I'm the problem,
I know I'm not quite
Where I should be
And I know I have a lot of
Problems
But I can be better
If only given the chance.

I will falter,
I will fail,
But some days
That's okay.

But I can't think
About it.
I can't think
Can't react
Just remain steady.

Within a dream I call to electric eyes
do my bidding, my voice is a sweet honey,
and his milk toned skin shudders,
because everyone thought it was
he who was bad news,
but I was the darkness all along.

I used to dream of protection.
of someone swooping in
and saving me from them, from the bruises, from myself and the scars.

I never thought anyone would actually show up.

I like to think I'm strong on my own,
but the power the galaxies within your eyes hold over me
scares me
and I crave to defy it,
but at what cost?

I reject all control,
in my fearful bout of defiance,
but it injures all good I have built between us.

and I fear telling you that I see the deepest
depths of the wounds
you might bare,
but I've been unaware
for so long
that I've no clue where they've come from.

I might be reserved and thoughtful,
but the monster in my chest
shouts cries of rebellion.
too good for too long.

as if the flashbacks
weren't enough,
fear of control over me
has me back peddling.

I just want
to be sane.

I just want
to be good enough
for you.

I fight a constant battle
With who I used to be,
And how it compares
To the person I am now.

I was broken down in a lot of ways,
And it made me cold,
And sooner or later
That cold broke too,
And I became fearful
And shaky.

But upon carefully looking closer
At this
I've found that
I can slowly rebuild myself
Into being somewhat okay,
Even if I am a different version
Of myself.

I am pages
Marked with ink from a pen
And ink from a printer.
I am words formed
To make profound statements
And snarky comments.

I am scribbled chicken scratch,
Etched onto skin.
I am the google-font
"Rock Salt,"
That I use for all my male characters,
Though it more closely resembles
My own handwriting.

I am the itching of a wound
As it grows closed.
I am the burning of the skin around the cut flesh
The only reminder of things you don't remember.

I am scarred hands,
From painful overwhelming black outs,
And Underwhelming solutions.
I am itching chapped skin
From hot water and soap.

I am the phrases
"You're doing too much,"
And
"You're not doing enough."

I am the cold locking my hands into place,
I am anxiety locking my throat into place.
I am I am I am I am

And then there's you.

I learned to fly,
And I wish I had done it easily,
Part of me wishes it was done painlessly,
But I don't generally go for easy,
I don't really do painless.

I found that by ripping memories from myself,
And seeing them without the reds
Of rose-colored glasses,
That they hurt--
And though I bled,
I have found
That I'd rather bleed, I'd rather hurt,
Than see falsehoods within my delusions.

And as much as it astounds
The light of my eyes,
There's a flicker of hope,
A flicker of good,
In the failings of my broken wings,
And though I know you wish to plead and tell me
That my wings were never broken
That I just needed someone to fly with,
I'll have you know
I am aware of my failings
But I am healed enough
That I can fly beside you
And keep up
Almost as well.

But did you know,
Within my heart
The beat will falter,
But with every glance
And every time I am held within your arms,
I get a little stronger,
A little braver,
And for that
I am grateful.

I'm flying beside you,
And nothing has felt more natural
More real.

I am flying beside you,
And I have never felt more alive
And more okay.

Thank you for being the
Closest person
I have ever had
To home.

Freezing cold because I deserve it,
That's why I reject things like warmth
Or sweatshirts
Or hugs
When I'm sad and shivering.

I didn't want to tell you why,
Then and there,
When I already seemed so broken to you,
So wounded,
So damaged.

So hurt.

I don't want to burden you with that.
I have trouble letting myself be comfortable,
Because I think I don't deserve it, it makes me a problem.

Recently I've only wanted to sleep.
Change takes a lot out of me.
But I spend my days wide awake,
Because I can't get comfortable enough
Until I know you should be home,
And then I just want to be in your arms.

Your eyes take my breath away,
And I don't feel like catching it.

I was told it is sad
That I'm still bewildered
By the fact
That you enjoy speaking to me,
That you take time out of your day,
To talk to me.

That I'm not a waste of time
Or a waste of space.

And it's still astonishing
That you enjoy any part of me
As more than just a thing that's there,
But also a person,
With a heart, and mind, and soul.

And I've been told that it's sad
That I'm still in awe
Of you and your warmth
And your perspective
And kindness.

But that last part,
I don't think it's sad.
I think it's good.

It has been eleven years,
And you're still the most
Magnificent person
I have ever met.

Warmth
and fire
and burning desire
to be held and loved
by you and only you.

bright eyes and loving touches
and whispered sweet nothings
and support and care and understanding.

wishful thinking
pulls me closer
and your arms keep me there.

Missing you
Is like having a headache that's almost gone.
It still hurts a whole lot,
But you're so close to relief
That it's driving you insane,
And probably perpetuating the headache more.

And loving you
Is like finally being able to breathe.
Loving you
Is like coming in from standing out
In a blizzard half naked,
And being wrapped in blankets and warmth.
Loving you
Is feeling safe
After years of being afraid.

And missing you
Is like the inability to sleep
After being awake for more than twenty four hours.

It's waking up from a nightmare,
Panicked and afraid it might be real.

But loving you is knowing it isn't,
It's knowing it'll be better in the morning.

Sometimes i think of fantastical things
And how i wish i could know most things
And how i wish i was stronger
And better
And so much more
Worth it.

But these things i think up
Remind me i'm more than
My mistakes
Or my scars
Or the things that
Left me slightly less than before.

"I have been bent and broken. But, I hope, into a better shape." - Charles Dickens, Great Expectations.

Sleep is for the weak,
And I'm too strong.
Up late thinking
Can't stop everything
From piling on.
And I'm just not tired,
I guess I'm excited,
But it's odd
How I just want you around
And it's strange
How easily I've fallen into this,
With you.

We don't need to be adults,
Even if we are.
And I love you,
And my insomnia's getting the better of me.
I'm thinking of your colors,
And listening to a playlist I made on your ipod.

Everything is disjointed,
And it's two fourteen am,
And it's pouring rain,
And I want to dance in the rain with you.
I want to be yours
From now until eternity ends.

Maybe I'm rambling,
Maybe I'm finally tired.
I love you,
And I'm terrified to go into
That town I hate tomorrow.
Maybe that's why I'm up,
Though I wish it was because
I'm on your mind.

"What is the opposite of two?"
"A lonely me, a lonely you."

But I can't let this storm
Overcast my progress,
Nor can I let
My guilt
Destroy who I am.

There's only so much
A person can do
And there's only so much
I can accept.

And I miss you
And I'm sorry
And I can't
I can't
I can't.

Remind me of a reason
Why
I choose to live this way,
And remind me of why
I choose to be honest instead of lie?

It would be easier to pretend
That I never knew--
But the guilt is eating away at me,
So I know I know I know.

Don't take my silence
As a way to say
I don't care,
Take it as
I have too much to say,
And you're not here to hear it
And that's my fault,
I know.

You'd be proud of who I am now,
I think you'd like this me better.
I can't pretend I haven't changed,
But I've changed for the better.

I can't go back there,
But at least I can try
To remember.

I'd like to think the storm
Is here
Because someone's trying to say something.
I don't know.

I could flip through a million pages,
In a thousand books,
And still not find
The right phrasing
The right combination
Of 26 letters
And 1,025,109.8 words,
To describe
The love in my heart for you.

I cannot find the right mixture
Of sentences
And paragraphs
To articulate
The amazement
And fantastical
Wonder
That is the entirety
Of you.

But I cannot just let
"I love you"
Suffice.

Because I do not give up,
And I do not give in,
And I will not let
A language keep me
From reiterating
How much you mean to me.

And maybe it's sappy,
And this is cliche,
But all I know right now
Is that your hand in mine,
And me in your arms,
Is the ending I so desire
For this story.

I could travel
To distant lands,
Dangerous oceans,
And unknown places,
And still find not one thing good enough
To describe all that you are to me.

I find comfort in books,
And warmth in pages,
But it is not the same comfort
Nor the same warmth
I find in your smile
Or within your arms.

You've seemed to find a way
To shift and slip into the cracks and crevices
And empty spaces
And open wounds
All over me,
So now you can see me,
Not as the overly enthusiastic
Spastic
Friendly, self deprecating front.

You can see whatever small,
Injured,
Slowly healing
Shaky on her feet,
Too shaky to fly
Bird that's inside me.

And I'm so scared,
Because what if that's not what you wanted or came for?
And still.
Even still.
No bone in my body doubts you,
There's not one sinking feeling.

Only fear that I might be taking this all wrong,
And that's on me.

There's a song I used to write to.
Iridescent.
When things got bad, I used to write to that song,
Just everything until it stopped.
Until I stopped.
It's my coping song.
I was able to stop buying bandages after I started doing that.

Sometimes I'd only listen to half the song.
Sometimes I'd have it on repeat for hours.
Sometimes the typing and clacking of my fingers would drown out the music.

Sometimes the lyrics would drown everything else,
And I'd just lay there,
Rubbing the anxiety and overwhelming urge to disappear
Out of my wrists.

I'm listening to it now.
But really listening to it.
Mainly because the song that makes me think of you
Come onto autoplay
Three songs after this one.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid to be wrong.
I'm afraid to open up.
I'm afraid.
But trying to open up
Isn't so bad
When you're already rooted so deeply inside me.

And it terrifies me,
But I like it.
Not the fear, no, that's dumb.
The fact that when you lay your head on my chest,
I'm nervous,
And my heart speeds up,
But being in your arms
Is the closest to heaven I've ever been.

And there are parts of me I don't want
You to see or know about
But you haven't run off yet,
And I doubt you really will.

Sometimes it's hard for me to understand
How someone like you
Could love someone like me.

I don't handle my bruises very well,
And I always question truths and facts,
Before I accept them.

I have great distaste
For people who would rather we all be the same
Than venture towards variety.

My heart bleeds much too often
For too many different things and people,
Leaving me without the room
To bleed for myself.

While you are strong,
And stoic,
And capable.

While I am floundering
For my own footing,
Trying to stand for myself
Rather than others.

And I wonder if you see
Me as a golden heart
With a rebel fist,
Like I know I used to be,
Or if I'm soft tones
And gentle hands.

Maybe I'm too skittish
To be comforting most times,
Unless it's an emergency
Of some sort.

Maybe I'm too soft spoken
To be anything like the pistol I once was.

But at the very least,
You see some good in me,
And maybe that's enough.

And then there's us.

I am the burning smoke,
I am the flames.
You are the cold winds,
You are the rain.

We are an old castle built upon stable ground,
We are the spark of the storm,
We are the combustion of the oxygen,
We are the scars that trail up my arms
Like footprints,
We are the footprints that trail through your mind
Like scars.

We are built from lessons
Upon lessons
Of fleeting people
And fleeting reminders.

We are learning from mistakes
And bettering each other.

We are learning to live,
Learning to breathe.

We are knowing what love is,
Upon single glances.

We are laughter
And love
And pain upon memories
And tears upon pain
And more laughter.

We are we are we are

Their voices
Their arguments
And their cruelty
Pierces my ear drums,
And it hurts
And I can't breathe,
Why can't they just be adults?

Why am I the adult?
You don't need to fight every battle
That comes your way.

You don't need to pick a fight
With everyone.

I don't understand,
I'm an adult.
But not quite as old as you two are,
But you're acting like children,
And not in the fun way.

It's not that difficult to get along
With each other,
I don't understand.

In the scheme of things,
Your offenses are not so bad,
There have been many
That are much, much worse.

But you fight like cats and dogs,
Nothing is your fault,
Has to be the others.
I don't want to be you,
I don't want to be this,
I don't want to become
Unforgiving and cold,
With pent up frustration
That festers and turns to rage.

I don't want to be
Cruel with my words,
Taking every chance to jump down
The throat of someone I claimed to love.

I refuse to be like that.

And I refuse to talk back.

I was thirteen
When I swore I'd never fall in love.

Boy, was I wrong.

And I'm sitting here in your sweatshirt,
And I'm thinking
"I might maybe be more than you need right now."
With all these scars,
And pessimistic point of views for only me.

And then I realize,
I'm the type of person that hates storms,
And you're the type of person that I'd dance in the rain for.

And I don't wanna be the one
To ruin someone
Beautiful like you.

But then maybe
I should just let it be okay.

And let things take their course.

And maybe it's crazy,
Because the feeling of when you take my hand in yours,
Or that look right after you kiss me.
Or the smile you have when I make you laugh,
All of it,
It's the reason I finally focus.

I'm out of focus,
Usually.
In another world,
Another place.

But when you're around
Suddenly I'm okay with this place too.

Maybe it's crazy,
But I'm crazy.
And maybe it's unbelievable
But the vibrant blue of your eyes
And the spiral of your colors
And the way you care so deeply,
And you don't even say a word,
But there's a fire in your eyes,
Your voice and tone
And mannerisms.

I don't think you understand,
This is more than I bargained for,
And it's okay,
Because maybe this is crazy--
Okay yeah, it might be crazy,
But the light of yours
In the dismal dark that is
The fog of my mind
Has become a
Clarity I never knew I could have.

And yeah maybe it's crazy to say,
But at thirteen I swore I'd never fall in love.

And maybe I'm crazy. (Kay, yeah, I am)
But I'm in love with you.

Thanks for being a reason
To hold onto hope,
And to break a vow.

And I can write
As many things as I'd like,
Flutter about just like a bird
Getting the hang of flying
(which is basically the case).

I can't sing
To save my life
But if I could breathe life
Into the coldest depths
Of this grey sky,
I'd be a little more proud
A little more able.

But what constitutes as life,
And what constitutes as death?
Is life a part of death,
Or death a part of life?

And people always say
That love isn't the most important thing
About life,
But that's so far
From the only truth I know.

Because everything we do
That's good
And everything we do
That's bad
Is out of love.
For ourselves, or those we must protect.

Whether it be platonic or romantic
Selfish or selfless,
Love is the reason,
Love is the cause.
Whether it be from an abundance
Or a lack there of.

My days are filled with color,
And my eyes are filled with stars.
If only you could see the gold within my darkness,
I could find the fire burning bright within your eyes.

Keep your eyes closed
bite back tears.
you don't need the attention,
you don't need the affection.
get over it.

be kind
and respectful
keep your head down
try not to flinch
when things get too loud.

don't tear up
and don't cry
don't make it obvious
if you do.

you're worried and you're scared
but there's no need to fret.

cook, clean, who cares for praise
or acknowledgment?

be nice and respectful and small.

you have no voice to be used, yet.

choose to be obedient and submissive because your fire starts too many confrontations.

bite back tears, anger, words.
bite back your defiant voice.

no need to start up, yet.

You're all I want,
All I need.
You're the air
I desperately need
To breathe.

And most girls
Want someone who will
Take their breath away.
But when you're my hopes,
My dreams,
The very epitome
Of the air I breathe,
I'd be so far gone
Without you.

And I'm not fond
Of getting attached,
And I'm sure I'd figure myself out
Without you,
But I don't want to.
I don't want to,
At all.

Don't take my breath away, please.
You're the only air
I want to breathe.

You don't see me.

You touch and feel me,
But don't say you see me.

You don't see me.

You kiss and **** me,
And even, impossibly, love me.

But you don't see me.

You hear and even haunt me,
But don't say you see me.

You compliment and love me,
But you've never seen me.

I am fragile and I am strong.
I am kind and I am cruel.
I am arrogant and self-loathing.

You cannot see me,
Because even I have yet to.

Every single time you kiss me goodbye,
Whether it was to leave for a month,
Or in recent days, to go work,
There are always things I want to say,
But I can't make the words short enough, sweet enough.

I want to kiss your lips,
And run my fingers along your back,
And tell you that you mean more than the world to me,
But more than that.
That you're my everything,
But more than that.
That you make me the happiest person alive,
But more than that.
You make me content with living,
But more than that.
That I love you more than forever, more than always,
So please stay safe and come home to me.

Because you're my home,
But more than that.