HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP
WITH ALL THIS POURING RAIN
AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP
WITH ALL THAT NOISE
AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP

When I can't sleep.
When I keep thinking
About the future
And how much I want it to be now,
And how badly I want to be
Next to you,
In your arms,
My skin against yours.

How am I supposed to sleep,
When I can't grasp your hands?

How am I supposed to sleep
When I miss you so much?

I guess I will,
I guess I will
Somehow.

But not now.
Sleep is evasive.
I'll keep searching.

Sleep is for the weak,
And I'm too strong.
Up late thinking
Can't stop everything
From piling on.
And I'm just not tired,
I guess I'm excited,
But it's odd
How I just want you around
And it's strange
How easily I've fallen into this,
With you.

We don't need to be adults,
Even if we are.
And I love you,
And my insomnia's getting the better of me.
I'm thinking of your colors,
And listening to a playlist I made on your ipod.

Everything is disjointed,
And it's two fourteen am,
And it's pouring rain,
And I want to dance in the rain with you.
I want to be yours
From now until eternity ends.

Maybe I'm rambling,
Maybe I'm finally tired.
I love you,
And I'm terrified to go into
That town I hate tomorrow.
Maybe that's why I'm up,
Though I wish it was because
I'm on your mind.

You're ten years old,
And it's your first day of fifth grade.
Your mom made you wear something feminine,
Not quite girly, because you would have thrown a fit
And she just doesn't have it in her anymore to fight with you.
You spent the last three days hiding in the corner of closet with your dog,
Crying because you don't want to grow up.
And this year, you have to. This year, it means you are doing just that.
Grown ups are never happy.
You don't want this.
You're nervous and insecure as you search for your name
Written in permanent marker on some laminated name tag
Taped to a desk made of linoleum that looks like wood.
When you find it, you cringe at the way the teacher wrote your last name.
All pretty and feminine, when "Blood" is nowhere near that,
But you sigh and accept it,
As you watch the other kids filter in.
Two boys walk in, they introduce themselves.
Another boy walks over, settles himself at the desk near yours,
You notice he's shorter than you,
And already being small, it makes you feel somewhat better.
He notices you staring,
And your father's voice echoes in your head,
"Staring is rude...!"
So you look at the book on your desk,
The one about cats that's below your reading level,
But thick enough to hide behind.
Sooner or later,
One of you introduces yourself to the other.
You only stop smiling that day when your older brother gets hold of you.

You're eleven, in sixth grade.
He's still your best friend,
And you were chattering all about him in the car to your dad
On the way home.
Mom's still sick.
Hasn't seemed to recover from the car accident last year that you still blame yourself for.
They've both come to the conclusion you have a crush on this boy,
And it's special. Your first crush.
You disagree wholeheartedly, but that will change.
You get home, into your room to start on homework,
But then your stomach starts hurting.
Everything starts hurting.
You're getting dizzy.
There's so much blood,
And it's making you queasy.
You scream and cry, you don't understand.
Your mother warned you that this is a big part of getting older,
But you don't want it.
You run to tell her,
She helps you clean up,
But you miss your chorus concert that night,
And the next two days of school
Because you can't get out of bed
It hurts so bad,
Worse than when big brother is mad.
You don't talk to him when you get back to school
For the next three days,
Because you're ashamed that this is part of you,
That you're grown up,
And if you talk to him he might find out
And not want to be your friend anymore.

You're twelve, and in seventh grade.
You came home from school,
A little bummed.
You barely got to see your friends that summer,
Definitely not him,
And you don't have any classes
With any friends
Or him.
But he was on your mind all summer,
So you've come to the conclusion that you'll just
Find him in the hallways
Or at lunch.
Your father comes to you with some bad news.
Mom's still sick. We don't know why.
You frown, but nod. It seems like he has more to say.
And he does,
"We're moving."
And you ask, calmly but your hands are shaking as you begin preparing a snack for your little brothers, "Will I stay in the same school?" Having been home schooled twice and sent to four different elementary schools (one of which you were sent to twice) you were genuinely worried. Not to mention you had no way of contacting him or anyone else.
"No, you'll be switching schools."
You give your brothers their snacks,
And you begin to walk to your room.
You have to get out of the room,
But you're already crying. "Are you sure?" You've already started the fight.
And from there insults are thrown, and it's an all out screaming match,
Who can be louder?
Who can be meaner?
Like wolves fighting for who should be alpha,
Who can bare more of their teeth
Before the other lunges for their throat.
It happens with similar personality types.
And finally,
The straw the breaks the camels back,
"What, are you in love with somebody?"
As though mocking your ability to care.
You go to your room,
And close the door without slamming it.
You look at your sketch book
Flip open to a page and draw.
Put on music.
Anything to drown out what you're feeling.
You look at the clock.
You look at the clock again.
It was six fifteen.
Now it's twelve forty five.
You're covered in your own blood and feel dizzy.
You cry harder,
As you pour hydrogen peroxide onto the scrapes and cuts on your arms, and bandage them up.
Put on your mother's old black hoodie,
And so it begins.

You're thirteen,
It's summer time.
A friend just texted you that his sister died.
You can't breathe. It's your fault, if you had only been there for both of them.
You should have been there.
You weren't, though.
It takes your little brothers waking you up at six am screaming
To get you to come out of your room after four days.
This time the screaming match is with your older brother,
And though you're terrified,
You win this one.
But he isn't happy,
And neither will you be.

You're fourteen, ninth grade. New friends that all adore your clothes and last name.
You're the new kid at a new school.
Again.
"Ask him out! He's your friend! That's how relationships start!"
You'll mull it over, but something in your gut says not to even stick around.

You're fourteen.
Going to your brother's old school's football game.
That boy from fifth grade? He's there.
You want to talk to him all night, but you realize he has his friends there.
You speak with him as much as you can,
But you can feel yourself fading out.
Brother isn't happy with you that night.

You're fourteen. One of your little brothers is sick in the hospital.
It's Christmas. You're all there to go see him.
They have to rush him to another hospital.
You're praying for an angel. You didn't even know you still believed in a God but
"Desperate times call for desperate measures," You sigh as you kneel to say another plea.
Your mother calls,
He's gone.
You can't breathe.
Things are going black,
But you can't do this.
Not here,
Not now.
Your mother gasps on the other line,
He's back.
Maybe God is real.

You're fifteen.
A boy touched you without asking.
You didn't like it.
You're at home and you can't stop throwing up.
Your brother's at-the-time girlfriend texts you,
You tell her you don't want to exist.
He figures out that you're purging.
No one ever asks why.

You're fifteen.
He hits you for the first time because you said no.
You go home,
And don't know what to do.
They all said this was normal,
And maybe it is.
It's nothing new, right?
Just a different person.
You're at the computer,
Decide to make a page called
"The Sun Came Out to See You"
Because you need a reason to keep going,
And maybe that's all you got.
You roll up your sleeves,
And your mother catches note of the scratches and cuts scabbed over
All over your arms.
It isn't a screaming match this time.
She's screaming,
You sit there, ashamed.
Your father cries--
It won't be the last time you make him cry.
You go to your room,
Your parents are still fighting
Mom leaves,
You black out again.
It's the largest scar you have.
Mom doesn't come back until after work the next day.
You don't show her your hands again for months.

You're sixteen, sophomore year.
Your mother has been diagnosed with stage four breast and ovarian cancer.
The doctors have done as many surgeries as possible, but the cancer is still there.
They're doing all they can.
You refuse to accept that this is it.

You're sixteen.
You've finally escaped that horrible boy without any of the messy stuff,
And you're living in Georgia.
It's horrible,
But if you can escape this,
Maybe you can get back to your best friend from all those years ago.
You wake up smiling for the first time in years
Because you dreamnt of him.
It was warm and hopeful and foolish.
The dream becomes the place you retreat to so you can escape reality.
No one ever learns of it.

You're sixteen. You move back home.
You're taken in by your drama teacher.
Your mom is losing hair from the chemo.
That horrible boy is back in your life.
Something terrible happens
He's horrible
But how can even this happen
People don't do this
That's not how this happened
You said no
You screamed
You hit him
And it hurt,
Oh god it hurt.
You don't come out of your room
To socialize anymore.
You escape reality
As often as you can.

You're eighteen. You just turned eighteen. It's senior year.
You get a phone call.
Your friend was out of class.
He killed himself that morning.
It's your fault.
You saw the signs
And did nothing.
You'll hate yourself for it
To this day.

You're eighteen, almost nineteen.
He does it again,
For the umpteenth time.
Differently,
But the same.
You hit him with a book.
And after two years of telling him you want out of the relationship,
This time he leaves you,
With violent words.
You cry at the front door.
You go to the psychiatric hospital for the third time.
You're finally free.

You're twenty.
You've been trying to feel better,
And maybe you finally are.
You've dropped out of school,
You can't seem to balance it with work,
And your grant got taken
Because you went from being a foster child
To being adopted.
You meet him in a parking lot,
With your best friend at the time.
He's brash and straight forward,
And for some reason you find that charming,
You're inexperienced and vulnerable
And he takes advantage of that.
You last one year with him where you aren't allowed to speak to YOUR friends or family
Before he abandons you on your (real) best friend's doorstep
With nothing but the clothes on your back
And the shoes on your feet.

You're twenty one.
The Monday after he left you he went out
With the girl he cheated on you with.
You don't know this yet.
You go to the hospital
Because you have to get better,
Be better.
And you meet great people there,
Probably talk about yourself too much,
But you're told "Please be strong; Please be brave"
After you realize you're a good person
And you should like yourself.
The words stick.
Sadly, the people don't.

You're twenty one,
You have that "escape from reality" dream again,
But it's different.
You live with your biological parents again,
Your mother beat cancer.
You are sure God is real.
You decide to contact that boy from fifth grade,
That you loved even past seventh grade.
You're nervous
But he actually responds.
You talk almost every day
Until July
When you meet up for the first time
In seven  years.
When you see him,
You want to hug him but you're scared.
He's grown up.
He's taller than you.
He's handsome.
You frown internally.
"Don't fall that easy," You think.
You don't listen.
You tell him you like him,
Two days later.
He likes you back!

You're twenty one,
You're writing this poem.
You love wearing feminine clothing,
And you could care less about your last name (almost, still hate it a little).
On both your little brother's birthday,
You'll have been dating that boy you've loved for so long for three months.
You've loved him all this time,
All this time it's always been him.
No one else.
After four months,
You'll live together.
Because he's not only the love of your life (literally)
But your best friend.
And you couldn't be happier.
And you look at your scars,
Slightly ashamed,
But you remember that he kisses each and every one,
And you remember that your scars
Have nothing to do
With who you are,
Rather with how you've grown.
You talk to your father about him,
And he approves.
Remember when I said that wouldn't be the last time you make him cry?
All the other times you make him cry will be for better reasons.
You've grown up.
But you were wrong.
You're happy.

WARNING: NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART**

Fly, don't fall.

If someone is meant to be in your life, they will come back to you. You can try to move on all you want-- They'll come back if they're meant to, and the timing will be right.

You can try to hold onto someone all you want, also, but if it's not meant to be it's just not meant to be. Go with the flow. You'll figure it out.

Throw away all inhibitions and fear. There's no use being afraid when risks are meant to be taken. You might as well just go do the thing. You'll never know if you don't take the chance.

People will hurt you. By accident, usually, if they're good people. Good people don't hurt others on purpose, without a valid reason. Learn to understand this accidental hurts, and forgive them.

Remember to embrace what you feel. All of it. It will make you stronger if you can stand up from the negative feelings once they are felt, and embrace the one you love within the positive ones.

You don't have to be alone all the time. Let them in, I promise it's okay.

Walking home in the rain,
Carrying the groceries in one hand,
And a fallen leaf in the other.

Pulling up the hood of my mother's raincoat,
I take a minute to sit on a bench
While rain keeps pouring from above.

I stare at the leaf,
And then the sky,
And I realize,
This place isn't my home
Anymore.

I always thought
My home would be a familiar place,
But it's not.

I always thought
Home would be where my parents were,
Where my brothers and sisters were,
Where I've grown up,
And the place my friends live.

But I was wrong.

So just like how
Fall shows you that letting things go
Can be beautiful,
I need to let this place go
Too.

This just isn't my home
Anymore.

My home is a laugh,
A smile,
Warm arms around me
After tears and nightmares.

I care too much,
I get hurt too easily.
Fall too quickly.
This isn't my home anymore.

My home isn't a familiar place,
Rather a familiar face.

Why are poets sad?

Interesting question.

Maybe we feel too much.

Are too thin skinned.

Maybe we care too much.

But maybe we need thicker skins.

But what makes a poet
A poet
Is not what would make us different,
But what makes us the same.

A poet
Is a poet,
Because of who they are
And the flaws that are healthy enough
To embrace.

I am a poet,
And though I am not always sad,
I know I care too much,
Feel too much,
And my skin is much too thin
To stand being ignored.

I am a poet,
And if you so choose to take me,
You take me as I am,
Ink stained bleeding heart
And all.

(I will not change
For the love
Of a human,
I will not change
My heart.
As I know
For sure
You will love me
Through it.)

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
Heavenly bodies,
Give me purpose tonight.

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
Shining stars,
Give me strength tonight.

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
What's the point
Of staying up tonight?

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
Please understand,
My tears are not a slight
At you.

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
Heavenly bodies
Do not compare to the sight
Of you.

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
I may be hurt,
But angry? Not quite.

Wish I may,
Wish I might,
Close my eyes,
Wishing to be with you tonight.

I don't know
Who
They expected,
And instead got me.

But the look of utter shock
Is pretty pleasing.

I've never been one for
Change,
But I'd follow you
Into hell,
And come back better than before.

You are the light
I've found
In the shadows
And you are the hope
I have
In the world
To be better.

I am in love with you,
And only you,
Every part of you.

I swear
With every part of me
That I will love you from then, to now,
Until the end of days.
I will love you more than forever,
More than always,
For forever and always.

I vow
To love you
Through the laughter and the tears,
Through joy and pain,
And I promise I will love you,
Through sun and rain.

I will love you
For forever
And a day.

And I always promise
To stay.

I will love you under Spica,
I will love you under Praecipua,
And you can name any other star in the sky,
And I will love you beneath it.

My love is yours,
Whether or not you need it.

And in the years to come,
I will love you through it all,
As long as each and every day,
You remind me that you're here to stay.

And whether we be near,
Or whether we be far,
You are my Bluebird of Peace,
That's just who you are.

Don't talk like that.
Don't do that to me.
Don't tell me that this happens
I don't want that to happen.

I can't handle it
This night is bad enough,
And it makes me so scared
That the secondary feeling of anger
Is fluttering around in my heart,
Because I know you love me.
And I know you want to stay,
And I know you're going to stay.

Please make this stop.

I'd rather be afraid
Of what I'm afraid of
And not myself.

I'd rather fear
The weather and rain
And the thunder and the lightning,
Than fear something about myself
That I cannot fix.

But I'm labelled
Mentally ill
I'm labelled
A psychopath
I'm told I'm not well,

But this is the best I've been in years.

And I'm so afraid
I'm not the best I can be
But I'm getting better
In the only ways I know how.

Working harder at coping skills,
Falling asleep when I don't want to,
Waking up in general,
Wearing presentable clothes.

I'll be up-ing my medication
On Friday,
Because I need to be better,
I need to be stronger.

I need to be the very best
I can possibly be
For you,
For us,
For our future.

And I'm so afraid of the rain,
But I'd rather be afraid of the rain
Than afraid of myself.

Here it goes again,
Here it comes again,
The articles about
Psychopaths
And the accusatory tone
Twisting behaviors
Twisting actions
To sound toxic
To sound dangerous
To stamp a big red label on my skin,
Screaming
"AVOID THIS ONE AT ALL COSTS"

While I sit and weep.

But these articles
Blog posts
People fleeing from me
Left and right
Are lies, right?

Tell me, please,
Tell me,
Someone?

My anxiety and need to be reassured
Roots from my PTSD,
And my neediness and wants for attention
Is normal for my upbringing,
Right?

And writing poem after poem
About how much I care for you,
And making playlists
With songs in it
That make me think of you,
Is just a sign that I care,
Right?

I don't want to be
A psychopath.
I don't  want to be
A toxic person,
I don't understand
How telling someone you love them,
Is bad?

But these articles say that showering someone
In constant attention and praise
Means you're a psychopath.

And these blog posts
Are telling me that poems and gifts and music,
All means you're selfish and unfeeling.

But I don't want to be,
I care so much, I love you so much.

I'm afraid
Of who I am.

Will a significant other
Make your life better?

No.

Will a man who tells you beautiful things
Make your world brighter?

No.

But can your best friend
Love you like no one else?

Yes.

Can he light up the world
Like nothing else has ever had light before?

Yes.

Will loving yourself and him selflessly make your life better?

Yes. Yes it will.

Do not try to tell me
That humans
Do not need
Other humans.

We are pack animals
By nature.
Love is love is love.

And I love you.

You are my light,
My love,
My proof that humans have worth and value
And can be kind and good and honest.

You are warmth on a frozen night,
A fleeting memory that I tried so hard to hold onto
When the panic got to much.

You are a daydream
Whisking me away
From the pain of my reality
To find that the world is bright and light
And filled with love.

I love you more than forever,
I love you more than always.

You are the Bluebird of Peace,
That flew away with my heart
So long ago,
And when you finally flew it back to me,
My heart was still yours,
But your heart had become mine.

And I love so much more than forever
And so much more than always.

I love you more
Than words can say,
And all I can ask
Is that you'll stay
Stay
Stay here with me,
And I promise that I'll
Stay
Stay
Stay always with you.

I love you more than forever,
I love you more than always.

Remember that, forever and always.

Dress me in black,
Paint my lips red.

My skin is stained
An olive so pale
That white and green
Are the closest colors you'll get.

Not quite pale enough,
To be that blue-ish
Shade of skim milk.

My eyes shimmer ever so slightly,
But the darkest color remains.

I wish I could show you
How my eyes can light up--
Or more of, I wish you were looking at me when they do.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall,
"Who is the fairest of them all?"

They'd ask their mirrors,
And in the glimmer of their darkness,
Would be a hint of my smile,
And then myself
Being undone.

But I refused,
To be undone by anyone at all,
Especially them,
Especially myself.

And then finally,
Brushing off the poison from their apples,
I shakily stood on my own.

And having found a prince--
Or, prince/huntsman,
I seem to have been standing
Much better
Now.

I'm no princess,
But I can tell you now
I'm not quite up for the
Endless fighting anymore.

Let me tell you my knowledge
Of colors, ailments, and homemade remedies,
And how they all intertwine.

Make me feel,
My prince.
Make me feel the colors I see
Deep down within my bones.

Tell me you love me,
Tell me you want me around.

Tell me I'm all the things
You've ever desired.

And I will show you
A steadfast commitment,
A hotheaded opinion,
And a stubborn will to do my best by you.

Show me that you'll love me for forever and day,
Show me that you want to keep me around.

Show me that I'm everything
You've ever desired.

And I'll tell you
Of my being loyal to a fault,
All my passionate opinions,
And of my headstrong way about sticking around.

I don't give up,
It's never been for me,
So tell me
Tell me you're the same,
And we'll show the world.

Sitting within the darkness,
Watching sparks fly by.
Sitting within the shadows,
Watching lights flicker in the distance.

Sitting within the twilight,
Watching something flicker towards me.

Bright sea foam blues and greens,
Warm and soft oranges and reds,
Spiraling towards me
And familiarity fills me,
And suddenly I'm trailing after this light.

I follow and I trail
And then the darkness recedes
As though it's terrified of the light,
And there's an open field where finally,
For once,
I can see.
I can feel.
And everything is warm and bright and real.

For once I'm here,
And I'm excited
And I'm so ready to be yours,
To be wrapped within your light
For all there is of forever and always.

But I love you more than forever,
I love you more than always.

Thank you for being my light,
My love,
My Bluebird
That I can fly away with.

Thank you for letting me fly with you,
I cannot wait to fly away with you.

Listen to the music,
Listen to it play.

I could listen to our song
Each and every day.

And I refuse
To let stress bring me down,
And I refuse
To let anything bring me down.

I am whole,
I am strong,
And I refuse
To break
Due to inconvenient
Circumstances
And ire.

Let it play,
Let it play,
Let the world play along.

Put on a sad song,
And watch the world play along.

Put on a happy song,
And watch the world destroy it.

Panic floods my senses,
I can feel the tremors
In my hands
Starting up.

I am shivering
Though I am not cold.

Senseless triggers,
Unlike usual.
Being treated
Like a burden
Having my
Intelligence
Questioned,
Being anything less
Than what I aspire to be.

Shaky text messages,
Shaky typing
Lots of typos
Going back
Editing to make it look like
I'm a-okay.

I want to see
You.
I want to talk
To you.
Hear your voice.
Hold your hand.

At the very least
I want to hear your voice
I love you.
You love me.
I know you do.

Don't make me say I need you,
Though we all know it's true.

Let's start off with saying that I want this spiraling descent
Into the destruction of my carefully constructed facade of calm
To stop.

I want to see your colors,
Though that won't happen for another two weeks.

And I want to feel your hands in mine,
And I want to feel your arms around me,
And I want to cry.
I want to cry and listen to your heartbeat
As it calms me.

I want to hear your voice,
And I want to look into your eyes,
And I want to tell you that I love you
And I want you to tell me
That you love me
Because I know
You love me,

Deep down inside this descent into madness
Caused by the change in the weather
And coping with triggers,
I know you love me.

I know with the very center of my being,
That the whole epitome of  this whole thing
Is that I love you
And you love me.

I want to flood your face with kisses,
And I want to run my hands through your hair,
And I want to be yours,
So wholly and completely and entirely.

And I am. No matter what.
I want to be yours
And I am.

I stayed up until midnight
Last night
Worrying about whether or not
You know
That I love you.
About whether or not
You know
That I'd never ever come between you
And who raised you.

Wondering if you know
That I'm not like that.
That I'm not so terrible,
I promise.
I would never insinuate,
I would never dare imply
Anything like that.

And while I understand
What you said was driven by frustration
At my inability to move past
The things that have been done to me,
The things that have I have seen,
And my own doubting of my worth
In comparison to how much you should
Care for me.
And while I understand that,
My heart hurts,
To put it in the simplest of terms.

I know you love me,
I do not know or understand why.
But I know you do.

I fell asleep last night,
Crying into your sweatshirt,
My fingers tangled in the wire of my earbuds that were in your ipod,
Hoping that if I tried hard enough,
I could imagine that the ipod and the wires
Would be your hand and fingers
Laced with mine
As I drift into my nightmares.

I'm sorry and I know this doesn't make anything better,
But I'm scared and I need to know
That you know
I'd do all I can
To prove to you
That what matters to you
Matters to me.

I've had always built up
Since I can remember,
And you just walked in,
As a child
And started tearing things down.

And I was so mad
And so relieved,
And then there was
Nothing.

And here you are again,
And you just walked right through
Every stone and steel wall I built up,
And I watch as they all crack and collapse
To the ground
With each footstep you take towards me.

And I have never been more angry,
And I have never been more relieved.

I worked so hard
To keep everyone at bay
But you just ignored
It all
And I couldn't help
But join in
In the destruction process
Of tearing down my  walls
To show  you every part of me
And please
Just don't make me regret
Tearing them down.

To you,
I am vulnerable
I am raw,
And I trust that you will
Take hold of me in a gentle embrace,
And that your love is true.
I trust that your love is true.

I built so many walls,
But your love is so stubborn and determined,
That you knocked them all down.

And I'm scared of the cold of the wind,
But with your arms around me,
I don't think that walls are really
All that needed.

I don't know
Who I was meant to be.

I don't know
Who they want me to be.
I have no idea
What I'm supposed
To be.

But I have learned,
That there is no use
Trying to be
Who they want me to be,
And there is no use
In living with "supposed to be's"

I have a new scar over my heart,
And while it can't be taken back
And it still hurts a little bit,
There's nothing I can do to mend it.

I have learned
That I am worth so much more
Than my scars.

These scars and these pains
Are parts of me that must be loved
Just like the rest of me.

And I have learned,
That you love me,
Scars and all.

Drown me in love,
Drown me in music
Let the melody
Carry me
Away.

Drown me
In paper valentines,
Drown me in USB drives
Filled with your music.

Drown me in heartfelt apologies,
Drown me in "I miss you's" and "I love you more's".

I want to inhale
Exhale
Inhale
Exhale
And I want my oxygen
To be replaced
With love for you.

Drown me in love
In kisses,
In loving embraces.

You are the light
Within the darkest nights
I've found.

I should have you know,
I'm absolutely petrified.
Even the slightest movement,
In this mindset,
Could result in another
Scathing burn to the
Raw flesh
Of my heart.

But I should have you know
I don't give a **** anymore.
I will walk through
Ice or Fire
To see you smile,
To make you laugh.

I will sprint through fire,
Let it burn me,
I will dance through the ice,
Let it freeze me, let it numb me
I will be defiant
And I will feel.

I should have you know,
I love you with all that I am.

And I should have you know,
I know you love me,
And I know you want to stay,
So stay
So stay
So stay.

I know you're going to stay,
So just tell me
Just tell me
You'll stay.

"Hush,"
Whispers the wind,
"Quiet,"
Whispers the rain.

"You're panicking
For the sake of panic."

The music floats around me
And I realize maybe they're right.

It's easier to talk myself into
Being worthless
Than talk myself out of
Being scared.

But I need to
Take a deep breath
And understand
Not everyone is the same.

You're different,
And that's the reason I've always loved you.

I'm afraid and I lash out,
Push you away
And sabotage what we have
Because I'm scared of getting hurt
Getting burned.

I should be scared of fire,
Yet the more I see the nearer I draw.

But it's time to move on from
What I've known.
I need to be better.

What heart?

Who needs one.

Desolated?

Ha, like I needed it.

There is nothing to me
Without you,
But I'd rather be nothing
Than treated like dirt.

I love you so,
And would give anything to be with you,
But I can't stand
To be accused of something
I'd never dare say.

I love you so
And do not want to be without you
But obviously
I am not one to be with.

I am nothing
No one
Nobody
Nowhere.

I miss you.

I am nothing.

Move over, move over,
I tell the devil on my shoulder.
There's no room for you here,
There's no room for you anywhere.

Move over, move over,
I tell the devil on my shoulder.
I won't listen to you,
I never listened to you.

I refuse to listen
To the lies,
And I'd rather focus
On the lights inside his eyes.

Move over, move over,
I tell the angel on my shoulder.
You won't want to see this,
You won't want to see what we've become.

Move over, move over,
I tell the angel on my shoulder.
"Don't fret, dear."
She whispers so softly,
"I am always here."

There's no more room,
For the devil on my shoulder,
With the weight of the world there instead.
I'd rather be weighed down
A little extra,
By doing some good,
Than be weighed down
By my own agenda.

The devil on my shoulder
Has packed up his bags and left,
Because I'm making room
To take up some of that burden
You bury yourself with.
You can't do everything alone,
And neither can I.
But together,
I think it'll get done
Pretty smoothly.

Move over, move over,
I tell the devil on my shoulder.

Will you love me
when you figure out
I'm not as perfect as you thought?

will you love me when the panic
keeps me from breathing?

like right now?

will you love me
when I cry for no apparent reason?

will you still love me
on the days
I'm more broken than usual?

will you love me
when I try to mend the hurt
parts of you
with all the love I have in me?

will you love me still?

when I am old and grey?

will you love me
when my tattoo fades?

will you love me
still?

Breathe in.
Breath out.
What's this
Anxiety attack
About?

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Love me
Or leave me,
I'm still me
Either way
You put it.

I miss your smile,
I miss your laugh,
I miss the way
You hold my hand.

I miss the way
You hold me.
Maybe I'm blinded
By how much I love you,
But I miss you going on about
Something you're passionate about.

And I miss watching the faces you make
When you play video games,
And I miss naming animals with you
And discussing all ten dogs we'll have.

And I want you to tell me all about
The house you want to build in the mountains.

I want your hands to wipe away my tears,
And I want you to make me laugh,
And I want to talk about stupid stuff
Until we fall asleep.
I miss you,

And if you miss me--
Well I guess I'll have to
Wait and see.

Close the door,
Shut me away.

I'll never be
Good enough
Strong enough
Anything close to
Enough.

I want to pull my hood down,
And shut the world out
Nothing feels right,
I'll never be right.

My head hurts
And I'm afraid,
I'm afraid of the hell I've made.

I know I'm still sick,
And I can feel this infection in my body
Making everything worse,
But I want you to know
Nothing is worse than feeling like I'm not good enough for you.

And try and try as I might
I can't bring myself to more than
Like myself.

But at least it's enough
For me to take enough charge,
That I want to be treated
As more than
Just a person
On the other end of the screen.

I'm scared
And I'm sorry.
I'm not that great
At accepting that this isn't
Some really lengthy and weird
Practical joke.

And it's not that I don't trust you,
But it's hard for me to trust.
And I trust you,
So completely.
So entirely.
Every part of you.

So by my instinct
I have to think
Something is amiss.

And maybe nothing is.
But how am I supposed to believe that,
When it feels like you're avoiding me?

Maybe you should avoid me.

I'm not sure anymore,
All I know
Is that I need you around,
And I wish you were here,
And I know you're exhausted.
The fear in the pit of my stomach
Tells me that I should hate me
And push you away,
But the love in my heart
Says that maybe it'll be okay.

I'm sure you wonder why
I question so often with
"Are you sure?"
So constantly.

I'm afraid.
And I want to know that your hand in mine
Is a permanent thing.

I want to brighten your day
With a laugh,
With a smile.
I want to take everything away,
And only let you have what's good and filled with light,

And I'm so sorry,
Because I can't do that.

But I can dream of holding your hand,
And I can remind you of how much I love you.
And I can build, slowly but surely, upon this foundation.
I can go "Aroooo" and be your little coyote,
Hoping to make you smile.

I can put the teal container I keep my headphones in
On top of my head,
And grin while you laugh
At my poorly done monkey noises,
Because the first thing that came to your head
Was that I was impersonating Abu from Aladdin.

I can whisper that I love you, Bluebird,
And hope that across a sky so blue,
You'll hear me.

I can promise that I'll run my hands through your hair,
When  you come home.
That I'll kiss your face,
And scratch your back.

I love you,
And I want to do
All I can
To make this a better day
For you
But I can't
Do everything I want to.

If I could,
I'd cross the distance,
I'd come find you,
I'd come love you.

The distance might be grand,
But know I'll never love you from a distance.
You are always within my heart,
And I love you so.

I was cold and afraid,
And then you came along.
And for the first time in a long time, I prayed.
And I've never felt something so strong.

And when you showed,
I didn't quite understand why,
But the music slowed,
And cupid struck my heart, some type of bull's eye.

And my red string began to loosen up,
I realized it was just like in all the songs.
It has nothing to do with being a grown up,
It was you, all this time, all along.

Cold and afraid just isn't me anymore.
Because of you, faith and love have been restored.

Do you even know
How long I waited
For you?

Picking petals off roses
"We'll see each other again; We'll never see each other again."
I don't even like roses,
But when sitting in a ****** dress,
In a pool of rose petals,
You get to thinking.

White sheets
And the smell of
Warmth and stars,
I dreamnt of you
Rescuing me,
And I would sit in class
And daydream
Of a hero.

But I had to save myself,
But I couldn't escape
Myself.

And after saving
Myself
Yet again,
I found you.

And all that wishing
And wondering
And hoping
And dreaming,
Wasn't a complete lost cause.

And now you're here,
So completely and finally,
And I have no idea what to do,
But to fly with you.

And I'm scared and skittish,
But I'll take off and soar,
Keeping the thrill of my delight
To a dull roar.

On a night where my teeth were bloodied,
I went to sleep and my dreams were
So sweet,
Because I met you there
And for some reason
I knew it was all or nothing.

My skin is stained
with ink.
my jeans are stained
with blood.
the lace of my shirt
still yellow and bright.

I'm holding onto your sweatshirt
but I can't tell
if I'm okay.

my throat hurts
and my head is spinning.

and I don't know
if I can take
the complete and total lack
of empathy
and amount of social apathy
in this world.

but we're all here for a reason
and everything happens for a reason
and if my reason
just so happens to be
being yours

I think
I
can
live
with that.

everything happens for a reason,
and we're all here for a reason,
and if my reason
just so happens to be
being yours

I think
I can
happily live
with that.

we're all here to do a little good
and to be a little brighter
than our pasts
and I'd like to be your light
if you should
allow.

Please be strong; Please be brave,
You never told me
You wouldn't stay.

Why get invested
When it all disappears,
Why even stay?
What's the point to being here?

I am strong,
I am brave.
No one said
I had to stay,

But I will stay,
Because staying
Was my intention
All this time.

I will not leave,
That type of life
Just doesn't suit me.

I know at times,
I'm one for strife,
But I'm going to be here
With you, for life.

Don't tell me the odds,
'Cause I'll beat them.
Don't tell me the rules,
'Cause I'll break them.

I'm all about being the best I can be,
And to do that I can be none other than me.

So don't tell me the odds,
Because odds are meant for beating,
And if you tell me the odds,
That'll be our last meeting,
Because people say
Soulmates aren't real
And people say
Divorce rates are at a record high,
But I don't give up
And I don't say goodbye.

So give me a chance,
Give me a choice,
And I'll always choose you.

Don't let them see
You're hurting.

Reach out a little,
Ask for help,
But not too much.

Everything hurts,
But it's not a matter
Of mattering
It's matter
Of knowing you'll never
Be quite enough
For anyone.

Too distant a friend,
And when not withdrawn
Too clingy.
No in between.

Too troubled.
Too insecure.
Too much,
Just too much.

Don't ask for help.
Don't talk it out
Because you don't even know what's wrong,
Why have a support system
When you're breaking?

They'll leave anyway.

Close you eyes,
Hold your breathe,
You're in for something
Unexpected.

People might not help you
When you need it,
But they can't help you
If they don't know.

And they won't know
If you sew your mouth shut,
With "They'll leave anyway."

Take a risk,
Take a chance,
Tell a soul.
A kindred spirit
Will always
Hear it.

I can spin,
And I can prance,
And I can watch
The end of this dance.

I can laugh,
And I can cry,
But you'll never hear
Of the reason why.

For you'll never know
What I've seen.
And you'll never go
To the places I've been.

I cannot sing,
But I can act.
And it's a liars' game,
But I'm up to bat.

It's refreshing
To finally be honest,
And it's good that you know
I'm trying my best.

I'm used to hiding,
I'm used to lying.
Saying things of a nature so abiding.
But I was so sick of faking feelings,
Of hiding out of fear,
And suddenly the lights dim,
And the curtains close,
And I turn to see
All I've ever wanted to be.

Back to before,
I knew how to pretend,
Back to before
The beginning of my end.

I fell in love with you,
The way a play comes together.
In slow parts and disjointed bits,
And then finally
All at once,
It goes on
Seamlessly
It seems to the audience.

I fell in love with you
The way rain
Breaks the sky
And falls to thirsty ground.

Slowly, inching darkness bit by bit across the sky,
And then suddenly, the sky cracks open with a burst of light
And a clap of thunder,
And it pours and rains
And life is new again.

I fell in love with you
The way people make other people honest.
The way you touch me and I have to tell you the truth,
The way the fire burns in your eyes also burns my skin a scarlet shade,
The way I can't keep a thing from you.

I fell in love with you
Years ago,
And here I am again.

I always wanted
To adventure
And life's greatest adventure
Has always been
And will always be
Loving someone else.

The reason?
There's a fifty percent chance
Of failing.

I mean seriously,
You could die
From a fall like that.

Or,
Just maybe,
You'll fly,

And find that the greatest adventure in life,
Isn't living,
No, it is living and loving.

All about doing the right thing.
Making sacrifices,
Tearing down walls,
Asking for help.

Doing what you fear most,
Taking the risk,
Going all in
Because the risk makes
You all the stronger.

This is life's greatest adventure!

Loving you is the greatest risk I've ever taken,
But I've loved you for so long,
I know it's worth it.

Every book I read,
Well,
They rarely end on a high note.

I sympathize with Dracula,
Being alone and a monster for so long
Is bound to drive anyone to the point of insanity,
Only wanting to be loved by someone,
The insanity of being the only of his kind of so long
Driving him to do it by force.

But I've decided,
I'll make it myself.
This happy ending,
I'll find it for myself.

And I want you to be there,
I want you to be with me
There,

I want you to be
My happy ending,
But nothing really ever ends.

I'm writing a story
Without an ending.
Please,
Be my allusion
To happily ever after?

What a joke.

To think that I'd
Ever rank high
On someone's list
Of important things.

I used to.
When it was new
And fresh
And you didn't
Realize
How damaged
I actually am.

And now I'm unsure
If you even
Want to talk to me
At all.

Seeing things that aren't there,
*******.

I just want you to be happy to hear from me,
Happy to see me,
Happy to have me
Around.

I'll never be that
For anyone.

1 - The number of times I've been livid because of you and nobody else. Wow, this is new.

2 - The number of people that check in on me consistently. (Here's a hint, it's you and it's my best friend.)

3 - The number of almost-but-pretty-close-to melt downs I've had this week.

4 - How many times I check my phone within an hour to see if you've responded, when I know you haven't responded.

5 - How many times I've been to the doctor's in the past two months.

6 - On a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst, how ****** I feel.

7 - the amount of scars on my left hand.

8 - How often a single thought of you can make me smile within a span of ten minutes.

9 - How many times I've realized I shouldn't be upset but I still am because I miss you **** it and I just want to talk to you, especially since I feel like I've been hit by a bus.

10 - Approximately how many hugs I need right now, going up by the hour.

You ever here of those flowers?
Forget-me-nots.

How about just
Forget me,
Everyone else does,
Everyone else can.

It's easy.
Walk away.
See how much I ******* care.

(It's a lot. I care a lot.)

I don't look forward to a lot.
I don't have a lot going for me.
But **** it if I don't try.

I'd like to say
That you should be
******* honored
That I look forward to speaking to you,
But you shouldn't be.

What am I even worth?

I'm easy to lose.

Got running away
Running through my veins.

Just one more thing
To steer clear of.
Shouldn't be too hard.

But it is,
Because I'll run back to you
And back to you
And back to you
Until you push me away.

Don't push me away,
But how can I say that
When you don't even want to pull me in?

Love me
Forget me
Pick petals off of flowers
Because it's ******* easier
Than letting it grow into something beautiful.

Who the **** cares!
Not me.
(Yes me. Always me. Only me.)

Love me.
Leave me.
Forget me.

It's the name of the game,
Honey.
It's the name of the game,
My darling.

I could make you a list of all that's wrong here.
And even then, the fault would still be mine.

I am nothing.
I am nobody.

I look into a the mirror
And I see broken glass
And visions of the past.

I look through the window,
And I'm met with sulfuric acid
And darkness,
And it burns away my light,
Leaving me with loss.

I am nothing,
I am nobody,
I look at my reflection
And I see doubt
And rejection.

I am nothing.

I am at a loss,
Your smile breathes life into me.

I am losing it,
I'm feeling sick,
But your laugh is the cure
To this ailment.

I want to make you smile,
I want to hold your hand,
For just a little while.

I want to show you the sun and moon,
I want hold you to me,
I want you to come home soon.

I want to stargaze,
And I want to find you,
And travel across time and space
Just to be in your arms.

You're four hundred miles
From where I am,
Which means I'm four hundred miles
From home.

I've got running away running through my veins,
But there's fire in my blood.
You're the only reason I stay,
And I hope you don't mind how I bloom and bud,

Within in the palms of your hands.

Bluebird,
I have running away running through my veins,
But you've got me wanting to stay
Here with you.
Bluebird,
I know it's slow and I know it's soon,
But look closely and watch me bloom.

There's fire in my blood.
And I bleed ashes when it's too late
To clean up the flames.

There's fire in my blood,
Haven't you heard?
When I die,
You'll be haunted by the smell of smoke,
Not perfume.

There's fire in my blood,
And it makes me born again
Born again
Born again
And repeat.

There's fire in my blood,
And when you cut me open,
You'll see the smolder
Of embers,
That will burn through your flesh,
Because I'll get too close.

There's fire in my blood,
And it burns and burns away
My impurities,
Leaving me with thoughts of soot and clarity.

Didn't you hear
The news?
There's fire in my blood,
And my blood courses swift,
And I only burn what I touch.

You can't smoke me out,
The fire in my blood
Makes my throat sore
With all the black smog.

Touch me with cold hands,
Let me warm the ice in your veins,
Ignite the fire in your eyes.

I'll show you,
That fire is okay,
If you show me
That ice can be useful.

Let me melt away
The walls you so insist on having,
And I'll keep the flicker of my flames
On a low smolder.

There's fire in my blood,
And like an inferno I'll burn and never go out.
There's fire in my blood,
But hold me close,
I promise not to burn you.

Write me a letter,
Tell me of songs,
Tell me of things
That take too long.

Like trying to keep
Yourself from telling how you feel
To your forever.

Write me something sweet,
Tell me something kind,
Tell me of light,
So bright I go blind.

I will write you sonnets,
I will write you a soliloquy,
Paint my heart with beautiful words,
And I will write you an acrostic for each.

There is loss,
Yet there is light,
And by finding sight
Within darkness,
I have found
The most beautiful nothings.